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    Old 02-27-2005, 06:35 PM   #61
    goody2shuz
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    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    Dee....good to hear you in better spirits....and you are wise to see a psychiatirst....you should be regulated by a professional and the counselor has given you a wise phrase to carry you throuhg the tough spots. Make a copy of it and post it wherever you need to see it...Goody

     
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    Old 02-28-2005, 10:22 AM   #62
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    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Sugar64
    My counsellor told me to remember this phrase, and I've been trying to, because it has a lot of meaning behind it...piece by piece. In other words...one day at a time.
    Hi sugar
    My phrase is "This is not the road to Damascus" - referring to St. Paul seeing an angel when he was going to Damascus. He underwent instant conversion to Christianity. I do not use it in a religious sense, beyond reminding myself that I can only change things one step at a time, not the whole thing all at once. It is a reminder to me not to put the pressure on over my pace, as long as I am making some progress, who cares whether it be fast or slow???

     
    Old 02-28-2005, 07:11 PM   #63
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    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Sugar64
    You guys are all so sweet, thank you. Tonight I feel better than last night. I know I'm going to have bad days like yesterday. Tomorrow, I'm still going to get a referral to a psychiatrist because I'm a bit nervous being on drugs like paxil and xanax without a qualified doctor talking to me and regulating them. And then I have counselling the next night. My counsellor told me to remember this phrase, and I've been trying to, because it has a lot of meaning behind it...piece by piece. In other words...one day at a time.

    Good plan...I agree with this and with Goody 100%. But please don't feel guilty about taking those medications...you have legitimate and serious anxiety and depression, and you need to treat that as you would treat any medical problem like diabetes or high blood pressure. Hopefully you will find a good psychiatrist who will be good to talk to and recommend some ways to cope in addition to the meds. I have to see one for my chronic pain--it was giving me terrible anxiety--and he's really nice, sweet, and gentle. He always makes me feel better and is teaching me about relaxation exercises, meditation, and cognitive behavioral therapy. I am so incredibly lucky to have the world's most caring, concerned, helpful, kind, and flexible doctors (especially since my pain condition is so rare that the last 10 doctors I saw before this couldn't hellp!). Anyway, it's really important to have an excellent, competant psychiatrist who you like and trust to help you deal with these issues. I would recommend the Mayo Clinic personally--they're amazing, but I know that's not practical for most people.

     
    Old 03-02-2005, 05:30 PM   #64
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    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    Hi all...I had to pull up this thread again so I could update (sorry). Well, I'm gathering my support...I'm seeing my counsellor (for the obvious), my psychiatrist (for the meds), my family doctor (to check up on me), and I've also found a divorce support group I may join. My husband asked me if I wanted to keep the option open to go to couples counselling with him as well, (to get us through this). All of that is covered through our health insurance, but the support group I found isn't, and they charge $40 a week. He balked at that a little, saying I have all this other support and we can't afford it, oh, but that he's not telling me I can't go, just maybe not every week. (!!!!) I said, well if you hadn't placed me in this most difficult and stressful time in my life, I wouldn't have to worry about it, now would I? 'Nuff said on that!

    He also informed me that he's putting money aside to pay for our attorneys fees. I'm still not working, but I've put my resume out to different places I'd like to work, and I have a few interviews set up. I'm still not going to be pushed to get a full time job right now. He was even kidding with me that he's putting money aside in case he needs to buy furniture because he knows I'm not letting him take my stuff, and I joked right back that he can take his favorite chair and he laughed. Nice that he can joke about this, when just talking about it rips my heart open at times.

    Anyway, that's the latest. Hope you're all doing well.

     
    Old 03-02-2005, 08:18 PM   #65
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    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    Sugar....it sounds as if you are doing all the right things. Yes, I agree....the support group will help and will not be a forever thing...but it will help you out when the going gets tough.

    I am so happy to hear the life back in your voice You will have your ups & downs but in the end your strength ( which you have an abundance of ) will see you through. Once again, I remind you that you have friends here who will carry you through....Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 03-02-2005 at 08:18 PM.

     
    Old 03-04-2005, 07:02 AM   #66
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    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    Hi...bad morning here, I'm in another panic. Talking to my husband doesn't help. It sems to me like he's asking me a lot of questions about what I'm doing about my job situation, under the guise that he's trying to be supportive and helpful. (and I ahve been going out and looking for work) But this morning, he mentioned something about getting full time work because I'll need the health benefits, that legally, he won't be able to cover me anymore once we're divorced. I know this and know that eventually I may have to work full time. I also have heard of situations where an agreement is worked out in the divorce where the wife is covered for a certain amount of time until she gets a job and has her own benefits. I didn't tell him that the attorney I consulted with told me not to even try finding a job yet, to stay available to my daughter, etc. But listening to him this morning put me in a panic, because here I am with all these health issues (anxiety, depression), on meds, and under the care of a physician, psychiatrist, and counselor, and here he is reminding me I need a full time job because I won't be covered under him anymore! I started crying and getting hysterical and he said he was only trying to guide me and give me advice. Am I crazy, or what? I feel like I'm back to square one as far as panicking and feeling scared.

