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Sugar64 12-29-2005 08:35 AM

the never-ending divorce nightmare of my life
I've been going through a divorce since February of last year. It's been a nightmare, and the terrible things he's done to me since then have really taken a toll on me. I can't even go into detail here. However, I've finally found some peace and happiness. I'm out on my own, I've met a wonderful man who I plan to marry as soon as my divorce is final, and I can see light at the end of the tunnel...a possibility of happiness FINALLY. This is the man I wish I'd met and married 20 years ago instead of my soon to be ex husband. The thing standing in the way of my happiness is my stbx. He won't consent to the divorce, when he originally initiated it. I've spent approximately $6100 on attorney fees since the beginning of this, and I've gotten nowhere. I'm now on my second attorney, after firing the first one, who I felt did nothing for me. ALL I WANT NOW is what I'm legally entitled to, which is for my stbx to buy me out of the house we own together if he intends to stay there, and half our marital assets, which isn't even much. I don't want support from him, if he'd agree to stop seeking spousal and child support from me. Oh yes, he has an outrageous earning potential, and I make $11 an hour, and he wants spousal support from me. He also wants child support for our 14 year old daughter, who doesn't even speak to me or see me, and has had her mind so poisoned against me that she has chosen to totally alienate me as her mother. (We're trying to work through that in counseling, though, and repair the wreckage of this divorce). This is the nightmare I've lived so far. So, why won't he consent to the divorce, and let us all move forward with our lives in peace? My attorney tells me it's mostly because he doesn't want to pay me what he owes me, which is half our house and marital assets, and that this is how men act during a divorce. It started out amicable but got ugly pretty quickly, and now I'm the one suffering for it, while he has our house, our daughter, and even the remainder of my personal belongings in the house. No matter what happened between us in our marriage, there's no reason for this, and I fully believe that God will repay him for doing this to me. I also hope that God helps him live with his bitterness and anger, or helps him let go of it altogether. I only want what's legally mine, and to be free of him forever. I have no feelings or emotions for him whatsoever, and am totally ready to move on. Maybe he might even read this, since he was in the habit of posting terrible stories about me here, and the things he's suffered from me, when I'm the one who's truly suffered. Thank you for letting me vent. It's been a long time since I've been able to.

dewdrop333 12-29-2005 10:15 AM

Re: the never-ending divorce nightmare of my life
Well if he has custody of the minor child, regardless of if you see her or not, you are required to pay child support. I can't imagine why you would want to get out of that one given that she IS your child and needs things .. you are her mother and it is your job to help provide them.

As for spoucal support he wont get it unless he was a stay at home care giver for the last I think year or so of your relationship so I wouldnt worry about that.

As for him not wanting to give you the money for the house .. it kind of depends on what the judge thinks. Given that he is the one with custody of your daughter he may let him retain the house ... if you have enough assests to equal that value to liquidate to compensate you the aproximate value. It kind of depends.

I understand that divorce is hard ... it is never easy ... all you can do is wait it out, let your lawers talk through it. Work on your relationship with your child.

If your new man is the one then he will understand that you have to take care of your legal woes first and then be free to start a new life together.

Just my 2 cents

Sugar64 12-29-2005 11:04 AM

Re: the never-ending divorce nightmare of my life
I'm not trying to shirk my parental duties by not wanting to pay child support, I'm just mad that I'm getting screwed over. He would not agree to joint custody, or for me to have primary custody so HE wouldn't need to pay child support. HE is the one playing games to work to his advantage, trying to use our child to get money out of me that I do not have. He can well afford to take care of her financially, since he was the primary breadwinner, making almost 100 G's a year for the last years of our marriage. All the years of our marriage, I only worked part time, so I could cook, clean, do laundry, shop and do chores, and take care of our child. And, I have no problem having them live in the house, since my daughter is not being uprooted from her home or school. I actually have nothing in comparison to him, and I had to start from scratch when I moved out, and have lived on a tight bugdet, all because he wants to avoid his legal obligation to me. But you know what? I'm a stronger person for it, and everything I have is mine, that I worked to pay for. The new man in my life is the most supportive and understanding man I've ever known, in all ways, and is in this with me 100%, helping me get this situation resolved. He would do anything in the world for me, which is much more than I can say for my soon to be ex.

