It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Divorce & Separation Message Board

  • why divorce is morally wrong

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 06-09-2004, 08:51 AM   #16
    vintagegirl
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    vintagegirl's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2004
    Posts: 667
    vintagegirl HB User
    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    I'm sure that hypothetically, any of us would'nt violently object to raising a child with our very best friend...the problem though... is that we would want to have a fulfulling sex life with someone outside of that platonic relationship. Your problem is that you are having that platonic relationship with the woman you married. It happens to a lot of couples. It also happens that poor choices in mates and sex partners are made when we are very young. I don't think that a poor choice should be a life sentence. However, remember that the grass always looks greener elsewhere. Most of my male friends who left relationships or marriages out of boredom a.k.a "being with someone who felt like their best friend" ----were later sorry, missed it, and did'nt take it well when the woman went on to meet/marry someone else. You also need to think about how you would feel if you both divorced and another man was taking on a father-type role under your child's roof.

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 06-09-2004, 08:58 AM   #17
    Salinas1
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Mar 2004
    Posts: 548
    Salinas1 HB User
    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    From what you have stated:
    …your wife is your best friend,
    …you rarely fight with her,
    …you are usually civil,
    …you have recently had good sex with her,
    …you two share the joy of a child you created together.

    The way I see it, you have more going for you than many married couples that do think they love each other.

    If you have decided to stick it out, you sure as heck seem to have a reasonable basis to create many happy opportunities. Since you are staying in the marriage, focus on all those things you have that many other "in love" couples don't have. Devote yourself to the quest of loving your wife. You will have plenty of time to achieve this.

     
    Old 06-09-2004, 08:59 AM   #18
    fredrolin
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: May 2004
    Posts: 74
    fredrolin HB User
    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SophiaM
    Ok, Fred, let's get it straight: what is it you're seeking? .
    not necessarily in this order:

    1. the power to make my own decisions

    2. a woman that likes the things I like and I am attracted to.

    3. a home that I feel comfortable in and is in the same condition when I get home as when I left.

    4. fun and excitement

    5. low stress, worry and aggravation

     
    Old 06-09-2004, 09:02 AM   #19
    Ninispjc
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Mar 2003
    Location: Western USA
    Posts: 1,757
    Ninispjc HB User
    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by fredrolin
    I have heard a million times "your daughter will be hurt more if you stay in the loveless marriage than if you divorce".

    My wife and I rarely fight, and are very civil to each other. We are not "in love" but she is my best friend and we get along quite well.

    I grew up in a household in which my father was a drunken maniac who verbally abused my mother, brother and I. At age 67 he is sober now but a miserable person leading a pitiful existence. He is dying for a drink but due to medical problems it would kill him.

    Our household is very comfortable and any problems between my wife and I are kept behind closed doors.
    I think everyone's situation is unique. My parents are still married after what, I guess 41 years, but I wish they had gotten divorced many years ago. They are both so miserable it's not funny, and all my mother has done for as long as I can remember is ***** about what a rotten husband my father is/was, and how unhappy she is and how much she wished she could just get away. But even if you and your wife are much more discreet in your unhappiness, please don't kid yourself. You daughter knows more than you give her credit for. I always felt like a mistake, but not because my parents divorced, but because my parents never got to have the lives they wanted because they were stuck with me and my brothers and we're the reason they couldn't leave and be free. They both have expressed regret at having children and allowing that to keep them stuck in a very unhappy situation. My mom was always so harried or depressed or busy that she never really had time to tend to anything but the most essential stuff. We were fed, clothed, and our homework was done, but that's about it. My dad was never around period. To this day, I think I probably would have had a much happier life, I probably would be happier today, if my parents had been stronger and had gotten divorced and found real happiness and shared that happiness with me. See, when you're not happy, you have no happiness to share with your children, and to me that's the greatest gift you can give your kids, not sacrificing your life on some alter like a marter, but happiness. Don't you think your daughter deserves to grow up in a home where she sees an adult male-female relationship with laughter, hugs and kisses, holding hands, companionship, commradarie, romance and true love? How is she going to know how to go out into the world and find that for herself if she has no idea what it looks like? In my opinion, it doesn't matter whether you argue in front of your daughter or not. Sooner or later she will sense that neither of you were ever happy, and you chose to be unhappy and never try to go and find real happiness because of her. It's also just my opinion, but I think someone so concerned about morality would not have had casual sex with a woman he knew he didn't love. There is no 100% foolproof form of birth control, so any time you have sex, you risk getting a woman pregnant. But your daughter is here now, and you have to do what you feel is right by her, but it's just my personal feeling that generally staying in a situation that makes you unhappy and leaves you wishing for much more than what you have, doing that for someone else usually doesn't work out the way we think it will. But you also mentioned that you don't believe there's anything else out there for you. I suggest maybe you should examine that a little more. It seems that's the real reason you don't divorce. If it were me, and if I decided to stay in the marriage I would make sure my daughter knew it was because of the choice I made,b ecause I ultimately wanted to tay in the marriage, not for her, but for myself and for the sake of my wife and my family. I wouldn't ever, overtly or covertly, lay that trip on her that mom and I never loved each other but we stayed together just for you. I myself have to live with that burden my parents gave me and I hate it. I would never give that burden to any kid of mine.

