It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Divorce & Separation Message Board

  • Hurt and confused and not sure what to do.

  • Post New Thread   Reply Reply
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 10-03-2017, 12:58 PM   #1
    lostandhurt
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Oct 2017
    Location: Virginia
    Posts: 11
    lostandhurt HB User
    Hurt and confused and not sure what to do.

    HI....needing a little insight and honestly a bit lost on how to get it so I turned here. Ive been with my husband for 8 years total and in january found out he has HSV2 and didnt bother to tell me. I found out by finding a prescription bottle dated years ago in a drawer. When i questioned him about it he just told me hes had it for 30 years and hadnt had an outbreak in 25....which i later found out to be untrue, he had felt the outbreak coming on and got the meds to head it off. We have had multiple conversations where ive told him the hurt and betrayal that i feel but he says its not like our marriage is based on lies....to which i disagree. We had issues before this and now im having a hard time forgiving. He has told me he takes the meds but he keeps them hidden and i count them so i know hes not taking them. Also the latest prescription is dated 5 days after i was tested and he told me he takes them daily. Am i being unreasonable here? I dont know that i can be intimate with him.

    Insight would be awesome.....

     
    Reply With Quote
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 10-04-2017, 05:12 AM   #2
    52ken
    Senior Veteran
    (male)
     
    52ken's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Nov 2008
    Location: florida
    Posts: 836
    52ken HB User52ken HB User52ken HB User52ken HB User52ken HB User52ken HB User52ken HB User52ken HB User52ken HB User52ken HB User52ken HB User
    Re: Hurt and confused and not sure what to do.

    It seems that trust has been broken and it is a hard thing to get back. He may have been ashamed of having it and didn't tell you. To me that is a crock because he put you at risk of contracting it w/o your knowledge. It is not a fatal disease but still it is unfair to you. You have to talk it out and maybe go see the doctor together. I know he said he had it for 30 years but is it true or not. Good luck

     
    Reply With Quote
    Old 10-04-2017, 09:14 AM   #3
    lostandhurt
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Oct 2017
    Location: Virginia
    Posts: 11
    lostandhurt HB User
    Re: Hurt and confused and not sure what to do.

    Trust is a big thing for me and im not very good at allowing others to earn it back once it is broken, call it character flaw. Him putting me at risk and our two children at risk is my big issue....that and not respecting me enough to tell me. I understand him feeling some sort of way about telling me, he said he was afraid to ruin what we had, but i feel like more damage was done this way. Ive talked to him multiple times and even wrote a letter because it didnt seem to be sinking in for him. Had to point out he never actually said im sorry for any of it either. And i know about it now so why continue to hide the medication especially since i said it would go along way to build trust.

     
    Reply With Quote
    Old 10-04-2017, 12:33 PM   #4
    52ken
    Senior Veteran
    (male)
     
    52ken's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Nov 2008
    Location: florida
    Posts: 836
    52ken HB User52ken HB User52ken HB User52ken HB User52ken HB User52ken HB User52ken HB User52ken HB User52ken HB User52ken HB User52ken HB User
    Re: Hurt and confused and not sure what to do.

    I don't think many women would be able to accept this kind of deception. I'm sure your husband just wants to forget the whole thing and have things as they were. I still feel communication between the two is the most important and if he continues not to acknowledge your feelings then you have an even bigger problems. Sometimes with men you have to come right out and ask him directly the question you want answered. If it is an apology from him and he hasn't then ask him for it. Men seem to think that the women know when it fact they need it said. You are in a difficult position and hopefully he will see that what he did was bad and ask for your forgiveness. Then you can figure out the next step if any.

     
    Reply With Quote
    Old 10-05-2017, 08:18 AM   #5
    yayagirl
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jun 2010
    Location: USA
    Posts: 2,462
    yayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB User
    Re: Hurt and confused and not sure what to do.

    Dearest lostandhurt,

    I so understand your feeling of betrayal. Of course this situation is very hurtful. I had a difficult period of time in my marriage when I had an outbreak of herpes years into our marriage Back then it was not common knowledge that cold sores were herpes. Herpes one or two only denotes location. It is the exact same virus.

    My husband was back then insecure and suspicious (for no reason on my side) and I could have been equally suspicious of him. I chose not to blame anyone, and eventually he accepted that things happen in life over which we have no control. Besides the fact that he always had cold sores in his mouth when he was stressed there is no telling where my herpes originally came from. Herpes one and two only are distinguished by location. They are the same virus. When there is no outbreak, there is no contagion.
    And I kiss my husband every day. It is definitely a very common & manageable disease. We both began using nutrition to build up our immune systems and though I had two outbreaks years ago, way back then, I never have had an outbreak since then.

