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So unbelievably lost ...


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Old 03-20-2016, 01:07 PM   #1
JosephInTheD
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So unbelievably lost ...

I'm a long-time (but not frequent) message board reader, for issues relating to physical health, but today I am posting for my first time for family/mental health issues. Didn't know if this problem belonged in the divorce section, or the "mental health - anxiety" section. Where do I begin?

In 2009 I met my wife in another state where we were both living and working. At the time she was living there on an expired visa (she's from Europe), living in some family's attic working as their nanny, with almost no money to her name. I was working as an engineer. She was eager to become a permanent resident, and I loved her, thinking she also loved me. We had a civil ceremony a year later. A year after that we had a formal wedding (church and reception). The love was real, but at the same time, we always had our differences.

I grew up in another state than the one we were both living in and had long-term plans of moving. Not only was all my family there, but the cost of living was significantly cheaper than where we both met. My wife had(has) no family in the United States, let alone in the state we were living in. The subject of moving was a common theme of our arguments (among many other things), but I had convinced her that the move to my home state was best for us; it made sense financially and for family reasons. Before we moved, she would scream and yell how she's not moving there with me unless she's 6 months pregnant. That didn't make sense to me one bit, but I think it had to do with her feeling secure about our relationship. To me it wasn't a rational thing to say.

In 2012 we moved to my home state where I took a fairly high paying and rewarding job. My wife came reluctantly, kicking and screaming, though I did everything in my power to make her life here as nice as possible. I helped her find work at both places of employment, including her current position as a part-time secretary at a hospital. We bought a beautiful house in a fantastic area, which we ultimately had to sell, because she insisted she enter into a vocational/school program that is costing us a lot of money. To give you a background on that, we looked at 50 houses before she would agree to one. It was frustrating looking for a home with her - she grew up with almost nothing, yet suddenly nothing was good enough for her.

She also got her permanent resident status and is on her way to becoming a citizen.

Throughout the course of the last four years (and before that while living where we met), life with her has been difficult, but I always kept at it. I believe she tried too, but she it's clear to me now she has bigger (mental health) issues to deal with. In April 2011 we had our first child (daughter). We continued to fight and argue often. We've always had communication issues, but I've never wronged her. We saw a psychologist/marriage counselor. The psychiatrist said that my wife has some of the worst anxiety he's ever come across and recommended she go on medication, which she refused to. My wife has extreme anxiety. She refuses to live in a house with the #4. I call her out on it, how that is some Asian superstition (unlucky number), because she's not Asian. I truly believe in my heart she has some form of bipolar disorder, though she hasn't formally gone to get a diagnosis. She is afraid of everything and also doesn't trust doctors or vaccines. When we had our daughter she didn't want her vaccinated. One time I took my daughter to get her vaccinated without consulting with my wife, and she threatened to divorce me then. We got past it. I'm just scratching the surface, but the point I'm trying to get across is that life has been very rough. To top it off, I have worked 1,000 hours of overtime every year the last three years at work, trying my best to provide for our family. We've sold our house and are now living an apartment.

I mentioned I believe my wife is bipolar. When she's up, I catch a glimpse of hope and believe she's changed. Many times we would wake up on what should be a bright and beautiful day, and the first words out of her mouth in the morning are fighting words. Then at times she'd say things like "I want 3 kids". I'd ask her "shouldn't we work on ourselves first before we have more children?" I reluctantly pursued having a second child with her. She is now 8-9 weeks pregnant. I was happy when we found out, though after an argument we had last week, she has sworn that she is going to a divorce lawyer. This is the longest she's gone without talking to me, and all efforts of me to try to resolve the situation are unsuccessful. I really believe she's gone "off the deep end". Talking to her is impossible, she's not saying logical or rational things, and it sounds like she has resentment for every bone in my body. If anything, I should be the one who is resentful, I've done everything for her; paid for our wedding, have sent thousands of dollars to her parents in her home country, paid her school, her braces, found her jobs, done her schoolwork, taken her on vacations, paid for her parents tickets to come and live with us for months, was emotional support for her during her family's problems, among many other things a husband does..... the list goes on and on. By no means am I perfect, it takes two to argue, and I've admitted that. The problem is she has never admitted to being even partly at fault for our arguments.

I am sorry for the long-winded message. In short, I am beyond a loss for words. My wife is pregnant with our second child and she wants a divorce. Her income doesn't even pay for her expenses and now she's ready to take as much as possible from me, which for me is my daughter and my unborn second child. In my perfect world, she would change who she is, and we would be better together.

Her divorce talk is real and has an appointment with a lawyer this week. She's being so irrational and impulsive. 9 weeks pregnant and wants a divorce. I would understand if I was a drug abuser, a cheater, or abused her, but I'm far from any of those things.

Where do I go from here? I have started seeing a psychiatrist recently, before her divorce talk, to help me cope with her and our marriage.

