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  • help with mentaly il wife (poss divorce)

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    Old 08-04-2003, 09:10 AM   #16
    GaReefer
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    Mudhound, I understand 100% where youíre coming from. My wife is bp, diagnosed around 5 years or so ago. In the past 3 years she's been diagnosed with cancer 3 times, lupus, fibromyalgia and on and on. She's been in and out of hospitals more times than I care to count. Life around the house is always a roller coaster.

    For the past year or so it seems that he problems with BP just keep getting worse. Something has happened, she is now cycling every 4-6 weeks when it use to be about every year. For two weeks she is in bed 16 hours a day, the next week she seems to be ok (all things considered), then gets mantic for the next few weeks. When she gets mantic you never know what to expect from one minute to the next. Just last week she threatened to shoot me, burn the house down and run off with our 3 year old daughter, all by 7:00 am. Sheís attacked me then called the police when I tried to restrain her. Trust me, I know where youíre coming from. I lived the ups, downs and what little is in between for the past five years.

    The divorce issue has come up in the past with us also, actually as recently as last weekend. When she got out of stabilization back in April and I decided to try to put everything in the past and start again. So now four months later not much has changed. She doesnít go to her doctors, sporadically takes her meds (Iíve caught her acting like she takes them and then spits them out). So much for putting things in the past and starting over, I think the problem is that it's easier said than done. Too much water under the bridge I guess.

    I don't feel as though I'm married. It's more like I have two children, a 3 year old and a 31 year old. I live day to day, take care of 95% of everything at the house and work 60 hours a week. To make things even worse is that over the last seven or eight months I've really starting to question what all of this has done to me and the way I act as a result of everything.

    The whole divorce issue to me isn't about love, it's more about just how much I can take. Yes, I know that sounds selfish but it's a reality. I, like you feel as though Iíve reached the point that I can't continue like this anymore. Things never seem to change, just up and down constantly.

    Too many people try to judge you when they don't know the entire story. Some will blast, "your running out on your wife when she needs you the most." You know "in sickness and health". As I've told a few people, I'll trade places for a month and lets see how well they do. So far I havenít had any takers.

    Some on this board are in the same situation. Some have found a balance with everything. My hat goes off to those that have. For those of us that haven't, well, we live in our own hells on a daily basis.

    Good luck with your decision, itís a no win situation for anyone involved.


     
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    Old 08-07-2003, 05:38 PM   #17
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    My wife was just put in host again! The 4th time this year.
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    Old 08-08-2003, 10:37 AM   #18
    NotMyselfLately
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    i'm sorry to hear that mudhound. hopefully they will find something to help her this time. how is she doing now? how about you, how are you doing? i will keep you in my prayers. good luck to you and your wife, and God bless!

     
    Old 08-08-2003, 05:54 PM   #19
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    Mudhound, so sorry to hear you wife in hosp. again. I hope she gets better soon. Please relay to her that she is thought of and prayers are said on her behalf. Keep us posted on any progress.
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    Old 08-09-2003, 03:10 AM   #20
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    As far as I know she is doing fine. I did speak to her last night and the thoughts were not there in her head. This time she wanted to take pills and overdose. So far, she has never taken any action other than having the spoken desire to end her life. Please help. I have friends that tell me (offer advice) that she just wants attention. Well as I understand it any talk of suicide MUST be takes seriously.
    Another person told me that she may want something and may not be able to tell me what it is. Heck fire! She has almost anything she wants in material goods and our marriage is strong. Now her mother was and is still a B**ch; But, she has gotten some better.
    Lastly, some other well-meaning folks have expressed to me to allow her access to a means of hurting herself just to see if she would do it. As of this point, I disregarded that subjection.
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    Old 08-09-2003, 07:50 PM   #21
    whiskey
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    I can only tell you through my own bipolar II experience when I talk of hurting myself I an feeling lonely and rejected like no one cares what happens to me. As for my husband he just says he won't listen to me and that makes things worse because in my mind at that time he is justifying why I no longer want to be here alone. and thus makes me more able to hurt myself or have suicidal thoughts. My thoughts are with you

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    Old 08-10-2003, 01:40 PM   #22
    banjoboy
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    Mudhound,

    I am really sorry to hear your wife is in Hospital again, please tell her that an awful lot of people are thinking about her and wishing her well.

    I don't know about "well meaning" folks but anyone with serious suicidal thoughts is in danger and needs to be kept safe. They also need fairly close observation and Hospital is the best place.

    I mentioned that my Daughter, who has now qualified as a Doctor and has access to many experts, intervened several times. She knew the danger signals and she realised that I had become very withdrawn and was actively researching and planning. She confiscated all threats she could find from my house and pulled strings to get me to a safe environment on several occossions.

