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    Old 04-06-2007, 08:08 AM   #16
    Jim1961
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    He'll be in the middle of the ocean for 4 months and apparently will not be able to contact her at all...so she says. Is there some way to gently perswade her to at least slow it down with this guy, give me some more of her time and give us a chance? Or will that be persieved as me pushing and in fact, cause her to push me away and him closer? If I do wait until he's gone and we do get closer isn't it possible that she'll cut it off with him when he returns?

     
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    Old 04-06-2007, 08:13 AM   #17
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    i would not ask about their situation while he is gone. about the only thing you can do is show her by your actions that you are willing to work on your relationship. if you pour your feelings out to her all the time she will get tired of hearing about it and you will see her less. i was in your exact situation back in 2000 when my now ex was seeing someone while we were separated. i pushed and pushed. he did say little things to keep me hanging in there. and yeah he came back, but as i said he is now my stbx. so it didn't work for long. but he did tell me that all the pushing i did during that time only made him dislike me more. i went from being someone that loved him to someone that was obsessed. my dd was 2 at the time. she met the gf and hung out with her a lot. but now she is 9 and doesn't remember a thing. so don't worry about your 3yo. if her relationship with the new guys doesn't work out and you do get back together, your son will not remember it. she may be leading you on or she may just not know what she wants right now. one thing you must figure out for yourself is if you can be the husband she wants you to be for a lifetime. not just in order to get her back. now you want her back so bad you will change anything. just make sure they are changes you can live with. start out like you can hold out.

     
    Old 04-06-2007, 09:11 AM   #18
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by tarheel247 View Post
    i would not ask about their situation while he is gone. about the only thing you can do is show her by your actions that you are willing to work on your relationship. if you pour your feelings out to her all the time she will get tired of hearing about it and you will see her less. i was in your exact situation back in 2000 when my now ex was seeing someone while we were separated. i pushed and pushed. he did say little things to keep me hanging in there. and yeah he came back, but as i said he is now my stbx. so it didn't work for long. but he did tell me that all the pushing i did during that time only made him dislike me more. i went from being someone that loved him to someone that was obsessed. my dd was 2 at the time. she met the gf and hung out with her a lot. but now she is 9 and doesn't remember a thing. so don't worry about your 3yo. if her relationship with the new guys doesn't work out and you do get back together, your son will not remember it. she may be leading you on or she may just not know what she wants right now. one thing you must figure out for yourself is if you can be the husband she wants you to be for a lifetime. not just in order to get her back. now you want her back so bad you will change anything. just make sure they are changes you can live with. start out like you can hold out.
    Thanks, what you said was actually very moving for me. Before I go on I just want to let you know how thankful I am of your time and sharing with me...it means SO very much to me! Really!

    I'm such a wreck this morning. I miss her so much. It's so hard not to be obsessed with having her back. Thank you for sharing about your situation with your ex. You're right about if I pour my feelings out to her all the time she will get tired of that, I can see that. Also, the situation with your daughter and how she hung on with the gf a lot and how she didn't even remember it...I'll just let that go and not worry about my son meeting him. I'll just reassure him that I'm his daddy and no one else will EVER be his daddy but me.

    Do you think that him seeing you as being obsessed with him / getting him back had something to do with your splitting after you got back together? What caused the split after the reunion...if I may ask? If you had backed off a bit on him before you got back together, do you think it may have lasted or it you would have split up after getting back together anyway?

    Do I just not mention him at all anymore? Do I just pretend he doesn't exist or if she mentions him in a conversation, don't speak ill of him or their situation and change the subject or just avoid making any judgmental statements about them and how I feel about her seeing him? Do I not mention "are you thinking about us" or "considering us" ANYMORE at all until she brings it up?

    Though there's got to be a happy medium of letting her know I'm still interested without seeming obsessed. Maybe just focus on the times we spend together as a family camping and the little day trips that I'm trying to plan. The only tricky part of that is that I have to sit down with her in advance and work around her work schedule since it changes from week to week. That's a fine dance...I guess when I start planning, I'll just be as easy going as I can and just work with her on her terms.

    Which reminds me, you mentioned that if she does come back it will be on her terms, how can I change our personal interactions so that she comes back willingly and have us be partners instead of her being "in charge" or having her lead me around by the collar because I wanted her back so bad?

