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  • Give me a reason to not divorce

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    Old 06-13-2017, 11:11 PM   #1
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    Give me a reason to not divorce

    We've been married 30 years. My wife and I are VERY different. We have three kids and had the occasional great romp in the sack. But my youngest just graduated, we rarely have sex anymore, and the truth is, I'd rather not anyway. She's become a dead lay, and somehow we're still strangers drifting apart with every passing day. I mentioned the divorce word two weeks ago, and she rejected the bait.

    I love her only because 30 years is a long time. She's actually a wonderful woman and good person. I don't enjoy her company, our viewpoints always seem to differ. I'm very serious, we're not the same.

    I'm 55 & retired, because I plan. She never has a plan. Not so much as a picture on the wall. She can't retire until she's 62, which is 8 years from now.

    I save what I can, for just in case and of course our children. She hasn't saved a cent. 10% of her money goes to the church, and she doesn't have the motivation to move up the ladder. She works State employment, thus all that's required is motivation. The kicker is, she's honest, reliable and friendly. Go figure.

    We have great equity in the home ("plan"), which came out of my pocket. Regardless, she gets half. It's a lot of money. I'm not rich, but I can do it. She'd have enough for 70% equity in a nice moderate home. Me, I think I'll bite the bullet and stay, and mortgage the house all over again like it's 2001 again Only lower interest rates...HA!.....

    I'm healthy, look young, still want to fall in love, definitely sex capable, still want a friend etc. My wife isn't it.

    So tell me, why should I remain married? We're going on our annual camp trip in two weeks, it's always a nice time. That said, after the trip, I think I'll do what I should have done 20 years ago.

    I've already told you people more than I've told anyone.

    Last edited by TonyDude; 06-13-2017 at 11:14 PM.

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    Old 06-14-2017, 12:33 AM   #2
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    Re: Give me a reason to not divorce

    Well one reason to not divorce is I assume you stood before a priest or pastor and pledged your love to one another and to God "in sickness and in health, in good times and bad times, til death do us part". That is me though, loyal to the end. Does she have any idea? There is always marriage/sex therapy, alot of couples come out even better than before. Is she going through or has she been through menopause? I am currently and certain symptoms are absolutely miserable. You sound like you have a strong personality and strong people don't quit do they? Unless you have tried counseling I urge you to stay with the woman that you pledged your love to. Just my thoughts on it and I do wish you well in whatever you decide.


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    Old 06-14-2017, 02:48 AM   #3
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    Re: Give me a reason to not divorce

    Have you tried asking her if she is happy? Or, what she wants?
    Your post sounds a bit selfish to me...its all about you and yet you do not mention anything about her. Did she stay home and raise your children while you worked? Did she also work? Was she a great mother? Did she sacrifice anything to raise your children or support your career?

    There is a whole lot more to a marriage than just wanting things from the same view point. My H and I challenge each other because I am the intelligent one, but he is the brawn and has "guy" hobbies which I want nothing to do with. We find common ground though...we spend at least one day each weekend together doing something new. Whether it is going somewhere he wants to go, or walking in the woods and talking, or even a road trip to the shore, we spend a day together to keep our marriage alive.

    Maybe, before you give up, you should try harder to find a reason to stay with her. After all, 30 years is allot of years to give up on.
    RRMS- dx 05

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    Old 06-14-2017, 05:53 AM   #4
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    Re: Give me a reason to not divorce

    It is your life and you can do what you want. I think before you do anything, you should share your feeling with your wife of 30 years. She seems like a good person and may not even realize that you are so unhappy. She may be unhappy too but divorce is a very serious step. If she was cheating on you or gambling away your home and savings then maybe. A lot of time people believe that grass is greener on the other side, don't believe it. This could be a very good time for you and your wife because the kids are grown and you are retired. It may get better when your wife retires too. Maybe she can take an early retirement too but the best advice I can give is to talk to her. You might be surprised but let her know that you are serious. It is a sad situation.

