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  • my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

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    Old 02-18-2005, 05:36 PM   #16
    littletiger
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    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    Your first job is to get a good attorney. As a suggestion look for one that had experience with family law. If you are seeing a counselor that's a great person to ask if they know of any good attorney. It is then your attorney's job to take care of you financially. It is then your counselor and your job to to take care of your mental well being.

    I have to say I am divorce and that strategy of hiring the right team really helped me cope. Thus I could take care of healing my wounds.

     
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    Old 02-19-2005, 12:38 PM   #17
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    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    Hi all...this is all still so new, and I'm still trying to cope here. Things that are happening now seem so inconsistent with him telling me he wants a divorce. For one thing, he's being nice to me, extra cordial and civil. Plus, he is also still occassionally calling me by my pet name, and even seems to be extra caring. For example, this morning I woke up and started making the bed (he is still sleeping on the sofa downstairs). He came up and asked me if I wanted him to make french toast, that he hadn't eaten yet. (He would once in a while make breakfast on the weekends when he wans't busy.) So, I said ok, and when it was done he called up the stairs to me using my pet name to tell me it was ready.

    Plus, our daughter spent the night at her grandparents house, but he doesn't seem to be using any opportunity to speak to me about filing for divorce, or moving things along. Yet, he isn't using any opportunity to try to get close to me, or fix things. I'm just so confused. All of this is tricking me into believing that he may still change his mind. Here are a few of my thoughts as to why he is like this....let me know if you agree, or add your own thoughts if you like....

    1.) He is doing this just to keep things cordial and comfortable.
    2.) He knows I am on anti-depressant and anti-anxiety meds right now due to this situation and doesn't want to upset me further...wants to keep me calm for future upsets like our eventual divorce.
    (Also, he wants me to feel better mentally and physically so I can get a job and work, and start moving the process along)
    3.) He really IS feeling a weight off his shoulders and comfortable with this situation since he spoke his choice out loud to me on Valentine's Day.
    4.) He is acting like this because maybe he's changing his mind and wants to see how it goes before saying anything.

    Of course, the last choice is what I'd want deep down, I think, although it would take a lot of work to save the marriage after all this. I don't want to approach him and talk about this. We have counselling again on Tuesday. Please give me your thoughts, those of you who have been kind enough to read all of this! Thanks.

     
    Old 02-19-2005, 12:53 PM   #18
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    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    One other thing....he wants to divorce me, YET he's asking me what I plan to do about dinner, he's asking me to trim the hairs on the back of his neck, he's calling me to let me know he's coming home, or to see where I am, he's chatting with me about his day and what's going on, and he's letting me do his laundry. Granted, he DID say that if I didn't want to do those things, he understands, when I sarcastically asked him if I'm still expected to do things for him. (laundry and cooking) Does this sound like a man who wants a divorce?? Or, am I not supposed to misread these things? Yet, sleeping on the sofa, and saying he wants a divorce are the exact opposite behavior. I am SO confused, if I haven't mentioned it before. What do you all think?

     
    Old 02-19-2005, 01:00 PM   #19
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    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    Dee....I think that the reasons he is acting this way has to do with a combination of the first 3 options you listed. I know that you would hope for #4 as someone who still wishes for the marriage to work out.....but he is obviously on a different page or he never would have aksed for a divorce in the first place??? To bring this up with him will only cause you to lose what's left of your dignity. You may wish to comment on the use of the pet name and his overniceness as not necessary under the circumstaces....not in a nasty way but in a way that shows your strength in dealing with the shock of it all. Do not give yourself false hopes...if he has changed his mind in regard to the divorce he will let you know. Be the same wonderful person you've always been....and if he doesn't bring up the divorce you may have to in regards of getting on with life. Disclose to him bits of information that show that you are going to insure you get our fair share and ask him when he is meeting with his lawyer next and see how he reacts. The look on his face or the way he answers wll allow you to see which of the reasons you stated are driving him most. Remember we are here for you....Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 02-19-2005 at 01:12 PM.

     
    Old 02-19-2005, 01:10 PM   #20
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    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Sugar64
    One other thing....he wants to divorce me, YET he's asking me what I plan to do about dinner, he's asking me to trim the hairs on the back of his neck, he's calling me to let me know he's coming home, or to see where I am, he's chatting with me about his day and what's going on, and he's letting me do his laundry. Granted, he DID say that if I didn't want to do those things, he understands, when I sarcastically asked him if I'm still expected to do things for him. (laundry and cooking) Does this sound like a man who wants a divorce?? Or, am I not supposed to misread these things? Yet, sleeping on the sofa, and saying he wants a divorce are the exact opposite behavior. I am SO confused, if I haven't mentioned it before. What do you all think?
    Dee....you should stop doing his laundry and trimming his hair .....tell him he has asked you for a divorce and thus your wifely duties are over, unless he is rethinking his decision. If my husband came home on Valentie's Day and asked me for a divorce and was sleeping on the couch....he woud be cooking, cleaning, cutting my hair and doing hall the laundry because he was earning his room & board not doing the right thing in having a legal separation. You may want to bring this up with him and tell him that for your emotional well being he may want to stay elsewhere so you can get use to not having him around and what being divorced is going to be like. Divorces can take some time and unless there is a chance of reconciliation i believe it is best or all if he found other accommodations..where he can cook his own meals, cut his own hair and do his own laundry. What do you think???.....Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 02-19-2005 at 01:11 PM.

