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Seeing someone you love suffer

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Old 12-08-2009, 11:12 AM   #1
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Philadelphia, Pa, US
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angelicuno HB User
Seeing someone you love suffer


I'm going through a really hard time right now.The other day my boyfriend and I had a deep conversation and he admitted to me that he feels depressed and has ever since two years ago. He says that he doesn't know what started it. He did say that when the girl he really loved broke up with him that may have triggered it. He didn't eat or do anything for a whole two weeks. He's been trying ever since to get his life back on track.
We met last year and he said that ever since I came into his life its been great. But a few months later he broke it off with me. He said he felt that it was a starting point for him to get back on his own two feet. I was terribly upset about. So we spent the summer as friends. Now we are back together. But now I feel like we might be going through the same thing again. He admitted that some days he want to be alone (we live together). Right now I am back at home with my mom. It just breaks my heart because I don't know how else to help. I'm trying to put on a brave face because I know he'll get through it. I don't want to leave him because I love him so much that I want to stick by him.
He doesn't have insurance and can't afford to pay for anything. This makes matters worse. Everything adds up too: his job may let him go anytime now, he can't seem to focus on what he needs to do, he's awake into the wee hours of the morning, his eating habits has made him gain weight (he's stressing about how he looks now). He feels as if by me being there for him I'm like a clutch.
What should I do? Abandon him? Has anyone ever gone through this. It also stresses me out because of this. I had talked to one of my friends and she had a similar situation but refused to have the person in her life because she feels that they will drag her down with her. I on the other hand refuse to do so. I don't want to ever leave his side. But where do I go from here?

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Old 12-13-2009, 06:24 AM   #2
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Re: Seeing someone you love suffer

It seems like he has suffered from depression and has not recovered from it. His current circumstances do not help, his job can get away from him at any time. These problems will come back to him throughout his life but when it is not there, he needs to appreciate life as much as he can so that he can feel that something is good around the corner when things are not right. The fact that he has opened up to you is a good sign. He can talk openly and hopefully one day his depression problems wont affect his life. One thing though that can help him is if you show that you are always going to be there for him.
Having said this though I think it is a little difficult for him to openly talk to you and learn to be happy because either you can understand his problems, talk through the stages he goes through or do the best you can, ensure that he gets what he needs and can appreciate everything you do and can gain some peace from it all. I hope all this helps you.

Old 12-13-2009, 08:28 AM   #3
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Re: Seeing someone you love suffer

Your girlfriend was right. Be prepared for a bumpy ride along the bottom.

Old 12-13-2009, 09:04 AM   #4
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Re: Seeing someone you love suffer

I'm sorry for your boyfriends situation but you can't help him for a couple reasons and one you are not trained to help him and two he will suck the life right out of you and never get out of his depression. He has to learn how to live life in a positive way and it is his choice to either be depressed or not. Everyone has relationship breakups but not everyone goes into a serious depression which tells me that he is simply prone to depression no matter what and you can't help fact he is being an absolute baby about sending you away and then you going back. Why are you doing that?..because it just isn't normal and you are not helping him by going back and forth or feeling sorry for him. You should have the expectation that he get well and listening to him repeat the same 'sad' story over and over is not helping him and you are becoming a puppet for him to control with his 'depression'. This is what I mean about depression(whether it is chemical or situational)...if he isn't going to get help then I have to agree with your friend and leave him to his depression because the next step he is heading for is threatening suicide and that is not your responsibility and you deserve a better life than some guy that feels depressed if something goes wrong. If you want to help him ask him what he plans to do about his depression because you need someone strong to spend your life with someone that will take control of his own destiny and someone you can lean on when YOU are down...any relationship has to be a give and take on all levels. You could also suggest that he call around and see if there are mental health clinics in your town,city or state that take patients that don't have much money...generally there are some sliding scale/depending on your income or no income clinics and he might also qualify for help through any number of agencies(salvation army or others like it). But he has to do it for himself...or you could help hook him up with some thing like that... then you would be doing something positive for him however, if you can see that you are doing all the leg work and he isn't trying in any way then that is when you will need to step back and take a hard look at this relationship with him. As harsh as it may seem you don't need the burden of depression to consume your young life and certainly not bring children into a this kind of world. And in the end ...if for some reason you can't seem to break it off with him then you need to find out why ...what is it within yourself that draws you to someone so can't help him out ...only he can do it with professional help. Good luck.

