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    Old 03-06-2009, 07:50 AM   #1
    loveher
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    My wife has no libido

    Hi, sorry I am new to this but I am looking for people out there who can give me some real life experience!
    My wife of 25 years is on Citalopram having been diagnosed as depressed 2 years ago. Our relationship was still concrete up until 6 months ago when she completely lost her appetite for sex. Everthing came to a head last month as I have felt more and more rejected and insecure because my wife tells me that she loves me, cares for me but does not have any desire for sex. She thinks the Citalopram is compounding the lack of Libido and tells me to be patient as her doctor has told her that she is getting better and can try going without the drug from April. However, she will not talk to the doctor about our problem.

    Recently, I have become moody and incredibly insecure to which point my wife told me last week that she was leaving because of my moods. Is there anyone else out there that either feels like my wife and can reassure me that this is a normal reaction and that she does still love me or a partner out there that is going through the same insecurity who can give me some advice?
    I love her to pieces and she tells me she loves me too. I have supported her through her depression but constant sexual rejection is making me feel so insecure.

     
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    Old 03-06-2009, 04:51 PM   #2
    fossilapostle
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    Re: My wife has no libido

    It is not her fault if the medicine is decreasing her libido, yet there are solutions to this problem.

    I could be wrong, but it seems like there's maybe something else going on here other than just a side effect of a medicine. Her unwillingness to ask the doctor for help with this problem, her lack of understanding to your reaction, her saying she is thinking about leaving you. These things make me wonder if there is a larger issue.

    This is something that I'm not sure a change in medication is going to necessarily solve. I certainly could be wrong though, but talking to your wife about your feelings and asking her why she is unwilling to seek a solution to her libido issue would be a good first step. A relationship without a healthy sex life usually has other issues as well. If that doesn't help, couples counseling might be a good next step.

    Good luck!

     
    Old 03-06-2009, 11:51 PM   #3
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    Re: My wife has no libido

    SSRIs (most of the antidepressants) like citalopram certainly can throw a bucket of cold water over the libido. Plus, if she's approaching 50 (since you've been married 25 years), peri-menopause (or menopause) is hormonal upheaval, like ongoing PMS. (a nightmare for everyone) Oh, another near-50 thing to do is to question who you are (is she 49 now?) at the mid-century mark.

    Depression can be "contagious". You may want to talk to the doctor about your own feelings in regard to all that's going on too. Both of you seeking help at the same time isn't a bad thing. As you (also) start to feel better, having talked to your doctor, she too may float back up some as well.

     
    Old 03-07-2009, 02:07 AM   #4
    loveher
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    Re: My wife has no libido

    Hi, thanks for your reply. As ever there are several issues I think. Firstly she says my moods are not helping her recovery and are bringing her down. I stupidly hoped that she would help bring me out of my moods but have adressed this now and we are getting on brilliantly everywhere except the bedroom. My wife is overweight which does not trouble me at all, but over the last 3 months or so she has put on more weight and keeps asking me why I would want to make love to a person with such an ugly body. Whatever I say I cannot reassure her. Both our teenage children are on the verge of leaving home and my wife has mentioned that she does not feel needed anymore. I have told her that I need her but again this cuts little ice. I so want to help her.

     
    Old 03-07-2009, 02:28 AM   #5
    loveher
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    Re: My wife has no libido

    Thank you your comments. I have certainly felt very down recently which I know has not helped my wife at all. I have addressed this and we are now getting on very well everywhere except the bedroom. My wife tells me that I just have to be patient with her, she just does not feel she wants to be intimate at the moment. She also reassures me that she has no interest in other men, she loves me and just has no sex drive at all and does not want to insult me by having false sex.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lv2srf View Post
    SSRIs (most of the antidepressants) like citalopram certainly can throw a bucket of cold water over the libido. Plus, if she's approaching 50 (since you've been married 25 years), peri-menopause (or menopause) is hormonal upheaval, like ongoing PMS. (a nightmare for everyone) Oh, another near-50 thing to do is to question who you are (is she 49 now?) at the mid-century mark.

    Depression can be "contagious". You may want to talk to the doctor about your own feelings in regard to all that's going on too. Both of you seeking help at the same time isn't a bad thing. As you (also) start to feel better, having talked to your doctor, she too may float back up some as well.

