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  • Everything feels cold and alien - My heart and soul is on auto-pilot.

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    Old 07-25-2012, 12:47 AM   #1
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    EnigZac HB User
    Everything feels cold and alien - My heart and soul is on auto-pilot.

    Iíve always been a laid-back, easy going teenager. I have a solid interest in computing, gaming, and the arts. Iíve never been trouble for my family or teachers, and have mostly kept to a small circle of friends to which I am comfortable being around.

    However, lately, things have changed dramatically. I had a homosexual relationship back in March, which I hid from my friends and family quite well. This relationship ran itís natural course, and I guess this person was buried in the dust.

    Then there was the aftermath. I got quite sick about 2 months later, in my school holidays. I went to my doctor, who attributed symptoms of breathlessness, heart palpitations, and fatigue to my intentional weight loss (I lost 20 kg from following a low calorie diet). This was a warning sign, as my body fat percentage was down to 5% (and it should be at 11%). I curbed my calorie-obsessed ways, and started to eat what one would consider Ďnormalí foods. I thought nothing else about it, until about 1 week later, when I noticed swollen lymph nodes in my neck.

    I went into absolute panic. I thought I had HIV. I remember sitting alone in my room, rocking back and forth, ripping my hair out, biting my arm, and clawing my face. This seems like a pretty stupid thing to do, but hey, it was a terrifying situation.

    I was concerned, so I went to my Nan, Mum and Dad for help. I lied and told them my sexual encounter was of a heterosexual nature (I wasnít out to them and I had no intentions to be), and requested some testing. About a week later, I had a HIV test and everything was negative.

    I went back to normal. I still felt malaise (a general ill feeling) which I can attribute to my previous anxiety. This happy, normal period lasted about 4 weeks, and then it started again.

    I have always been a hypochondriac, and with the acquisition of 24/7 internet access (home, school, and phone in-between) Iíve been a mad Ďgooglechondriací. Last week, I found an article which mentioned that after a HIV infection, the glands usually swell around 1 month after. My glands were still swollen, and I went into another meltdown.

    I had another test, this time at the 3 and a half month mark, which is considered conclusive regarding HIV testing. Everything was negative. I should have been happy, but instead Iím in a state of darkness.

    Ever since my second panic mode, Iíve been noticing more glands, particularly on the back of my head. I keep fiddling with them, and yes, itís a vicious cycle: feel, google, cry. I am in a real state.

    And on top of this, Iím beginning to question reality. ďIs this all a dream?Ē ďWhoís dream is it?Ē ďWhy has the dream suddenly become noticeable?Ē This has left me in a feeling of Ďauto-pilotí. Iím there, but my heart and soul is distant. Itís off somewhere, and I want it back so much. I canít believe this has all taken place... Why?

    Iím currently seeing a phycologist, but Iím in the process of evaluation and the therapy wonít start for a while. Iím sitting here in my room, and everything seems so alien. My bed is cold, confronting, and upsetting. My memories are fading fast, and all hope of being better with them.

    Can someone please help me? Nothing makes sense. Forgive me for posting this in two different categories, but I was not sure which it would come under better.

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    Old 07-26-2012, 05:33 PM   #2
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    Re: Everything feels cold and alien - My heart and soul is on auto-pilot.

    Hello EnigZac
    I was reading your post and my heart goes out to you. You must feel awful having to go through that experience alone, It's very difficult when you can't tell anyone the whole story, it becomes so very isolating which I really understand that feeling.
    Patients are given counselling before and after hiv tests, did you not receive any counselling?
    let me put your mind at rest over the lmyph nodes.... it is often caused by stress, being run down and poor diet. As you have been suffering all 3 since your relationship it is more than likely that thats what has caused it, but you should still get it checked out by a doctor. It is very likely that they'll continue to swell and come up more as you are still stressed, run down and not a healthy weight, so its a vicious circle i'm afraid, but hopefully peace of mind will enable you to stop worrying and they will stop.
    Questioning reality often happens at times of great stress, some times it is actually better to let yourself question it and stay in your non real world for a while. I always recomend - if you reel something then just feel it, don't fight it or it won't go away. Just feel what you are feeling, experience it and it will pass.
    please don't worry as what you are going through is quite natural considering what you have been through.

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    anxiety, depression, hiv

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