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Confused and hurting


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Old 03-14-2017, 05:48 PM   #1
mtstorm
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Unhappy Confused and hurting

I am new here, I guess I am looking for somewhere to get advice and try to get out these emotions.

5 days ago my husband of 12 years threw me out of our house. We got into an argument over how he was going to pay back $2400 he lost while gambling on a guys vacation. He got so angry he litterly beat a door, frame, and the molding off the wall. Than he stood inches from my face, screaming, beat red faced for me to get out until I started packing to leave then he calmed down and said "sorry". When I began packing my dog's stuff he began screaming again that I wasn't taking the dog, when I didn't back down he said, "say good bye to your job" as we both work at the same company.

Over the last 12 years we have been to 4 marriage counselors and he completed 4 weeks of a 6 week Anger Management program. In the first 8 years of our marriage he would physically attack me about once a year or so (which is why I have refused to have kids). The last 4 he has taken to breaking things or kicking me out of the car and leaving me, instead of touching me.

I have been planning on getting out for years, but never seem to be able to do it. I have continued going to our counselor even after he began to refuse to go.

Since he kicked me out I have been sleeping in my grandmother's living room. Swirling through emotions: Anger, weeping, happy, depressed...

I so desperately want to fix things to go back to my norm, but I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. I am a mixed up mess of emotions. I know in my head the relationship is bad and this is my chance to get out for good. But my heart wants to fix things to make this pain go away.

I think I could lesson these feelings some, if I could get a place of my own, but it has only been 5 days. My family is great and doing their best to to support and comfort me, but I feel like a mooch and smothered at the same time. I just want to run away.

My husband is my first everything boyfriend, kiss, lover.. everything. I have never broken up with anyone before, I am so confused on how to deal with these emotions and move forward. I see our counselor in a couple days, hopefully she can help me get my head on straight.

He hasn't contacted me since the fight, except to ask me a work question via email. I stopped at the house when he wasn't there to get more of my stuff, he fixed the door, frame, molding and I saw he had stocked the fridge with food only I would normally eat. I wonder if he was expecting me to come back.. He has never asked me to leave before during a fight.

 
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Old 03-14-2017, 06:15 PM   #2
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Re: Confused and hurting

Hi there. Wow! That is quite a story. I think its normal to be feeling all the emotions you are feeling right now. Who wouldnt be going through all the things you are feeling?

I have a philosophy which has always served me well....when you dont know what to do, do nothing. Making a rash decision or an emotional one is never the right answer. Time will help you sort things out and believe it or not, going to see your therapist in a few days is a great plan! She knows your history and knows him...and she can help you make sense of what you are feeling.

In the meantime, stay at your grandmothers. You are safe, you have a roof over your head and you have support. Sounds like a great place to be. Many women leave abusive relationships with much less.

I know you are really hurting right now and you have every right to be...but in a few more days you might see things differently. Give yourself a few weeks and a few therapy sessions to straighten out your emotions. You will be in a much better place once you get your mind alittle clearer.
Avoid him at work and do not engage in discussions or fights...tell him if he wants to communicate with you to meet you at the therapists office. The ball is really in your hands at this point, which is a good place to be!!!

Please keep us informed and let us know how you are...and good luck to you.
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Old 03-15-2017, 09:02 AM   #3
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Re: Confused and hurting

He just emailed me at work.

"Do you want me to cancel the sirius for the car? Also do you want to pick up the dog food? I will also purchase a new external and transfer my stuff on it so you can have that"

Not sure if or how to respond.

 
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Old 03-15-2017, 09:58 AM   #4
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Re: Confused and hurting

I wouldn't respond....start planning the rest of your life without him. He is abusive and explosive and manipulative. You knew enough not to have kids with him, now know enough to get away from him......
permanently....

 
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Old 03-15-2017, 12:08 PM   #5
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Re: Confused and hurting

I would not respond either...but I would keep a screen shot of any correspondence from him. Text, email or whatever. You will probably need it if you wind up seeing an attorney or going to court,

Marital assets need to be properly divided- and him deciding to cancel a subscription to Sirius, without you agreeing to it, is one of those things which will not sit well with a judge. Dont reply.
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Old 03-15-2017, 12:31 PM   #6
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Re: Confused and hurting

who cares if he cancels the Sirius radio on the car? really?
that was just an excuse to contact you.....and asking if he should buy food for the dog? who has the dog? if he has the dog and the dog is out of food, obviously he needs to buy food......he's really stretching here for an excuse.....
don't bite

 
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Old 03-15-2017, 12:34 PM   #7
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Re: Confused and hurting

I wouldn't talk to him or see him.

You've put up with way too much of his anger.

Best of luck to you.

