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What happened to life?

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Old 05-10-2009, 09:57 AM   #1
Junior Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: phoenix arizona usa
Posts: 27
alice52 HB User
What happened to life?

what happened to life?
No more dreams, they are all gone, nothing is worth it anymore and I don't know how to fix it.
Many years ago, somewhere in the early 90's I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.
Prescribed Paxil and it seemed to work well, at least I thought so. My husband thought I didn't
really need it but I say he just didn't understand. As time went on I expressed how unhappy I
was and asked him to leave. I feel like that was truly a big mistake in my life, I really still loved
him but just wasn't happy in life. But life went on and we stayed friends. I moved to another state
and he moved closer so we could still visit on occasion. I had purchased my retirement home and
took on the duties of trying to help raise my two grandsons with my son who worked nights in the
resort industry and I worked days in the school district. That all worked well until 911 occurred. The
resort industry took a hit and so did the budget. Two years later I'm unable to hang on to my retirement
home, and even my car. I've lost it all, my son getting into drugs and choosing a different lifestyle, I
desperately attempt to carry on and again tell myself, life goes on. I get an apt, a used car, a second
job to help make ends meet and I'm still on Paxil at this point. I feel I'm doing well and could not survive
without my paxil. A year later my doctor tells me my hepC is causing some real problems with my liver
and recommends I do a round of treatment. All of this works out well and fast forward to 2004 now and
I finally feel well enough to wean off the paxil, the hepC is gone and life looks good. I took a 3 month
recuperation trip over the summer and was all ready to get back to work and a normal life when school
started. I make plans to buy an rv, get parked in a senior community and start having dreams of retirement.
By this time its 2006, I'm loving living in my rv and in 2007 even buy myself a new car, life is good, the budget works and I have it all planned out financially, everything will be paid for the year before I retire.
Now, tell me what happened? Here it is 2009, the economy takes a dump, I have no retirement, no
dreams and life really sucks. I need a second job to help make ends meet and I'm recognizing the signs
of falling back into depression. I've struggled for months with this fact of life. I think I need to get back on
my paxil. I hate weekends and can hardly wait till Monday to get back to work. Isn't that a weird thought?
Most of the world can hardly wait til Friday so they can enjoy their weekend. I tried to get into gardening,
which I used to love to do, but everything died cause I couldn't get out there and tend to it. The house is
getting really dirty and I do good just getting the dishes done on occassion. I'm thinking of rehoming the
dog cause I just want to sleep all weekend but the dog is the only thing that loves me so I think that would
be a bad decision, I really need my dog but retirement is totally out of the picture. I'll be working til I'm 80!

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Old 05-11-2009, 08:23 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Jan 2004
Posts: 1,193
Crossbow HB User
Re: What happened to life?

It sounds like Paxil wasn't helping all that much when you were on it, if you were still so unhappy that you asked your husband to leave when you still loved him. Were you also in counseling? It might be time to try some other medications. Medications won't change your situation, of course, but they can help keep you from feeling overwhelmed so you can deal with things better.

I hear you, I'm worried I'll never be able to retire either. I was laid off two years ago and I can NOT get another job. I've had three close calls where I was going to be hired but then the jobs were eliminated.
Choose the devil you don't know.

Old 05-11-2009, 07:18 PM   #3
Junior Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: phoenix arizona usa
Posts: 27
alice52 HB User
Re: What happened to life?

the Paxil did help, I did do counseling too for a couple
years, and one of the things they said was not to make
rash decisions so when I asked my husband to leave that
took 8 years to make that decision and actually was because I was thinking clearly as he was an alcoholic
and I felt I enabled him. Then I just kept on dealing with
life, never complained, I just dealt with it. It isn't until
now I feel I'm complaining, maybe medication isn't the
answer just yet, afterall with the nifty means of the
internet I've got this place to vent myself. Thanks for
listening, I feel better already.

Old 05-14-2009, 09:20 AM   #4
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 162
Matt321 HB User
Re: What happened to life?

I love my dog and when it died i cried



much love,

Last edited by Matt321; 05-14-2009 at 09:20 AM.

Old 05-15-2009, 08:22 PM   #5
Junior Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: phoenix arizona usa
Posts: 27
alice52 HB User
Re: What happened to life?

I love my dog too Matt, all of them (3) and I have ashes
of my past dogs who all died of old age. Probably one of
my triggers lately cause my old one is really not well and
he is very old. It grieves me cause I know we don't have
much time left together and we enjoy the time we have
left together. My other two are very young and will take
me into my old age. They are so goofy and they do a good
job of lighting up my life and giving me a reason to get up
every morning. I really trouble myself too much over what
will be.

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