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    Old 06-09-2004, 05:20 PM   #61
    soulster
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    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    Fred,

    Is your wife inlove with you? I dont think you have mentioned that. and if she is not, then the only reason she is not divorcing is becuase of alimony? There has got to be more than that from her side.. than just alimony. pople dont function like that.

     
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    Old 06-09-2004, 05:21 PM   #62
    Red Velvet
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    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    Fred,

    I have been reading your posts from the beginning, but didn't really know how to advise you. So here it is straight forward. You need to stand up for yourself. If your wife divorces you because of it (as she has threatened to before), than so be it. That is her decision, and you cannot control her. YOU ARE LETTING HER CONTROL YOU. This is a bad example to set for your daughter , because she will learn that men will always back down, and they don't. If you are this unhappy, leave. You may not like this answer, but you are not even in a friendship marriage. If your wife was your friend, you would feel comforable telling her how you feel. I also stress about everything, and have major medical problems stemming from stress at my young age. I am currently in a relationship where my boyfriend sees me as an equal. I was previously in a relationship where my boyfriend controlled me through my emotions---cause he knew I didn't like conflict. I cannot even express in words for you how much happier I am in my current relationship.

    I know you want to do what's best for your daughter, but you have your own life...you cannot live for her. She will feel the burden, and have a harder time becoming an individual...and perhaps be at home at 23 like your stepson... but out of guilt. Trust me, I am now in a conflict with my own father on this very issue of guilt. Please take care of yourself. Remember the old saying--You cannot love someone else unless you love yourself first. It sticks around because it is true.

    After all your posts, this is the only advice I can give you. Other posts have already mentioned more than once my other opinions.

    Start looking out for YOU!

    RV

    Last edited by Red Velvet; 06-09-2004 at 05:25 PM.

     
    Old 06-09-2004, 05:56 PM   #63
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    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by soulster
    Fred,

    Is your wife inlove with you? I dont think you have mentioned that. and if she is not, then the only reason she is not divorcing is becuase of alimony? There has got to be more than that from her side.. than just alimony. pople dont function like that.
    Sometimes they do. After one year of marriage my father asked my mother for an annulment. Since she had just had my brother (he was a honeymoon baby) and she was a good Catholic girl and refused to say the marriage never happened when there was a child, she had to refuse an annulment. My father didn't want to pay alimony so he refused to consider divorce. They had two more children under this situation. I questioned my father about this once as an adult and he acknowledged what a mistake it was to have remained married and had my other brother and me. So you see, I don't really think it matters whether you stay married or get divorced as far as your daughter is concerned. If you love her and live your life in celebration of her then she won't feel like a mistake no matter what happens in your marriage. If you sacrifice your happiness and be a martyr and regret the choices you made for her benefit, she will feel like a mistake whether you stay married or not.

     
    Old 06-09-2004, 06:57 PM   #64
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    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    I THINK... that Divorce is wrong. People need to seriously consider the consequences of their actions BEFORE they do something like, get pregnant, and get married just for that reason or rush into marriage. Just because you get pregnant isn't really a good reason to get married. Marriage SHOULD be a lifelong commitment, through the good in bad, until one or both passes away. Our society has made it so easy to get divorced, and people get divorced for all kinds of silly things. You don't love your wife? Why on earth did you marry her? And if you say you loved her THEN.. but fell out of love.. you never were in love to begin with.

    I think it's really sad. Broken marriages and homes make a bigger impact on people's lives than we think. My parents divorced after almost 6 years of marriage and 3 kids. It was a stupid reason, but they thought it was enough. Any marriage can work, and the couple CAN be happy, if you WANT it to. Of course if you don't want it to.. it won't work.

    I'm sure many people will disagree with me. I'm not out to change the world, or make everyone think like me. That is just my convictions, and what I believe is right.

    Last edited by FaithfulyWaiting; 06-09-2004 at 07:03 PM.

     
    Old 06-09-2004, 07:38 PM   #65
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    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by fredrolin
    The easiest solution that will cause the least pain for all involved.

    The way I see it, you have two choices.

    1. Bloom where you're planted.

    2. Get out.

    Anything else is a sellout, for you, your daughter and your wife.

    No more whining! Choose!

     
    Old 06-09-2004, 07:43 PM   #66
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    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by flygirrll
    The way I see it, you have two choices.

    1. Bloom where you're planted.

    2. Get out.

    Anything else is a sellout, for you, your daughter and your wife.

    No more whining! Choose!

    Short & sweet....Good i suggestion in very little words...

    This is what he needs to do is make a choice. He clearly stated that he doesn't want a divorce and he is against it so in a way he made his mind up but now its time to stop the whining if you don't wanna hear the truth...

     
    Old 06-09-2004, 09:04 PM   #67
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    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    Yes, I TOTALLY agree as well. There are many married couples out there, some that have come on this board that say they love their spouse but never were inlove with them... BUT they say it is okay, it was thier choice, they are happy.... because for one they do love thier spouse, they have an oppurtunity to grow and prosper, and they love the kids they created together... all in all they are happy. So I think you should stay in it as the other post said "bloom" or get out... anything short of that is not fair to your kids and wife. Hello, she, your wife, is a human being... what makes her anyone less worthy of your love, you are by no means extraordinary yourself, are you?