 
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Old 03-15-2017, 01:59 PM   #8
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Re: Confused and hurting

I have the dog. When I loaded her in the car I went back for her food (and other stuff) and he stood and held the bolt lock closed so I couldn't get back in. So I bought her another bag of food, it's been 6 days of course I bought her food by now.

We had been talking about canceling the XM radio for months. I was thinking about messaging him to make sure to cancel it, but didn't want to contact him and open up a chaos storm.

I am not going to reply until after my counseling appointment tomorrow. Luckily he emailed me at work and I can't access it from home, so I won't be able to have a lapse in judgement late at night and message him.

On the way home from work a song came on and I started thinking about him again. I think he is like a human version of meth to me.

 
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Old 03-15-2017, 02:15 PM   #9
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Re: Confused and hurting

you can break that habit and live a healthier life......
he is like meth, he's toxic and he's poison

 
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Old 03-16-2017, 01:00 PM   #10
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Re: Confused and hurting

I saw my counselor this afternoon. We agreed I should not talk with him for at least 3 more weeks and not think of moving back in (if that is what I choose) for 3-6 months. She said I should have a better and more logical understanding of the situation and will be able to make a healthier, non-emotional, choice for myself with time away from him. We set up weekly meetings for the next couple weeks. She recommended I email him with boundaries, and if he chooses to ignore those that is just one more thing I will need to consider about our relationship. She said at this time even his voice, talking on the phone, is probably more than I can emotionally handle.

He emailed me this morning asking not to be ignored, saying we need to talk about funds, and offering to meet in a public place to talk.

I sent him the email below.

"I am not ignoring you, I am receiving your communications. Yes, I agree to cancel the Sirius XM radio per your earlier email. I already purchased dog food, so there is no need at this time for me to pick it up.

I have arranged for half the mortgage and half the car payment to be deposited into the primary checking.

I am not ready to talk. I need time to process what has happened. At this time please limit communications to essential immediate joint bills or house issues."

 
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Old 03-16-2017, 01:10 PM   #11
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Re: Confused and hurting

good for you......I think you are surprising him, he didn't expect this.....I think he expected you to come crawling back.....
stay strong!

 
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Old 03-20-2017, 07:53 AM   #12
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Re: Confused and hurting

I have convinced myself that we will not be getting back together, I just need to stay strong. I keep reminding myself that he dumped me, when he threw me out of the house, it actually makes me feel better - I can't second guess myself because he made the decision for us. He hasn't contacted me since I emailed him not to.

I thought I was doing a lot better. I haven't cried in several days. Then minutes ago we saw each other in a hallway at work and were probably 30 feet from one another. OMG my chest immediately started hurting, still does. I am most definitely still angry and in no condition to see him much less talk to him.

Oh well, at least I am not crying.

 
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Old 03-22-2017, 06:49 PM   #13
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Re: Confused and hurting

I just received a fwd email from him by my MIL with the message "just in case you cared". It talks about his father, my FIL, just getting out of hip replacement surgery. He can barely stand, but seems to be doing as well as can be expected.

I do care, I like his family. This isn't making things easier.

Plus, I found out this afternoon that he hasn't been to work since Monday (taking vacation). Not sure if it had anything to do with us seeing each other at work on Monday or if he is helping with FIL. I know he hadn't previously expected to be taking the time off. He hasn't told anyone about us separating and not talking, not even his best friend or family.

On a positive note my brother's wife out of the blue asked me to go on a mini vacation (long weekend) with her. She says she never gets to go anywhere since having my niece and wants to go somewhere and do something. My brother travels for work, so he always tells us about his stories/shows us pictures of the new and exotic places he visits, we are both a little jealous . I am always up for trips, so we got it all booked and in a month we will be touring a new city (museums, mansions, gardens, parks, ...)

 
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Old 03-23-2017, 10:47 AM   #14
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Re: Confused and hurting

It sounds like you have been doing everything right. Even if he doesn't want counseling, you still go. Even though he had you leave, you didn't go back to him.. Your standing your ground. Planning a trip with a friend. Take this time and find out what you really want. Anger is tough- I wouldn't want to walk an eggshells wondering what would set him off. Best of luck

 
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Old 03-25-2017, 09:04 AM   #15
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Re: Confused and hurting

I received a text from him this morning, "when do you want to get together and talk".

It has been 16 days since he kicked me out.

He emailed me twice in the first 5 days, 9 days ago I requested he not contact me, and limit communications to essential immediate bills and house issues. Since then he emailed me about his father and now texted me about talking.

What is he thinking?

I am not sure I can talk with him without getting upset. I would prefer to wait until I can talk without a chance of having an argument. My counselor said to wait a month from the incident which puts us out another 12 days from now.

I am not sure how to express this to him via text or email. I am upset he can't seem to leave me alone.

 
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