    There is NO telling where or exactly when your husband acquired the herpes. It could have been from an old aunt kissing him as a child. And guess what, you probably were exposed to it somewhere since before you first kissed him. It's a highly common and contagious disease. Like getting a cold.

    I agree it's always best to be upfront and open esp. with something like disease. I don't in any way blame you for anything you feel. We all just feel what we feel. Someone else might take it differently, but you are you. Now what you are made of is in the spotlight, and your choices permanently will affect your children and the rest of your life.

    It's hard to accept but he could have had the virus from a child through no fault of his own. But that is true. And, you may also have already been a carrier if anybody with it kissed you as a child. Some people never get symptoms or outbreaks. I suspect that your husband had utter terror and depression about how you would take the facts. And, now he has to live with knowing his worst fears were true. He probably has been very depressed about this all along.

    Males are trained for generations to not show weakness or their emotions, and it does seem to me that your guy has been and is just sick about all of it. In my experience, often we gals expect our men to spill all their fears and disappointments, at least to talk about them, and be strong and fearless at the same time. Most males are not made that way. Esp. if they came from a family where males are expected to stuff emotions and be stoic. Often small boys are jumped upon and called 'baby' or weak if they express fear or sadness or show any kind of weakness. It sounds like your husband truly didn't know what to do with the information, and that he feared you would blame him for the disease. and, now you are holding it against him. what can he do with that?

    All that to say, the marriage vow is in sickness and health, for better or worse. You have children, and I as a woman with an imperfect husband (is there any other kind? we are not perfect either) hope you can rise above this and give the poor guy a break...since you were already exposed to the issue before you found out he has it.

    Do you really want to teach your children to expect to be thrown away and not forgiven if they get or have a disease and don't know how to handle it?

    I hope that by now you have realized there is another way to look at the facts than just betrayal. How about instead, you taking the initiative to make an appointment for the two of you to go get educated about how to handle things from now on?

    You were married for better and worse, in sickness and in health, right?
    I just want to add that trust is a big thing for everyone. So can he trust you to accept that he is not perfect?

    I don't blame you for any way that you feel, but I am praying for you to look at the much bigger picture.

    Love,
    __________________
    ~ YaYa ~

    Last edited by yayagirl; 10-05-2017 at 08:39 AM.

     
    Reply With Quote
    Old 10-05-2017, 11:52 AM   #6
    lostandhurt
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Oct 2017
    Location: Virginia
    Posts: 11
    lostandhurt HB User
    Re: Hurt and confused and not sure what to do.

    Maybe I should clarify a few things. While all of the points made are valid ones and also ones that i have thought on deeply there is more to the picture.

    I know where he got it. And it wasn't an aunt kissing him. I tested negative for it. He is much older than me and we already had several issues....along the lines of not supportive during major life moments, mocking me for going to therapy about those life moments, asking for us to focus on us again and being told that phase of relationship is over, and more.

    I know my husband pretty well....he has not acted remorseful about not telling me in a sincere way. Says the right things but the actions are not there. Im a health teacher...i know and understand the virus, i teach it every year. It is not the virus i have the issue with. It's the fact that he never used any method to protect me, and never intended to tell me he had it. Granted i should have been looking out for myself more and apparently not so trusting of the person i was in a relationship with. To him i am being ridiculous and when i asked him when he didnt tell me he said something to the effect of he doesnt think of it everyday. I can understand that however if you are taking a medication daily for something like he said he does then you think about it....i think about taking my birth control everyday.

    Im not upset he has it...its the situation that goes with it. How do i trust someone who knowingly makes a choice to not tell his partners that hes putting them at risk....because he's never told anyone, i just happened to find out.

     
    Reply With Quote
    Old 10-05-2017, 11:59 AM   #7
    lostandhurt
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Oct 2017
    Location: Virginia
    Posts: 11
    lostandhurt HB User
    Re: Hurt and confused and not sure what to do.

    I reread the previous post after i submitted my reply. I understand your statement about him trusting me to not judge and teaching my children from this. However for me the bigger issue is what am i teaching my children on the flip side? That it is ok to treat people this way? To disrespect the health of the person you're supposed to take care of? I think i would be doing them (both boys) a disservice and their potential mates a disservice by not teaching them how to treat people and that sometimes being uncomfortable and having to have a hard conversation is part of life, it doesnt mean you get to ignore it. Also, didn't he give up his right to trust when he KNOWINGLY played roulette with my health.

     
    Reply With Quote
    Old 10-05-2017, 09:09 PM   #8
    yayagirl
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jun 2010
    Location: USA
    Posts: 2,462
    yayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB User
    Re: Hurt and confused and not sure what to do.

