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  • What is wrong with me?

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    Old 03-29-2010, 01:18 PM   #1
    alwayzme
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    What is wrong with me?

    Hi all. This is my first post so bare with me.

    I don't know what's wrong with me. Everyone tells me I am depressed but I'm not. I've been depressed before, and what I'm feeling now does not even compare. I am extremely irritable (or people have become dumber). My job isn't stressful but it has gotten to the point where I hate it because I am so understaffed. I have little to no motivation at work or at home. I can't even get myself to clean my house sometimes and then I get mad at myself for letting it all pile up. I don't enjoy any of my hobbies any more and my sex life is pretty non existing. But I don't feel sad at all. I don't feel like I'm going to cry. I don't feel like the world is going to crash down on me. But I know something is wrong but I don't know how to fix it. I just feel like I need a push. Like a real push just to get out of this hole. I feel very blah. And I justify it to myself by telling myself that this is what adulthood is. And I need to just get over it. But I physically CAN'T get out of this fog. I forget words at time. I don't know. I don't know what it is.

    A friend told me about how Wellbutrin helped her just get a hold on things again. That's what I need. Just a little help. Just till I'm back on top of everything. But another friend said doctors aren't comfortable prescribing Wellbutrin. That didn't even make sense to me. I can understand if maybe Wellbutrin is not what I need for my symptoms, but can a doctor deny you medication?

    What the heck is wrong with me?!

     
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    Old 03-29-2010, 03:55 PM   #2
    bear6079
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    Re: What is wrong with me?

    Hey alwayzme I understand what you are going through. I have been diagnosed with severe depression. When it first started I was having very aggressive thoughts towards others and myself, but that seems to have gone away, but I still have passing thoughts that still bother me, but they don't have the same hold that they did. Now I just find myself being very irritated at most people for reasons I don't know it just seems that all of a sudden they got real annoying and I also have little motivation to do much of anything and find it very hard to do anything other than sleep and the bare essentials. So you are not alone

    I was on zoloft and then taken off of it because it wasn't working so I was put on 150mgs of wellbutrin and I have been on it about four or five days now which isn't really enough time for it to really take effect, but I already feel a little better. I feel a little more chipper then I have in a while, but I still have these passing thoughts and they still bother me a lot and I think that is why I am very quick to get irritated and angry with people, but I understand what it is you are going through.

     
    Old 03-30-2010, 04:35 AM   #3
    alwayzme
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    Re: What is wrong with me?

    Thanks for responding bear. I don't know why (although it has been going on for a while now) I have been so 'people intolerant'. I was flying back home after a trip and my flight was delayed and I was literally LOSING IT. WIth the little annoying kid kicking my chair behind me and the smelly drunkard to my left, I just felt like I was going to snap. I needed a 'chill pill', literally. And while everyone else seemed to be upset, I felt extremely UPSET. I didn't understand WHY I was losing it either. These things happen ALL THE TIME. It's a snow ball effect at this point and I know it shouldn't be like this.

    And then its the lack of motivation. I sit in front of the computer and HOPE no one notices I am not doing anything beside cruise the internet. Luckily, my supervisor is a different state altogether.

    I just need a little break. Just stop time for a bit so I can sleep a little more, or just so I can calm myself down when I'm feeling irrate. Get back into playing instrument, writing in my journal. Doing laundry that I haven't done in a very long time. Clean the kitty litter more often... Wellbutrin is an activator (so I heard) and I think it would be perfect. Plus, I heard it can increase libido which is something I am very interested in. Can you request a medication by name?

     
    Old 03-30-2010, 05:09 AM   #4
    Cassy
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    Re: What is wrong with me?

    Hi,

    I know exactly what you're going through. Sometimes I don't even want people around me and I just want to scream/cry. Even have terrible thoughts. I receive treatment for depression/Bipolar for almost 3 years now. Was on several medication. Including Wellbutrin. It worked very well (gives you energy) but the doctor had to stopped it because of side-effects. Currently I'm on 9 different medication. I've received 4 ECT's (Electrocompulsive therapy).

