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aprilrene 01-04-2012 08:40 AM

lonely, bored, dont know how to change?
Ever here the definition of Insanity? Do the same thing over and over but expecting different results! Thats me! I have no idea how to change my life. I've tried church and meds. My problem isn't really due to mental illness. Its due to some really bad choices I've made and choices my hubby made. I love him more now then the day I married him. But he has turned into the very person he didn't want to be
Ok wait a min. The truth! He's secluded me, ignored me and let's me struggle financialy! He gets off of work and visits his friends or who ever till late at night. I believe he has a pain pill addiction! I feel alienated! I have no family and no money saved. I want to leave but do not want to sit in an empty apartment more lonely than I am now. I have no family and am sure if this keeps up my health will suffer. Im 39 and know im pretty much to old to find someone without gaining other issues!:(

bleetchblonde 02-07-2012 08:21 AM

Re: lonely, bored, dont know how to change?
Hi April,
I would be honored to hear more of your story.
How are you now, a month later?
I have no family, except my 2 daughters who are grown & gone. No husband.
I do hope you read this...
I'm reaching out to you-

aprilrene 02-07-2012 08:44 AM

Re: lonely, bored, dont know how to change?
Thank you Debbie! Well I guess I got real bad there for a while. I stayed in bed for a few days, cried for a few days. My husband step up a little and try. But really the problem is mine to fix. I put him on God status and expected him to make me happy. It was alot of pressure for him. Im still lonely and don't feel like I have any passion for ......anything. I guess im doing what I always do, burying it down deep till I lose it again
I don't know how to make myself happy, important or apart of things!

bleetchblonde 02-07-2012 09:08 AM

Re: lonely, bored, dont know how to change?
I'm in much of the same boat. My kids are grown & gone, no family anywhere. I often ask myself 'how did this happen to me?'.
I never pictured my life to be as empty & alone as it is now.
A little background in me-I'm a 53 yr old single woman with several chronic illnesses. But to look at me, you wouldn't-yes you would! At 5'7" tall, I weigh a whole 100lbs. The looks I get from people! Anywhere to 'wow you're skinny' to 'what do you have?', this is from strangers!!
I have a studio upstairs upstairs that just sits there, collecting dust. It's that passion you mentioned April, I have none of it :(
Where did go? Does it come back?
It's a rainy day today...somehow, in my mind, that makes it ok to feel dreary. Although I yearn for spring, to feel the warm sun again. It's been a long, cold winter!!
I'm in Northern California.
Ok, that's a little about me.
I look forward to you reposting.
Others can join in as well!

aprilrene 02-07-2012 10:17 AM

Re: lonely, bored, dont know how to change?
Wow im from Santa Maria Ca. But I've lived here in Indiana most of my life. My dad created most of my insecurities I have by leaving my mom and taking me across the country and raised me away from my family. So im close to none and really have no relationship with any. All for him to dis own me the last 10 years. Passion for me was hubby and children. I had a busted up home so I wanted more than anything for my girls to be raised in a home with a family. I never thought about them growing up and hubby having such a great life without me. But I've done this to myself. Just wish I could have changed it before I got this deep!

bleetchblonde 02-07-2012 10:52 AM

Re: lonely, bored, dont know how to change?
Wow-my father did the same. Except it was words with me. He hated that I am a girl & had 2 daughters. That made me the worst person in his eyes. I could do no right in his eyes.
Then he killed himself 2 years ago.
The anger & rage I felt (still feel) at him for hurting my daughters-
Anyway-what do/did you like to do at the good part if your life? I like to do photography, although my poor camera just sits there, waiting for me to be done with my excuses. Too cold, too rainy, I don't feel good. Sigh-
I feel....unimportant. Right word? No. I feel, lifeless. I just exsist. And it sucks.
I also like to draw, when I'm not down in the funk.
I just heard from my youngest today, she's 21 & I haven't seen her for 2 years. She gave me more excuses as to why she won't be visiting-again :(
Are your kids close by you??
What do you like to be called? April? Or Aprilrene?

