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Scared, confused, alone ... drowning


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Old 09-09-2017, 04:49 PM   #1
LynnJS
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Scared, confused, alone ... drowning

My husband is leaving me. He says he doesn't love me. He refuses to seek therapy or try to fix any damage, simply saying he wants out as quick as possible.
Just a few days before this, he was sitting on the couch with me rubbing my leg and happy.
I'm not perfect, so let me make that very clear now. I've done a lot of crappy things to him (no cheating) that have put his emotions through the ringer. However, we've been friends since elementary school and together for 13 years. We have a five year old daughter together.
A few weeks ago, I got an amazing job opportunity. I worked one day, came home and bawled for an hour straight to him about how I didn't think I could do it. The hours were long with an hour drive both ways, our kiddo would have been in daycare for almost 12 hours due to my schedule and his constant overtime. On top of that, it would shift most responsibilities to him, such as cooking and cleaning because I has still have six months of intensive school to finish. I felt incredibly guilt. I couldn't do it to him with him working so many hours, so I called them and I quit the second day. He was furious at me.
The very next day, he said he didn't love and wants out. Since then he's told me he never loved, then takes it back. He takes every good memory I bring up and throws it in my face by saying he was only faking being happy. Then he will take that back too. He at one point said sex with me has been just a means for him to get off, and that he was never actually turned on by me either. Then he took that back as well. He's been lying to me about everything, including at one point saying he held a gun to his head one day and the realization came to him that he needed to change his life or he would end up losing it. A few days later this was a lie.
He's turned cold and mean in a single day. I don't even recognize him. He put money down on a very expensive apartment, a one bedroom, without even asking me or saying anything. Then he backed out after realizing he cannot afford it.
He's still in the house, allowing me to continue to take care of him but doing so while berating me, glaring at me, or acting as though I don't exist. Which is scary because he's a very warm, loving person... even if he doesn't see it. He's acting frantic to leave, to the detriment of our daughter who is not dealing with any of this well at all. She will have to be uprooted a few weeks after started kindergarten and move to a new school and away from the only home she's ever known.
I think he's having some type of mental break down. Possibly bi polar or manic because he's been in a very dark place for a while previous to this. He's working 60-70 hours a week, some weeks without a single day off, for a year now. Our finances aren't great, and we definitely need to do something before debt overwhelms us. So the stress has definitely been on us.
I want to save our marriage. I want to go to counseling. I love this man more than anything in the world. He's been my best friend, my soul mate, for most of my adult life. This just isn't anything like him. He's decided to start eating healthy (refused to before), working out (never has before), and now wants to get out of the house and do stuff again (hasn't in a very long time). We also stopped having sex very frequently, and its not down to maybe once a month if we are lucky.
Its horrible. I am gutted to say the least. My self esteem is in ruins. I hurt more than I think I've ever hurt in my entire life, and through all of this, I love him. I want to fix us, because in my heart I know he's the one for me, and he always has been.

Someone please give me some advice. I literally feel like I'm drowning in pain. I want this man in my life. I want our family to stay together.

Last edited by LynnJS; 09-09-2017 at 04:50 PM.

 
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Old 09-09-2017, 05:33 PM   #2
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Re: Scared, confused, alone... drowning

Hi there. I am so sorry you are going through this. I have to ask though...looking at what you wrote "The very next day, he said he didn't love and wants out. Since then he's told me he never loved, then takes it back. He takes every good memory I bring up and throws it in my face by saying he was only faking being happy. Then he will take that back too. He at one point said sex with me has been just a means for him to get off, and that he was never actually turned on by me either. Then he took that back as well. He's been lying to me about everything, including at one point saying he held a gun to his head one day and the realization came to him that he needed to change his life or he would end up losing it. A few days later this was a lie.
He's turned cold and mean in a single day. I don't even recognize him. He put money down on a very expensive apartment, a one bedroom, without even asking me or saying anything. Then he backed out after realizing he cannot afford it. " Are you sure he isnt seeing someone else?

This sounds like a man who cannot make up his mind what he wants.