     
    Old 02-19-2005, 01:13 PM   #21
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    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    Thanks Goody....I'm trying to just take it a piece at a time. If it's the first three options, it's hurting me, but I have my dignity too, as you mentioned. I already tried begging and pleading, on Valentine's Day, when he told me. It's just going to take a lot for me to get past the fact that I offered to do anything, or accept things as they are in order to save the marriage. I'm hoping I get stronger and see that this will be better for me without him. A part of me can also admit that if he offered to move out and leave me the house and my daughter, I'd say, go right ahead. Get the hell out. I know I sound confused, I'm sorry. Also, neither one of us has seen a lawyer yet. I still have an appointment with one next week for a consultation. If it happens, it's still his choice and I want to be compensated fairly.

     
    Old 02-19-2005, 01:26 PM   #22
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    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    you are getting good advice here - he can afford to be pleasant at this point, he is getting what he wants, and except for sleeping on the couch, he is still pretty comfy, complete with laundry service and barbering. Don't demean yourself by being nasty, but being very, very polite can get the message through also! Tell him to hire a maid if he wants housekeeping duties, and either by a cookbook or start eating out. If he wants to eat, he can cook too. Sorry to be so harsh, but I am not terribly sympathetic to men who want to run out on their families. I hope things get better for you soon

    Last edited by genster; 02-21-2005 at 04:57 AM.

     
    Old 02-19-2005, 03:29 PM   #23
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    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    Here is another thing that REALLY helped me- Keep a daily journal.
    This is very important.

    Write EVERYTHING you are feeling and thinking. Every tear. Every emotion. Every lesson to be learned will never be forgotten if you do this. This experience will bear a price. Avoid becoming bitter over this and learn as much as you can and never forget what you learn. That's what a journal can do for you. You'll never regret.

    Wish I could help more.

     
    Old 02-20-2005, 01:49 PM   #24
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    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    Thank you all for continuing to add such kind words. I did actually start writing about everything that's been happening, even before he told me he wanted a divorce. (By the way, he's still not pushing the issue, and he's been nice to me, we haven't even fought. But I know not to trust it and I'm trying not to get my hopes up). I have a feeling I'll be posting here a lot too, because it does help me feel better...so, thanks.

     
    Old 02-20-2005, 02:01 PM   #25
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    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    Dee...You're going to be all right, you are strong and going to get through this all fine. He's being nice because he wants to insure a frienly relationship for the sake of your daughter...and that is a good thing. Try to do this yourself. Have you thought about how & when you will be saying something to your daughter??? Does she have any idea about what is going on??? And do you think emotionally you can go one living in the same household knowing that the divorce is certain???? As time goes on it may get to be more difficult....what do you think???? I know it is all new but these may be issues ou may nee to discuss with your husband.....Goody

     
    Old 02-20-2005, 04:32 PM   #26
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    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    Hi Goody...well, he mentioned once last week about telling our daughter, but I got upset and he dropped it. In my mind, telling her would make it more of a reality, and I don't want to upset her anyway, until things go further. She has had issues with anxiety disorder in the past, too. As far as living here with him until this goes through, it already is hard, especially with him still calling me by my pet name, and I know it may get harder. But so far, he's given me my space, and it's a big enough house to get away from him if need be. He seems to spend a lot of time doing his own thing anyway. One of my biggest gripes in recent years has been the fact that he spends almost every night at his karate school, after working his full time job during the day, never eating dinner here, always seeming to put that school and the people in it before me. He was even in the habit of not going up to bed with me, just falling asleep in his favorite chair in front of the tv, and me having to struggle to wake him up to get him to go up with me. I'm getting off track here, just telling more of my story, but....so far, he hasn't brought up the issue and nothing more has been discussed. I just dread it, though.

     
    Old 02-20-2005, 04:48 PM   #27
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    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    Yes...telling your daughter will make it more real...but do be careul to not wait too long so that she doesn't make it out in her mind to have something to do with her. Reassurring her that the two of you love her and will make it your priority to be involved in her life will be vital to her emotional well being.

    Hang in there and know that we are all here for you...Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 02-20-2005 at 06:24 PM.

     
    Old 02-22-2005, 05:31 AM   #28
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    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    Well, we're going to counselling tonight, although if this is still what he wants (and he hasn't told me otherwise), then I don't see the point. I've been thinking over some things recalling how much I've been deprived of in this relationship over the years. One thing....he never used to tell me he loved me and then he started 3 years ago, after we were having problems and he realized I felt he didn't love me, and it was important to actually say it. So, he made the effort. Now lately, he doesn't have to tell me anymore, and I was thinking, he must've been saying it the last 3 years and not really wanting to, or feeling it enough to say it, just doing it to make an effort somewhere. I want someone to look me in the eyes and feel it, to say it without having to remind themselves to, to be emotional and loving like I am. Well...that was just my thought for the day. Thanks for letting me get this stuff out. I'll let you know how counselling goes tonight.

     
    Old 02-22-2005, 08:38 AM   #29
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    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    Hang in there Sugar. It 's a tough spot you're in right now, but things will change with time. Good luck with the counselling - it should help you feel like your are doing something, if not help with the situation

     
    Old 02-23-2005, 06:56 AM   #30
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    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    Good luck Sugar. You are in our thoughts and prayers. It will get better.

     
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