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    Old 06-09-2004, 10:28 AM   #31
    MiffyBunny
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    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    I agree with Ninispjc. I know my parents are together because of me and it is such a burden. I am 21 now and when I was younger I used to hide and cry a lot because I knew they didnt love each other and I was the reason that they are together.
    They dont argue and get along pretty well, but I always knew that at least my mom wanted another kind of life but she loves me so much that she just gave up.
    I am glad to have my parents who love me so much but hurts me to see them unhappy.
    A year and a half I went to the psychologist because I was depressed and I realized that situation had affected me very much. I remember my psychologist telling me that it was their choice to stay together so that I dont feel guilty and burdened.
    Itīs up to you and your wife to stay together ot separate, but sometimes an amicable divorce is better than staying together and not being happy.
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    Old 06-09-2004, 10:30 AM   #32
    maak823
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    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    I think you need therapy- a good counselor would be a great benefit to you - see if your wife will go with you.

    You are contridicting yourself and creating your own misery- only you can control this- if you want control- then make a decision and stand by it.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by fredrolin
    I keep most of my aggravations inside. I let my wife make the decisions.

     
    Old 06-09-2004, 10:32 AM   #33
    eightball61
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    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by MiffyBunny
    I agree with Ninispjc. I know my parents are together because of me and it is such a burden. I am 21 now and when I was younger I used to hide and cry a lot because I knew they didnt love each other and I was the reason that they are together.
    They dont argue and get along pretty well, but I always knew that at least my mom wanted another kind of life but she loves me so much that she just gave up.
    I am glad to have my parents who love me so much but hurts me to see them unhappy.
    A year and a half I went to the psychologist because I was depressed and I realized that situation had affected me very much. I remember my psychologist telling me that it was their choice to stay together so that I dont feel guilty and burdened.
    Itīs up to you and your wife to stay together ot separate, but sometimes an amicable divorce is better than staying together and not being happy.
    So fredrolin where does this leave your decision now. You love your daughter but what are you willing to do?

    Miffybunny sorry to hear but I hope this are better now for you.

     
    Old 06-09-2004, 10:39 AM   #34
    GirlHarley
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    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by fredrolin
    Well if I did get a divorce my daughter would believe that her whole family live as she knows it has been a sham.

    I had low morals 10 years ago; I was a horny dog looking for one night stands when I met my wife, but that's another topic.
    ummmm
    What in heavens name do you know what your daughter WILL believe?
    Maybe the sun is getting to my head but your daughter will believe what she is taught - that BOTH parents love her.

    I am now seeing you are using your Daughter for your lack of low self esteem, lack of confidence and blaming her in your own sort of way, why you are living your Sham of a life. You continue to agrue everything that has been presented to you, you continue to say you will stay in your loveless no respect marriage for the sake of your daughter, but yet HOW miserable you are but...but....Because of Your daughter - You place your shame and guilt on your innocent little daughter.
    You have also continued to mention how being 40 you don't want someone else's baggage when perhaps you have been speaking all along about yourself.

    You asked for advise and damn....You have been given the best advise from so many wonderful people here on this board and you continue to agrue against what advise has been given....

    THEN, my friend, What is it you want to Hear from US? Let me know so my next post will be a Sham and I will tell you what you want to hear.

     
    Old 06-09-2004, 10:42 AM   #35
    maak823
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    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    GH-
    AMEN!!!

    I am total agreement with what you said here- he is looking for someone to sympathize - its not happening.

     
    Old 06-09-2004, 10:45 AM   #36
    eightball61
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    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    GH~ I second notion that

     
    Old 06-09-2004, 10:45 AM   #37
    fredrolin
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    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    Sophia: Is your wife even aware how miserable you are and what is bothering you?

    Fred: yes.

    Sophia: Have you told her all the things you told us?

    Fred: some of it.

    Sophia: Have you had a talk with her son and told him "listen George, you're 23 years old and we don't mind helping you out but if you want to live in this house, you will need to start cleaning up after yourself. It's either you do your part of the chores and clean up after yourself, or you need to find your own apartment where you can be as messy as you want." How 'bout that?

    Fred: no I haven't talked to him. I am forbidden to. Even though I have been around for the last 10 years, I have never been allowed to disipline HER son.
    I have never made an effort to be a father to him, so my wife feels I have no right to make any decisions concerning him. Her son was 15 when I moved in with them and we never got a father/son type thing going and never will.
    My wife fears charging her son rent or making him do chores. She feels that will make him move out. My wife has a real problem with the thought of her 23 year old baby bird leaving the nest. She doesn't realize it is hurting him.
    My wife also feels guilty that we can now afford to do so much for our daughter (buy her things, family vacations, etc.). When my wife was raising her son alone they were always flat broke. So she goes easy on him now to try and make up for it.

    Sophia: What's the worst thing that can happen if you were to stand up for yourself?

