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looking for advice for separation


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Old 04-25-2016, 03:03 PM   #1
halo29
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looking for advice for separation

9 months ago, I had planned to leave my husband of 5 years. I had rented an apt, and was ready to walk out (not so sure if I was emotionally ready though). When it came close to the start date of my lease, I told him that I was leaving. He was floored, he said he had always loved me, he begged me to stay, and said he just needed some time to get ready and then HE would be leaving if I wanted him to, so I could stay in our current home,... . Fast forward to the present, that period he requested is now over and I've been preparing to go. This time I didn't bring it up at all, I thought I would rent my place, and crawl out and leave him a note.

I don't know how on earth he texted me today and said he was thinking the time he asked me to stay is over, just checking in that we are good! and I won't be leaving!! What?! I don't really know how it occurred to him, maybe because I was putting things away during the weekend. I don't know and I don't care. What I do care is we are back to square one. Again he's asking for another few months, saying that he will finish his studies and then he'll be okay with every decision I make.

I'm sure I'm not buying this trick any more. But I'm scared to death, I have no savings (I had some back in 9 months, but we had to spend it all!), no family and absolutely no friends. I make just enough for the rent and a little more.

I was hoping I get some support here. My therapist always ensures me that I'm doing the right thing. But I'm still fearful. It's like not wanting to stay and being scared to let go. Any one being in the same situation before? Do you call what he's doing emotional abuse?

 
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Old 08-30-2016, 08:06 AM   #2
YaYagirl
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Re: looking for advice for separation

Dear Halo,

First of all, a good counselor counselor should not be encouraging you to leave or to stay unless your life is truly in danger. Is it?

This is your life and your decisions will impact the rest of your life. I don't know why you are planning to leave. If you are unhappy get yourself together and begin doing things that interest you. Too many times people think someone other than ourselves can make us happy. We need to take care of ourselves, married or not. We need to make ourselves contented and happy. No one outside of ourselves can do that for us.

However, is your husband using you to get his own needs in order, and when he gets the money saved and finds a place to live will he be the one that walks off? You know him. Is he a user or a giver?

One thing I know, is if you don't face whatever is the reality, you could be unprepared and not have the money you need or any where to live.

Your preparations need to be your preparations. Your savings cannot be dipped in to for anything else at all but leaving, if you do plan to leave. You are not really leaving when you are sneaking around, spending your money on his needs, and have no place to go or money with which to do it. Believe me. We need to take care of our own needs, or we are useless to ourselves and others.

You need to make up your own mind what to do and stop letting something another person says throw you off track. Stay if you want to...but he isn't the one creating your doubts and fears.

You need to deal with yourself, something inside of you is making you wishy-washy. It's possible that you need to stay with a relative or get a roommate first, so the whole financial load isn't on you when you walk out. But you do need to deal with your fears about being alone and take responsibility for yourself.

Leaving a spouse is a drastic, and forever life-changing move. So is being abandoned, and you can be the one abandoned if you don't bring your issues into the light and have realistic talks with yourself about this. From what you stated he seems like just a normal guy and you think there is something 'better' out there. What is really going on that you think about leaving?

Love,
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~ Ya Ya ~

Last edited by YaYagirl; 08-30-2016 at 08:12 AM.

 
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