It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Divorce & Separation Message Board

  • my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 02-23-2005, 07:12 AM   #31
    goody2shuz
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: May 2004
    Location: New York
    Posts: 5,805
    goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    Hi, Sugar Just wondering how the counselling went last night. Did it make anything clearer to you or your husband??? I know it's been a week since he asked for the divorce....do you see it as a definite thing now??? I know these are questions you are already asking yourself, and painful ones, but I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. Please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers....Goody

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 02-23-2005, 09:58 AM   #32
    Sugar64
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    Sugar64's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2003
    Location: USA
    Posts: 250
    Sugar64 HB User
    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    Hi Goody...thank you for being here for me. Yes, it's a more definite thing now, and counselling was difficult last night. He is still of the opinion that this needs to be done, the marriage can't be saved, and he needs to do this "for himself." I was crying and in shock all over again, hearing this. He told the counsellor that we really hadn't discussed the situation at home, mostly because he's been trying to be understanding of my feelings and because I'm on meds right now to help me cope. But he said we should move forward with things and not let them get stagnant, in other words saying he wants a divorce and then never taking the steps to make it happen....he wants to move forward. But he only told me a little over a week ago. We haven't even told our daughter or seen an attorney yet. I have my own consultation with one tomorrow, that I have not told him about yet...I said in counselling that I still want to go to one individually, even if this is an amicable divorce...he had no argument with that. Meanwhile, I am also still trying to find a job, in the middle of all this. Now, I am feeling that I can't wait for this to be over, to end the pain, but I know that and the divorce itself will be a long process. Today is a renewed day of panic and stress for me...even with the meds, which I've only been on for a week. God, help me.

     
    Old 02-23-2005, 10:11 AM   #33
    goody2shuz
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: May 2004
    Location: New York
    Posts: 5,805
    goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    Hi, Sugar While the counselling may seem to you to have not been productive...it was in the sense of answering some of the questions you ahd in your mind in terms of how to read his actions over the weekend. Now you know that the divorce is real and it is time for you to move forward in the sense of seeing that you get what is fairly yours by seeking counsel (which you have already done) and then pushing forward to insure that you emotionally support your daughter through this. I would definitely advise you to suggest with your husband that you sit down together soon with your daughter to discuss the divorce with her. Keep it simple and tell her you will be working out the details of how often she is with each of you so that it will be as fair a situation for her first and with each of you as well. Perhaps since she is 13 you can ask her what her feelings are in terms of living arrangements and reassure her that you intend on keeping her in the same school with the same friends and have this affect her as little as possible.

    In regard to your getting a job.....do not overstress yourself...in fact your counsel may advise you against doing so until financial details are set for your divorce. Bring this up tomorrow to see what your counsel advises about your seeking further employment. Your physical and mental health are what's most important now. Do you think your husband may use your emotional state against you in terms of custody???? If so...you need to get yourself in as much a stable state as you can.....that should be your first priority.

    Take things one day at a time...you are strong and a good mother. Focus your energies on being just that, and as always, know that we are here.....Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 02-23-2005 at 10:13 AM.

     
    Old 02-23-2005, 10:39 AM   #34
    Sugar64
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    Sugar64's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2003
    Location: USA
    Posts: 250
    Sugar64 HB User
    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    Thank you for your reply, Goody. I'm hoping that my husband wouldn't do such a thing as use my emotional state against me, especially since I have a long history of generalized anxiety and panic. In terms of where my daughter's primary residence would be, he has already, as I've stated in one of my posts, said that he primarily helps her with her complicated homework assignments (!!!!!!) and that she spends a lot of time at karate with him. He can also use the excuse that in his main job, his hours are VERY flexible, where he can work at home a lot, and does, whereas the jobs that I have worked have had schedules that have not allowed me to be flexible in that way. He is a long-time goverment employee, and he literally sets his own schedule, doesn't have to go into an office from 9 to 5, he has had a lot of freedom and flexibility. I also know that my daughter's preferences will be taken into consideration, since she is 13. But she is so immature emotionally, I don't even think she'll be able to process all of this. She may even end up looking at this as a big adventure, spending part of her time with him, and part of her time with me. I'm already trying to prepare myself for the hurt I'll feel if she says she wants to live with him, based on things like who will let her do what she wants and who won't, or where she'd want to live. I'm really projecting my "what if" thoughts here. On the job situation, I do feel panicked about that, but know it may not even be in my best interests to be trying to find full time work until everything has been divided, agreed upon and settled. But I do want to work and start somewhere. Anyway, that's the latest.

