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Any advice on going through a divorce?

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Old 10-11-2004, 05:12 PM   #1
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Angry Any advice on going through a divorce?

I took the divorce papers back today so they can be filed and delivered. This morning I talked to my huband and we spoke nice to each other and he said "I really do not want you to get a divorce but I understand if you have to but I don't want to be divorced from you" Then this afternoon I spoke with him about me not wanting a divorce because he can not quit drinking and everytime is the last time he will drink and everytime I give him another chance and he blows it and I told him this....well he got irrate and said "just get the f*** divorce and hung up on me and I called his brothers house where he is staying and he picked up the phone and hung it back up again. One minute he wants to stay together the next he's gung ho on a divorce. IT's so confusing as it is having children with this man. I have given him so many chances and you would think he would be more sincere in asking me NOT to go through with it. Is this a game? Is there some kind of stratgy that I am not getting? I have stuck by his side through him getting someone else pregnant right before we got married and I stuck by him through alcoholism and his lying and him losing jobs. I am really mad that I am being treated like this. How dare he give up and act like he doesn't care after how strong I was by his side. What all do I get to look forward to going through a divorce. Our children are 4,3,3. Are there more games to come?

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Old 10-11-2004, 05:23 PM   #2
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Re: Any advice on going through a divorce?

From what you've said about him, it sounds like there are more games to come. Stick to your guns, don't let him push you around. The two of you need to put the children first and try to keep it clean. Don't drag each other through the mud. Good luck to you!

Old 10-11-2004, 05:28 PM   #3
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Re: Any advice on going through a divorce?

Boy sister, can I relate! I am HAPPILY divorced and have been for 2 1/2 years. I kicked my ex out and filed for divorce when my youngest was a month old. I also had a two year old. My ex went back and forth with agreeing to the divorce and then begging me to stay. He was a mama's boy, a cheater, a liar, a manipulator and I used to think he was being sincere when he was just playing me like a fiddle to get his way. As if in his mind he was controlling me. After my second son was born and he went out on a "date" the night I was in the hospital with our second child and my mother had our toddler, I had enough and made up my mind that after I was feeling better, he was out.

Now my ex didn't have a drinking problem, but I can tell he likes to play games with you. You will be better off being divorced. I won't lie, being a mom of two young boys isn't always easy, but their dad has come around to be a better father than he ever was a husband. We get along and can actually carry on a conversation like two friends would. There are still the times when we argue, but for the most part we get along well.

The hardest part is starting over, but believe me, it will get easier. When I was deciding if this was the right thing to do, I knew staying with him and having a bad marriage would be the worst situation to raise my boys in and I would much rather them have parents that get along ... even if seperate ... than two that fight all the time and don't love each other. They have adjusted well, and the youngest doesn't know the situation to be any different. He has grown up only seeing his dad every other weekend and it hasn't effected him emotionally.

I am a much stronger person now and in a relationship with a wonderful man. Keep your chin up and remember that anything he says...take it with a grain of salt.

Best of Luck!


Old 10-11-2004, 05:45 PM   #4
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Re: Any advice on going through a divorce?

No offense, but after all the things you said you went through with him, he sounds like he just may be a pretty crummy guy. How could you possibly expect more from him???Im sure at times he may have seemed sweet, but I dont see many redeeming qualities with him (ive read your other posts). Yes, it will be ugly, most likely. Do yourself a favor and dont EVER stoop to his level. Be strong for you and your children, and when he gets angry dont respond, when he wants to argue, or fight, DONT. You didnt earn his respect by standing by him, you let him be this way. Its not your fault hes like this, its not your fault he drinks, but you have given him reason to think you WILL tolerate his behavior. I wish you the best of luck. As a mother, I feel for you. Take care.

Old 10-11-2004, 05:59 PM   #5
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Re: Any advice on going through a divorce?

Thanks girls. I can stand strong through this but I really hope there is light at the end of this tunnel, such as having a home for my children that part scares me. He doesn't take care of his other children (2) by two other woman so I am pretty sure in time he will forget about mine and that's hard to swallow. I am worried about finding another man in the future, I think this one prettty much ruined me.

