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Marriage counseling


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Old 09-20-2017, 07:43 PM   #1
Aaron7712
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Marriage counseling

Hi, my name is Aaron. My wife and I very recently separated (her doing not mine). I am still living in the house, but the plan is for me to leave on the 1st. I finally asked her if she would be willing to try counseling and honestly to my surprise she said yes. SO I set up an appointment with a marriage counselor for this Tuesday coming up. She says she cant say that is will work, but she is willing to try.
I guess my question is, does any one have any information on whether marriage counseling really work, or could this be a waste of time?

 
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Old 09-20-2017, 08:24 PM   #2
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Re: Marriage counseling

Couple counselling is never a waste of time. Please keep an open mind, as it may not mean that you will reconcile back to marriage. Even if not, it will give you the tools to cope and move forward in a healthy way. So much can be put out on the table in a safe, mediated environment and this will be extremely helpful. Good luck, Sera

 
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Old 09-20-2017, 09:23 PM   #3
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Re: Marriage counseling

Not a waste of time when you can learn something about each other and about yourself.
It's work....introspective and be honest if you're willing.

It doesn't mean you will get back together, what you learn is communication to help in the decision if it can work or not.

Wish you the best,

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Last edited by quincy; 09-20-2017 at 09:29 PM.

 
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Old 09-21-2017, 03:09 AM   #4
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Re: Marriage counseling

Thank you for your replies. I am very hopeful that counseling will work for us, but I am not honestly positive how my wife really feels about it. She has a greed which is a big step, but she keeps saying "I don't know if it will or not, but I am willing to try." I know that sounds promising, but the look on her face when she says it, says something completely different. I don't know if she really wants this to work or not and that scares the hell out of me. She just started menopause and I think that a lot of what is happening, because it seems like it was an all of a sudden thing, is partly to blame because of the hormone imbalance. I know that we have some marriage issue, but there is nothing that couldn't be worked through and fixed. There is no drugs, no booze, no cheating, and no violence, so I have my hopes that it will work and I will get my wife back.

 
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Old 09-21-2017, 09:09 AM   #5
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Re: Marriage counseling

Takes both to make it work. Allow it time, and through all new info taken in, it has to find its place in how you both function subjectively and together.

Not an easy process....but enlightening.

If your wife is in perimenopause, then maybe she will see her doctor and hormone treatment will be suggested. A full check up could be helpful. Not saying it's at a fault for your situation, but suggesting it might be something that she has concerns about and the mind is worrying.

Remember, you have responsibility for what you think, say, feel and do.....perception is difficult when not feeling well and someone else doesn't get it.

Please let us know how you both are doing. It's awesome you are willing to go through the process of counselling and communication.

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Old 09-21-2017, 11:00 AM   #6
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Re: Marriage counseling

Hi Quincy, I'm ready for this counseling to begin. I'm determined to do everything in my power to win my wife back and live the long and happy life we've always talked about. I just wish she would talk to me and really tell me what it is that I have been doing so wrong that she has ended up here. I have racked my brain to the point that I am awake at four am thinking about what could have been done different. I just don't know, was I really that blind to the fact that she was having doubts about us, or was she that good of an actress to hide it, and why would she do that. If we had talked about this long before now, maybe just maybe we could have nipped this in the bud before it festered to this point.

I actually talked to my brother today and he gave me a good piece of advice, I need to stop worrying so much about her, because she does not want my help or anything else right now. He told me to do for me, I need to be okay too and I took that to heart. But seriously, how do you stop worrying about the person you have spent the last four almost five years with, not an easy accomplishment. He's also been through the marriage counseling so he gave me a little advice about that too. He said be prepared, things are going to be said that are not going to make you happy, but when they are keep your emotions in check and don't retaliate. He told me to think through my answers before I speak.

As I sit here, I am actually in a decent place today. I am going to my mothers for the weekend, just to get away and give her the space to do whatever it is that she wants. In fact she just told me she was invited to a friends for dinner Saturday night. I told her good for her, go and have fun. I'm trying to accept that this separation is going to happen and I don't have any choice in the matter.

So one thing has been bothering me, something she has said or in my opinion not said. She keeps saying she is willing to try counseling, but she cant guarantee that it will work. I get that, but couldn't she say something just a little more positive, like I really want to try counseling and see if we can make this work? I don't know it's just the way she says some stuff. Like today I said to her. You know the counselor is probably going to ask us what it is we want or are expecting to get out of counseling. He response was I just want to know if this is even salvageable. I was a little dumbfounded by that, especially when I just don't see what was so damn bad that we are even on the verge of this storm. So I being me, made a dumb remark about how if the counseling doesn't work for you then go ahead and get the papers and I'll sign them. Needless to say a dumb move, or was it? Did the fact that I am ready to sign the papers no questions asked if counseling doesn't work give her some food for thought. My answer to that question is easy, I am here to find a way to fix my marriage, so that we can grow old together on Edisto Island in South Carolina.