    Dear lostandhurt,

    The fact of herpes is that no one ever can prove where they first got the herpes virus. Yes indeed, even if your husband has the virus, he could have first gotten it from his own mother at birth or from her kisses. There is no way to prove where it originated. Just because your tests are negative now doesn't mean that you aren't carrying the virus. A herpes test can appear negative even when one has the virus. Do some research of the subject. This is like trying to discover who first had a cold or the flu. It just is not as cut and dry as you believe. Even teachers really don't always have all of the known facts.

    Wouldn't your message to your children be that it's acceptable to punish when hurt and disappointed? Have you thought of the fact that if you are found to be a carrier, then your boys would learn to dump you? I hope you don't end up shooting yourself in the foot so to speak. It appears to me that you have other issues with your husband that you may not have been facing or addressing.

    It doesn't seem that you would be open to your husband even if he groveled & begged forgiveness. It seems that this disconnect occurred long before the herpes issue came up. This is just how it looks to me from what you wrote. Maybe it would be better to let go of the herpes issue and be confrontational that you don't believe you are respected or loved, and make your decisions based on that.

    Love,
    __________________
    ~ YaYa ~

    Last edited by yayagirl; 10-05-2017 at 09:18 PM.

     
    Reply With Quote
    Old 10-06-2017, 06:56 AM   #9
    MSNik
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Sep 2006
    Location: USA
    Posts: 12,891
    MSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB User
    Re: Hurt and confused and not sure what to do.

    Lostandhurt,

    You state that you know where he got this virus. Im not sure you can be 100% sure of that...even if both of you were tested prior to this 'happening", the virus can lay dormant in our bodies for 30 years....simply being with someone who "might" have it, doesn't mean that is where he got it.

    However, it sounds like something happened at some point in your relationship which caused you to lose trust and this is just the icing on the cake. The drugs which are given to people with the virus to prevent outbreaks need to be taken every day- forever- and the dosage is increased at times of a breakout. The fact that he has these drugs means one of two things. He only takes it when he has a breakout OR he is taking it daily to prevent one. If you are counting them and none are being taken, you have your answer,

    As a health teacher, you know the importance of being proactive. You have every right to be angry that he isnt- and hasnt been. And, he put you at risk.

    The bigger question here is does he have a history of not being trustworthy and do you want to stay with someone you cant trust? I think you know your answer already and I also think you know this isnt just about what you recently found out...it sounds like this has been brewing for years and you have just recently hit your tolerance level.

    Go back to therapy and dont tell him. You need to talk this through with someone who knows you and understands what you have been through and will help you make sound decisions. Ending this is not impossible, but most certainly will be painful. You need good advice from someone who can help you look at this from every angle.

    Best of luck.
    __________________
    RRMS- dx 05

     
    Reply With Quote
    Old 10-06-2017, 10:01 AM   #10
    lostandhurt
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Oct 2017
    Location: Virginia
    Posts: 11
    lostandhurt HB User
    Re: Hurt and confused and not sure what to do.

    MSNik,

    Thank you. I know these things...both he and his ex wife both had outbreaks at the same time 30 years ago. He has told me he takes the medication daily however that obviously is not the case. He takes one or two then nothing for weeks and from what i can tell goes long periods of time without prescriptions.

    You're right i probably do need to go back to therapy. It can't hurt either way.

    I appreciate the thoughts and input.

     
    Reply With Quote
    Old 10-06-2017, 07:21 PM   #11
    yayagirl
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jun 2010
    Location: USA
    Posts: 2,462
    yayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB User
    Re: Hurt and confused and not sure what to do.

    Dear lostandhurt,

    It would help you to understand and accept the fact that he and his ex wife both had outbreaks at the same time 30 years ago does not prove where the virus originated or from what source.

    This isn't really about herpes, is it? Isn't it about feeling betrayed that he was not upfront to begin with and that he seems to not care?

    Take care of yourself, sweetie.

    Love,
    __________________
    ~ YaYa ~

     
    Reply With Quote
    Old 10-07-2017, 05:47 AM   #12
    lostandhurt
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Oct 2017
    Location: Virginia
    Posts: 11
    lostandhurt HB User
    Re: Hurt and confused and not sure what to do.

    Ya Ya,

    You are exactly right...I dont know where and when he got it but like i mentioned just that i knew that they had outbreaks at the same time. I understand how the virus works, I did my research when I found the prescription bottles of valtrex dated 3 years ago in the back of a drawer. And you are also correct in that its not the virus that he has it that really bothers me, its the situation surrounding it.

    I say he doesn't care because in the course of the 10 months since this came to light I have told him how I feel and where I stand with it, and other issues in our marriage....i will say a positive of this is it gave my voice volume and me he strength to speak up, and it's basically my problem. So to say that the HSV is the whole problem is unfair as well....it was the icing on the cake.