     
    Old 02-23-2005, 12:14 PM   #35
    GirlHarley
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    GirlHarley's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2004
    Posts: 1,580
    GirlHarley HB User
    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    Hey Sugar, I'm coming on board alittle late - but you have wonderful support here and many to advise you in the right direction as well as help you cope with this devastating news....I'm so sorry for what your husband has done and requested...WOW...20 years!


    OK, First of all, continue to take the Xanax / As Needed.
    Paxil will not kick in for at least another 4 to 6 weeks.

    Please FIND a good, solid, with references lawyer - ASK around, have your sister help you - RIGHT now it's About YOU and what you need - Support from your FAMILY and Friends, forgetaboutit being a burden - Your marriage has been taken away from you from the man you love. You have been with him as you said half your life - Forget about the friendly crap right now, you can be Friendly but not friends at the moment - Girlfriend, your heart has been broken, what was once a life has been shattered - BUT......There is a life after divorce regardless of what age and how it ends - It will get better one day at a time - You will be on an emotional rollercoaster and you have every right to be. You can and will be friends one day but right now go with how the mood hits you each day....You are entitled to your feelings as your husband is entitled with his...

    FORGET about finding a job for now and focus on YOU......If your husband has been supporting you all these years - ha ha the court will continue to allow him to do so - along with your daughter. Unless your a drug addict, abusing your child or mentally unstable the court will grant YOU custody.

    Take a deep breath, relax, take each day at a time, the unknown future may have surprises for you - what was once a "planned,known future is now a scary unknown one but It's Your life and you can make it anyway you want...
    Take Care....

     
    Old 02-23-2005, 12:25 PM   #36
    littletiger
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Nov 2004
    Posts: 131
    littletiger HB User
    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    At least he is going to counseling. Try to be patient. I remember going to counseling thinking it would solve the problems of my relationship at that time. In the end it just made it more obvious that the problems were very deep rooted and might require a lifetime of hard work. In the end the relationship was ended. It was very painful. I do hope that you have better experience with it than I did. Please do let us know.

     
    Old 02-23-2005, 01:29 PM   #37
    ForgottenFaith
    Veteran
    (male)
     
    ForgottenFaith's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2002
    Location: LA,CA,USA
    Posts: 397
    ForgottenFaith HB User
    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    You should really sit down with your daughter and tell her of your and your husband's situation. Delaying the inevitable might not be the best approach. When are you going to tell her, days before the divorce? That would make it all the more difficult to comprehend and it would be devastating.

    Last edited by ForgottenFaith; 02-23-2005 at 04:08 PM.

     
    Old 02-23-2005, 02:56 PM   #38
    Sugar64
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    Sugar64's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2003
    Location: USA
    Posts: 250
    Sugar64 HB User
    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    Littletiger...sorry you had a bad experience, it's always painful. I know it will be, even though it's supposed to be amicable. I think the counselling now will be both individual and couples, and my husband is giving me the definite impression that it won't be to save the marriage....he said it again last night in counselling. Thank you for sharing.

    Forgotten...no, we're not going to wait until days before the divorce to tell our daughter. It only happened a little over a week ago, and we've been processing our own emotions since then. Plus, I wanted to be as sure as I could be that this was what he wanted, and that counselling wasn't going to change his mind before needlessly upsetting her. We'd only gone to one counselling session before he decided he wanted a divorce.

     
    Old 02-23-2005, 04:41 PM   #39
    littletiger
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Nov 2004
    Posts: 131
    littletiger HB User
    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    You sound like you are doing well. I hope that it really is amicable. Sometimes things get out of control when emotions are involved.

    As for me my life really is better now then when I was with the man who I went to counseling with. All except my love life. I just can't seem to get that part right.

    So for now I am doing my own thing and trying to keep moving forward.

     
    Old 02-25-2005, 08:26 AM   #40
    goody2shuz
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: May 2004
    Location: New York
    Posts: 5,805
    goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    Dee...you should have met with your attorney by now. Just wondering how you are and how everything went....and of course remind you that we are here for you if you should need......Goody