Do you really want to fight for someone who treats you this way? If you do, then you are going to have a long road ahead. If he will not agree to talk to someone with you, then he is not committed to you and you have to accept that. Meanwhile, you do not have to take care of him. If he is going to live there, it doesnt mean that you have to be his doormat.

Tell him you love him. Tell him what you want and tell him to make up his mind. In the meantime, start making plans to take care of yourself. Go find another job closer to home which works with your daughter's school- start taking care of YOU and stop worrying about him. When he sees that you are not going to cry your eyes out and beg for anything, he might decide his family is what he wants...if you allow him to keep treating you this way, he will. Its really your decision how much of this you are willing to put up with.

Nothing needs to be decided over night...maybe give this a few days and try to talk to him again; but please take care of you. You deserve better than what you are currently getting.

I hope it works out for you!
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Old 09-09-2017, 07:01 PM   #3
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Re: Scared, confused, alone... drowning

This exact same scenario happened to my son. His wife behaved just like this. In his case the trigger for the final horror was his getting sick with a motor neurone disease; as in when the going got rough she bailed in the cruelest way possible. The destruction of his memories of any good times, her telling him she had never loved him, (after three children) and claimed years of "going through the motions", etc etc, just like your husband is doing. He was admitted to hospital for all the tests and during that time she moved a new man into her life. You cannot get back from this - he sounds like a narcissist-type person with no conscience or empathy, and he has had enough of pretending to be a human being. You have lost the man you thought you had. There is nothing but pain for you now. Look after yourself, you have a hard road to walk in the near future, but you need to get through it for your own and your daughter's sake. Sera

 
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Old 09-10-2017, 06:34 AM   #4
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Re: Scared, confused, alone... drowning

Yes I do want to fight for him, sadly. This man that's doing all of this now.. he's not the person I've known for 25 years. He would never act like this. He would never be so cold. So mean.

Thank you for your kind words. I just don't know what to do.

 
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Old 09-10-2017, 06:37 AM   #5
LynnJS
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Re: Scared, confused, alone... drowning

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
This exact same scenario happened to my son. His wife behaved just like this. In his case the trigger for the final horror was his getting sick with a motor neurone disease; as in when the going got rough she bailed in the cruelest way possible. The destruction of his memories of any good times, her telling him she had never loved him, (after three children) and claimed years of "going through the motions", etc etc, just like your husband is doing. He was admitted to hospital for all the tests and during that time she moved a new man into her life. You cannot get back from this - he sounds like a narcissist-type person with no conscience or empathy, and he has had enough of pretending to be a human being. You have lost the man you thought you had. There is nothing but pain for you now. Look after yourself, you have a hard road to walk in the near future, but you need to get through it for your own and your daughter's sake. Sera

Did he at any point think that maybe it was a mental illness. My husband has struggled with undiagnosed depression. He's had some really low months, worst of all were the ones leading up to this. Overnight he turned into a completely different person with different desires than the past 25 years that I've known him. I think he's in a type of hypomania, and could possibly be bi polar. I've tried to talk to him about it, but he thinks he's 100% in the right. We all see the difference in him though. His family, our friends, my family... I'm scared for him. I love him, and I can't just let him ruin his life.

 
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Old 09-10-2017, 07:54 AM   #6
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Re: Scared, confused, alone ... drowning

Depression is one of the by products of a personality disorder. She was on anti depressants for a while, but refused to deal with it in any meaningful way. There is not a single thing you can do unless and until he recognises that he has a problem. He does not value you in any way enough to try to save your relationship or to own any responsibility for his behaviour. So it really makes no difference what may be wrong with him - your relationship is non viable. Spare yourself more pain and prepare to rebuild your life without this potentially toxic situation ruining it. Sorry, but sooner or later you will see the truth of this. I know it sounds harsh, but I have lived through this, and have got to know others who had to deal with this, and not one has managed to "save" their relationship. The person has moved on, usually with hardly a backward glance, and your partner is doing the same. Good luck trying to get him to any sort of counselling..it will never happen. Look after yourself, and know that there is nithing more that you can do. Sera

 
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