     
    Reply With Quote
    Old 10-08-2017, 08:14 AM   #13
    yayagirl
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jun 2010
    Location: USA
    Posts: 2,462
    yayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB Useryayagirl HB User
    Re: Hurt and confused and not sure what to do.

    Dear lostandhurt,

    I'm so sorry that you are having so much trouble, and that hubby isn't more open and responsive. I went through some harsh times in my marriage. I had to let go of that emotional baggage and accept that my husband is not perfect, and I chose to do that because I am not perfect. I'm not telling you what decisions to make, but want you to understand that the children are part of each parent and so they need to see acceptance in the parents or they will be emotionally shattered. Clearly ( to me), your husband has a difficult time with opening up and being up front. This seems like insecurity, to me.

    Whether you want this relationship to work out or not, really it is up to you to lay the past to rest. Because no one can change the past. Really it's up to us to leave the past behind. If we seethe about it we are really our own worst enemy. I think whether you say it to him or not, that in your own heart you need to say 'I forgive him'. Not forgiving him may irritate him, but the person that is destroyed is the one that doesn't forgive. We cannot fully appreciate the present until we put the past behind us and fully live in the here and now.
    And, doing this is a minute by minute and daily necessity.

    I know what it takes to recover from life's curve balls and missed hits and believe me, my life has been as full of those as anyone's. Don't think I am minimizing in the least way what has been bothering you. Not at all. Whatever bothers or annoys us, bothers & annoys us. I am here for you.

    Love,
    __________________
    ~ YaYa ~

     
    Reply With Quote
    The Following User Says Thank You to yayagirl For This Useful Post:
    lostandhurt (10-08-2017)
    Old 10-08-2017, 09:06 AM   #14
    quincy
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Apr 2003
    Location: Winnipeg, Canada
    Posts: 5,276
    quincy HB Userquincy HB Userquincy HB Userquincy HB Userquincy HB Userquincy HB Userquincy HB Userquincy HB Userquincy HB Userquincy HB Userquincy HB User
    Re: Hurt and confused and not sure what to do.

    Forgiveness is overrated. And it happens in increments and need not be fully. Whether forgiveness happens or not....the real facts are still a betrayal of trust on a health level, done on purpose with no concern....and fluffed off and as being no big deal. No one wants to be the recipient of life-long health disease if it can be avoided.

    I think therapy is a good thing for you for many reasons. I also think couple therapy is good as well.

    I assume we are talking about genital herpes.....and no aunt kissing him has it venture to his genitals unless she kissed him there....
    q
    __________________
    It's all a matter of perspective!
    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

    Last edited by quincy; 10-08-2017 at 09:11 AM.

     
    Reply With Quote
    Old 10-08-2017, 03:08 PM   #15
    lostandhurt
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Oct 2017
    Location: Virginia
    Posts: 11
    lostandhurt HB User
    Re: Hurt and confused and not sure what to do.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by quincy View Post
    Forgiveness is overrated. And it happens in increments and need not be fully. Whether forgiveness happens or not....the real facts are still a betrayal of trust on a health level, done on purpose with no concern....and fluffed off and as being no big deal. No one wants to be the recipient of life-long health disease if it can be avoided.

    I think therapy is a good thing for you for many reasons. I also think couple therapy is good as well.

    I assume we are talking about genital herpes.....and no aunt kissing him has it venture to his genitals unless she kissed him there....
    q

    Yes we are talking about genital herpes. No i doubt he got it from and aunt and since i know his sexual past and he admits to playing the field...during our talk he told me hes had other STIs too. Plus, ive talked to his ex wife who also has HSV2....so ive heard her story as well as heard that while he tells me hes not had outbreaks shes told me hes called her asking for the valtrex because he didnt want his current wife to find out (im number 4).

    To give a little more to this in the last 2 years i have asked him start going on dates and whatnot...he asked me if i wanted him to walk around the mall holding my hand. When i said sure we used to he told me tough that this is the way it is now and told me I was going through a mid-life crisis...im 34. He does very little with me and our children, and in fact tries to talk me out of things that i want to do and see with them. All things that he "doesnt remember happening". I went to therapy for about a year off and on and had gotten to the point that it was in my hands what to do from there. I'm contemplating going back. I know myself pretty well and while i forgive the fact he has it, obviously he didnt try to get it, it is the lack of respect for me and my wellbeing as well as the lack of trust on his part to tell me. Its not the end of the world, i loved him and would have more than likely still pursued the relationship.....the one he thought would be ruined by telling me....he did more damage by not telling me.

     
    Reply With Quote
    Reply Reply




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:24 AM.





    2019 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!