     
    Old 02-25-2005, 04:29 PM   #41
    Sugar64
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    Sugar64's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2003
    Location: USA
    Posts: 250
    Sugar64 HB User
    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    HI...yes, I did have my consultation with an attorney yesterday. It took 5 hours! She spent so much time with me, and I think I got a real education on divorce and how things could possibly play out for me in support and what I'm entitled to. To make a long story short, she said my next move would be to wait until he sees a lawyer or files for divorce, then I call her to put her on retainer. I told her about how he wants to use one attorney to handle the divorce, and she told me that any attorney who doesn't want to lose his license will not represent people like that in a divorce, Even if it's amicable. She also assured me that I would be taken care of, that the law is set up to protect people like me. I did feel a little better after talking to her, and we'll see what happens next. She told me not to rush to get a full time job, that I want to be as available as possible for my daughter to be sure of shared or full custody, if that's what I wanted. She said if I chose to, I could stay in my house, but I haven't really completely decided about that yet, either. My husband was actually nice about it, asked me if I went to see a lawyer yet, gave me the money for the consultation, and talked to me decently about it. She told me not to give him any details that she gave me, so I didn't. He was making a big fuss that the consultation took 5 hours, and then about the fees we're going to have to pay (or HE'LL have to pay) and I said, you know what YOU wanted this divorce, so this is what's involved! I still feel like a nervous wreck, though.

     
    Old 02-25-2005, 04:50 PM   #42
    littletiger
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Nov 2004
    Posts: 131
    littletiger HB User
    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    If I was you I would pay the retainer. Otherwise you may loose your ability to retain that lawyer. If you don't need it the money will be refunded to you.

     
    Old 02-25-2005, 05:45 PM   #43
    SophiaM
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    SophiaM's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2003
    Posts: 5,529
    SophiaM HB User
    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Sugar64
    My husband was actually nice about it, asked me if I went to see a lawyer yet, gave me the money for the consultation, and talked to me decently about it. She told me not to give him any details that she gave me, so I didn't. He was making a big fuss that the consultation took 5 hours, and then about the fees we're going to have to pay (or HE'LL have to pay) and I said, you know what YOU wanted this divorce, so this is what's involved! I still feel like a nervous wreck, though.
    YOu are absolutely right: HE wanted the divorce and now HE has to deal with all the unpleasant consequences of it. Don't be fooled by the fact that he seems to be "nice." So what? He didn't call off the divorce so that means that he still wants to proceed with it. He might want to act "nice" in order to get the most of your cooperation. I am no expert at divorce, but having ONE lawyer to handle it seems fishy to me. If you like the lawyer you saw, keep her. You should definitely have your own lawyer looking out for YOUR interests. Remember, you also have a daughter to think of, so please don't hesitate to get the best deal out of it. You were a GOOD wife and you are now entitled to the best for yourself and your daughter. I am a product of divorced parents, and just because my Mother was too nice and too proud to want to deal with my father in court, we got stuck with the WORST possible deal and an alimony that was so ridiculously small, it wasnt' enough to buy me a pair of jeans per month! And my father was making very good money at the moment and I was his only child! My mom did take good care me financially, to the best of her ability, but it was still tough and I was still poor compared to my friends who had two parents. I now think her pride was foolish and she was really stupid not to fight for what she and her child deserved. Don't make that mistake here.

     
    Old 02-25-2005, 06:55 PM   #44
    littletiger
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Nov 2004
    Posts: 131
    littletiger HB User
    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    My experience says the only time they are nice is to get themselves a better "deal". Afterall they only do things when there is something in it for them, right?

     
    Old 02-26-2005, 04:58 PM   #45
    Sugar64
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    Sugar64's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2003
    Location: USA
    Posts: 250
    Sugar64 HB User
    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    Well, today was a really bad day for me. I thought by posting, I'd feel a little better, so here I am. My situation is stressing me out to the point of crisis today. I again feel hopeless, and like I don't want to be living. I talked to everyone I could to get me through it, and now I'm here. I feel like I'm a bad person, that I'm worthless, that there's something wrong with me. When my husband came home and found me feeling like this, he talked to me and told me there's no reason to feel like that, that I have to keep it together and stay stable for my daughter, that this is going to turn out the way I want to, with a fresh start and a new chance at life. Easy for him to say, since he wanted this divorce. He even said that nothing much is going to change other than that we won't be married anymore, and there's no reason to feel hopeless. I kept crying and saying I don't want to be living anymore, and that I even talked on the phone to a crisis center today. I've been on meds for anxiety and depression for less than 2 weeks now, on a low dose, so I don't think they've fully kicked in yet. My husband also told me I need to keep it together because I don't want it to affect custody of my daughter...right away I looked at that comment as a threat and said so to him, but he said he is concerned about it affecting me through other people's eyes, how I'm feeling, and being able to care for our daughter if I'm feeling hopeless and like I don't want to live. I know I have to get it together...it's just that sometimes I feel better and positive about things and other times, I don't. I know I'm going through a transition period right now, and my husband said he will probably go through his own, even though this was his choice. So please...talk to me everyone who's been reading this, and give me your strength...thank you.

     
    Closed Thread




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:59 PM.





    © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!