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  • Thinking about divorce

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    Old 11-17-2017, 03:49 PM   #1
    frustratedwife1
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    Thinking about divorce

    My husband and I have been on a roller coaster ride since we met. We have been together for 4 years and married for 3 years. He is so moody all the time one minute he is being lovey and the next he is angry. He doesn't like me having friends or even being close with my family he claims he doesn't care but every time I talk to family he tries to talk bad about them and says they don't care about me. He also never accepts fault for anything he literally says everything is my fault if we argue it always me, if he says mean things its because I did something to provoke it, if he is cold or distant again its because of something I did. But over the last 5 months or so things were getting so much better we weren't arguing or fighting it was wonderful. We had a normal happy marriage. But now we are back to arguing and fighting. He will push my buttons until I say something to defend myself, then an argument starts and of course its my fault for defending myself from his verbal attacks. Lately he has also been getting really angry anytime I disagree with him no matter what the subject is he even told me that I need to shut up and listen to him because he is right 99% of the time and Im always wrong. I cook, serve him his plate, clean Im a neat freak our house stays clean, wash laundry, I have never denied or withheld sex, I encourage him, have been supportive through any hard times he had, defended him fiercely when friends and family would point out his faults, pack his lunch for work, make his coffee in the morning, and make sure I keep up my appearance. I do have my faults but I try my best to be a great wife. It just seems like no matter what I do Im just not good enough in his eyes. Can anyone else relate. Im at a loss on what to do. Someone told me he sounds like a narcissist that I just need to get away because he will never change. That is what Im beginning to think but I still have reluctance to leave.

     
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    Old 11-18-2017, 06:55 AM   #2
    MSNik
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    Re: Thinking about divorce

    Whoever said the first year of marriage is the honeymoon period, lied. Its the hardest year of any marriage because you are really getting to know each other and making some important decisions which you may not have had to make before together.

    Your story reminds me somewhat of my own. I never thought we would make it through our second year, we fought allot in year one...but we are about to celebrate 15 years- and its been all good for the last 13.5 of them!

    I would say that you need to keep 2 things in mind...one, is you shouldn't be looking for him to change. You cant change anyone, only yourself. and 2- if you are that unsure, maybe some counseling for yourself would be beneficial. I did it and it really helped me see things from a new perspective. Eventually he started to go with me and that's when we made real progress together, but before that I felt better about how I handled things and reacted to his stuff.

    If you are at all wanting to save this marriage - get your own head on straight first and then think about what you want....its too hard to make decisions about what you want when you are focused all the time on A. what other people think and B. the craziness that he is dishing out. Find out how to handle your own emotions and responses, then you can start thinking about whether or not you can handle his.

    Good luck!
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    Old 11-18-2017, 08:15 AM   #3
    frustratedwife1
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    Re: Thinking about divorce

    We have been married for 4 years and this just keeps happening. I went to counseling for about a year, he refused to go with me says there is nothing wrong with him. Im just at a loss on what to do.

     
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    Old 11-18-2017, 11:54 AM   #4
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    Re: Thinking about divorce

    Have you and he discussed separation, and what was his response?

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    Old 11-18-2017, 04:26 PM   #5
    frustratedwife1
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    Re: Thinking about divorce

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by quincy View Post
    Have you and he discussed separation, and what was his response?

    q
    i have but it doesnt go well at all. His mind set is that husband and wife should never seperate, and if I want to it must be because I want to cheat.

     
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    Old 11-19-2017, 07:17 AM   #6
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    Re: Thinking about divorce

    I still think you should seek counseling for yourself. He doesn't have to go, but you need some help getting your thoughts in order. You cant make decisions for yourself based on what he wants- or what other people tell you. You need to work through this and some professional help might be really good for you!

    Its not an easy decision; but learning ways to deal with him and helping you figure out what you want is why you are asking, isn't it? Look into counseling for yourself..it really might help you decide.
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    Old 11-19-2017, 10:53 AM   #7
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    Re: Thinking about divorce

    He sounds like a controller who has skewed and old-fashioned ideals. I suspect he will never be an active participant to try to understand the big picture of your marriage. It might be that he has no ability for introspection.

    My saying....stop raising the bar for tolerance and lowering it for acceptance.

    Consider counselling for yourself......YES! He should as well...separate from you.

    We all have baggage, and if your marriage is worth the effort then it can help sort things out. But know that with counselling, some realise it's not what they want, but were afraid to admit it. Better than living a lie and punishing oneself and the other for a lifetime.

    You have one go around in life....it is YOURS, and no one else's to dictate.

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    Last edited by quincy; 11-19-2017 at 10:55 AM.

     
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    Old 11-20-2017, 07:17 AM   #8
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    Re: Thinking about divorce

    you are in an abusive relationship whether or not you want to believe it. Your husband could be bi-polar or have borderline personality disorder. He is controlling, trying to separate you from your friends and family, your support system, so that you will have no one but him. This is how abusive people operate. Yes he sounds narcissistic, among other things. Please get out now. Please don't have children with him, you will regret that the rest of your life.

     
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    Old 02-04-2019, 10:23 AM   #9
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    Re: Thinking about divorce

    What you have described is controlling behaviour and not healthy. Plus it doesn't sound as though he really wants to change. So unless you are happy to live like this for the next however many years, then I would advise you to leave.

    Last edited by Administrator; 02-04-2019 at 10:17 PM.

     
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