    Okay, I've stopped crying now. I don't know if your a religious person or not, but I want to say, God bless you for listening to me and being such a wonderful sounding board for me at such a difficult time for me in my life.

     
    Old 04-06-2007, 09:21 AM   #19
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    I just want my wife back, my family back and a chance to fix everything I screwed up

    First things first, you are being way too hard on yourself and way too forgiving of her. Okay, your relationship had problems. Almost every relationship encounters a rough patch. One of the biggest tests you will have in your relationship is how you handle the hard times. Now unless you were unfaithful to her or abused her I think she failed this test miserably. It is never okay to go outside of your marriage. I don't care what the excuse is. You are blaming yourself for her actions. It almost seems like she was just looking for an excuse or something. Don't be willing to dismiss her actions so easily or, if you do work things out, she will always find a way to walk all over you.

    At the same time, I am continuing to better myself by eating more (I've lost 16 pounds and I'm not a big guy so it really shows) and excersing and looking really hard for a new job. I'm enrolling in summer school to get more education on a new career path I've chosen. I'm trying to get out and meet new friends by going to interest group meetings... so I am trying to better myself.

    Good for you. I just hope you are doing it all for yourself and not in the hopes of winning her back.

    Would you all suggest that I ask her if when he leaves for this 4 months if they'll be taking a break from each other or if they've agreed on some kind of commitment to each other? She knows that I want her back and probably anticipates my really pouring it on think when he's gone..

    Honestly, I think you shouldn't say anything and as hard as it may be, act completely indifferent to her. I'm sure she loves that she is getting love and adoration from two men vying for her attention. She doesn't deserve that. Stop acting like you are waiting for her with open arms and act like you are moving on with your life WITHOUT her. Once she sees that she has lost you (and your not there being the back up man in case her fling doesn't work out) she may start seeing things a little differently. Of course this may not work, but lets face it, none of what you have done so far has.

    Her saying that you are a great husband and she loves you is very unfair. She definately sounds like she is stringing you along and you shouldn't stand for it. Don't allow her to call the shots. She made the choice to be with this guy. Let her have him and let her think you are over it. I really think that once she's sees your not a lost puppy waiting at the door to be let in she will change her tune a little bit.

    I really just want to play my cards right here, she really means everything in the world to me. She's the mother of our son and the woman I still want to grow old with....I just pray that she sees that this guy isn't all she thought he was...I've been told that over time, she will probably see thisbut I just want it to be sooner than later.

    Remember that you can love her more than anything, shower her with gifts, tell her everything she needs to hear, etc., but that will not make her love you back. I know it hurts. You are in a really tough situation. You are the only one who can make you happy. Don't cling onto this false hope she is giving you. With all you have said she sounds really cruel the way she is keeping you holding on like this. Think about it, she is letting you think you have a chance but then saying she is moving in with this guy. She is using how great you are with your children as a way to feed your ego and keep you hooked. She can count on you for your kids. That's how all dads should be. Don't let her count on you to be her fall back guy.

    Last edited by happymom28; 04-06-2007 at 09:26 AM.

     
    Old 04-06-2007, 09:55 AM   #20
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by happymom28 View Post
    I just want my wife back, my family back and a chance to fix everything I screwed up

    First things first, you are being way too hard on yourself and way too forgiving of her. Okay, your relationship had problems. Almost every relationship encounters a rough patch. One of the biggest tests you will have in your relationship is how you handle the hard times. Now unless you were unfaithful to her or abused her I think she failed this test miserably. It is never okay to go outside of your marriage. I don't care what the excuse is. You are blaming yourself for her actions. It almost seems like she was just looking for an excuse or something. Don't be willing to dismiss her actions so easily or, if you do work things out, she will always find a way to walk all over you.

    At the same time, I am continuing to better myself by eating more (I've lost 16 pounds and I'm not a big guy so it really shows) and excersing and looking really hard for a new job. I'm enrolling in summer school to get more education on a new career path I've chosen. I'm trying to get out and meet new friends by going to interest group meetings... so I am trying to better myself.

    Good for you. I just hope you are doing it all for yourself and not in the hopes of winning her back.

    Would you all suggest that I ask her if when he leaves for this 4 months if they'll be taking a break from each other or if they've agreed on some kind of commitment to each other? She knows that I want her back and probably anticipates my really pouring it on think when he's gone..

