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Gloomy Kitty 04-16-2010 11:41 AM

Uncertainty for the future - I know I need help...
I have been diagnosed with many things through the years. At times I find that they may not be sure what I have... I have been told I have dysthymia, some forms of bipolar (without the highs of mania), post-traumatic stress, a.d.d and anxiety. It just feels like I have so many issues which need to be fixed.

I have been on and off medication. I've been trying new medication for years and usually start a new one monthly. My psychiatrist has been putting me on the lowest dosages of medications. I have tried Zyprexa, Zoloft, Paxil, Celexa, Risperdone and many others. I am currently getting off Risperdone.

One thing I've noticed is being on the lowest dosage of those medications causes me to balance my moods so I'm not irrational though I get the worst side effects with all of them. Due to such a low dosage I'm always on it never helps with my depression or to fix things. So the doctor increases the dosage even by upping it a little. Every time this happens it causes my system to not be able to handle it. I usually become insanely depressed, suicidal, irrational, having crying fits and more.

I am at a cross-road. I feel like I can either choose to not be on medication and deal with instability which I don't feel is right to put on to my family... Or I can constantly be changing up medications. I just feel stuck. I wish there was a medication which could react well with me. The psychiatrist recently told that I am very sensitive to medication. Due to this I cannot get the good effects of the medication being on a low dosage. But upping the medication causes massive side effects and makes me worst.

I'm not sure what to do. Has anyone went through this? What can I do?

How it feels:

I'm fearful I'm going to be stuck on disability the rest of my life. I have no hobbies anymore. I have no confidence and zero self-esteem. I get no enjoyment out of anything. I don't even know what I like or dislike. Anything I used to be good at years ago I struggle at, get frustrated and give up on it. I don't have any friends... I feel ignored, lonely and abandoned half the time. My boyfriend has tons of friends... I envy that he has so many. I've tried to make friends and no one ever likes my company or speaks highly of me like his friends do of him. I have difficulty talking these days. I cannot find the words for things. My memory is going. I have irritability issues. My boyfriend says I am the most self-loathing person he has ever met but he loves me. He will stand by me but I feel like a burden... I am jealous of everyone. I wish I had something I was good at. Every day I just feel extreme boredom and get no enjoyment. I feel suicidal occasionally. I have trauma from the past which haunts me. I live with lots of regret from things I did in the past. I'm scared of people. I'm severely hypersensitive to people and things. Medication has made me gain weight so I feel very ugly. I used to love fashion but I can barely fit into clothing I like and when I do I feel hideous. I feel like I am too eccentric for the world. I have opinions which differs from most people. I am always depressed - every day... I care too much what other people think so I'm scared of people seeing me. I get easily stressed and get stressed most of the time. I also cannot handle stress very well.

I need help. And I don't know how to get it. I'm trying so hard. I call my psychiatrist every time the medication causes severe reactions. I wish I knew what was wrong with me or which problem I need to fix first. I just feel like everything has build up. I let things build up too badly and now I can't do anything.

This sounds like ranting... I'm not sure what to ask for or what to ask for. I just feel like I have no where else to go. I am trying to reach out for help but I feel I may be a lost cause. I just wish I would of been born normal. I'm really struggling with who I am these days -- I really don't know.

I have nothing to show for where I am in life. I've dropped out of school more then a few times. I have my GED but that's it. I am not sure what I want to do with my life. Some times I think I know but then I change my mind or lose interest. I'm too scared of people though... I wouldn't be able to handle any social environments. I can't leave the house without my boyfriend coming with me...

I guess I'll end it here. I know I'm probably missing more... I just need help but I don't know what to ask for. Anything you can think of will be very helpful.

keenobserver 04-19-2010 11:53 AM

Re: Uncertainty for the future - I know I need help...
As you say a lot is going on in your life and there isnt much more you can do without help from others. You say that your boyfriend loves you, perhaps you can analyse how that happened and take small things from that to make friends. If he can love you, then a lot more people can be around you.

One thing you can do is explain here how you feel down or up or what makes you feel the way you do. There are a lot things that can make you feel low and yet the simplest things that can pick you up. The most important thing is to figure out what is causing you to feel the way you feel. Once this happens you can then avoid that and slowly make yourself more stable by the day.

Let me know if this makes sense. Thanks

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