    I was admitted 4 times (I think) last year and once this year (Jan - May) for 19 weeks so it can be a long road.

    It may be comfort that given the right medication and therapy I can function pretty well. I am fighting to keep my job (I wouldn't have cared last year, in fact materialism was not in my dictionary). I can argue my case better (and more lucidly) than my Union advisors now.

    I have bad days but never the totally desolate ones and in between is a joy that was missing for so long.

    I have loads of other problems - physical, financial etc. but can start to prioritise and see solutions where there seemed just a dark void until recently.

    A couple of things that have meant BIG changes in my health that you might think about in dealing with your wife's problems:

    - Medication.
    I can't explain how a simple change in medication (and I have had many) can make so much difference to mood. It still amazes me that a few mg of drug can bring such positive results.

    - CBT.
    It is a skill and takes a lot of learning and practice. Recognising the negative (and dangerous thoughts) and applying strategies is hard work but when you realise that you can cope with a lot of things that really got you down previously then the "buzz" is better than most (present partner excepted!)

    - Therapy.
    Group and 1-2-1. I said that my employer allows me 1 day off for therapy and after over 18 months I am starting to think I don't need it (another danger sign ??) but I have so many friends there that have helped me I feel sad to let go. I will keep the friendships forever but will lose the contact with new patients.

    - Goal setting and Objectives.
    This is really complex. I thought I knew what I wanted and where I was going (when feeling good) but therapy forced me to question and refine that. OK I'm poorer financially than I could have been BUT my life is so much richer in other respects. I have always loved my family and can show that in other ways.
    You mention the suggestion that your wife "may want something and may not be able to tell me what it is" and there are therapy techniques that can explore that. I can only suggest that if you feel that is a factor then encourage her to "open up" with Professionals, initially without your presence.

    - Finally, and not least, confidence and self-esteem.
    I used to be the arrogant upstart that would take on anything and anybody but the illness knocked that out of me. I felt worthless and hopeless and it has taken a long time to approach where I was. I now sign my internal emails with "I'll be back" or "Asta La Vista" or similar.

    I hope this helps, I have concentrated on your wife and her problems but I haven't forgotten your own frustration and anguish. I must have put my family and friends through HELL over the last few years. I didn't want to, didn't mean to and now all I can do is try to repair the damage and hope for forgiveness. I think that is coming if only because we can start to laugh at some of the bizarre things that have happened!

    Others,

    Thanks for the compliments, can you spot the subtle inconsistency today?

    Sorry for the long post again, once started on a track it is dificult to stop!

    Keep talking, Brian



    [This message has been edited by banjoboy (edited 08-11-2003).]

     
    Old 08-12-2003, 12:10 PM   #23
    bok
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    I have a question...when you 2 argue what is it that she says that YOU are doing wrong?

    How did the fight all before 7 am start?
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    Old 08-12-2003, 07:18 PM   #24
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    I started the fight. I came unglued after I caught her hacking at her self with a closehanger! She just lied to me and said that she was all right just miniutes ago.

    Update on wife: she is so druged up she can barly walk. I'll try to post the meds she is on latter.
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    Old 08-13-2003, 01:08 PM   #25
    bok
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    OMG....that sucks...I mean we all have our times but generally the clothes hanger crap...does not happen...i am sorry
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    Old 08-21-2003, 04:42 PM   #26
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    Wow, I sympathize with your situation.

    My story is somewhat similar -- my wife was BP and alcoholic, prone to violence, hostile, etc. The difference is, SHE divorced ME! And though it shocked me back then, now (three years later) I see it as having been a good thing for me and my kids.

    My children are younger than yours, and despite the pain of the break-up and the hardships of becoming a single-parent (and single-income) family, it's been a blessing to be able to give them a stable, loving environment to grow up in.

    So... I have to say divorce was the best thing. My kids have been the better for it, and frankly, so have I.

    I know some people will revile me for "abandoning" my wife in her hour of need. But IMHO you need to think of all the people in your life, including yourself -- not just your poor wife.

    One last thing -- divorce or not, you and your wife will always have a bond of parenthood. Hopefully despite her BP, you and she will be able to share that.

    Good luck.
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    Old 08-21-2003, 06:28 PM   #27
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    Marriage is for better and for worse. I can understand you need and your frustration but I can also tell you that divorce would be very damaging for your son. He already has a unstable mom, he needs the stability of a family in-tact even though it is imperfect.