    Honestly, I think you shouldn't say anything and as hard as it may be, act completely indifferent to her. I'm sure she loves that she is getting love and adoration from two men vying for her attention. She doesn't deserve that. Stop acting like you are waiting for her with open arms and act like you are moving on with your life WITHOUT her. Once she sees that she has lost you (and your not there being the back up man in case her fling doesn't work out) she may start seeing things a little differently. Of course this may not work, but lets face it, none of what you have done so far has.

    Her saying that you are a great husband and she loves you is very unfair. She definately sounds like she is stringing you along and you shouldn't stand for it. Don't allow her to call the shots. She made the choice to be with this guy. Let her have him and let her think you are over it. I really think that once she's sees your not a lost puppy waiting at the door to be let in she will change her tune a little bit.

    I really just want to play my cards right here, she really means everything in the world to me. She's the mother of our son and the woman I still want to grow old with....I just pray that she sees that this guy isn't all she thought he was...I've been told that over time, she will probably see thisbut I just want it to be sooner than later.

    Remember that you can love her more than anything, shower her with gifts, tell her everything she needs to hear, etc., but that will not make her love you back. I know it hurts. You are in a really tough situation. You are the only one who can make you happy. Don't cling onto this false hope she is giving you. With all you have said she sounds really cruel the way she is keeping you holding on like this. Think about it, she is letting you think you have a chance but then saying she is moving in with this guy. She is using how great you are with your children as a way to feed your ego and keep you hooked. She can count on you for your kids. That's how all dads should be. Don't let her count on you to be her fall back guy.
    Thanks HappyMom,

    Well I really feel I was the one the screwed up because I promised her that I would get a good job when we moved here and it's been two years now and I've bounced around from one job to another without making much while she's been the main breadwinner. On the other hand, I've been the perfect Mr. Mom, shopping, cleaning, cooking, changing diapers, making her lunches for work, doing the yard work....everything! She even wrote me some nice cards saying how much she appreciated all the work I do for our family and that she thought I was the best husband and father ever and if she had to do it all over again, she would choose me in a second. On the other hand, there would be those times of the month where she would just rip me a new one saying that she's tired of working and that I haven't been supporting this family and not trying hard enough to find a job. Also, I had been very stobborn about selling a rental property that we had to pay some bills that we accumulated that would ease the financial pressure on us...she was really ****** about that and brought that up almost every month or two. So I do carry a reasonable portion of the blame, not all, but she's made a good case and I do feel reasonably responsible to taking her to the point of frustration to want to quit. I've made a complete 180 and told her I will do nothing but look for a job and sell the other house but that hasn't made much difference so far because she's so involved in this other guys world. And yes she was looking for an excuse with this guy, she should have never done that but she's a highly sexual person and she was giving me messages about her not "feeling wanted" so I guess I wasn't giving her the passion that she was looking for so she went out to get it somewhere else. THAT is the part that hurts the most, knowing and thinking about my wife sleeping with another man and having to sit by and pretend that I don't think about it. She knows I'm jealous, I've told her so but she has no problems with letting me know that she has plans with him for the weekend away then only to come back and spend some platonic time with me. It just kills me inside.

    I am doing things to better myself, it's both for me and in hopes that she'll see that I'm actually putting things into action and come back. I'm even planning on selling two of my cars to get a truck, which she's mentioned would be a turn-on for her to see me drive...more of a macho kind of thing with her...I drive a luxury car that she hates...she's more of a country girl. So yes, I actually am doing things that will make her see me differently...I need a new car anyway and I would like a truck for a change since I've never had one.

    Okay, I won't say anything about when he leaves, nothing good can come from it, I agree. Thanks!

    It's going to be hard to act indifferently to her because, well first of all I'm completely in love with her, and secondly I'm afraid that she'll just think that I don't want her to consider us again and just never really think about us again at all. I'll try not to act like the last puppy waiting to be let in, that's a good analogy.

    Thank you so much....I'm waiting for her to call because she suppost to come over today and pick up our son along with some finishing some paperwork for selling this house. I'll try not to let me heart leap out of my chest when that phone rings.

     
    Old 04-06-2007, 10:04 AM   #21
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    Jim, please listen to Happymom above me. You are being way too hard on yourself.