Old 10-11-2004, 07:25 PM   #6
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Re: Any advice on going through a divorce?

You are NOT ruined. I felt that way too, sometimes. I have "issues" I am trying really hard to work through, so I can be a better wife. I found someone who loved me despite my rocky past and knew I had been through alot. these bad experiences can help to shape you in a positive way, you know. They dont have to "ruin" you. I totally referred to myself with that very word. But now Id like to think IM more strong than traumatized. You and your kids will be okay. Things will work out. I have to believe that too when things get really bad, and inevitably, things DO work out. Even after Ive said to myself "I cant see ever getting over this and being OK". And also remember, after we have the lowest of lows, we appreciate the highs so much more.

Old 10-12-2004, 04:46 AM   #7
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Re: Any advice on going through a divorce?

I went through a similar situation as yourself, 6 yrs.ago. I was married for 18 an alcholic. we have four children together. I thought about leaving him the last four yrs.of our marriage. I couldn't leave w/four children. where was I going to go? I had no job because I was a stay at home mom, raising my kids. he's 12 yrs.older than me. I got married at the young age of 19 and never worked, no college education either. there are soooooooooo many woman out there like ourselves. I wish there was someplace or someone that could help woman like us. Social Services make it impossible to get any help from them, even if we're dirt poor. We can't go to a shelter because no children are allowed in a shelter. I wouldn't want to go there anyway.
There has to be something to make it easier. Maybe we should start something.
My husband wasn't abusive to me or my children. I just couldn't stand to have a drunk around me stumbling around and he didn't keep up with his responsibilites around the house. things wouldn't get done after awhile, then he started doing cocaine. he went to detox 3 or more times, and NOTHING works. Your man will not get better unless HE wants to. Even though you want to hear the words from him.
It's hard to let go when your frightened and you don't know what your future will be like. there is no security. I've learned that every human being needs security in order to survive healthy and to keep a sane mind. without that, we feel threatened.
I would go ahead with the divorce if I were you. just get your courage and remember all the things he's done and it shouldn't be hard. Don't think of the few times he's been sweet and just trying to butter you up. We want to believe they'll stop, so we search for the words we want to hear. we'll even twist them around to hear what we want to hear. I went from one alcholic to the next. I'm not married again and don't want to at the moment. I'm living with a boyfriend who drinks to excess too. It's ridiculous. I can't believe I got caught in the same web again. It's me. I must be attracted to people like this. the funny thing is,when I first started dating my boyfriend, he didn't drink heavily. He is now and it's out of hand. he just told me yesterday that he'll stop for awhile because he knows it's upsetting me and causing more stress in my life. I told him I was going to take out the stress in my life because I can't live life like this again, so he said He will remove the stress by stopping drinking. I don't believe him. He's done this before. I was always looking around to see if he was sneaking it, always afraid that maybe this would be the day he decided to drink again. So I never really was at ease when he wasn't drinking either. I think the best thing for me would be to leave him and get on with my life. but guess what? I can't! I'm a prisoner in my own home. because with the 467.00 a week that I make, it's not possibly enought to afford a 3-4 bedroom apartment that costs $1,500 and more a month for rent. My oldest son works a part time job and goes to college, he can't afford to help me. there is no help for me either. I'm stuck. even If I were to get another job. I can barely make it now with my energy level. I don't want to be one of those woman who look for men who have money and a house and take care of them financially. I want to learn to be self sufficient. But life won't let you around where I live. I happen to be born in the most expensive county in the area. It's close to NYC so the rents are going to be sky high. I'm at the end of my ropes.
I apologize for this lengthy reply. As you see, I have ALOT of anger within. I am ready to explode. I hope that what ever path you choose to go, that you will find peace and happiness. sometimes we have to work at it. I miss being happy and I don't want life to pass by me without me noticing how really beautiful this world can be.
Good luck,
you can write me anytime.
Linda S.

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