     
    Old 03-07-2009, 09:38 AM   #6
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    Re: My wife has no libido

    Hi there,

    I'm pretty much like your wife only I have pity sex with my husband LOL
    I had a complete hysterectomy 4 yrs ago and have been on one anti-depressant or another for years. I've been going through a pretty bad depression recently. I know how she feels. Between the lack of hormones, the depression and the anti-depressants, sex can just become another chore. Women are unlike men who always seem ready to go. But like I said, I do take pity on my husband and give it up once or twice a week. He's a good guy and I love him dearly as I am sure your wife loves you. Since she's gained weight, it sounds like she also has
    no self esteem.

    I would suggest you do some nice things for her. Is there a room she'd like painted, help with the housework, dinner and laundry. Surprise her with some flowers. My husband has been doing all that and more and no matter how depressed I am, I'd be so much more if he wasn't so supportive of me.

    Best wishes,

    JB

     
    Old 03-07-2009, 09:53 AM   #7
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    Re: My wife has no libido

    Hi granny0
    Thanks for that. My recent lifting of spirits has involved doing a lot more for my wife without her having to ask. I decorated our dining room which she had been asking for years. I have agreed to other home improvements, I took her out to dinner, I took her to the movies and I gave her some money to go shopping with. I enjoyed doing this as it lifted my gloom and she has recognised that I am making a real effort to help rather than mope around whingeing th

     
    Old 03-07-2009, 09:57 AM   #8
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    Re: My wife has no libido

    You're a good guy. She'll come around soon whether she feels like it or not
    Who can resist a sweet husband doing things around the house.



    JB

     
    Old 03-08-2009, 04:23 AM   #9
    fossilapostle
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    Re: My wife has no libido

    Loveher, you might want to point out that you would not be "insulted" if she had sex with you even if she wasn't really that in the mood.

    I'm not married, but I've been in a few long term relationships and I think it's unusual for either partner not to, at one point or another, have sex even if they're not in the mood just to make the other person happy. I've certainly done it and I've had it done for me.

    Like Granny0 pointed out, women and men don't see sex the same way sometimes. I'd always rather have a lover who's interested in what I'm doing, but if it was a choice between 1) being celibate for a long period of time and 2) having occasional not-so-great sex with a tolerant, but not excited partner, I think 10 out of 10 men are going to choose option #2, whereas I doubt that would be true of many women.

    Obviously this is a delicate issue, and you don't want to pressure her into doing something she really doesn't want to do, but if, like she says, she is laboring under the misconception that you would rather never have sex unless she's 100% into it, maybe you could point out that if she's willing to make the sacrifice, so are you...so to speak.

    Also, you really need to be extremely reasurring about the fact that you're still sexually attracted to her, even if maybe you aren't as much as you used to be. Later, when she's out of this vunerable state, maybe you could suggest that you both start getting excercise and eating better...for health reasons. But this would be the absolute wrong time to even hint at anything like that right now.

    Anyway, good luck. Like Granny0 said, you seem like a good guy. Give yourself a hand (you may need to).

    Last edited by fossilapostle; 03-08-2009 at 04:27 AM.

     
    Old 03-08-2009, 08:47 PM   #10
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    Re: My wife has no libido

    Dear loveher,
    First of all, you sound like a wonderful husband. I suffer from bouts of depression caused by major life changes (like moving) and only hope to find someone as understanding as you.

    On the bedroom issue: I can only plead with you to tell your wife that it is ok for her to take a break from sex. I read some people telling you to ask her to give you pity sex or have sex even if she doesn't feel like it. This is ok for times when one is not in a depression. But in a depression, not only is the libido shot, but the person feels vulnerable and hopeless. They need all the wonderful things you have been doing, and they need to know that it's ok not to have sex for awhile. Otherwise it puts more pressure on them and will likely delay their recovery. I know this is very difficult for you. But trust me that, once she is over the depression, she should be better. All meds are different. As she said, some need time to kick in and she probably doesn't have the energy to go questioning her doctor's decision before she gives the meds a chance to work. If, after the time period, her libido is still low, then you can address it. There are so many options for meds out there. Cymbalta is one that is not supposed to have as many libido side effects but their are others.

    Keep doing the wonderful things you are doing, understand that depression, when it is happening, is a sickeness as serious or more than any physical illness (if she had pneumonia or another serious illness would you feel rejected if she didn't want sex?). Depression is as horrible--worse--than any of these as it affects the body and mind.