    I'm not going to candycoat this. I don't intend for this to sound offensive or harsh, but here goes:

    Your wife sounds like a flake. You two are practically still newlyweds, and she's stringing you along -- her husband, the man she took VOWS with -- while she's having a heap of a good time with her lover ... someone she met on a "girls' night out" while married. Jeesh. What a "lovely" gal.

    I can appreciate she's your world, and it appears you're madly in love with this woman, but please, please get some dignity here. She is a flake. She's treating you like garbage with all of this manipulation, she's attempting to get the kids involved with this fiasco now. Get a grip, man!!!

    Have a drink, a good cry, punch a wall, whatever it takes -- but then see this woman for what she is. Call a lawyer and get yourself and your kids protected and set up so you have custody. It really doesn't sound like her kids are much of a priority for her. She left a sick child at her marital home, took her other kid off to a friend's house and she sees this guy every chance she can get. Nice. Get a lawyer, get in front of a judge and get custody (even temporary) of the kids -- with a child support order for her. She's the one who chose to leave this way. Let her deal with it.

    There are an awful lot of women out there who wouldn't dream of doing this to their husbands, who took their marriage vows seriously and "fight" just as hard as you're doing right now to keep their marriages intact and happy. Your wife, unfortunately, isn't one of them, and I'm so very sorry this is happening to you, but you need to snap out of this. Look at what she's done to you and your family!

     
    Old 04-06-2007, 10:32 AM   #22
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    I agree with the ones here saying she is being manipulative and giving you false hope and things.I really feel for you Jim what your wife has done to you is crap.I think you stop allowing her to make you feel you are at fault for her affair.That to me a dang cop out and she just does'nt sound like she taking any responsibility in this at all.Matter of fact she is being totally irresponsible with her marriage and yall's child.I have been married for almost 9 yrs and with my husband for over 15 years.We have had many ups and downs which is typical in any relationship.There was even a time we were probably pretty close to an end but never once have I cheated on him.You wife says she felt "unwanted" well I have felt that way too with my husband before still I did not choose to look for that elswhere.Instead I chose to communicate this to my husband and give him time to come around.I think all too many times people hit rough spots in their relationships and start thinking the grass is greener on the other side.I don't know Jim let's say you two did get back together will you ever feel you could trust her again to not fall into some strangers arms soon as you two hit a rough time?I think we all deserve someone who is not going to toss in the towel so easily.None of us are perfect and it sounds to me like there could of been plenty of times in the past when you felt pained by your wife but you did not fall into some other womans arms.You deserve someone who is willing to stick things out through the good and bad.You do sound like a great dad any man who can stay home and take care of his kids and the home is a good man in my book.

     
    Old 04-06-2007, 11:21 AM   #23
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by StenoLady1 View Post
    Jim, please listen to Happymom above me. You are being way too hard on yourself.

    I'm not going to candycoat this. I don't intend for this to sound offensive or harsh, but here goes:

    Your wife sounds like a flake. You two are practically still newlyweds, and she's stringing you along -- her husband, the man she took VOWS with -- while she's having a heap of a good time with her lover ... someone she met on a "girls' night out" while married. Jeesh. What a "lovely" gal.

    I can appreciate she's your world, and it appears you're madly in love with this woman, but please, please get some dignity here. She is a flake. She's treating you like garbage with all of this manipulation, she's attempting to get the kids involved with this fiasco now. Get a grip, man!!!

    Have a drink, a good cry, punch a wall, whatever it takes -- but then see this woman for what she is. Call a lawyer and get yourself and your kids protected and set up so you have custody. It really doesn't sound like her kids are much of a priority for her. She left a sick child at her marital home, took her other kid off to a friend's house and she sees this guy every chance she can get. Nice. Get a lawyer, get in front of a judge and get custody (even temporary) of the kids -- with a child support order for her. She's the one who chose to leave this way. Let her deal with it.

    There are an awful lot of women out there who wouldn't dream of doing this to their husbands, who took their marriage vows seriously and "fight" just as hard as you're doing right now to keep their marriages intact and happy. Your wife, unfortunately, isn't one of them, and I'm so very sorry this is happening to you, but you need to snap out of this. Look at what she's done to you and your family!
    Thanks for that straight talk. I know she's manipulating me and I just feel like a total fool but I'm staying in there because I just don't think I can give up without a fight. Yes what she did was "lovely", believe me I kick myself for even letting her go in the first place to that girls night out.

