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Divorce after 25 yrs


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Old 11-03-2016, 05:47 AM   #1
mom2C&J
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Divorce after 25 yrs

Hi, I'm just curious & would like opinions. After 25yrs of marriage, 2 grown kids, & misery for about 5-6yrs.. I'm considering leaving. He's been a good partner as far as providing for us. About 6yrs ago he had an affair w my best friend & we've never really recovered. I don't know if we could at this point. I've made mistakes too & admit that.. We'd separated about 15yrs ago & I became involved with another man.. at the time my husband was basically non existent staying gone all the time with buddies while I was raising kids. To me, it's different.. not "right", but totally different than an affair with my bff who was like a sister (or so I thought).
It's just so hard to walk away & give up on the life we've built. I know he's a little too friendly at work with the ladies & even has texted one on off days, as well as regular & lengthy phone calls. I'm sure it sounds ridiculous to even question this, but I dread throwing in the towel on 25yrs. Any advice?? I feel others input & ideas might help. Thanks.

 
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Old 11-03-2016, 12:14 PM   #2
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Re: Divorce after 25 yrs

Have you tried counseling together? Its probably a last resort, but maybe you need to do this before throwing in the towel, just so you can say you tried everything.
My best friend just got divorced after 26 years of marriage. They were married at age 19 , raised 2 kids and lived separate lives for almost twenty years. She went through the same feelings.
My own parents divorced after 19 years of marriage, in their case, it was the best thing to ever happen. Both my parents met their current spouses well into their 50s and have now been married again for more than 30 years.
Sometimes when we are young, we just simply outgrow each other or get married for the wrong reasons. Im sure you dont regret it completely, or you wouldnt have your kids...but in fairness to yourself, you need to talk openly with him about what you are thinking and suggest that you go together to counseling to see if it can be saved....at least then, you will have tried everything to make it work.
Good luck!
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Old 11-03-2016, 05:47 PM   #3
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Re: Divorce after 25 yrs

I definitely agree that counseling would be really helpful. Even if you do separate, the counselling will help you to deal with this and enable you to move on with minimal baggage. No down side. Good luck, Sera

 
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Old 11-04-2016, 06:58 AM   #4
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Re: Divorce after 25 yrs

Thanks for the reply. Counseling isn't an option, as he is totally opposed. I can't do it on my own & have tried all I know. It's taking such a toll on me. We'd gotten to where we argued badly, about 3-4 days a wk.. until recently, when I've just become so detached bc I'm tired of fighting & tired of being hurt. I definitely know that I've given my all, but regardless, I still hate to take the step. I know it's gonna hurt & be hard no matter how much I've tried.
There's many things that bring questions as to what he's doing at work. There's even been texts saying "send me a picture"... & "I'm bored".. when we are both home & he's clearly not bored. The thing is, he's overly friendly & wants to please. But how far will that go or how far has it gone?? He's a pouter & blames anything he does on someone else. For example, when the texts at 8pm saying he's bored, were mentioned... he turns it to me...& says you're not perfect you've done things too, do you really wanna go there??
To me thats a low blow. I have never.... Like I said, I did what I did years ago when we were to be divorced soon. It's not right I know, but to me is a big difference than that & talking to multiple other people like they're part of you. I know he turns it to me, only to redirect the blame. And it works bc then I feel like I've been punched in the gut & just don't bring it back up. I'm so lost right now & don't know a way to straighten life up.

 
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Old 11-04-2016, 07:27 AM   #5
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Re: Divorce after 25 yrs

you don't need this.....he's obviously manipulative and less than truthful. Yes it's hard to break old habits, but do you really want to live the rest of your life like this.....think about it.

 
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Old 11-04-2016, 08:19 AM   #6
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Re: Divorce after 25 yrs

Doesn't sound like a nice loving relationship can be had with him.

Best of luck to you.

 
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Old 11-04-2016, 10:17 AM   #7
mom2C&J
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Re: Divorce after 25 yrs

Thank y'all so much! It sometimes just feels good to hear that my thoughts & feelings are valid. I hope to pick myself up & do what I need to do; soon. I dread it terribly & am pretty beat down & feeling low. Life can be so hard. Thanks again for all the advice.

 
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Old 11-05-2016, 10:13 AM   #8
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Re: Divorce after 25 yrs

Counselling for you only.....not including him at all. Maybe even take some classes on meditation or something that can help direct your thoughts into recognising how you respond.


You need it to move forward and to work through all the bs, regain self confidence and independence.
Life is hard and we can lose ourselves in the struggle. He's obviously not going to be what you need in the struggle of YOUR life. You have one go around....it's yours and what you make of it.
You have the good sense to leave....go from there. Get good financial, legal and emotional advice and support.

I don't know of many women who have finally succeeded in the split and say they regretted it in exchange for an abusive relationship.

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