    I really do feel for you and hope your faith and you Christian family can sustain you in doing the right thing. Remember, Christ doesn't always put us where we are most comfortable and we don't want to be like Jonah and run from where He wants to use us.

    My prayers are with you.

    joy

     
    Old 09-09-2003, 10:36 PM   #28
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    mudhound,

    I am in a situation very similar to yours.

    When my wife takes her medications, she has a high probability of a good day. Also, she has epileptic problems on top of the manic/depression problems. Her real mother was diagnosed as schizophrenic. She also is a compulsive liar during her manic stages. The main difference I see between your wife and mine is the alcohol. Mine doesnít touch it. I do question though the problem of the alcohol neutralizing any drugs she might be taking.

    Okay, here are my thoughts on the situation. I hear many quote clichťs about in sickness and health, but the bible states specifically that God calls us to freedom and not bondage. This is in the same chapter when speaking of marriage. I personally believe God hates divorce, but I do believe there are provisions that are made by which a man can leave his wife if the situation has pulled him down into a pit. God does not call us to live a life of bondage.

    Ö but there is one leading factor and variable here and I know you will understand this one. You must follow what is in your heart. The bible states to follow the peace of our heart (or the path of peace). By this, you and only you will know what to do. No one can tell you what to do except yourself. By Godís guidance, you can make the correct decision.

    After three Ė four days of intense prayer, God put in my heart methods to take care of my wife. He literally showed me what course of action to take to get her health back up so she can function. She went from sleeping under a building with voices in her head to getting well enough were she could go back to work and teach. Though, all this took four years time. If Godís peace would have not guided me, yes, I would have divorced her.


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    Old 09-11-2003, 11:06 AM   #29
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    I have been bipolar for years upon years but when I was finally on the right meds I was doing alot better.
    I am currently taking nuerontin, deporkate er, zoloft, and now zonagran b/c zonagran helps w/weight loss too. It also help to have someone to talk to. Someone you can talk with, someone she can talk with and someone the both of you can with togther. I was on SSI and SSD for the longest but I was finally able to go to school and I have a full time job with O/T and plenty of responsiblties. Look in your phonebook and find the closest Kingdom Hall of Jehovah Witness and they will listen to you and give you support and answer any questions you may have on why God permits wickness or illness to continue like it does. They will help.

     
    Old 09-18-2003, 05:48 PM   #30
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    Quote:
    Originally posted by ubernier:
    mudhound,

    This might be a long story, so please forgive me...


    Like you, I am learning more and more from reading the wonderful posts in the forums. I had no idea what bipolar was until a little over a year ago. I am coming from your end of things, the spouse of someone who is bipolar. I can understand all the frustrations, difficulties and desire to leave.

    I reached my breaking point last year, during my wife's period of depression, where I felt that I could not handle it anymore. I had my own health issues (heart attack at age 35) to deal with, and I could not devote attention to her like I had been. This resulted in my questioning whether our marriage was good for either of us. I needed an emotional connection at the time, and selfishly, when she could not provide it, I sought it out elsewhere over the internet (one huge mistake there!) Patience is a virtue and would have been the key...but I digress..

    After all we went through, I suggested we separate because I honestly thought it was best. During the first few months of the time apart, I honestly felt relieved, like a burden was lifted off of me. My wife, however, had to suffer while I withdrew away from her, my affections, my feelings, my love. I went away to see relatives this summer and during that time, I realized how selfish I had been, how much I loved her, and how I had made her suffer through my withdrawal. I was not supportive, I failed. In the end, she fell out of love with me during that time.


    The net result is that during our time apart, she discovered she no longer loved me. I had destroyed her love for me, and it was too late. Now, I am at a point in my life where I am healthy and willing to support her through the cycles, the ups, the downs, and be the loving husband. Yet unfortunately, she fell out of love me during my time of withdrawal and it is now too late to repair the damage. My wife is highly functional with bipolar, and I can't begin to tell you how proud I am of her for being that way...she is a beautiful, caring and loving woman... anyway...

    My message to you, so that you don't mess up as terribly as I did (I failed): Always remember that the person on the other end is a precious, caring, and loving individual, with a beautiful heart that loves you, even though at times its not apparent. I realize now (too late) that a lot of what happens is not directly under their control, as you or I may understand it. I also encourage you to be there for her, talk with compassion to her through her difficult times, help her to achieve the best out of life that she can. For me, or for my relationship its too late. I carry that pain with me everyday. I don't want to see you make the same mistake that I did.

    My best wishes to you mudhound, and my sincerest hope that you make the best choices for you and for your wife.

    [This message has been edited by ubernier (edited 08-01-2003).]

    [This message has been edited by ubernier (edited 08-01-2003).]
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