Last edited by JosephInTheD; 03-20-2016 at 01:08 PM.

 
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Old 04-03-2016, 07:17 PM   #2
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Re: So unbelievably lost...

Being pregnant and having kids can do a number on a woman's sanity. Try to be supportive and tell her it's not wise in her condition to make decisions that would change your lives. Try to get her to wait until the baby is born because it will just be harder to go through a separation while she's pregnant. It does sound like she has some kind of mental problems, but it could be hormonal. I remember feeling repulsed by my husband when I was pregnant. Would she go with you to couples counseling? Did she have postpartum depression after having your first child? Does she get enough rest? Lack of sleep can also cause strange behavior. Easier said than done but try not to take it personally. She obviously has issues.

 
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Old 04-04-2016, 08:01 AM   #3
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Re: So unbelievably lost...

I'm sorry you're going thru this.....I have to wonder if your wife was using you all along.....as a means to an end.....
I would talk to a lawyer myself if I were you. It sounds like she's planning on taking you to the cleaners.
I myself was married to a bi-polar man who refused to acknowledge it or get on meds to improve it. It didn't end well......

 
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Old 04-13-2016, 11:24 AM   #4
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Re: So unbelievably lost...

Don't sign the divorce papers. sounds like she has mental issues and wants everything you have. She married you to stay in the country only. She wants children to get child support out of you. She wants a divorce so she can get alimony and anything else she can take from you. She made you sell your house because she did not want to get stuck with the payments and up keep when you do not live there anymore. I have seen this scam from many of women. Just go to a homeless shelter, you will find men with the exact same story. They have lost everything. There home, job, car, the clothes of their back all over a woman's greed. Don't sign on the line.

 
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Old 06-04-2016, 02:51 AM   #5
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Re: So unbelievably lost...

My wife has not filed for divorce yet, she keeps going back and forth, but what she has done is completely alienate me. I am a stranger to her. She won't look at me, speak to me, nothing. I am living with a stranger. Should I proceed with filing divorce?

 
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Old 06-04-2016, 08:15 AM   #6
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Re: So unbelievably lost...

Quote:
Originally Posted by JosephInTheD View Post
My wife has not filed for divorce yet, she keeps going back and forth, but what she has done is completely alienate me. I am a stranger to her. She won't look at me, speak to me, nothing. I am living with a stranger. Should I proceed with filing divorce?

 
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Old 06-04-2016, 08:20 AM   #7
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Re: So unbelievably lost...

I would at least move out. For me, being around negative people just makes me live a negative life. Living with someone who is not treating me well is not an option for me anymore. I wish you well.

 
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Old 12-10-2016, 06:31 PM   #8
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Re: So unbelievably lost ...

I filed for divorce. It's been years of psychological abuse I can't describe. You would not think that a male breadwinner could be the victim of abuse in a relationship, but you can be if you allow yourself to be.

I'm depressed knowing I won't be seeing my kids as much as I want to. On top of that, the cost of the divorce, child support and alimony will bleed me dry. Life was not supposed to be like this.

 
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Old 12-11-2016, 03:55 PM   #9
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Re: So unbelievably lost ...

It certainly does sound like your wife is bi-polar or something like it. Of course when a woman is pregnant it can make the disorder worse. If she refuses to get better, and refuses to take meds, then there isn't much you can do. You could have the children taken from her stating that she is unstable if you are afraid that she will harm her children. I don't know how she acts with her children. I have 2 friends with this disorder, 1 has a stepchild and the other has 1 child. Both have managed to control their disorder around their children because they don't want to harm them, although sometimes they yell at them. The most important thing is, of course, the children. The children must always be protected. If you do plan on getting custody, don't show your hand till the last minute. Possibly your family could help out also with the children.
I don't know how likely she is to want to go back to her country and take the children with her. It is sad that you two had children that will now have to suffer because of all this.
If she is vindictive, she could possibly withhold the children from you till you do what she wants. You are in a hard situation but not an impossible one. It could be helpful to talk to family, counselors and a lawyer. They may give you conflicting answers but you can listen to everything, and decide what you want to do.
I wish you the best in your life, you can still make it a good one. I know its early days yet, but I hope you can find a better wife, maybe one that can help step-parent your children. And hopefully a wife that loves you for you, and not for what she can get from you.

 
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Old 01-01-2017, 08:10 PM   #10
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Re: So unbelievably lost ...

So sorry to hear about this. She definitely sounds like she has mental problems. The first red flag I noticed is that you continued to insist that she move to your home state. Why? I don't understand why you would insist that she move with you if you two couldn't come to that agreement. I'm not saying you are at fault, because right now, it seems that she has issues. Maybe she does resent you for making her leave? Even if the decision seemed like a good idea for the both of you, she may not have thought so. Though, I think it was best that you filed for divorce. Her silent treatment is childish and ridiculous.

 
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