Old 12-14-2009, 06:45 PM   #5
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Re: Seeing someone you love suffer

If he is a good person and willing to work with a counselor, hang in and be there for him. He may have a self esteem issue which certainly is correctable...... He can check around for a low cost counselor. Good luck.

Old 12-17-2009, 07:51 PM   #6
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Mare416 HB User
Re: Seeing someone you love suffer

I have depression, and so does my mom. Even though I love her tons, for a long time, this led to a lot of fights and a lot of resentment, but lately we've been opening up to each other more, and our relationship has gotten a lot better.

Probably the most important thing you can do to help him is let him know that you care about him and how hard it is for you to see him feel so awful about himself. Depression can make you feel like no one cares, and it can make you feel so awful that you don't see any reason why anyone else could possibly love you. Let him know that you will listen to him and take his problems seriously, because depression is a disease, it's not just a mood swing you can make go away by thinking of flowers and butterflies.

About his eating habits and weight gain, here are a few suggestions. Cook and eat healthy meals together. Exercise together. It can be something as simple as going for a walk through your neighborhood. Exercise has been proven to help fight depression, and it sounds like self esteem issues relating to his weight (and his job security) are a pretty big part of his troubles. Feeling more confident in his appearance will help him feel more confident in other areas as well.

However much you try to help him, ultimately it's up to him. The fact that he has talked to you about how he feels is a good sign. He's showing that he understands that something is wrong and needs to be fixed, and that recognition is the first step toward fixing it. So good for him!

Old 12-18-2009, 03:03 AM   #7
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8800GTS HB User
Re: Seeing someone you love suffer

Some really good posts on here.

I agree with everyone's posts. Basically - you've gotta set boundaries for yourself. Keep them to yourself. If you decide to help your boyfriend out - help him the way a friend would. Make sure you don't allow his issues become your issues. Set boundaries within yourself - and don't tell him about them - that will maintain enough love and support for him to trust you... But make sure you don't hold on too tight - because YES; his issues can become yours... And you could potentially be led down the pipe with him...

Although its already been said - I'll repeat it for the sake of severity. His problems are his problems. The only way he's going to change - AT ALL - is if he chooses to change.

"Change is a simple as one decision... Its YOUR decision to change. "

Just be there for him the same way you would want him to be there for you - if you were in his shoes. Depression is a very hard thing to grasp; especially for those whom haven't experienced the intense emotions associated with it. The whole confidence thing; I agree with. I have lack of confidence - and it SERIOUSLY debilitates my ability to function in today's world... Someone has already mentioned, "Helping him look good will boost his self - confidence..." THAT - is so true. Its so true; and it DOES make a huge difference.

A boxer is a fighter in a ring... He has all the moves, all the strength, and puts out all the punches and pain - alone. BUT - the boxer would not be anything without the corner man, his coach and his inspiration for being there... He must, "SEE," what it is, he's fighting for... And it is up to those whom have his best interest in mind; to REMIND him - occasionally - what it is; that is worth all the pain; what is worth getting back onto your feet after falling down, time after time... Something worth living for - but something you would glady DIE for - to FIGHT for...

Unfortunately, when depressed... Its hard to consistently remind ourselves; of just what it is; thats so GREAT in life; that we should put up a constant battle to fight for. Especially when we constantly fight ourselves - put ourselves down. Lack of confidence is like having no motivation... Its the worst thing.

Perhaps - as a friend - you could remind him what IS possible. Because anything IS; possible. We just gotta remind ourselves of that.

(And NOTHING comes; without a fight... Internal fights, External fights, or BOTH)


Last edited by 8800GTS; 12-18-2009 at 03:05 AM.

Old 12-28-2009, 08:18 AM   #8
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Re: Seeing someone you love suffer

What wisdom you have and thank you for sharing. It is so true what you are saying and that depression has to be dealt with and some people are prone to it like myself but I try hard not to stay there because it is self-destructive as well as destroys relationships. It is manipulative and last night I was depressed and angry at my situation with staying home with my older husband who has dementia but he can't help it and has no one to help him but me. I'm glad I can go to work and be productive and have someone to care for him at home and the State helps pay for this. I am so thankful for so much in my life and your sharing in this post really helped me. Thank you. No one should enable someone who is depressed, on drugs, etc. to remain in this condition and lose their life doing it because it is that person't choice to find help and support and not to give up on life.

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