     
    Old 03-30-2010, 07:49 AM   #5
    mmKay
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    Re: What is wrong with me?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by alwayzme View Post

    Wellbutrin is an activator (so I heard) and I think it would be perfect. Plus, I heard it can increase libido which is something I am very interested in. Can you request a medication by name?
    The reason they have all those ads on tv for prescription meds is that so you'll ask you doctor for them by name. Since the only way to find the right antidepressants for someone is trial and error, I don't see the harm in you deciding which one to try first. It's your body. I wouldn't just go to the doctor and say "I want Wellbutrin." Talk to him/her and try to make a decision together. Maybe something like "I was researching antidepressants and I think the effects of Wellbutrin would be the most helpful to me because I'm really low on energy and blah blah blah".. you get the point. I think that way the doctor would be more open because he'll know it's an informed decision.

    Good luck

     
    Old 03-30-2010, 08:29 AM   #6
    alwayzme
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    Re: What is wrong with me?

    I've seriously considered ECT. I really think a jolt or shock may shake me out of this. How's your memory Cassy? I hear that there is a lot of memory lost with ECT. But to be honest, in the last couple of months, although I haven't felt like I'm getting worst- as far as my feelings- I am forget words. Like brain fart moments. I really don't know what is wrong with me. But believe me when I tell you, I don't feel sad at all. I'm pretty content, until people **** me off (but is it me, or are people just getting dumber!?).

    mmkay, lol. I know, I'll sound like a druggie! LOL. But I have spoke to my doctor about my lack of motivation and asked her if she knew of a therapist I might be able to talk with. She recommended someone who charges $100 for 55 min sessions and doesn't take insurance!!!! I simply can not afford that. Plus, I don't feel like there's anything to talk about. I don't even know why I am so confident in this drug. I just feel like this may be the one- and it might not be. But I just think it will work.

    Requested an appt. with my doctor thru the hospital's email service. Hopefully I can see her soon. I just want to be better. I'm tired of living with this feeling. Its been going on a long time and I keep thinking I will shake it off... but nothing yet .

    You have all been soo helpful. Thank you all so much.

     
    Old 03-30-2010, 08:57 PM   #7
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    Re: What is wrong with me?

    ECT is basically a last resort option due to the risk involved as it does not take a single sessions but a few weeks of sessions, normally three a week, to see if there is any real change. As for the memory loss that differs from person to person all I ever lost was the time right before and right after the sessions.

    Finding the right antidepressant can be difficult and it can take quite some time to find the right one or the right combo. If you track every single feeling that you have through out the day and gives this to the doctor they may be able to find the right med more quickly.

    Therapy is not cheap but sometimes there are free groups that are offered by the local mental health agency and can make the world of difference for some people
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    Old 04-06-2010, 07:02 PM   #8
    bergamot
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    Re: What is wrong with me?

    From what you're saying and from what I've experienced it sounds like depression. There is a point at which I completely lost all attachment to emotions and really felt NOTHING. I am just slowly regaining that now.

    Also from what I've read being highly irritable actually can be a symptom. And since you say you have had depression, perhaps getting back to seeing a doctor would really help. I don't think focusing on a specific medication is a good idea, but rather focusing on what you're experiencing so you can accurately describe it to a doctor that knows what to prescribe for it. It is rare that a normal doctor/psychatrist would prescribe anything if it is truly needed, so don't worry about that.

     
    Old 04-07-2010, 06:26 AM   #9
    alwayzme
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    Re: What is wrong with me?

    I almost set up an appt for ADs, but I chickened out... I have a really hard time vocalizing my feelings (in general) and I don't really want to tell my doctor what I'm feeling. I would like to see a therapist, but I know I won't talk. I'm very good at keeping myself superficial when it comes to talking. I used to be able to keep a journal but I can't even get myself to do that. There's a lot I don't want to think. Nothing bad. Just feelings I can't get myself to react to. Pride may be one of my character flaws and it stops me saying too much. Ugh. I just want to feel different and want to be genuinely happy without having to fake it.

     
    Old 04-08-2010, 10:30 AM   #10
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    Re: What is wrong with me?

