It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Divorce & Separation Message Board

Better off alone?


Post New Thread   Reply Reply
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 08-08-2017, 08:52 PM   #1
Jbelder825
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 3
Jbelder825 HB User
Better off alone?

I've been married to my husband for 12 years. We love each other. I know he loves me. There is an ongoing problem though and I'm at my wits end. I always knew my husband was into porn, but I never knew the extent of his addiction until we got married. I mean, he has clearly studied it and made it a hobby to know the "who's who" and even wants to know stuff about their personally lives. It goes even farther though. He responds to provocative personal ads, posts them, and takes pictures of women in public ( especially focusing on a certain body part). He says he just gets off on this stuff but it really bothers me. Lately I've suppressed my voice on this issue. I just get tired of arguing about it. Deep down though it really hurts me to the point that I just don't want to be a part of anything anymore. I have my own problems with self esteem already and this just makes it worse. I know that ultimately no one can tell me what to do. When you've tried therapy though and it keeps going on, how much more should you have to endure? I appreciate anyone's insight on this.

 
Reply With Quote
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 08-09-2017, 04:18 AM   #2
MSNik
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 11,462
MSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB User
Re: Better off alone?

You mentioned that you have tried therapy. Have you tried it with him?
This is HIS problem- not yours. You have every right to feel the way you do.

Throwing away 12 years of marriage isnt easy though. Unless he is willing to acknowledge that he is about to lose his marriage over this and doesnt care- isnt it worth the two of you trying marriage counseling?

If you have already tried it together and there is still no change in his behavior, then he is already telling you- by showing you- where his priorities lay.

I would not live like this either....but before I walked away, I would be trying to get him to agree to counseling and see if it works. Good luck!
__________________
RRMS- dx 05

 
Reply With Quote
Old 08-09-2017, 09:14 AM   #3
rosequartz
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
rosequartz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Chicago,IL
Posts: 11,158
rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
Re: Better off alone?

I have a different opinion, as I have dealt with this in the past and it has had some affect on me, scarred me perhaps, if that's the right word.....

I wouldn't bother with counseling, I'd toss him out and let him enjoy his porn if it's that darn important to him.

To keep rehashing this with him and even thru counseling, I think nothing will change except he will learn to hide it better.

Men like this don't change, and you shouldn't have to tolerate it.
Toss him out like a soiled skin magazine

 
Reply With Quote
Old 08-09-2017, 01:11 PM   #4
Dragonfly Wings
Senior Veteran
 
Dragonfly Wings's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 545
Dragonfly Wings HB UserDragonfly Wings HB UserDragonfly Wings HB UserDragonfly Wings HB UserDragonfly Wings HB UserDragonfly Wings HB UserDragonfly Wings HB UserDragonfly Wings HB User
Re: Better off alone?

Hugs!

Honestly, you have put in enough time, effort, blood, sweat and tears into this. Nothing is going to change, and you deserve your own happiness where you feel loved and respected as a whole.

Your husband has a problem, one not likely to go away, and what he is doing with taking photos of strangers is illegal and extremely creepy.

I wish you all the best whichever you decide,
DW.

 
Reply With Quote
Old 08-09-2017, 08:18 PM   #5
Jbelder825
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 3
Jbelder825 HB User
Re: Better off alone?

Thank you all for your insight and perspective. I don't want to hurt him and I know it will if I leave, but I also know I can't keep doing this either. It may very well be time to move on.

 
Reply With Quote
Old 08-10-2017, 06:43 AM   #6
rosequartz
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
rosequartz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Chicago,IL
Posts: 11,158
rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
Re: Better off alone?

does he know/care that what he is doing is hurting you?

 
Reply With Quote
Old 08-10-2017, 07:28 PM   #7
Jbelder825
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 3
Jbelder825 HB User
Re: Better off alone?

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
does he know/care that what he is doing is hurting you?
He knows and says he cares but continues to do it. He says that it has nothing to do with the way he feels about me. It's just a compulsion. I don't know if he really wants to change though. He gives up on things before he even begins them. I literally feel sorry for him. Sometimes though I feel hatred towards him for not wanting to change. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.

 
Reply With Quote
Old 08-11-2017, 07:13 PM   #8
JuJu Burd
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Columbus, OH USA
Posts: 33
JuJu Burd HB User
Re: Better off alone?

Wow! That's all I can say. You seem to be pretty level headed & he has a problem with a capital P! I agree with the response in the thread that the picture taking is most-likely illegal & very creepy!

Remove emotion away from the equation: How would you feel if your best friend was telling you this? What would you think if this were your father/child/sibling? I have to believe the answer is obvious.

Most importantly, what do you want the rest of your life to look like? If your husband with his peculiar fetish is in the picture, you have your answer.Best of luck to you whatever you decide. Leaving might seem hard but staying might be harder. Just a thought.
__________________
Jules

 
Reply With Quote
Reply Reply




Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:05 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2017 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!