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    Old 06-14-2017, 08:30 AM   #5
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    Re: Give me a reason to not divorce

    Dear TonyDude,

    My first marriage was to a young man that was always looking for excitement elsewhere and was completely incapable of being faithful. (He even asked me to forgive him for it, many years later.) I did finally gave up on him because he kept leaving. I've since been married 36 years to a musician. I am an artist. The combo was not easy, because two are not ever the same person, and marriage requires growing up and looking out for the interests of another not just ourselves. We are as different as day and night. We stayed together because we both value loyalty and honesty. Not because it was 'easy'.

    From my own relationship and observing others I think now that we choose someone unlike us because we are not truly balanced in ourselves. However, getting balanced doesn't require throwing away the other person. It requires getting involved with what pleases the other person. Relationships have to be nurtured to become and stay alive, and I wonder, what you have done to nurture your relationship with your wife?

    Before you take off, shouldn't you learn what got you in this place? believe me she did not make this happen by herself. No, it wasn't because she needed to be more like you. Making money does not build closeness or create a relationship. Do you know how to please your lady? Did you ever please your lady? have you ever asked her what she wants for herself or have you just told her what she should do? Or, did you think it and look down on her? I don't know you, I'm just sharing my thoughts with you. Do you know her favorite colors or flowers or food? Do you ever surprise her with gifts she likes? Do you take her somewhere to show her something or to get food that delights her? Or did you just do your own thing, look down on her preferences and neglect her?

    I think she needs to be more of who she really is in her heart. A husband can bring that out of his wife. But he has to spend time with her and choose to be interested in who she is and what delights her. A man needs to grow up and be the man. The wife cannot make him a man. He has to do that for himself. If you don't know how to be manly to your wife, you can learn. It isn't by being a financial whiz. A lover does not please his lover by pleasing himself. Does that make sense? To get back, we have to give.

    My husband likes loud music, I like silence. I'm very visual. I like to think about things and share thoughts. He escapes into music, he can actually hide in music. It makes him feel alive. I do my art alone and don't want interrupted. We have a family so that took our energy away from our personal pastimes and it wasn't long before we saw that we could not just be ourselves and deal with our own desires. It was not easy to blend, but we worked on it.

    We both found out that we were not as giving as we thought, and we had to face some facts about ourselves. We learned that we had to put others first. Which is not the normal human condition. It's so easy to know what we want for ourselves. But we have to take an interest and learn what pleases the other. We had to choose to do that or fall apart and have another broken relationship. It's a choice.

    You are considering to throw away a person as if she is only worth disdain. Wiping your feet on her says something about you, not about her. You can make her feel even less of a person of value, or you can elevate her by lifting her up in your own heart and mind. What you think of her is about you and your own choices. I hope she never has to learn how much her own husband disdained her.

    Now the kids are on their own and we seldom see them. We had to actually look for interests that both of us can enjoy together. We found common ground. He still plays music with his musician friends. He loves it. I chose gardening to express my love of color and design. He enjoys how I express my art in the landscaping. We don't waste time longing for someone 'better'. There is different, but money cannot buy better. We alone make things better where we are at, or things remain empty and boring. That is where you are at isn't it?

    Then get involved with your woman that was faithful to you while you made your fortune and nurture the relationship; please her and see how much it fulfills and pleases you.

    You will feel like the big man when you act like the big man.

    Let me explain, you are a man and she is a woman. What you are experiencing is common, not unusual at all. We get from relationships exactly what we put into them. So please think about that for awhile...what did you pour into your marriage?

    We can buy someone that will pretend just about anything in order to take from us. Think carefully before you move away. Is this who you really are? Is that what you really want? I suspect you are a bigger man than this and that you just got discouraged and began lusting after what it seems others have without considering what giving it took to get them there.

    Let me know how you are doing, OK? I don't think you are really a bad man, just a lazy lover.

    PS, one more thing...yes you were the major bread winner, which is fine of you, but you have no clue what giving birth and raising children saps out of a woman and how thankless it is. Your wife gave you your family by pouring herself into it. You could not have your family without her. I sure hope that you consider meeting her needs and pouring some of yourself back into her.

    ~ YaYa ~

    Last edited by yayagirl; 06-14-2017 at 08:44 AM.

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    Old 06-14-2017, 10:26 AM   #6
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    Re: Give me a reason to not divorce

    You summed it up with "dead lay".....a divorce would be in her favour more than yours.

    It's all a matter of perspective!
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