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    Old 07-20-2011, 08:16 AM   #1
    sdsilver97's Avatar
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    sdsilver97 HB User
    Loving Relationship but so many doubts

    Hi, I was hoping I could turn to this to get some help. I feel kind of hopeless right now.

    Just a little back story on me.

    I am 25 years old and have a great life and am SO happy most of the time. I have the most wonderful family and boyfriend anyone could ask for. I have been struggling with depression for five years now. My dad has 8 brothers and sisters and 7 out of 8 are struggling with it including my dad. Alot of my cousins too are struggling with it so I know it is in my genes.

    The first time I experienced depression was my second year of college at an art school. I was doubting my talents and felt like a failure and everything I did was terrible. I thought I was going to drop out it was so bad. I went on medication and got much better. Four years had past and then last year around this time I fell back into it. My doctor increased my Zoloft dosage 50mg to 100mg. I eventually felt normal again after a couple weeks.

    So once again I have fallen back into it.

    I am in an 8 year relationship. We have been together since our junior year of high school. He is THEE most perfect man. He is understanding and compassionate with what I am going through. He told me that we were going to get through this together. When I am away from him I get so much anxiety and I get these terrible thoughts that we won't make it or he's not the right one for me or I don't love him anymore. But when I am with him he always calms me down and makes me feel better. I feel like every guy I see I question myself on whether or not I would have these thoughts if I was with him, without evening knowing the person.

    During these depressive times, if I hear a song talking about somebody leaving somebody I get that anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. Or if I see somebody without a wedding band on I think "Oh no, did they get a divorce, is that going to happen to me?" and it makes me anxious to think about that.

    How can you tell the difference between the depression and your body trying to tell you he's not right?

    I am fine during my happy times. But why do I fall into this terrible anxiety about us? It was literally fine one week and then I just went crazy the next.

    My 2010 episode last only a month and was the same kind of feelings but I got out of it and it made us stronger but I'm scared out of my mind that this is the second time now. I know I'm suppose to push the bad thoughts away and I feel like I'm looking for a yes or no answer on my future with my boyfriend when I know I want the answer to be YES. I have been feeling depressed and scared for 7 weeks now.

    I have so much anxiety and fear of everything falling apart. I've seen a therapist twice and am praying a lot. I'm hoping my new medication will kick in soon but I was hoping to look to somebody else who's gone throughit.

    What do you do to feel better?

    I was on Zoloft 50mg for 4 years and then last year my doctor bumped me up 50mg… I have now been on wellbutrin 150mg as well as 150mg of Zoloft.

    Do people fall back into depression several times? This is my third time now and Im starting to worry I am going to have to go through this all the time…

    Thanks for reading this and any replies are very much appreciated.

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    Old 12-04-2011, 04:13 PM   #2
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    pinaay HB User
    Re: Loving Relationship but so many doubts

    I may not be the best authority on this- I don't know too much about relationships and I'm roughly 7 years younger than you...but no one has replied to you yet; although you've had so many views!

    I don't really understand the full extent of clinical depression, and I'm not saying that it's all in your head. But I do know that I've felt like you before- feeling utterly talentless, useless; like a piece of chewed up gum on the bottom of someone's shoe. And I know that many people feel like this, sometimes, too. My purpose for saying this is that I've felt bad about myself for long periods of time, but this feeling eventually goes away when I put my mind to something that I enjoy doing, or that I'm confident I do well.

    I don't mean to sound offensive, but it sounds to me like you might be a little paranoid, and that you might be having something missing in your life. It's great that your boyfriend can bring you such a sense of security. But ultimately, I don't think that it makes for healthy relationships to be completely dependent on someone for happiness. I don't mean to say that he doesn't love you. But think about it- why do you think lots of married women have "girls' night out"? Or that tons of married men need a "night out with the guys"? This applies to opposite-sex friendships, too. You need to have something that makes you happy-something for you. If you're not happy yourself, how can you possibly make others around you happy?

    Now again, I don't mean to attack you or make you feel insecure. I think that it's perfectly natural for someone to feel insecure about a relationship, for no apparent reason. After all, we can't exactly guarantee that the world will still be here tomorrow- it's only normal to apply this same sense of doubt to relationships. But it seems to me that you're going just a little too far with your feelings of insecurity. That you feel afraid of breakups because you see someone not wearing a wedding ring clues me in as to how paranoid you are right now. Take a step back and think about this, calmly, for a moment. My opinion? Would the two of you have been together for nearly a decade if there was nothing compounding your relationship together? I don't think so. You are like many others who seek reassurance about the uncertain future that we all have- that's one of the reasons why so many people go for fortune telling and other such things.

    I think that this aspect of your depression, that is you fear of your relationship falling apart, is originating not from depression itself, but from your insecurity about yourself, which might be caused by your depression. Perhaps feeling sad and useless all the time has prompted you to fear that you're not good enough for your boyfriend and your relationship. It has nothing to do, in my opinion, with your body telling you he's not the one. This is your mind conjuring up these thoughts because you might be at a point where you feel so negative that something needs to go wrong.

    It's time to become a more positive person and be open to change.

    I used to be an extremely negative and self-loathing type of person, so I know what it feels like. But I think that you first need to realize and accept that, yes- the future cannot be guaranteed. If you're looking for a yes or no answer, you won't get one. None of us ever do, for any situation. It may give us a sense of security- (think about how desperate people can be for this reassurance, like the classic "he loves me, he loves me not" with the flower petals) but what's the point in predicting the outcome of life? Life and love, I feel, is a higher order that is beyond our understanding, and part of living healthily is to accept this and rejoice in this. This doesn't mean that you will have relationship problems. But start to look beyond, and look into yourself. Find out what's missing from your life.

    Relationships can be healing, like how your boyfriend helps and reassures you. But healing needs to come from within, too. You have to be able to help yourself.

    Old 12-05-2011, 09:50 PM   #3
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    Re: Loving Relationship but so many doubts

    You mentioned you experienced depression was in your second year of college, perhaps you can evaluate what triggered your depression at that time? It can be simple things but also I think that you were scared that you were not good enough and could not back out. I think that you tried to cover up the symptoms of your illness rather than solve the illness during those stages. As a result you have developed a sense of detachment from your problem yet somewhere deep inside you realise that you have not accepted your inability to fulfill something you started.

    As for your relationship, something from your past experiences have significantly increased your level of anxiety and perhaps it is more chemical based in your brain rather than just normal anxiety but somehow I feel that if you can overcome your greatest fears/failures then things can be a lot easier.
    As mentioned in the earlier post, maybe you can fulfill something missing in your life. To notice this, perhaps you can start a cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) with your councellor. After all always being anxious about life and relationships are unhealthy and can make things worse in the long run.

    To pinaay, a lot of things you have mentioned sounds like you are more matured than 18 years of age. Some things you have mentioned though seems like someone who has no idea about mental illness. Basically chemical imbalances in the brain can cause moods to allow us not to continue our daily functions appropriately. This can be caused by being over exposed to certain circumstances which over time makes people suffering from the illness to be showing symptoms that include low mood, sorrow etc. It can also work the opposite way.

    Anway let us know how this information helps. Thanks

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