I just really want everything to workout, because I really miss her. I miss her smile and the sappy little texts. The conversations about her conspiracy theory's, or how she is excited about the prospect of helping me self publish my first book. I miss the idea of being able to run the kids around to all the extras that they have. They are actually the ones I feel the saddest for, because they are going to be the ones missing out on a season of basketball, because my wife wont be able to get them back and forth with all the hours she works and I wont be here to do it like I have in the past. I just really hope that it doesn't take forever, I am praying that counseling will work fast and we can start our second phase of life together. I just want her back and I am I am willing to do anything.

As for her medical stuff, I have tried desperately to get her to either go back to her doctor or find a new one. Because I do not believe that what she is taking is working. But she hasn't been very receptive. I cant help if she doesn't want me to help, especially if she doesn't even want me around. But I do still have hope and I'll hang on to that until its no longer there.

 
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Old 09-21-2017, 11:52 AM   #7
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Re: Marriage counseling

Best of luck to you and your wife.

 
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Old 09-22-2017, 11:21 AM   #8
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Re: Marriage counseling

Aaron.....trying to predict what will happen and is counterproductive and more stressful. It sounds as though your wife is overwhelmed, emotionally and mentally and physically. I can relate at times, but I will suspect that your constant want for change/improvement could cause her to shut down. Her reserves for moving forward are probably drained....self preservation is in overload and she is in neutral.

Did I mention that counselling takes time? Fast and counselling are oxymorons ;-)
Whatever her crisis is won't be resolved in any appointment. It's ongoing, with many aha moments, through functioning, introspection and relationship events. Life for you both has changed, and the relationship will not be the same as in what you remember, etc. I will suspect that overenthusiasm for what you miss will backfire on you, so allowing space is good.

She agreed for counselling, and her perceived negativity is probably apprehension and a bit of fear. ....have you made an appointment? Make a standing appointment....not piecemeal.

So....you are the one with expectations....be aware of that. What she says in response might be a way to say....hold on thar...... If one can hardly function on emotional levels, making future plans is impossible. Taking a day at a time is helpful. You are looking for resolve, and let's get back to normal. She may be saying...i dont know what the hell is going on with me and need to figure it out.

You seem a loving and supportive husband....your wife may eventually see that as controlling and pushy or babying. Does she have personal boundaries that she's establishing now that she never had before? I'm only speculating from a female perspective. We grow in different ways.

Your response about divorce papers was a tad manipulative and threatening.
I understand the all or nothing. I have threatened my husband to stop certain behaviours and to stop talking to me in certain ways because I won't stand for it (not abusive tho)....and I'm not going to spend the rest of our lives picking at each other for no reasons. If he has something to say....let's talk it out. But i also have to understand I don't know what's going on with his responses and I tend to take it personally. I would rather be separate and live on my own.....not because I dont love him, but because of my mental hardwiring, personal boundaries and my own health issues if we are like that constantly.. I struggle, but am Ok. But I also need to stop being reactive when I feel crappy too.

I was in therapy for a long time because of my childhood dysfunctional family and my thought process. Enlightening, to say the least, but in my brain now...it's a constant awareness that is exhausting.
Depression, anxiety and health issues don't help. I'm tired. However, I do yet have very active and hyper days which I would love to sustain, but I know I will crash the next day. I know I need quiet and alone, non commitment time for recovery.

Hang tough through this. Changing what was is very humbling. It doesnt mean giving up the YOU as a couple or as individual...it means making the YOU better if you're wanting to stay together. Sort of peeling away the layers of stuff, defenses, what isnt working cohesively, and changing what needs to in order for it to work on a different level with mutual respect. As we age we change perspective, opinions, needs, wants, likes, etc.....subjectively doesnt mean others accept it. But talking about it helps, for we can't improve or change what we don't understand. Sometimes our mental hardwiring just doesn't get it.

Sorry for going on. Please keep us updated on how you are doing. Just as an aside, you could do counselling on your own as well....venting, and having an ear and perspective for you is very helpful.

q
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Last edited by quincy; 09-22-2017 at 11:36 AM.

 
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