    Okay, I'll try and get a grip and just realize that she's turned into a different person than the one I married and fell in love with, but It's not going to be easy. It's the jealosy that kills me. The fact that she's having sex with another man and enjoying it and getting more involved in his world, friends, house, schedule and his little boy who is 5, just makes me crazy that I wake up every morning with my heart beating out of my chest with anxiety.

    Getting a grip is going to be very difficult but, I'll try and be more stoic when she comes by and when I talk with her on the phone. Trying not to be that little puppy that's waiting at the door to get in..

     
    Old 04-06-2007, 11:32 AM   #24
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by tnmomofive View Post
    I agree with the ones here saying she is being manipulative and giving you false hope and things.I really feel for you Jim what your wife has done to you is crap.I think you stop allowing her to make you feel you are at fault for her affair.That to me a dang cop out and she just does'nt sound like she taking any responsibility in this at all.Matter of fact she is being totally irresponsible with her marriage and yall's child.I have been married for almost 9 yrs and with my husband for over 15 years.We have had many ups and downs which is typical in any relationship.There was even a time we were probably pretty close to an end but never once have I cheated on him.You wife says she felt "unwanted" well I have felt that way too with my husband before still I did not choose to look for that elswhere.Instead I chose to communicate this to my husband and give him time to come around.I think all too many times people hit rough spots in their relationships and start thinking the grass is greener on the other side.I don't know Jim let's say you two did get back together will you ever feel you could trust her again to not fall into some strangers arms soon as you two hit a rough time?I think we all deserve someone who is not going to toss in the towel so easily.None of us are perfect and it sounds to me like there could of been plenty of times in the past when you felt pained by your wife but you did not fall into some other womans arms.You deserve someone who is willing to stick things out through the good and bad.You do sound like a great dad any man who can stay home and take care of his kids and the home is a good man in my book.
    Yes, she's definely giving me a false sense of hope just to keep us from not fighting and I know that. I just keep hoping that if we get along without fighting, like we were before, that she will see that the part of me that she fell in love with and realize that this guy is maybe a good lay and fills her with the passion that she's been wanting but that I'm a good man and father and maybe I will make good on the promises that I made to her in this 3 1/2 page letter I wrote her admitting to my downfalls and hopes to reunit and make our marriage stronger. I'm not sure if keeping hope alive is killing my chances or helping, I guess it's just the degree that I show her or press her for another chance that MAY change her mind and come back. She knows I'm a good person and a great dad, I'm just not ready to lay down and give up because aside from this terrible indescretion that she's done with this guy, she's really and terrific person, mother and friend and she has loved and supported me with great patience for nearly 5 years of marriage...she just snapped when it came to me not fulfilling my promise to provide for our family (at least contribute half) and to sell our rental property if I wasn't able to get a job when I said I would.

    She has cheated before on her last marriage so I guess I shouldn't be too surpised....once a cheater always a cheater. I'm still hoping for the best.

     
    Old 04-06-2007, 11:32 AM   #25
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    I'm going to give you some different advice here...

    My now ex-wife cheated on me and filed for divorce after moving to another town, one month after actually. I tried to save our family (we have two little girls). I did the house cleaning, bringing her food at work, the romantic cards, flowers. It was all a waste because she already moved on. That's what happens... they move on WAY before we do. They already figured out what they are going to do and it's a shock to us.

    LISTEN AND PLEASE TAKE THIS IN!!!!!!!!!

    1. It's over. When I came here to ask for help after my now ex-wife filed for divorce and was having an affair someone told me that and it was 100% true. The sooner you accept that it IS over the better off you'll be... you can start to think straight and really figure out what is the most imporant in your life: YOUR CHILDREN.

    2. Start documenting EVERYTHING going on. Remember back to each and every day this started and write it down. Dates, times, details. When she did what, what she said. When she saw the kids, when she didn't... etc. Document it ALL and keep doing it. Print out emails, text messages, everything.

    The thing is, she has left you AND YOUR KIDS. WHEN this gets to court, you need as much information as you need or she will try and get full custody of them, child support, etc. Do you want to lose your kids to someone who cares so little about your family? Do you want to pay her money so she can live with her new boyfriend?

