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morvets 03-11-2009 02:38 PM

Looking for Support
My wife was diagnosed with depression after we got engaged about 4 years ago. We've been through drug changes, breakdowns, low to non-existent libidos, and you name it. I've done fairly well up until the last 6-12 months. I graduated from professional school in that time frame and am finally in the "real world". I suppose that the stress of the real world has gotten to me and I stopped showing her how important she is to me. I'm sure that is the reason for the latest development.

Just over a week ago, my wife was talking to her mother on the phone in the same room as our daughter and I, then went into our bedroom and shut the door. Well, to make a long story short, I regrettably got her to tell me what they were talking about. It turns out that she has recently felt the desire for sex (her libido has been a problem since she went on meds) and she confessed that she has feelings for a guy at work. She says she loves me and is committed to us. All the while she is going through a med change that is not working.

Since the revelation, I've gone full force with doing the mushy romantic stuff I did back when we were dating, but I still am not sure that she really wants us to work. I don't know if it is a medication problem or true feelings and I think she is in the same boat.

I guess I'm looking for ideas/support/I don't know. Lately, I've felt like I may have depression. I've never looked to anyone for support for myself and kind of feel lost.

There is a lot more to the story but I don't have time to write it all.

Any help would be appreciated.

zhope 03-11-2009 05:50 PM

Re: Looking for Support
Well, the change in libido definitely can be caused by a med change. Also keep in mind--you probably already know--that the psychological effects of the med can take weeks to a few months to be in full force.

If she loves you and is committed to you, then I would believe what she says. But don't fall all over yourself to "keep" her. I mean doing mushy romantic things is always nice, but I'd say what you need to do,and what will make her more likely to remember your value, is to take care of yourself too. THey say depression can be contagious. I think that's a bit of an overstatement, but I do believe that living with someone for years who has depression could probably make you feel down yourself. I really would suggest that you talk to a therapist yourself and get some advice and help for you to feel better.

And couple's therapy would likely be in order. It's pretty serious for somoeone to tell their partner they are having feelings for someone else. I think in a long term relationship it's normal that sometimes we are attracted to another person but as long as it's just a feeling we would never act upon, then there should be no reason to tell our partner, upsetting him/her needlessly. I'd definitely say that seeing a therapist together might also be good.

best of luck

Been 03-12-2009 02:52 PM

Re: Looking for Support
Zhope has given you good advice. She is right in that couples can "share" depression if you live together with it in one of you. It's inevitable if you care for that person so I would be seeing a doc if I was you. For yourself. You may be fine and just freaking out as is normal when you can't help her yourself but want to. Just get it checked.

Libido's? Depression itself is a killer in that area. Add meds and you have a double whammy.

When changing meds it can happen that the desire, physical only, can return and it's confusing as you actually get used to it being missing.

I would not take that one phone call to heart mate. As I read it I would suggest she needed to talk to someone about it and her Mum was who she chose. If she was going to act on it she would have told no one. Right?

So I think she was doing the right thing in being honest and getting the feelings out instead of going with this guy and finding out it was a big mistake. She even told you about the feelings after questioning. So she's not hiding it really is she? Don't look on it as a revelation, that's giving too much import to what was a few thoughts.

She would be confused and so on as med changes can be tough.

Stick by her and make sure she knows you are there etc but don't over react as that tends to make people suspect your motives and it can be a turn off. Just be yourself mate, that's who she married right?



Seymour93 03-12-2009 07:48 PM

Re: Looking for Support
You should contact a marriage counselor. This incident may well be a blip on the screen. You have to be on the same page, though.

fossilapostle 03-13-2009 02:51 PM

Re: Looking for Support
The libido thing could be a drug side effect, but there is no drug in the world makes you attracted to a specific person. If her libido is really better now, is your sex life better? If not, that's something to wonder about.

That's a seperate problem that has nothing to do with drugs or depression. Of course, one partner in a marriage being attracted to another person is so common that it's hardly worth mentioning usually. But the really strange thing is that she's telling you and the rest of your family about this guy. I think you need to think about why she is doing this.

Think about it this way, I'm sure you've been attracted to other women at some point, right? Who hasn't? But I doubt you went and told your wife about it. Why would you? It would only hurt her feelings and make her jealous.

So it makes me wonder why she's telling you about this. It could be because she's jealous that you have this new life and she's trying to make you jealous so you'll pay more attention to her. Or it could be that she's trying to break it to you gently. I'm not trying to make you feel worse, but is it possible that more is already going on than just her being attracted? The fact that she is telling her mother and your daughter about this man makes me extremely suspicious that this has already gone beyond mere attraction. Why is she trying to introduce this man to your family? Would you talk to your daughter about some woman at work you had the hots for? It makes no sense unless something way more serious is going on, or is about to.

Anyway, if you're intererested in salvaging the marriage, I'd suggest counseling immediately. If you're not interested (and reading your post I could see why you might feel that way - you seem like you've done more than your part and haven't gotten much gratitude in return), then maybe just let things take their course.... At least then you could get a fault based divorce then and you probably wouldn't get creamed on the alimony if she was cheating on you. Talk to a lawyer about it though if you're considering that, b/c there's a lot of issues involved.

morvets 03-18-2009 11:01 AM

Re: Looking for Support - update
Thank you to all that have responded!!! I've taken and used a lot of your advice. I've tried to take care of myself more and her, too. We have gone to counseling together now and will return again tomorrow morning. I don't know how much it helps other than giving me the courage to say what I've been feeling in front of my wife...I think she needs to know...however, I'm afraid that I'm making it worse by doing so.