aprilrene 02-07-2012 06:47 PM

Re: lonely, bored, dont know how to change?
Im so sorry to hear about your father! That must be so hard. I have more mommy issues....well I have major issues with both crazy parents! Lol! The truth about myself is im 39 and don't know what I like or am good at. My childhood sucked because mom and dad moved me around so much. And teenage years I made all the wrong choices. And by senior year, the only plans I made was to move with my boyfriend( now hubby) to another state and get jobs. Stupid, call me stupid! Then the story writes itself, I ended up pregnant and married totally dependent on a man! I have spent the last 22 yr totally about keeping my family together. I guess that's why I don't know what to do know. I don't really know who I am. I use to love to write. I could come up with some great stories. I let the excuse of not knowing proper punctuation stop me from really trying! My eldest lives near by and works for me at the Inn I manage. My youngest lives at home and goes to a cosmetology school. How long were u married? And what about ur mom? Thanks for the ear. I love photography! Not really taking pictures but love to look at coffee table type big photography books. Im a great people watcher I am. Lol!

bleetchblonde 02-09-2012 07:50 AM

Re: lonely, bored, dont know how to change?
Good morning April!
Why do you call yourself stupid? Sounds like you've done everything right!
You're still married after 22 yrs (congrats! that is huge!), both children are nearby & you run a business that includes people!
I would have been married 33 yrs to a wonderful man-but, I wondered, I left him. I haven't even dated for 12 yrs now! But I'm ready...*putting that out in the universe*.
Mommys. I've got you there too! I have (had) 2 moms. Bio mom who had me to snag my dad to marrying her. He was a lifer in the Air Force, so every 3 yrs, we moved. Being an only child, that was hard. It was New Mexico to Japan to Arkansas. Then back to New York. So, it was a lot of culture too fast I couldn't soak it in. Plus, I was a child!
I finally set stakes down in this little Northern California town by the water. It's very nice here & vowed that I would raise my girls in 1 town, go to the same school from grades 1-12! And I did it! Of course they complained, but it was a Huge victory for me. Then they moved on with their lives.
My bio mom disowned me many many years ago, seeing I was no use to her anymore. My step-mom, who I called mom for over 30 yrs, washed her hands of me after my dads suicide. I not only lost him, but a whole family.
I truly am, alone.
That's it for now. Thanks for listening.
Have a nice day-

aprilrene 02-09-2012 10:44 AM

Re: lonely, bored, dont know how to change?
Good afternoon! We must be soul mates. Lol! Im a military brat also. My dad remarried 3 times. My bio mom left when I was 7. She had major drug issues. Im originally from Ca. Too funny! I hate ur alone. It makes me wanna seek u out. Im not physicaly alone most of the time but sure am emotionally. Hubby is not happy and shuts down. He always wants what everyone else has or likes there s better. Nicer to other peoples kids, pets and so on.If he's drinking im the enemy! Its embarrassing! I envy how independent u seem! But loneliness is a killer. Do u have any siblings? I need lots of touching but could not imagine trying to date again either! Hope u have a good evening!

bleetchblonde 02-09-2012 12:21 PM

Re: lonely, bored, dont know how to change?
Back from my hair appt-damned I look good! Haha!
I'm an only child. Wheny dad married my step-mother, I was in heaven! She had 6 kids! So I went from an only child to a brood of kids! I was 13.
It just blows me away on how they, an entire family, can just erase me :(
That was 2 yrs ago & yup, still hurts.
Lonliness absolutely sucks. I went to dinner & movies the other night with an old friend, it was nice. But as soon as I walked into my condo, the loneliness hangs like old cigarette smoke.
I tell myself loneliness is a state of mind. Works a little. It gets bad after I've spent a great time with someone-sometimes its unbearable.
It's a pretty day here, no rain. Yay. I'm sick of the rain.
I can see how being married to an emotionally detached man can be just as lonely.

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