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alltheleaves 02-23-2011 12:37 PM

not sure where to go from here

I am new to these message boards and still unsure of how everything works so please bear with me.

I am 31, married, have two young children (ages 5 and 7) and stay at home to care for the house and children. Financially we are in good standing.

I have been depressed as long as I can remember (even as a young girl). My childhood and family life were quite complicated. It wasn't necessarily "bad" but it has affected me in a negative way. I am also in an unhappy marriage. I love my husband dearly but I really don't want to be married to him. We have been married almost 10 years and together almost 14 years. I hate having sex with him and dread it. It is cause for great anxiety on my part as well as quite a bit of depression. There is a bit of background in this area but I won't go into it right now.

I love my children and would do anything for them including give my life for them. I do my best to be a good Mother and care for them the way I feel they should be cared for... but I honestly wish I would never have had children.

I see a therapist every other week and on the weeks I don't see him I see a nurse practitioner. I have seen my therapist for about two years now and feel like I have gotten no where... In fact I feel worse than I did when I started. I have come to realize that only I can change. I can not change others and I can not expect others to change for me. This only makes me more depressed. I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt anyone. My husband is clueless. He doesn't know how unhappy I am with our marriage. I have expressed my dislike of sex (it usually hurts me quite a bit to have sex) and he understands but he has needs. I feel so trapped.

I was contemplating suicide and had a plan back in November/December 2010 but my husband found out through a friend I confided in and took away the pills I had been saving (phenobarbital). The nurse practitioner raised my zoloft to 200mg (from 100mg) and it helped for a short time but I am back to feeling severely depressed again. I've been lying to my therapist and nurse practitioner because I'm just so tired of everything. I don't even want to talk to them about it anymore. I really just want to disappear. I feel so overwhelmed by life. I am stuck in an unhappy marriage with two young children, a house to take care of and no desire to do anything... I feel like such a looser or wus or something... It takes everything I have to just get out of bed most days... but I know I have to take care of my children and the house.


I thought maybe there would be people here who would understand my situation and maybe have some kind words to say or maybe some advice...

Thank you,


neveragain444 02-23-2011 11:48 PM

Re: not sure where to go from here
Hi Lisa. I do know what it's like to be married to a man you love and care about but are not in love with anymore. Is that the issue with your husband? Before I got a divorce, it would hurt me when he'd want to have sex with me, and all it did was make me cry. If I do engage in such, it would have to be someone I was in love with. Sometimes people fall and then later on lose those feelings. I don't know why it happens. I wouldn't be one to give good marriage advice, I doubt. But maybe you two could try a councelor together. You've been married an awfully long time to just give up on that. And I think if something doesn't fix that, you do need to depart your ways. You can't keep yourself in a marriage you are not happy in, just to make everyone else happy. As you can see all it's doing is making you depressed. Your saying you sometimes wish your children had never been born. You need to resolve the issue somehow. Do you have someone that you'd trust babysitting the kids if you went out and got a job? You will have to learn to be somewhat financially independant if you do get a divorce. But you have to make a change somehow, you have to talk to your husband, try to figure out a way to resolve these feelings. And you shouldn't have sex with someone just because they have needs. If you don't want to do it, don't do it. And as far as the zoloft goes, sounds like a total waste of time taking it, it's more than obvious it's not helping you. You need to tell your physician this. They cannot help you unless you do. I'd say they need to try you on a different one. However, regardless of what you take, it's not going to matter unless your willing to make a life change to the thing that is hurting you so bad.

keenobserver 02-24-2011 12:05 AM

Re: not sure where to go from here
Hi Lisa,
Reading your unfortunate story I would say that this is an opportunity for you to change. This is not easy but this is where your therapist will come in. There are certain tests I hear that are very helpful and this includes Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Medicine wont help you at this stage but can stop you from having physical affects like anxiety. However you can now learn to rebuild your life around, start something you have always wanted to do.
Let me know if this was helpful. Thanks

alltheleaves 02-24-2011 04:03 PM

Re: not sure where to go from here
Thank you both for your replies! It was kind of you to read through my post and take the time to post. Thank you.

neveragain, I have been unhappy for quite some time. I just don't want to hurt anyone and in the process I have hurt myself. My husband is clueless and thinks everything is fine. I do love him... just not the way I feel I should... I feel he should be with someone who do loves him that way and wants to be with him intimately. I will start working when my youngest starts school in the fall.

keen, thank you for your input. I think you are probably right... I need to change my situation and do something I'm interested in. I don't think I can do it though. I'm too scared.

Thank you again for your replies.


keenobserver 02-26-2011 03:19 AM

Re: not sure where to go from here
In my opinion, you are still married to him because he wants the best for you. For people suffering from depression though if someone does not understand what you are going through it is difficult for him to understand and get good support from him. You can try but the results may make things worse.

About making changes to improve the quality of your life, it would be a good idea to get therapy and waiting for things before you start is a way of avoiding making changes in your life. Im not suggesting you start next week but make a plan to go to a councellor. You will also need your husband's support. You also need to consider that your kids need you to be happy as well. Otherwise they will inherit depression symptoms from you.

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