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jack1138 12-28-2011 11:35 PM

I don't see a way to fix my life. Severely depressed. Long read.
Iím a single 34 year old male and have been depressed for most of my life. I lost my job of 10 years in 2008, because of a drinking problem. Before then I was completely able to be independent and was pretty responsible, even having a car that was paid off and a nice little apartment for myself. After I lost my job, I had money saved up but it ran out, and I had a difficult time finding work. I also met a girl whom I fell deeply in love with, but she came and went out of my life many times, and every time she left I would feel severe depression for weeks, sometimes months. She was the only thing that brought me some semblance of happiness and when she left, as she always did, the pain I felt was beyond description. It was hard for me to meet people, so when I meet her, and we had so many things in common, I knew it was special. I lost count of how many times we got together and then went our separate ways. The break-ups never seemed to get easier.

Eventually I found a job that paid well, but it was only temporary. I felt a little better and started seeing the same girl again, and things seemed to be moving in the right direction. However, she left me again and, before that, my job had ended. The impact of those two events was devastating to me. Bills couldnít be paid and I was on the verge of eviction. Driving home after breaking up with her, I had only one thought ó suicide. It was so clear an answer for me. And it almost calmed me. I went home and swallowed a handful of medication I take for anxiety. As I started to feel sleepy and weak, I began to regret my decision and so called an ambulance. I was in the ER and then taken to the mental ward for a week. My brother ó whom I had reconnected with after ten years or so of absence ó and his wife were very compassionate and concerned. As was my mother, who has mental issues of her own even though she denies it. This mental ward, which was understaffed, didnít seem to help at all. I never got one-on-one counseling nor did there seem to be much concern for individuals. Itís almost like they waited for you to want to get out of there so bad that you would fake being better just to do so. I got out of the hospital and got help with bills and managed to keep my place. I went to therapy but not enough to help me.

Not long after that, I found another job, but I started to hate it as it was a sales job and my confidence and ability to deal with customers very quickly eroded. It didnít pay the bills and was very stressful to me but I stuck with it. Something else bad happened to me, and I found myself at the height of my depression and anxiety. The girl I had been seeing off and on had been back in my life briefly. During that time, she became pregnant. At first she didnít want to keep it, and then she changed her mind, much to my joy. I loved her and the idea of having a child with her was a dream. That was quickly dashed when she changed her mind again the very next day. There were no words for how I felt, understandably I imagine. I had to get a title loan on my car to pay for the procedure. Not long after that she left again. My job suffered and I didnít make enough to pay bills. I became very withdrawn and didnít see my friends all the while my depression increased. It was a very lonely, sad, desolate time for me, which seemed to be the case more than often

On my birthday of this year, I came home from work, very down and despondent. Even though I had dramatically cut down on drinking, I decided to get drunk because of how unhappy I was. As the night went on, I got drunker and drunker as my tolerance had become low. I donít know what led me to do it, but I took out a gun, pressed it to my side and pulled the trigger. I guess I was too cowardly to put the gun to my head, or I wanted to give fate a little more chance. I figured if I shot myself in the side, my chances of living were 50/50. As I felt my breathing becoming labored and my body growing cold, I got scared and again called the ambulance. I was in the hospital for over a month and lost a spleen and bits of some of my other insides. When I got out, my brother let me move in with them. I was still in pretty bad shape mentally and physically. I also had to have an ileostomy bag, which was attached to the other side of my stomach. It would be reversible, but not for awhile.

