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Shame and guilt.....


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Old 02-18-2014, 12:26 PM   #1
Over Load
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Location: Cape Town, South Africa
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Shame and guilt.....

For the past 8 years I have been receiving a monthly disability payment from an insurance agency. When you look at me though there is nothing wrong with me. My 'disability' is mental. Psychological. Major Depressive Disorder.

I (think I) know precisely what people think when they look at me. "So what are you on disability for? (aka What excuse do you have for expecting someone else to take care of you financially.) "Wow you are so lucky! I wish I could just sit at home and get a salary for free!" "You're a no good, no use leech who is just too lazy to get out there and get a job."

I have heard all these and many more from various people. My late father, who passed away 6 months ago, was one such. Most of my family feels the same way. And I guess often I do too.

I keep wondering about the process I had to follow to receive the monthly income. I was tested by various psychologists and occupational therapists. Some of the tests included sections that tested whether I was 'faking'. The tests were performed over a period of years to determine whether my disability was permanent. Every single test, however, confirmed my 'disability'.

I am confused, angry, frustrated. I am filled with shame and guilt. There are so many people with physical disabilities who do not even receive a quarter of the monthly income that I do. What right do I have to leech on society in this way?

I have tried so hard so many times to work. I fantasize about having a job and a normal life. Money is of course also a problem. I am a single mother. Frequently my daughter asks for or needs stuff that I simply cannot provide for her because I have a decreased income due to being on disability. I just don't know what to say to her. Whenever I do try to work, however, it just never works out.

There are times when I am ok, and times when I am a shaking, drooling idiot. And I chastise myself for overexaggerating. But even at the times when I am sort of ok I have tried to perform work duties and failed miserably. Not because I am incapable due to not having the knowledge, but due to anxiety attacks.

Is there anyone out there who can give insight into my situation and show me a way to either accept things as they are or change them? I would so much like to hear from you.... Thanks!

 
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