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-   -   Hurt and confused and not sure what to do. (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/divorce-separation/1037709-hurt-confused-not-sure-what-do.html)

yayagirl 10-08-2017 10:27 PM

Re: Hurt and confused and not sure what to do.
 
Hello. Herpes is herpes. Regardless where the location where the sores formed. The numbers I and II are not denoting two separate types of virus. They are the same virus, whether on lips, in the mouth, on or inside genitals, anus or other moist areas.

The relationship problem is definitely the over-all, general lack of respect for you & your well-being. It's up to us to draw the line. The question is, are you going to draw the line or let him off the hook?

lostandhurt 10-09-2017 04:36 AM

Re: Hurt and confused and not sure what to do.
 
[QUOTE=YaYagirl;5470339]Hello. Herpes is herpes. Regardless where the location where the sores formed. The numbers I and II are not denoting two separate types of virus. They are the same virus, whether on lips, in the mouth, on or inside genitals, anus or other moist areas.

The relationship problem is definitely the over-all, general lack of respect for you & your well-being. It's up to us to draw the line. The question is, are you going to draw the line or let him off the hook?[/QUOTE]


You're right....and i suppose that's the million dollar question.

yayagirl 10-09-2017 08:31 AM

Re: Hurt and confused and not sure what to do.
 
Dear lostandhurt,

Yes, it is a huge question. I hope you get some personal counseling to help you sort things out and make decisions. There is no hurry as any change will cause more complications and any decision has it's own set of problems.

Did you both have several relationships in your past? My husband and I had previous broken relationships and also were married and divorced before we met. It wasn't really a pretty picture after we got married. For me to be able to stand up to my husband instead of stuffing or hiding in my emotions took a lot of counseling, book reading & personal growth (reacting or getting angry doesn't change any thing). I don't know either of you and I am not judging. Just from personal experience, sometimes the partners are just stuck in an old ineffective coping pattern. Those patterns can change even if just one takes the initiative to change our own selves. People generally treat us the way we allow.

While we cannot change the past, we can change how we interact, which does change the dynamic in the relationship. It starts by using only I statements, facing and dealing with our own inadequacies and not pointing fingers. Then real trust can grow. Even if only one person makes a change. Learning this is why we have now been married 35 years. We are not responsible for other adults, just our own attitude.

I think you have been facing a harsh subject and that you can deal with this issue.

Love,

quincy 10-09-2017 10:42 AM

Re: Hurt and confused and not sure what to do.
 
I have a saying.....stop raising the bar for tolerance and lowering it for acceptance.

Therapy suggestion is for you to sort your issues and perspectives and gain insight. If there is no respect for one issue, it's usually across the board, albeit on a sliding scale. You need respect for yourself first and learn which boundaries you enforce and which ones you can flex. Flexing comes with insight and acceptance until it has pushed beyond into a more serious boundary limit.

You will probably never have him understand the implications of what his decisions are on your psyche or health. He may not have that hard-wiring. In that case.....accept his limitations and change your expectations, or establish firm boundaries and make decisions accordingly.

q

lostandhurt 10-11-2017 11:50 AM

Re: Hurt and confused and not sure what to do.
 
quincy,

I totally agree with you about flexing and creating boundaries. I have flexed a lot in this relationship...im just trying to decide if ive reached the breaking point without making rash decisions. Actually, im usually the only one doing the flexing. I'm working on boundaries. I've learned the hard way that having more relaxed boundaries with the person or people that are supposed to have your best interests at heart. I'm normally a pretty upbeat person and honestly I'm not a fan of who this situation and stress from lack of trust is turning me into. I'm working on that too.

quincy 10-11-2017 08:49 PM

Re: Hurt and confused and not sure what to do.
 
The bottom line is making decisions for your own best interests and selfl preservation.

q

kanded 10-11-2017 10:47 PM

Re: Hurt and confused and not sure what to do.
 
Sounds like he's had 4 marriages for a reason if he's not very compassionate or understanding and doesn't try very hard.
How old are the kids? Some people just try to stick it out til the kids are old enough so as not to cause them emotional trauma. Sounds like you try to be flexible, that's fine as long as he's not being abusive.
He's lost your trust, maybe he should have to win back bedroom privileges. That would definitely make him sit up and take notice of what you are saying. If he doesn't care about that, then there are bigger problems to worry about.
If it were my husband I wouldn't let him near me till I had gone to the doctor with him and had his test results in my hand, and an apology in the other. Otherwise he can go sleep in the garage for all I care.
But that's just my philosophy. ;)

lostandhurt 10-12-2017 05:43 AM

Re: Hurt and confused and not sure what to do.
 
[QUOTE=kanded;5470448]Sounds like he's had 4 marriages for a reason if he's not very compassionate or understanding and doesn't try very hard.
How old are the kids? Some people just try to stick it out til the kids are old enough so as not to cause them emotional trauma. Sounds like you try to be flexible, that's fine as long as he's not being abusive.
He's lost your trust, maybe he should have to win back bedroom privileges. That would definitely make him sit up and take notice of what you are saying. If he doesn't care about that, then there are bigger problems to worry about.
If it were my husband I wouldn't let him near me till I had gone to the doctor with him and had his test results in my hand, and an apology in the other. Otherwise he can go sleep in the garage for all I care.
But that's just my philosophy. ;)[/QUOTE]

We havent had sex since beginning of september last year...i found out about all this in January. Before september it had been several months. I should throw out there that hes 61...but he claims he has no issue in that dept.

lostandhurt 10-12-2017 05:51 AM

Re: Hurt and confused and not sure what to do.
 
Kids are 6 and 3

kanded 10-13-2017 10:25 AM

Re: Hurt and confused and not sure what to do.
 
I haven't been through that age and stage of the game yet, so I may not be the best one to give advice.
I still agree with YaYa on many points. It takes awhile to get to a point where you can accept things about a person and go on. Love makes you do that. But even in a loveless marriage, there are other considerations.
The chidren are still small enough that they may not understand if you were to leave. They may not understand till they are older, like 20 or so why.
Little children just want mommy and daddy all together in one house.
If they have a good relationship with their dad, then it may be worth staying and fighting or sacrificing for. A good male role model is essential in kid's lives.
The virus, as I understand, is only contagious when its active. If he agrees to take his meds, and washes his hands well, there is no reason he can't be around the kids. (Careful of scratching and not washing, etc)
This betrayal of trust is something he may never understand, or want to understand. So you are back at, what are you willing to ignore or compromise on for the sake of the children, so they can have a normal family life? Once you take that big step to leave, nothing will be the same for anyone.
I know several couples that have different bedrooms and seem to proceed normally so the family doesn't have to be broken up. But you have to decide what's right for you and your family.
Best wishes for you all!


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