    Last edited by Ninispjc; 06-09-2004 at 09:09 AM.

     
    Old 06-09-2004, 09:03 AM   #20
    fredrolin
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: May 2004
    Posts: 74
    fredrolin HB User
    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by vintagegirl
    You also need to think about how you would feel if you both divorced and another man was taking on a father-type role under your child's roof.
    Believe me, this is one of my main concerns and fears if I left my wife.

    and Salinas1, thanks I liked the advice in your post.

     
    Old 06-09-2004, 09:07 AM   #21
    Salinas1
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Mar 2004
    Posts: 548
    Salinas1 HB User
    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by fredrolin
    not necessarily in this order:

    1. the power to make my own decisions

    2. a woman that likes the things I like and I am attracted to.

    3. a home that I feel comfortable in and is in the same condition when I get home as when I left.

    4. fun and excitement

    5. low stress, worry and aggravation
    All right, what in the heck are you doing, then? You state all the reasons you will not get divorced. Then when asked what you are seeking, you provide a list of things, none of which can be found in your marriage.

    1. You have the power to make your owns decision, you just rationalize why you can't.

    2. If your wife does not like what you like and are attracted to, you can make a decision to find someone that does.

    3. If you do not feel comfortable in your own home, set some rules for the occupants and enforce them. This would be accomplished by making a decision and not wavering from it. You have the power to make decisions despite what you state.

    4. When you find that fun and excitements train, send me a ticket.

    5. Stress, frustration, and aggravation will kill you. You may not be around for your daughter to benefit from your no-divorce credo, if you don't change that attitude/perception you keep close to you.

    Last edited by Salinas1; 06-09-2004 at 09:09 AM.

     
    Old 06-09-2004, 09:10 AM   #22
    eightball61
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Dec 2003
    Location: ma
    Posts: 9,600
    eightball61 HB User
    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by fredrolin

    1. the power to make my own decisions
    Can only be done single. Being married is a team thing meaning you share.


    Quote:
    Originally Posted by fredrolin
    2. a woman that likes the things I like and I am attracted to.
    That is Common interest and you can find that places where you like to go but you have to be single to meet these girls


    Quote:
    Originally Posted by fredrolin
    3. a home that I feel comfortable in and is in the same condition when I get home as when I left.
    Have to be single and start a new relationship because you ain't happy in this home. As for as keeping it the same way as you left then you are have to do your time in cleaning also because you wife ain't the maid.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by fredrolin
    4. fun and excitement
    Have to be single and you see the light that brings you to the excitement.


    Quote:
    Originally Posted by fredrolin
    5. low stress, worry and aggravation
    Have to be single.


    *See the trend I am trying to make?

     
    Old 06-09-2004, 09:15 AM   #23
    SophiaM
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    SophiaM's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2003
    Posts: 5,529
    SophiaM HB User
    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Salinas1
    All right, what in the heck are you doing, then? You state all the reasons you will not get divorced. Then when asked what you are seeking, you provide a list of things, none of which can be found in your marriage.

    1. You have the power to make your owns decision, you just rationalize why you can't.

    2. If your wife does not like what you like and are attracted to, you can make a decision to find someone that does.

    3. If you do not feel comfortable in your own home, set some rules for the occupants and enforce them. This would be accomplished by making a decision and not wavering from it. You have the power to make decisions despite what you state.

    4. When you find that fun and excitements train, send me a ticket.

    5. Stress, frustration, and aggravation will kill you. You may not be around for your daughter to benefit from your no-divorce credo, if you don't change that attitude/perception you keep close to you.
    That is exactly right. That's what I noticed too: Fred is just contradicting himself. How can your wife be your best friend but you don't feel comfortable in your own home, nor do you feel empowered to make decisions? How can you say you have a peaceful marriage where you never fight and are civil, and then say you're seeking a stress-free and aggrevation-free life? If you don't fight, she's your best friend, and you're getting along so great, what exactly is stressing, aggrevating, and frustrating you so much? Can't you see the discrepancy here? And yes, Salinas is right, practically ALL the things you say you're seeking cannot be found in your current marriage.

    Last edited by SophiaM; 06-09-2004 at 09:16 AM.

     
    Old 06-09-2004, 09:37 AM   #24
    fredrolin
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: May 2004
    Posts: 74
    fredrolin HB User
    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SophiaM
    That is exactly right. That's what I noticed too: Fred is just contradicting himself. How can your wife be your best friend but you don't feel comfortable in your own home, nor do you feel empowered to make decisions? How can you say you have a peaceful marriage where you never fight and are civil, and then say you're seeking a stress-free and aggrevation-free life? If you don't fight, she's your best friend, and you're getting along so great, what exactly is stressing, aggrevating, and frustrating you so much? Can't you see the discrepancy here? And yes, Salinas is right, practically ALL the things you say you're seeking cannot be found in your current marriage.