I was very ashamed of myself and what I had done. I felt guilty and still very depressed. I had a ​hard time going out and being around people. The doctors kept putting off my reversal surgery and my therapy was not as consistent as it should have been. The antidepressants werenít working either. I tried to go back to work, but I just couldnít do it and so I lost my job and couldnít afford my car anymore. Having a bag attached to me at all times that collected my waste was also something I had a very difficult time with, as it required constant care and could easily ďmalfunctionĒ at any time. Slowly though I started going out a little and being around a few friends, but I still felt a lot of self-consciousness. I started the process of going back to school and felt that after I got the bag off and increased my therapy, I would be physically and mentally ready to try and get my life back on track. School would be ideal, as I could get a degree in something I loved and then get a good job. I know why I started to perform poorly at jobs ó I was getting older and the thought of not doing something I am good at or enjoy was a source of great shame for me, especially in light of the fact that my younger brother had a wife, a good job, a house, and a pretty happy life. This shame manifested itself in the form of apathy for my work, which would suffer accordingly. But now, I could go to school and work a parttime job, knowing that my schooling would eventually pay off and I wouldnít have to despise working like this since it wouldnít be forever anymore.

The doctor finally scheduled me for reversal surgery. However, a week before that surgery, my brother left a note telling me I had to move out because they didnít think I was getting better fast enough and they didnít want to feel guilty anymore about not being able to help me. They had taken a ďconsensusĒ with people I no doubt did not know, and the conclusion reached was that I would never get my life back on track. Now, not only did I have to worry about recovering, I had to worry where I would live while I recovered. I stayed with a friend until I had to go in for surgery, which was about two weeks in the hospital. When I got out, per my motherís idea and having no other choice, I had to move in with an aunt I hadnít seen in well over a decade. In addition to being in pain physically and mentally, I was very isolated as I didnít have a car or internet access, and none of my possessions to help distract me as I recovered. I also had no way to get to therapy, which was much needed. She lived a little far from my town, which added to the isolation. I think this mental strain had an impact on my recovery, as I eventually got a bad infection and had to go back to the hospital for a week. I was actually glad to be there.

When I got out, it was back to my auntís. She was nice but constantly tried to get me to talk about my issues, which I had a lot of difficulty with. I barely knew this person and talking to trained professionals was hard enough. Neither her nor my mother understood this or the toll the isolation was taking. I was powerless to do anything. As a result, they wanted to take me back to the mental ward I was in the first time around and drop me off there. Unfortunately for them, I would have to be a danger to myself or others for the ward to accept me. My mom and aunt were angry at the fact that I wasnít completely better and that I wouldnít talk to them about my issues. I tried to explain to them why it was hard for me, but they angrily dismissed my reasons as ďexcusesĒ. I told them I had a plan to go stay with a friendís for awhile so that I could put in some job applications and also feel a bit more connected to the world. They wanted to know how soon I could do this, and I told them a few days.

I felt immense anger. I went ahead and called my friend that day and was picked up within a few hours. The feeling of not being wanted somewhere was something I couldnít take, not the first time at my brotherís and certainly not now.

Now I am at another friendís. For how long I do not know. I have so many new issues, as if I needed any more. I constantly feel like a burden wherever I am staying and thoughts of people just not wanting me around are always in my mind. I know I am a terribly depressing and sad person to be around, and it only adds to my complexes. I go out very little, and when I do itís to a store to get something. Even then I feel tremendous anxiety, as if I am scared of everything and everybody.

​I need a job to get money, but I need a car to get there. But I need money to get my car back on the road. I need to get out in order to overcome my social anxiety, but I have no way to get out, and even if I could, social anxiety keeps me from wanting to get out.

I have tried to get both unemployment and disability, but did not qualify. I have put in applications, not knowing how I would even get to an interview. I have tried to sell things, but I just donít have much of worth.

I know I did this to myself, and if there was anything in the world I could wish for, undoing all of this would be the obvious choice. There isnít a day that goes by that I donít feel profound shame, regret, and guilt.

I have very few friends left and my family seems to have abandoned me. The people I am staying with now are nice, but how long can they be understanding? How long until I am inevitably tossed out again? Once this happens, I will have no where to go. I will truly be homeless, which was one of the fears that caused me to attempt suicide. In my state, I cannot survive in the world of homelessness. I am almost out of my anxiety medication, which has prevented three panic attacks just this week. I canít afford to go back to the doctor to get more.

