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  • My wife maybe depressed, need urgent help.

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    Old 07-20-2012, 09:59 AM   #1
    boragora's Avatar
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    Location: British Resident in Ecuador
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    My wife maybe depressed, need urgent help.

    Hi everyone,

    I feel like I'm in a bit of a mess and trying to calm myself down... unfortunately a long story so only read if you have the time

    I married a really nice girl from Ecuador back in 2005. My wife already had a daughter from a previous relationship and we settled well together. She came to live in England for seven months and became pregnant with my first daughter near Christmas 2006. Unfortunately, she was very ill with the pregnancy and spent most of Christmas and New Year in hospital. I took her back to Ecuador as she had a tough time with the food in England whilst pregnant and I ended up staying in England for six months. My daughter was born almost two months premature.... just two weeks after I moved to Ecuador. It was not a good start, medical problems, lack of money and no introduction to the country for me. I spent three years there until we got to a point during the financial crisis where money was not coming in.

    I ended up returning to England, leaving my wife and two children back in Ecuador as I couldn't get visas without funds. It was supposed to be for 6-12 months and turned into 2 years. My wife and I communicated daily on ***** Video and the kids were really missing me and my wife was desperate for me to come back. I am 100% sure that there was no romantic involvement with anybody else during this time. Anyway, I returned to Ecuador in April; my wife was very desperate to have me back and so were the kids.

    However, now I have returned my wife has been very cold with me. Sometimes she is really nice to me and other times very bad. Before I came back she was telling me she felt tired and fed-up every day and was struggling to have enthusiasm with the kids and with day to day things in general. Yesterday she has told me she doesn't feel she loves me anymore and she has only been tired and feeling low since I came back. She has also been very angry with the kids both before I was here and now. She feels she has no life, no friends and nobody to talk with and sometimes she feels I am to blame. We talked for a couple of hours yesterday. The situation is complicated as she would go to a doctor for advice but Ecuador in general doesn't recognise depression as an illness. Even if I take my part out of the equation she is still feeling very bad.

    When she has good times she seems to remember she has been bad with me but can't remember what it felt like at the time. When she is having a bad time she seems to thing that all the good times we've had in the last few weeks were her just trying to be good with me even though she felt bad.

    I have spoken to a marriage counsellor in England myself over the phone who was reluctant to be involved at this point because they were sure she has depression and it needs dealing with first. They said the chances are that my wife does feel love for me deep down but my return combined with depression has made her feel like I have infringed on her independence.

    My wife has said she doesn't want to feel the way she feels, empty and useless, and if it could save our marriage she would take medication but we have no doctors where we live to deal with it. If our marriage breaks apart it is going to be very difficult in other ways to the norm, as I am 6500 miles away from any family support I have, my work is a little unstable at the moment as I only just returned to Ecuador, I have no friends and family here and I would basically end up living on my own with no emotional support whatsoever. My wife is also worried for this and obviously put me on edge because she was thinking it through this far and it all just came out yesterday. My wife said if things did go wrong that I would still be able to visit my kids which has made me feel like I would just be left with nothing.

    Just as an extra detail that I couldn't fit in, she said she feels happier just her and the kids. Before I came back she felt at times like she wanted to be on her own and not even have the kids with her because they annoy her. The children are 9 and 5 (next week) years old. Oh... and though she doesn't really want to kiss me or have me hold her in the day she snuggles up close in bed and told me that feels comfortable to her. Oh..... and sorry.... she does get very bad around 10-7 days before her period and sometimes after her period she is really nice with me and apologises for being bad with me.... but the situation has not reached this point before.

    Sorry there is so much here. Kind of a lot happened yesterday and I'm sure I've missed some important detail that will change the best advice but at the moment I have told her that we will sort some medication out to help her feel better. I said that she doesn't need to kiss me or be nice to me because she feels she has to but if she feels comfortable in bed just being next to me that that's ok. If she was to take any medication in would not work straight away and that we might have to change it if she is not feeling better in anyway.

    So... [deep breath], I have scoured the net checking out the safety concerns of different medications. I have found Citalopram (Celexa) and St Johns Wort. I feel very uncertain about this kind of thing at all but we really have nowhere to go for advice and my wife won't use phone support. I took Citalopram for three years and felt much better with only side effects noticeable in the first 6 weeks. My wife once tried St Johns Wort for three months and said it had felt difficult to be angry with the kids (the original reason for taking it). The guidance counsellor in England had told me she needed a professional medical opinion but we can't get one and doctors seem to jump on the citalopram/fluoxetine bandwagon for everything.

    Can anybody provide any kind of advice for my situation or any advice on the medication. Really, thank you if you have taken the time to read all of this but I have nowhere else to turn to. My spanish is not good enough to deal with doctors here. Thanks again.

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    Old 07-26-2012, 06:46 PM   #2
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    travinda's Avatar
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    Location: north west
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    Re: My wife maybe depressed, need urgent help.

    Ihave read all of your post and your situation sounds awful. I really don't want to give advice on medication as I don't work with it myself, and feel that unless a doctor is prescribing it and overseeing it it may be quite risky.
    Can you not bring your wife and children back to England for a holiday? Holiday makers are treated here by the health service so I don't see why you couldn't see a doctor here where you have your family to support you and help with the kids? It's all i could come up with at the moment with out knowing that much about it all, someone on here may have another idea, it was just a thought
    good luck and keep strong

    Old 07-26-2012, 06:50 PM   #3
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    Re: My wife maybe depressed, need urgent help.

    It sounds like this may have started as post natal depression and has esculated. It may be worth looking into post natal depression with the doctors over there, they may recognise that more freely .

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    citalopram, depression, marriage, st johns wort

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