Sugar64 01-11-2006 12:55 PM

Re: the never-ending divorce nightmare of my life
Well, here's an update, not that anyone has bothered to read this but...vent, I will. I got engaged on New Year's Day. It was a huge surprise for me and a very happy one, but I'm so frustrated because we can't even set a date yet or start planning. My next court date with my stbx is the first week in February, so I hope that moves things along a little more. He's just being so unreasonable, and I can't imagine why he'd want to stay married just so he can get out of paying me only what I'm entitled to. It doesn't make sense. Like I said, it's never-ending. Why prolong it? Doesn't he want to move on with his life as well? Why keep paying attornies? My fiance said he'll pay attornies for the next 20 years if he has to, because my stbx has to be paying his as well. How stupid and spiteful, when we could be saving for our wedding, and a house. Thanks for "listening."

Eath 01-11-2006 01:56 PM

Re: the never-ending divorce nightmare of my life
Your ex should be paying you half the market rental for the house. Is your lawyer seeking this?

Divorces are sometimes bitter and long drawn out affairs. The trick seems to be to see it as the winding up of a business contract and work logically and as unemotionally as possible through all the steps.

Wishing you all the best...

TTBABM 01-11-2006 02:36 PM

Re: the never-ending divorce nightmare of my life
I have never understood why (especially when children are involved) divorce's seem to get ugly. My friend just got his finalized, he and his ex battled for 2 years also over money and the kids. It ended up costing each one of them over 90 thousand a piece in lawyers fees(california) and this is fact!!! they lost everything. I guess i am trying to say it could be worse. in my opinion you are doing the right things. in my friends case the more he pushed her the worse it got. hang in there

dewdrop333 01-11-2006 02:42 PM

Re: the never-ending divorce nightmare of my life
My ex and I spent around 60 thousand on our break up. It is expensive and he could be doing it for alot of reasons .. to hurt you ... to hold on to you .. to feel like he is in controle of something that he is clearly not in control of ..

You just have to let it play out. You are going to have the rest of your life with your new man ...

goody2shuz 01-11-2006 02:45 PM

Re: the never-ending divorce nightmare of my life
Hi, Sugar :wave: I am glad to see that finally you have found some happiness for yourself!!! What a turnaround and I am sorry that your STBX is using your daughter as a means of hurting the end he will regret it when as a young adult she begins to see things for herself.

My brother went through a nasty divorce in which his ex wife has done the same and when he went on to do the right thing and looked out for his daughter's best interests while his ex only used her as a means to get to the end my brother seems to have all the love & respect while his ex is still bitter, unmarried, and losing her daughter's respect as well. It's a shame it has to be that way....just continue to love your daughter and try not to talk badly about her dad to the better parent in the sense of respecting that what has happened between you and your STBX is not her fault and separate from her entirely and that he will always be her father and that she will and should have a good relatiionship with him. I hope your husband does come here and reads the responses because if he expects to have the love & respect of a child, he needs to earn it by showing her that despite not being able to continue in a marriage, he is still able to show respect to the mother of his child. That is what your daughter needs to see from both of you.

Also...I think that now that your STBX sees that you have already moved on and found some happiness for yourself while he is still in limbo with his life has alot to do with his not being able to give you the divorce. He wants to be in control of everything and until he needs the divorce he may unfortunately be vindictive enough to keep you from being happy so long as he is unhappy. It's a shame that he is that way....for your daughter's sake and his own, he should learn to be fair and do the right thing. One way or another this will come back to haunt him, in the meantime take care of yourself and your happiness and do not allow him to tamper with it. Remember, he can only get to you if you allow him too.

Yes, treating it in a business type manner would be the best of yourself for this new man in your life and try to focus on that. If your husband wants to blow away enough money that would pay for your daughter's college education by handing it over to lawyers well so be it!! In the end the only one who will win is the lawyer.....and you of course, if you learn to allow this all to bounce off of you. ;) Your STBX's only happiness will be if he acts like a man and does the right thing by you & your daughter. Focus on doing your best to let your daughter know you love her...remembering that actions speak so much louder than words!!! Show her that you love her by being involved as much as possible in her life. And the best of luck with the new deserve some happiness after all that you have been through. :D

(((HUGS))) ~ Goody :angel:

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