    I keep most of my aggravations inside. I let my wife make the decisions.

     
    Old 06-09-2004, 09:39 AM   #25
    fredrolin
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: May 2004
    Posts: 74
    fredrolin HB User
    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by eightball61
    Have to be single and start a new relationship because you ain't happy in this home. As for as keeping it the same way as you left then you are have to do your time in cleaning also because you wife ain't the maid.

    I was referring to my 23 year old "rent free/do no chores" stepson.

    And I do 80% of the household chores now.

     
    Old 06-09-2004, 09:43 AM   #26
    Ninispjc
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Mar 2003
    Location: Western USA
    Posts: 1,757
    Ninispjc HB User
    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by fredrolin
    I keep most of my aggravations inside. I let my wife make the decisions.
    This I think is a common mistake among men. They think if they just take all their negative feelings and stuff them deep down inside they can hide them and not deal with them. But all that aggravation and frustration and unhappiness, it doesn't just disappear. It goes somewhere, and whether you are aware of it or not, it comes out some way. It can also affect your health such as cause ulcers, heart disease, high blood pressure, and other physical health problems.

     
    Old 06-09-2004, 09:44 AM   #27
    fredrolin
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: May 2004
    Posts: 74
    fredrolin HB User
    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Ninispjc
    . In my opinion, it doesn't matter whether you argue in front of your daughter or not. Sooner or later she will sense that neither of you were ever happy, and you chose to be unhappy and never try to go and find real happiness because of her.


    It's also just my opinion, but I think someone so concerned about morality would not have had casual sex with a woman he knew he didn't love. .

    Well if I did get a divorce my daughter would believe that her whole family live as she knows it has been a sham.

    I had low morals 10 years ago; I was a horny dog looking for one night stands when I met my wife, but that's another topic.

     
    Old 06-09-2004, 09:48 AM   #28
    eightball61
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Dec 2003
    Location: ma
    Posts: 9,600
    eightball61 HB User
    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by fredrolin
    I was referring to my 23 year old "rent free/do no chores" stepson.

    And I do 80% of the household chores now.

    I dont understand...Why are you so unhappy then???


    You don't want to divorce nor try anything else. Do you even know why?

     
    Old 06-09-2004, 09:54 AM   #29
    SophiaM
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    SophiaM's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2003
    Posts: 5,529
    SophiaM HB User
    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by fredrolin
    I keep most of my aggravations inside. I let my wife make the decisions.
    Ok, so since you've made the decision to stay with the wife, your next goal should be to minimize the gap between what you have and what you're seeking as much as possible. Don't LET your wife make all the decisions. You have to start somewhere. If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting. We've already been through this. Don't sit there and be passive and tolerate her slacking son and do 80% of the chores. Don't suffer in silence. There is nothing noble about being a martyr. I heard this phrase somewhere and I really like it "Martyrs are only liked by the lions." Something like that. It's funny but true. Is your wife even aware how miserable you are and what is bothering you? Have you told her all the things you told us? Have you had a talk with her son and told him "listen George, you're 23 years old and we don't mind helping you out but if you want to live in this house, you will need to start cleaning up after yourself. It's either you do your part of the chores and clean up after yourself, or you need to find your own apartment where you can be as messy as you want." How 'bout that? YOu've got to start somewhere. Start making some decisions and stop just being a pushover who suffers silently. Your wife and her son will respect you more if you get some backbone. What's the worst thing that can happen if you were to stand up for yourself? What are you afraid of? That she'll beat you up?

     
    Old 06-09-2004, 10:02 AM   #30
    Ninispjc
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Mar 2003
    Location: Western USA
    Posts: 1,757
    Ninispjc HB User
    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by fredrolin
    Well if I did get a divorce my daughter would believe that her whole family live as she knows it has been a sham.
    Well, in a way, it is a sham. You don't have a marriage in the sense of what most people think of when they think of a marriage. It's a matter of either trying to hide the truth from your daughter for as long as you can, or being honest with her and yourself. Look, I know it may not seem like it, but I'm really not trying to change your mind. I'm just saying that from what I can tell from your posts, you seem to think that you can hide the fact that your marriage is a loveless, empty one from your daughter forever, and I just don't think that's very realistic. One way or another, some day, some way, your daughter will come to realize that mom and dad never loved each other the way most married people do. And some day, some way, you're going to have to help her deal with that.

     
    Closed Thread

    Related Topics
    Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
    I need some advice fast - divorce goes through in 2 weeks farceur66 Divorce & Separation 15 11-14-2010 07:35 AM
    My Mental divorce with ex (kids involved) wwhitwi Divorce & Separation 5 12-24-2009 10:24 AM
    Wife decided to divorce me itsmylife Divorce & Separation 74 06-30-2006 11:54 AM
    Dating someone who is going through a divorce? Gaguy Divorce & Separation 17 03-26-2004 03:30 AM




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:27 PM.





    © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!