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stoneydork 03-11-2012 01:24 PM

What do I do?
Hello to anyone who reads this.

I feel completely alone and worthless. I Have felt like this for what seems like forever. I have never had any real friends and no one to talk too. My mom didn't want me when I was a kid and when I turned 15 I was put in states custody for abandonment (long story). My family never liked me and always made fun of me. I never had any friends in school and after being put in states custody I ran away a lot and basically lived on the streets off and on till I was 18. I have abandonment issues and have a problem with latching on to people and becoming dependent. I met my boyfriend when I was 19 and we lived together for 11 years now. He recently broke up with me due to my depression. He couldn't understand and couldn't deal with it. He took my depression personally and felt like I didn't love him because I never wanted to do anything intimate or otherwise. This has caused my feeling of abandonment to become more realistic in my head. I feel like he has given up on me. Although I can't blame him for not understanding. I have no one to talk too about my problems. I have tried talking to my sister but she tells me to stop feeling sorry for myself..everyone has problems. There are a lot of things going on in my head and I can't stop thinking. I don't ever go out or do anything except sit on the computer. I just don't know what to do or where to go. I am tired of feeling like a piece of S*** . Tired of it all. But I can't afford anything. And I am tired of not having anyone to talk too or care about me. I need some kind of guidance..I don't know where to get help but I know I need it. I don't have insurance or enough money to afford high priced therapist's and I don't know where else to go to get affordable help.

flamesabers 03-11-2012 07:59 PM

Re: What do I do?
Hello stoneydork.

I'm sorry to hear you've been feeling very lousy.

If you're employed I suggest checking to see if your employer has an employee assistance program that offers counseling services. Another option would be checking your phone book to see if there are any mental health helplines that could guide you with finding someone to help you.

stoneydork 03-12-2012 01:48 PM

Re: What do I do?
Thanks guys. I Have thought about going to a church before but I can't get the courage to actually go. I have anxiety and I feel like everyone in churches will judge me or see me as unworthy to be inside. I was baptized about 8 years ago and that took everything I had with hundreds (was a rather large church) of people staring at me. My anxiety has gotten worse since then, probably from lack of socializing and getting out of the house other than going to work. I dont think I would be able to step foot inside a large church and smaller churches scare me even more because the fact they are so small, there wont be too many people and the people who Are there will definitely notice a new comer. I dont want to be pointed out or become the center of attention because I am new. I have looked online for places around my area that may be able to point me in the right direction for help but they all require me to call a #..My anxiety isnt limited to face to face confrontations. I cant talk on phones. I get really nervous and stutter then hang up cause I feel like an idiot. Is there any way , any kind of, that may help me overcome this at least enough to where I Can call someone on a frickin phone? I feel so stupid. This is ridiculous.

KosmoKramer 03-12-2012 05:25 PM

Re: What do I do?
Do you work around people? Maybe you can think of going to church like going to work. You don't have to stick out. Go on a Sunday or a holiday when it it busy and scope it out. Remember, you posted on here because "you are tired of not having anyone to talk to or care about you" so it is going to take a bit of a push to make those changes happen. Do you ever call your insurance company or cable provider? Maybe try calling some of those or places like Best Buy, a library, or grocery store to ask them some random questions just to get used to your voice being heard over the phone. You have to start with small steps. Maybe try getting a pet to talk to and take care of. Your pet will care about you too and build your confidence. Even taking your pet for a walk or to the vet can spur conversation but it will all be about the pet so it takes you out of the attention. Maybe go to the grocery store or take walks in the mall to "blend in" with people to get used to being around other people and picking up on their social skills. Every bit of exposure helps. The key is to try something:)

flamesabers 03-12-2012 05:29 PM

Re: What do I do?
[QUOTE=stoneydork;4943414]Is there any way , any kind of, that may help me overcome this at least enough to where I Can call someone on a frickin phone?[/QUOTE]

What happened with me was I got to a point in my depression when I knew I really needed help so I set a time and date to call and I stuck with that. I guess it was desperation and a sense of urgency that helped with making the final push for me to ask for help. It was nerve-racking to talk to a complete stranger about how I was feeling and what was going on in my life. When the call was over though I felt a huge sense of relief for telling someone what was going on and that I would soon be getting help.

RimRock8 03-16-2012 02:28 PM

Re: What do I do?
Hi Stoneydork,
Regarding your anxiety about even placing a phone call. Just tell yourself that making a phone call to someone for help will be worthwhile because it's a first step in trying to get better.

And as far as going to a church for help... I don't think that you have to go to the church while mass is in session to make initial contact nor do you have to be a member of the church to ask for help. In most churches, the people who run the church are there daily. Would calling be easier than going there in person? If so, you can look up the phone number, build up your nerves, and call them to explain your situation. I am not an overly religious person nor am I much of a church-goer but I do know that most churches are always willing to help anyone who needs it. If they can't help you directly they might be able to point you in the right direction.

So keep telling yourself "I'm doing this to get better", and try to make the call. Good luck and remember that we are here as well to try give you whatever support we can through our keyboards!

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