     
    Old 03-04-2005, 07:14 AM   #67
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    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    Dee.....Calm down and please take the pressure off of yourself to get a job. Your attorney and counselor both gave you the advice you need and that is where you should seek comfort at this time. Your husband is saying these things to save him money.....I'm almost certain that he can continue to carry you on his insurance if need be. Check with your attorney regarding this or even call the insurance company yourself and anonymously ask the questions you need answered. Please realize that your husband is pushing you to seek employment in order to decrease his financial obligations to you.....son't allow him to do this.....you shouldn't have to change your lifestyle because he has decided that he is no longer committed to your marriage. The courts are there to protect you and make sure that you and your daughter's lives are not affected by his change of heart. So have faith in that.....take a deep breath and don't allow him to push you into anything you normally wouldn't have done if you had remained married. And tell him so!!! Now if you seek employment for your own personal need, that's a whole different story...but it should be YOUR decision and yours alone.

    Now go relax and have a cup of tea. Go out today and keep busy enough to keep your mind off of things.....Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 03-04-2005 at 07:58 AM.

     
    Old 03-04-2005, 07:54 AM   #68
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    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    Sugar,

    I'm late to your story but I wanted to let you know how badly I feel for you and how much I am sending my "virtual" support your way. I suffer from depression and panic attacks have been on meds for a while now. I took myself off of them recently, wanting to get through a difficult situation on my own but it was the worst thing in the world I could have done. The meds will help.

    This time is about you and getting through this awful situation any way you need to. Lean on your family and friends. They will help get you through this. I once was involved in a very difficult personal situation and was terrified to talk to my family. I finally got up the courage to do it and they amazed me. I don't know if these words help in any way but please know we are here to help and support you through this.

     
    Old 03-04-2005, 07:58 AM   #69
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    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    Thanks, goody, I'm trying to keep all this in mind. I did put a call this morning in to the attorney I consulted with, to ask her some questions about this. It's been two weeks since I consulted with her, and she told me to wait to put her on retainer until he makes a move, which he hasn't yet. I know I'm the one who has to look out for me...I just need some help and guidance, which I'm trying to get, and not from my husband...I look at him as my "friendly adversary" now, who can't be trusted. I just want to get through this, that's all I want.

     
    Old 03-04-2005, 03:51 PM   #70
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    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    Here's a new one for the day. My husband knows I've been going online to this board and another one that was recommended by another member from here, and he told me I need to "stay off those damn boards" because there's nothing but bitter people who tell horror stories about divorce, and who prey on people like me who are emotionally vulnerable. It did no good for me to tell him of the wonderful support and encouragement I've gotten. He assumed (and somewhat correctly!) that people are telling me not to trust him, that he's out for himself, and that he's now my adversary, no matter how amicable he wants things to be. He said I need to not "screw myself up" listening to other people who don't know him, and that it's up to us and us alone to decide if this remains amicable and we don't become adversaries. But even my own sister and step-mother-in-law have told me what some of you have said. I do admit that when I went on that other board, people were saying things to scare me and telling me horror stories, but I think I know how to keep things in perspective. God, I get more and more paranoid every day, it seems.

    Last edited by Sugar64; 03-04-2005 at 03:52 PM.

     
    Old 03-04-2005, 08:09 PM   #71
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    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    Hi Sugar. Well, of course, you hubby wouldn't be thrilled with this 'support' thing because it might turn out harder on him. The truth is, he is the one wanting a divorce and you dind't, so you're not exactly on the same page here, hence you ARE kind of adversaries. He did somewhat threaten you with the custody thing in case you look too mentally unstable, didn't he? THat's proof enough that he's not to be really trusted at this point. I know it's sad and ironic because he was your spouse and someone to trust for all these years, but now it's different. My father actually lied in court about the amount of money he made and even showed them the slips from the months he earned the least, just to be able to pay the least amount of child support possible. Now, you would think he should have been on the same side as my mother, despite the divorce. After all, I was his only daughter/child. I don't mean to suggest that your husband is the same kind of self centered jerk my father was, but still, you want to be careful. That's the least you can do. This man definitely does NOt have your best interest in mind, and therefore you will be wise to try to protect yourself and your child from any kind of emotional, financial, and any other damage you can. Stay strong

     
    Old 03-05-2005, 05:42 AM   #72
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    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    Sugar, Sugar, Sugar,

    Of course your husband is going to tell you we are Bitter People here on the computer, he's telling you alot of things...Because he KNOWS you and knows how to push those buttons...