I can see myself out in the woods, slowly dying alone. Suffering, starving, hurting. What I cannot see is any way out of this situation I have put myself in. I cannot see a happy ending to my story. I donít know what to do. I donít know how to get the help I need. I donít see how I even deserve to live. I can only take and take now, with nothing at all to give. I am a burden, a parasite, a selfish idiot who has ruined his life. The world would have no need for me, nor would it miss me as I have done nothing in this life of any importance or value. I feel it is too late to salvage my life, and not worth the effort of doing so since it would take a few thousand miracles. I will eventually be dead anyway, so I cannot help but to want to expedite the process. Yes, suicidal thoughts infest my mind. I try to fight them but I have very little strength of resolve left. I can only lie to myself so many times.

To say I need help is an understatement of the most incredible kind. I thought writing about it would make me feel better, but even I am shocked at what I am reading.

sunni123 01-01-2012 11:58 AM

Re: I don't see a way to fix my life. Severely depressed. Long read.
I feel your pain. I'm about as alone as you are. I believe this world underestimates just how painful it is to be completely alone. However, you are not alone in feeling depressed and overwhelmed by life, with few supports.

When you filed for disability, did you apply and get denied at your initial application or did you proceed to the appeals level? Your best chance is to get an attorney or national disability firm to help you through the process. It sounds like you are in very severe distress, so you may have a chance at getting approved this time around. You don't have to go through any of this alone.

zorest 01-11-2012 10:10 PM

Re: I don't see a way to fix my life. Severely depressed. Long read.
Sorry to hear your story. I also feel many of your feelings although, I have not popped lead into myself. The way I see life now after feeling I have been dealt a bad set of cards is to realize it could be worse, much worse. Think of war or being in prison for 40 years. Life for me is now a test of survival and to go to the pit without anymore chances or ways to improve ourselves and the world is scary. I know the Creator does not want me to be wealthy, it is just not my purpose, but He does want me to improve and become a better person. For those with children, it is better to teach them who you are, than what you have. If I kill myself, I will eternally have to live with that fact, and that, I do not want. Jack, prayer can help you overcome this attitude by connecting yourself and realizing what is your purpose of life.

My problem was always thinking "the grass is greener on the other side." It ruined my life, but I have learned an important lesson: To be thankful and grateful for what I have, because I might not always have it!

MMWMMW 04-22-2012 01:42 PM

Re: I don't see a way to fix my life. Severely depressed. Long read.
To: Jack

I read your post. I also feel your pain. Some of us have heavy crosses to bear. I can relate to your feelings of wishing you could change your choices of past and of feeling shame, regret, and guilt every day.

Nearly four months have passed since your post, and if you get this message, I'm wondering how you're doing now.

Rainy14 04-25-2012 04:55 PM

Re: I don't see a way to fix my life. Severely depressed. Long read.
Jack it must have taken so much to write as candidly as you did about how you are feeling. Do let us all know how you are.

crazymamaof2 04-25-2012 08:47 PM

Re: I don't see a way to fix my life. Severely depressed. Long read.
You are not alone. I myself am in a similiar situation. I have been severly depressed for over 16 months now. I was unable to return to my job and lost it. I don't qualify for unemployment as I am unable to work according to my psychiatrist. I was told to seek social security disability. I was denied twice and am awaiting a hearing which won't be until October or November..... My marriage is failing, I have two kids 8 and 13. I sleep most of the day, either due to the depression or the heavy doses of medication. I try to be there for them in the evening when they come home from school. My life was so good before I worked a full time job for 15 years, was an awesome mom and felt financially secure. I don't know how we are going to pay bills from month to month. I feel so angry and guilty for being so weak and allowing this depression to take me over. I have thought of suicide many times but I can't do that to my children.

Maybe you can seek out your local mental health department and can see someone there who can provide you with therapy and possibly samples of medication. If not go online and contact the manufacturer and they may be able to help you with the meds.
Good luck, hang in there. I am and not really sure why.

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