    Fred: an arguement.

    Sophia: What are you afraid of?

    Fred: years ago I tried to change and stand up for myself. My wife went and saw a lawyer about a divorce.
    Once she found out that she would have to pay me alimony (since she earns more) and help me pay for getting my own place, she figured it was easier to keep me. But she would do it if she had to. I didn't want to divorce and hurt my daughter so I wimped out.

     
    Old 06-09-2004, 10:49 AM   #38
    fredrolin
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    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by GirlHarley
    THEN, my friend, What is it you want to Hear from US? :
    The easiest solution that will cause the least pain for all involved.

     
    Old 06-09-2004, 10:50 AM   #39
    maak823
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    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    Here it is- the root of the problem- you lack self confidence in yourself and are trying to use the excuse of your daughter as a way to get out of confronting your wife.

    You said it yourself - "She would do it if she had to"

    It could very well be that she is a controlling person and has manipulated you for so many years that you are now unable to make a decision because you have forgotten how to.

    I could be very wrong here- but seems to me that you should seek marriage counseling if you truly want to stay in this marriage- or you are going to spend the next 10 years of your life being very miserable and regretting not having made the right decision when you are 50 instead of 40.

    Sophia: What are you afraid of?

    Fred: years ago I tried to change and stand up for myself. My wife went and saw a lawyer about a divorce.
    Once she found out that she would have to pay me alimony (since she earns more) and help me pay for getting my own place, she figured it was easier to keep me. But she would do it if she had to. I didn't want to divorce and hurt my daughter so I wimped out.[/QUOTE]

     
    Old 06-09-2004, 10:53 AM   #40
    eightball61
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    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    Fred you came her for advice but you are fighting what we are telling that is best. If you believe staying is the best then it should be left as that..Right?

     
    Old 06-09-2004, 11:00 AM   #41
    SophiaM
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    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by fredrolin
    The easiest solution that will cause the least pain for all involved.
    I think you want us to say that you should get a mistress on a side? Is that what you wanted to hear?

     
    Old 06-09-2004, 11:01 AM   #42
    Keen17
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    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    Just a bit more to chomp on and chew, your daughter will be affected if you stay or leave the marriage. Children are sponges, they pick up on EVERYTHING, just not coherantly....they pick up your shame, guilt, anger, depression and internalize it to be their fault and if it's not talked about they will keep it with them and it will transform into some other type of disfunction in their own relationships when they get older.

    Also, not showing any problems in front of your daughter isn't such a good thing. When she gets older she won't know the proper way to argue, or she will have a false sense of what aruments mean in a relationship. Children learn how to do nearly everything about relationships from their parents by watching and internalizing.

    Eather way she will be affected. You just need to know which way is more of a bennefit, there will be cons to both.

     
    Old 06-09-2004, 11:05 AM   #43
    GirlHarley
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    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Keen17
    Just a bit more to chomp on and chew, your daughter will be affected if you stay or leave the marriage. Children are sponges, they pick up on EVERYTHING, just not coherantly....they pick up your shame, guilt, anger, depression and internalize it to be their fault and if it's not talked about they will keep it with them and it will transform into some other type of disfunction in their own relationships when they get older.

    Also, not showing any problems in front of your daughter isn't such a good thing. When she gets older she won't know the proper way to argue, or she will have a false sense of what aruments mean in a relationship. Children learn how to do nearly everything about relationships from their parents by watching and internalizing.

    Eather way she will be affected. You just need to know which way is more of a bennefit, there will be cons to both.
    Very Good Post.

     
    Old 06-09-2004, 11:11 AM   #44
    GirlHarley
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    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    OK, I'm done. This "baggage" lady is grabbing another Beer and heading outside by the Pool.

    Fred - I summons you - You Can not Get a Divorce.
    You can not have a Mistress.
    You will follow the rules set forth by your wife because She is who you married, made those vows and commitment and to HONOR.
    You are to Honor your Wedding Vows.
    You are not allowd to be happy but you must put on a front for the sake of your daughter or else she will feel Much Pain in her future years.
    You are to put whatever you have left in you for self worth or self esteen in the back of your head, stop thinking selfish and Make your Marriage Work for the sake of Your Daughter, because after all Her happeness is to come before ANYTHING or Everything you have ever been taught.

    Lastly, your right, I have been lying to you - Every 40+year old man and woman has so much crap of baggage going on in their lives - you couldn't possiblity want to get yourself with anyone of this age.

    OK, I'm really done - This Bud's For you, I have to go back and join my beautiful, 35 - 40+ yr old girlfriends, who are...damn, laughing and having a good time by my pool.
    Ciao everyone.

     
    Old 06-09-2004, 11:16 AM   #45
    SophiaM
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    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    Oooh, it's so damn hot outside! Can I come too, GH? Pleeeeeeease? I'll bring a sixpack of Coronas. With lime!

     
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