     
    Old 06-10-2004, 12:43 AM   #68
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    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    Fred, I think you need to learn that HAPPINESS IS AN INSIDE JOB (There is a book with this title). No one else can make you happy, you have to find that within yourself. It all comes down to that old saying someone else mentioned... You have to love yourself before you can love someone else. I would bet that at this point, even if you divorced and some super model woman of your dreams who loved all the same activities you do came along and professed her love for you, you would still find fault with that relationship. People do have the tendency to believe that "if I just get this promotion" or "if I buy a new car" or whatever, then they will be happy. Wrong! You talk about constantly being stressed out and aggravated... Have you seen a counselor or doctor about this? Maybe an anti-depressant or anti-anxeity medication would help you.

    As for your daughter viewing herself as a mistake- NEVER refer to her that way. When my son is old enough to ask about his existance (I was never even married to his father) I plan on telling him that he was a "surprise" and I am so glad I was blessed to have him. "Surprises" are good, "mistakes" or "accidents" are bad. Tell her you wanted to give her the best life, and that included both of you as parents finding your own seperate paths to happiness.

    And I would have to agree with most of the others' postings here:

    STOP WHINING AND MAKE A DECISION. Then do your best to make it work for your daughter AND you!

     
    Old 06-10-2004, 11:55 AM   #69
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    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    I agree with all of the advice you have been given by Girlharley, Salinas, and Sophia, as well as all the other posters. You are a chicken. An unhappy chicken, but a chicken nonetheless. You have no intention (at least right now) of doing anything other than moaning and whining about your situation WHICH YOU CREATED.

    Do not EVER refer to your daughter as "a mistake!" You having sex with a woman you did not love was a MISTAKE. Your now-wife becoming pregnant was an ACCIDENT. The child that resulted was a SURPRISE. My brother and I were both beach-trip SURPRISES.....not planned, but not anything they would ever regret. It's not your daughter's fault you stayed in a loveless marriage and made bad decisions. It's yours.

     
    Old 06-10-2004, 12:08 PM   #70
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    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by newlywedgurl

    Do not EVER refer to your daughter as "a mistake!" You having sex with a woman you did not love was a MISTAKE. Your now-wife becoming pregnant was an ACCIDENT. The child that resulted was a SURPRISE. My brother and I were both beach-trip SURPRISES.....not planned, but not anything they would ever regret. It's not your daughter's fault you stayed in a loveless marriage and made bad decisions. It's yours.

    Her NWG

    Nice way to come back and set the record strait

     
    Old 06-10-2004, 01:32 PM   #71
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    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by eightball61
    Her NWG

    Nice way to come back and set the record strait
    Yeah, that was good, Newlywed. How are you doing, BTW? How's it going with your husband?

     
    Old 06-16-2004, 04:39 PM   #72
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    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    I personally don't think this guy even thinks he is doing the right thing by staying married...he is probably as miserable as sin and wants everyone else to tell him he is being a martyr by being the greatest daddy on earth and sticking around.

    I say let's hear a big round of applause for the condom!! You see contraception was invented so as not to throw two people together in the kingdom of parenthood who were not destined to be together. However in your case, that's all hindsight.

    Let the woman go ok? You don't love her, she doesn't deserve to be tied to someone who doesn't love her either. You will eventually grow to detest each other, no good ever comes out of relationships like this

     
    Old 06-16-2004, 06:28 PM   #73
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    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    its never good to get married if you dont love the person. It never lasts. My bf was young and dumb. he got his girlfriend pregnat and then they got married. Well that lasted 4 years. Their daughter is fine, the only thing she wishes is that they were still a family so daddy wouldnt let mommy yell at her, but thats a whole nother story. ANyways shes fine ciz she sees everyone equally and knows that mommy and daddy are much happier now.
    Your just going to hurt her and yourself staying when you not happy anyways, children sence when theres tension

     
    Old 06-16-2004, 08:03 PM   #74
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    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by fredrolin
    I now feel that by getting a divorce if will show my child that her parents don't like each other and that her existence was a mistake. That would hurt and I am sure this is something many children with divorced parents feel.
    Why would divorce show her that her existence is a mistake? Her existence had nothing to do with your marriage. She was created OUTSIDE of your marriage. Your marriage neither confirms nor denies her existence. She exists because you and her mother had sex. That's it.

    To put the entire weight of your marriage on this little girl is unconscionable. Grow up, take responsibility for your own life, and quit trying to find other things to blame for the mistakes of your life. What kind of a burden are you placing on your girl when she finds out you stayed in an unhappy marriage just for her? Now it's her fault that you have continued in a miserable marriage and had an unfulfilled life?

    You are unhappy and afraid to do anything about it, and looking for a way to justify doing nothing - by claiming a higher purpose (it's immoral to divorce, I'm staying to prove my daughter's meaning in life...).

    Stay or leave - but be honest with yourself as to why you are doing either.

     
    Old 06-16-2004, 11:58 PM   #75
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    Re: why divorce is morally wrong

    Yah know, My father was mentally, physically, and verbally abusive to both my mother, sister, and myself, and my mother stayed married to the *******, hoping things would get better, trying to have a "family", because she loved him, and after 10 years, she left, and it was the best decision she ever made for our "family."
    Kids aren't stupid, and as much as stuff goes on behind closed doors, they still know. They can tell by the way mommy and daddy act towards each other.
    So, basically, don't do your kid and wife any favors, just hanging in there, thinking you're contributing to their stability or some crap. I saw more stuff form the time that I was 5 to 10 then any kid should have to see, and if my mother would have stayed, then THAT would have been morally wrong, not my parents divorce.
    This guys just probably afraid that he can't survive on his own, b/c he probably doesn't know how to. Gain a clue, and grow some nuts man!

     
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