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Depression Message Board

Keys to the cure are out of reach

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Old 06-03-2012, 07:11 PM   #1
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: San Diego, CA USA
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BillZimm1 HB User
Keys to the cure are out of reach

I know if I just get out of the house and go to the gym, hang out in nice bars and clubs early evenings I'll meet people and feel better. I know if I get on my bike daily and ride my beautiful neighborhood I'll feel better. I know if I do ten push ups I'll feel better and I know if I sign up for classes and go to seminars I'll feel better. But I don't do any of these things. I wallow in self pitty and I use Xanax in very small doses to stem the tide of the loneliness of my existence. As I have grown older with this disease I find myself comfortable on disability and section 8 housing. I worked hard once upon a time so my income is more than most from Social Security Disability. My friends distanced themselves a long time ago but remain in touch. I work a little bit fixing friends computers but it doesn't pay much. I have a nice home with a yard, garden and hot tub because friends rented to me cheap and have owned the house for generations, so I have security to a degree... but that is not enough. I have done cleanses, even the Gerson Therapy for 18 months. I lost all the weight and had good days, but now I'm down again. Anger seems to be what is activating the depression. Reading about the Illuminati, the global conspiracies, the medical and military industrial complexes sacrificing human lives in a sea of lies all in the name of profit has me down in the dumps and has literally re-activated clinical depression in me.

I can't believe that we do nothing about our world when we all can change it so easily. But we Americans can't even heal from 911 being an inside job. It is just too stressful to admit to ourselves and threatens a core belief system that triggers what I have - clinical depression.

Once I was a very active star in business. I had the respect of all my piers and I did not cheat or use power plays. I got good at what I knew and I used it to excel. I paid cash never used credit, honored everyone I ever dated and never cheated. I was a great guy and I am very proud of my accomplishments. But now at 57 years old I go out and people ignore me, I own nothing and I live frugally like an old retiree long before my time. I can't afford to travel or ski any more and I just stay home making sure I don't spend my savings. I read a lot and certainly I see my friends but I used to be happy enough being alone, now it's not so happy. I feel guilt that I should be forcing myself into recovery much harder than I am. It always took a sledge hammer to get me out of depression and today I just do not have the strength to throw myself in a cold shower to push ups and go to the gym to kick start my recovery. I just don't care any more.

It could be the low dose of Xanax .25 once or twice a day. But I feel like I am going off the deep end with anger if I don't take it. I do coffee enemas that alleviate a great deal of symptoms when things get bad and I do go running or for walks from time to time. The problem is I'm mad that I have abdicated my responsibility to my own heroism. I have given up and the depression is eating me alive.

Worse yet was the last two years a girlfriend of mine was earnestly trying to start a couple businesses. I worked hard to help her while ignoring what I should have been doing - my own business development. But I needed the company and it was nice to be with her. But both businesses failed. Now I have no money and she married a rich guy and never calls me anymore. No harm no foul, but it was not good for me.

Now I'm unable to work much again so I am trying to sell whole house water filtration systems for this amazing guy with a top flight technology. It will work but it is going to take time. He's slow getting me the training and the advertising budget, and I get very angry waiting on him especially after my girlfriend experience. I just need some success and the feeling that elevates depression when we succeed at something. I need success.

I'm going to try Andreas Moritz' gall blader - liver cleanse. I know it will give me more physical energy. I have read nothing but good things about it. I eat organic, juice raw and eat raw vegetables as a staple. I seem to be doing everything right but I just feel so sad.

Lastly the people in Southern California are really disappointing. I really want to be traveling to Europe and the Azores, and to explore northern Africa and really get into cultures where people are NOT American. I am so sick of Television, people needing too much and our indifference to our world and each other here in this country. I just want to get the hell out of here, at least for long enough to meet some people who are humans. Americans aren't bad, but we seem to be way WAY dysfunctional and most of us don't even know it. So that's why I'm depressed... what's a boy to do?

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Old 06-05-2012, 08:41 AM   #2
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Re: Keys to the cure are out of reach

Seems like your life has taken some unfortunate turns. Im sure you know the answers to your issues but what you should ask yourself is what you want to do within the next few months/years. If you want to travel, you need to take money out of your savings to start something where you can start making money. Once you get into making money, things change, usually for the better unless you work extremely hard for very little reward.
After all you have accomplished a lot which should make you happier now. Sure some mistakes were made but that is life, somewhere along people make big mistakes and have to live with them. Now you have identified them, you can move on I think and make a life that you will appreciate. Thanks

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