    At least - Your trying hard not to listen to Everything He has told you.

    Let's not forget, as much as you love him, He is the one who asked for the divorce, he failed you, and hurt you...

    That bullcrap about Health Insurance is just that - He can and WILL carry you on HIS insurance for HOWEVER long YOU WISH, You also have access to his 401K and other investments - As for looking for a job, HONEY - if you can afford to stay home and raise your daughter and HE can support you in his alimony and child support - You sit tight till you are Well Again, Strong, Focus, and Ready...Don't let HIM bully you with words that he is scaring you.

    It won't be a quick divorce, you have to be separated for awhile - work out the child support & alimony and then the final steps towards divorce with the assets when AGREED on by both parties.

    When I went through my divorce, we both worked full time, no alimony for me was not an option, but my ex didn't have insurance - so I carried him for two years. We went to court twice, the first was for custody of our son and child support and the second was for the offical Divorce. We didn't own a house or had any assets at that time (we were both young) but we did have Life Insurance that we had to switch to each own. My divorce only tooked 7 months from the day he moved out. Back then, I thought it tooked forever.

    I had a girlfriend, her divorce tooked 2 years, but they had two children, a home, and alot of assets to be divided and fought over. Everyone is different but you NEED to know your rights, not listen to everything your husband is telling you, after all - he's not going to be your husband anymore so you need to start listening to yourself, your lawyer, and people who have gone through divorces.

    Hope this helps - and I'm not a Bitter Woman

     
    Old 03-05-2005, 06:53 AM   #73
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    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    Thanks for the message. The thing I'm finding frustrating today is that he still expects me to do his laundry, and is still asking me what's for dinner at night! When I sarcastically asked him, oh, am I still supposed to be doing your laundry and cooking for you while you're putting me through this? he said..."well, you don't have to, but I am still paying all the bills." And he made it a point to SUBTLY mention how I'm not working right now, and not contributing to the bills. He says he doesn't mean this as anything bad, just pointing things out. I'm thinking I should stop doing his laundry and cooking for him, (although he does make us breakfast still on the weekends), and tell him, good, then stop paying the bills so you can screw up our lives even more. What is he going to do...ask me for a divorce if I don't do these things for him??? He even had the audacity to say he's worried about how his hair looks because I haven't cut it for him (in 20 years, I've always cut it) and that I'm the only one he trusts to cut it, but he's been afraid to ask me. I told him he'd better find someone else to trust to cut it now. This is unbelievable. Just unbelievable.

     
    Old 03-05-2005, 07:02 AM   #74
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    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Sugar64
    Thanks for the message. The thing I'm finding frustrating today is that he still expects me to do his laundry, and is still asking me what's for dinner at night! When I sarcastically asked him, oh, am I still supposed to be doing your laundry and cooking for you while you're putting me through this? he said..."well, you don't have to, but I am still paying all the bills." And he made it a point to SUBTLY mention how I'm not working right now, and not contributing to the bills. He says he doesn't mean this as anything bad, just pointing things out. I'm thinking I should stop doing his laundry and cooking for him, (although he does make us breakfast still on the weekends), and tell him, good, then stop paying the bills so you can screw up our lives even more. What is he going to do...ask me for a divorce if I don't do these things for him??? He even had the audacity to say he's worried about how his hair looks because I haven't cut it for him (in 20 years, I've always cut it) and that I'm the only one he trusts to cut it, but he's been afraid to ask me. I told him he'd better find someone else to trust to cut it now. This is unbelievable. Just unbelievable.
    Dee.....your husband has said to you that he no longer wants to be a part of your life.....why in God's name are you cooking, doing his laundry and cutting his hair???? let the man see what life is going to be without you. and if he brings up issues like the money....tell him when you are divorced that he will be paying the bills through alimony and child supprt so that now is the time he needs to see what life as a man who wanted a divorce is like. Do not do anything for this man....you do not owe him anything....he wants out...you just make sure that his relationship with your daughter is intact and not another thing. The rest of the worrying will be up to him, Just think of it this way....you may be cooking his meals and cutting his hair and making life easy so it's easy until he finds another woman to do these things for him so long as you keep it up!!!! I think you should seriously ask him to find a family member or friend to stay with.....make his stay with you uncomfortable and if he talks about expenses just tell him that he made his bed it's time for him to lay in it ...Goody

     
    Old 03-05-2005, 07:28 AM   #75
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    Re: my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope?

    Just popping in here - I have been thru a divorce and can't imagine having to live with him under the same roof - as Goody suggests - is there some way to have him leave the house and stay somewhere else? His constant presence is not giving you the space and time to clear your head ......or maybe him leaving would make things worse for you????? Only you can decide this - its at least worth looking into somehow - Elle

     
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