The counselor says that we are just having growing pains. I'm not sure I buy that. Since the last session, my wife has told me that my aggressive nature and negative attitude has been tearing her down for 4 years. She basically is blaming me for her being on drugs. I admit, I was raised in a negative family...we BS, make smart-a_s comments, and point out the stupid/ironic things that happen. We "tell it like it is".

Anyway, I've continued to do nice the house and scraping tile and glue off the wall in the bathroom (her little project), among others, and she still his holding me at a distance.

She wants me to be more like her family, which are very timid and soft spoken. Why should I change? Don't get me wrong...I want this to work...but, how did I become the bad guy so quickly? A month ago, I had no idea anything was wrong!

zhope 03-18-2009 03:29 PM

Re: Looking for Support - update
Well, when you start the therapy, a lot of things are going to come out. My suggestion is not to take anything too deeply at first and keep going to therapy--don't get aggitated and quit. The things you feel--about being the bad guy--talk about it in therapy. It is ALWAYS part of both parties that are the cause of problems/struggles. Keep at it and best of luck!!

morvets 03-26-2009 11:59 AM

Re: Looking for Support - thanks
Once again, thank you to all who have responded.

I'm writing this with mixed emotions. My wife told me three days ago that she was leaving. She said that she needed time to think and that she already had a place rented and that she was taking our daughter. She said that she loved me and that she really does want this to work. She told me that I am a good man and that she needed to fix herself in order to be any good to me. I pleaded that she stay and that we talk about this with the counselor before she makes this big of a decision. She agreed to wait until the meeting with the counselor, which was this morning. At the session, she basically admitted that she was done with this relationship and did not want to work things out.

I told her that I was committed to her and that I'll always be there for her, no matter what she does or what decisions she makes. I suppose that I am still convinced that much of this is the depression. Don't get me wrong, I know I've not been the best husband and that some of these feelings are valid...however, I think that the depression only exacerbates those feelings to an irrational level. I've only known about our problems for one month and have since been working double time to become the man I used to be. However, she started looking into places to move two weeks ago, which means I was only given two weeks to correct my wrongs. In the last month I've done more for my wife than I've done in the last year...and I regret not having done those things sooner. We were in a rut.

Anyway, my mixed emotions are despair at what is happening to my life and more importantly my 1 1/2 year old daughters life. However, I think that sadly, I'm feeling a small sense of relief to disconnect from this terrible disease that so many of you have to deal with everyday. I'm very sorry and feel so badly for all of those affected by depression, whether you have it yourself, or a loved one has it. My prayers are with all of you.

As for me, I'm committed to my wife with an unconditional love, however, I'm smart enough to realize that I can't make her love me and that our chances of saving our marriage have gone down substantially.

Once again, thanks to all that have read this, responded, or kept me in their thoughts and prayers. God bless to you all and you will remain in my thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous82 03-26-2009 02:00 PM

Re: Looking for Support

I can understand that you feel your life must be falling to pieces. You feel like you are losing your family. I understand how that feels. It is not easy.

Perhaps it is best giving your wife some space, whilst at the same time, trying to better yourself and change the things about you that maybe she finds annoying. If she can see that you are making an earnest effort, it will melt her heart! Women like to see men trying hard.

Try not to think too much how lonely you feel. Keep busy and do something useful with your time. If you keep your mind busy it will stop you going insane. Read books. Have you ever read Men are from Mars Women are from Venus??? If you haven't, YOU MUST!!!! YOU WILL LEARN A LOT TRUST ME! YOU WILL LEARN THE HUGE MISTAKES BOTH MEN AND WOMEN MAKE IN RELATIONSHIPS. Please read it and let me know how you get on. Trust me!

morvets 03-26-2009 02:19 PM

Re: Looking for Support
Anonymous82, thanks for your advice. I plan on giving her all the space she needs, but it's hard to know when the right time is to speak to her again. Any advice would be appreciated. It's funny that you mention the "Men are from Mars" book. My wife has read it and that had solved a lot of problems in the past because she knew that we were speaking different languages. Anyway, I'm not much of a reader but have ordered "The Love Dare" book and plan on reading/doing that. I like your suggestion...perhaps I'll read the "Men are from Mars" one as well. Thanks!

fossilapostle 03-26-2009 05:09 PM

Re: Looking for Support - update
[QUOTE=morvets;3923884]She wants me to be more like her family, which are very timid and soft spoken. Why should I change? Don't get me wrong...I want this to work...but, how did I become the bad guy so quickly? A month ago, I had no idea anything was wrong![/QUOTE]

Timid and soft spoken if overrated IMO. That's the kind of family I come from. Never argued. Never raised voices. Just internalized everything and we all hate each other.

Screw that. I'm not saying you should be agressive and domineering, but you have to find a balance. Not talking about problems, or even admitting that such a thing as problems exist which was like my family, is toxic. Better to get that stuff out in the open.

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