    You should try to make the appointment. Your either getting a little bit more comfortable here, or you're feeling worst- from your first post till your last one. A lot of people are anti anti-depressants. But if you had a headache, wouldn't you take a Tylenol? So maybe it will help.

    Good luck.

     
    Old 04-08-2010, 05:45 PM   #11
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    Re: What is wrong with me?

    Hey Alwayzme,

    Make the appointment. I had the same problem, just thought I could handle it myself but after 17 years I couldn't deal with day to day stuff anymore so I went to my therapist and he sent me to the med Dr. I'm glad I went. Do you have a friend or family member to go with you? Maybe that would give you a voice. I basically said "I'm having a hard time dealing day to day and have no energy and I think I need something to help me"

    I've been on Wellbutrin for 8+ months. I take 300mg a day. I love it. It gives me energy and I can get out of bed most days. It made me lose weight and increases libido. I will say this...at first I couldn't eat or sleep for 3 weeks, I shook and was very anxious. I was a total maniac, cleaning, running around, always moving then it mellowed out. I actually wish I was that way again lol...Now, I also take Pristiq to help with the "happy" part and Ativan for my anxiety. I've been on a ton of ADs, you have to see what works for you. Everyone is different.

    I feel for you. I'm actually at neutral most days, other days are sad or mad...not many moments of happy or excited. I hope you get the courage to reach out.

     
    Old 04-13-2010, 12:05 PM   #12
    alwayzme
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    Re: What is wrong with me?

    Hey everyone. Again, so many thanks. I kept my original appointment after much comtemplation. I know something is wrong with me but I just can't figure it out. As I mentioned, I am just not good at vocalizing feelings. So as soon as I started talking to the doc, the tears just came out. Not many, I tried extremely hard to keep them in. I hate crying. She agreed that the Wellburtin may help and gave me a prescrip for it as well as suggested therapy. Maybe once I get a bit stabler, I can talk with out crying. Between us, I don't know if I'm depressed, need anger management, have adult ADD or what. But I know that depression hits upon all of these so I am really hoping to get myself under control. Maybe start ballet again and paint my one wall that has had just one ugly coat on it for the past.... 8 months or so? And maybe I'll actually do laundry... I've barely done laundry this year (just sheets and towels and underwear)... in my defense I have a lot of clothes and don't sweat much... but I am very embarrassed about it. I know not to expect a miracle, but I'm hoping.

    Thanks for sharing your story with me Anotherday . I hear it can cause irritability for the first few days... but I don't think anything can make me more bitchier or snarkier than I already am!

     
    Old 04-13-2010, 05:41 PM   #13
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    Re: What is wrong with me?

    Hey alwayzme

    Just for the record, I cry all.the.time. It's ok to cry, you need a release, pent up emotional fester inside and can make you sick. At least that's what I hear. These people are professionals and are very use to crying and everything else you feeling. I know...easier said then done....

    Good luck!

     
    Old 05-03-2010, 06:48 AM   #14
    semisaine
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    Re: What is wrong with me?

    You need a positive change in your life.It seems that you are lost in your thoughts and that is neva a good thing.I think it would be a good idea if you take a more hollistic approach to life. Do things that are spiritual e.g yoga meditating.I think you stop looking at whats wriomng with you and concerntrate on whats right with you.Try not to take life too seriously and learn that not imperfection is apart of who we are.

     
    Old 05-22-2010, 10:29 AM   #15
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    Re: What is wrong with me?

    HI ALWAYZME ~

    I stumbled over your post by accident, and I am so glad I did. I feel like you were writing about my life, the only difference being I am already taking Wellbutrin (diagnosed with depression 13+ years ago, also many other health problems.) Yet I still can't shake that intense feeling of irritation I have for EVERYTHING! It is so incredibly difficult to put into words the frustration that is felt and I feel like you did a great job explaining and describing it.

    I just wanted to see how you were doing. Have you been taking the Wellbutrin that was prescribed? Please update, as I am sure the others who have read your post would like to know that you are doing well.

    S~

     
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