    The one thing those suffering from depression need from their partners is: patience. Sorry make that two things: patience and love.

    best of everything to you both.

     
    Old 03-08-2009, 09:06 PM   #11
    Matt321
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    Re: My wife has no libido

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by loveher View Post
    Hi, sorry I am new to this but I am looking for people out there who can give me some real life experience!
    My wife of 25 years is on Citalopram having been diagnosed as depressed 2 years ago. Our relationship was still concrete up until 6 months ago when she completely lost her appetite for sex. Everthing came to a head last month as I have felt more and more rejected and insecure because my wife tells me that she loves me, cares for me but does not have any desire for sex. She thinks the Citalopram is compounding the lack of Libido and tells me to be patient as her doctor has told her that she is getting better and can try going without the drug from April. However, she will not talk to the doctor about our problem.

    Recently, I have become moody and incredibly insecure to which point my wife told me last week that she was leaving because of my moods. Is there anyone else out there that either feels like my wife and can reassure me that this is a normal reaction and that she does still love me or a partner out there that is going through the same insecurity who can give me some advice?
    I love her to pieces and she tells me she loves me too. I have supported her through her depression but constant sexual rejection is making me feel so insecure.
    SSRI's have HUGE sexual side effects for the MAJORITY of people who take them.
    I take an SSRI myself, and I can say I am not too thrilled about having sex. I'm a dude, too.

     
    Old 03-08-2009, 09:20 PM   #12
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    Re: My wife has no libido

    loveher -

    What about adding Wellbutrin to the Citalopram? This helped me when I was on Prozac.

     
    Old 03-08-2009, 09:38 PM   #13
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    Re: My wife has no libido

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Matt321 View Post
    SSRI's have HUGE sexual side effects for the MAJORITY of people who take them.
    I take an SSRI myself, and I can say I am not too thrilled about having sex. I'm a dude, too.
    I am 44-years old and am going through perimenopausal. Nothing fun it definitely messes with your libido and right about the time when you are feeling your self sexually. I have an educational base in the mental health industry and do understand that the perscription citalopram can cause sexual dysfunction.

    However, as responsible adults we have to consider that we are not living alone and life must move on with as much normalcy as possible even through moments of tribulations. Medical trials are a whammy of a problem to have but still...I know as a responsible adult that I am in a relationship that I do not want to loose. Then I have a responsibility to this relationship.

    My resolution was to: 1. Speak to the doctor and know my options. 2. purchased flaxseed oil supplements, which helps to lubricate the vaginal region. KY-Brand has new products out called Liquibeads...a lifesaver product for me! Your wife can insert one of these liquid beads within her vaginal area and it will leave her with a lubrication for up to 4-5 days and it is estrogen free! Even if she is shy with you, you do not have to know that she is using them. She insert and becomes ready within 15 minutes. I love spontaneity so I use them daily as a regimine'.

    If she is too old school to speak to a doctor then she need to utilize her computer and get back on track with living a healthy and complete life, which involves you.

    You know. I watched Oprah a few weeks back a good book to suggest to her is: "The Truth About Cheating" Gary Neuman. According to this counselor it has little to do with sex, the other woman and what his wife is not doing. More to do with how he is feeling about and within the relationship. If your wife becomes upset about you suggesting her to read the book. Then it would be my guess you guy's have bigger problems. If my man gave me that book it would be a wakeup call.

    I mean come on she isn't giving you sex where do she think you will get it from? How long does she expects you to wait? If the shoe was on the other foot what would she do really?
    Sex is very important in a relationship especially when you aren't getting it! Disaster waiting to happen she is equally responsible to keep your relationship on track. Speak up to her. Is there a communication problem between the two of you?

     
    Old 03-09-2009, 03:22 AM   #14
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    Re: My wife has no libido

    Not sure if anyone else mentioned this, but I don't think the older tricyclic antidepressants have as much of an effect on libido as the newer Prozac based ones.

    She could consider switching to a different one. And don't think the tricyclics aren't as effective just b/c they're older. They worked great for me. Better than Prozac did, and it had no effect on my libido at all. IN fact, if anything it improved it, though I think that was more because I was feeling better generally than b/c of any side effects of the medicine.

    Good luck.

     
    Old 03-09-2009, 07:13 AM   #15
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    Re: My wife has no libido

    Routine sets in sometimes. Try a change of scenery. I think the book on cheating would do more harm than good.

     
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