    3. SCREW letting her take him to meet her new boyfriend. Put your foot down and tell her no way. Most child counselors say it's good to wait at least ONE YEAR before introducing a new person into your childs life. The younger, they say even longer. So DO NOT allow her to take your children to meet this guy. Does your wife have any care in the world about what that would do to your child(ren)? Go to your parents house for the weekend, whatever. Take the kids and DO NOT allow that to take place. If she wants to see the kids, it's not going to be with her new live-in boyfriend.

    Dude, I hate to tell you those things but that's the truth. It's how things go and you need to PROTECT yourself as much as possible. DOCUMENT everything if you value seeing your child(ren).

    Once you can put them first, unlike her, you'll be better off.

     
    Old 04-06-2007, 12:02 PM   #26
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by onyR View Post
    I'm going to give you some different advice here...

    My now ex-wife cheated on me and filed for divorce after moving to another town, one month after actually. I tried to save our family (we have two little girls). I did the house cleaning, bringing her food at work, the romantic cards, flowers. It was all a waste because she already moved on. That's what happens... they move on WAY before we do. They already figured out what they are going to do and it's a shock to us.

    LISTEN AND PLEASE TAKE THIS IN!!!!!!!!!

    1. It's over. When I came here to ask for help after my now ex-wife filed for divorce and was having an affair someone told me that and it was 100% true. The sooner you accept that it IS over the better off you'll be... you can start to think straight and really figure out what is the most imporant in your life: YOUR CHILDREN.

    2. Start documenting EVERYTHING going on. Remember back to each and every day this started and write it down. Dates, times, details. When she did what, what she said. When she saw the kids, when she didn't... etc. Document it ALL and keep doing it. Print out emails, text messages, everything.

    The thing is, she has left you AND YOUR KIDS. WHEN this gets to court, you need as much information as you need or she will try and get full custody of them, child support, etc. Do you want to lose your kids to someone who cares so little about your family? Do you want to pay her money so she can live with her new boyfriend?

    3. SCREW letting her take him to meet her new boyfriend. Put your foot down and tell her no way. Most child counselors say it's good to wait at least ONE YEAR before introducing a new person into your childs life. The younger, they say even longer. So DO NOT allow her to take your children to meet this guy. Does your wife have any care in the world about what that would do to your child(ren)? Go to your parents house for the weekend, whatever. Take the kids and DO NOT allow that to take place. If she wants to see the kids, it's not going to be with her new live-in boyfriend.

    Dude, I hate to tell you those things but that's the truth. It's how things go and you need to PROTECT yourself as much as possible. DOCUMENT everything if you value seeing your child(ren).

    Once you can put them first, unlike her, you'll be better off.
    Thanks, I hear what your saying. I don't think we're going to have a fight when it comes to the kids, we've agreed on equal shared custody. As it turns out, I've been getting custody of our 3 year old more than she has because she's been working a lot (she works evenings 7pm to 7am) so I'm with our son and sometimes her daughter in the eves. I don't think documenting everything, at least in my case, is going to be necessary.

    I see what you're saying though about her checking out way before she told me. I just don't want to believe that she can shut off her feelings for me completely. She just called me back after I called her early this morning because my son wanted to talk with her but I couldn't reach her on her cell...god knows what she was doing with him at that point? But she called and was talking with me on the phone when he was right there and I've asked her not to do that because it upsets me and she said okay and hung up before she could even talk with our son....her prioreties are really screwed up. But I guess mine are too.

    Thanks again, I guess I'll try and move on but it's tearing my heart out.

     
    Old 04-06-2007, 12:13 PM   #27
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    I can't ditto enough what the women on this thread have said, Jim. Regardless of what you may or may not have done, if she truly loved you, she would have stuck by you, . . . that which she promised you in the wedding VOW!!! If she can't keep her word, then you don't need to be trying to win back what can't be trusted!

    Again, remember that I, TOO, am in the very same spot you are. I don't want to let the marriage go. I want to restore it to what was once a great relationship. However, unless BOTH people are fully involved, it will never last. I'm letting my wife go, . . . .if she hurts herself during that time, it will be her own doing. I don't want her to face pain, but my wishfull thinking and words of care to her won't change her decision, . . . and yours won't change the decision of YOUR wife. We are all ultimately responsible for our own lives.

    It is a sad time. For you, . . for me. . . . Tough times ahead. Come out on top of it, and not under her foot.
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    Old 04-06-2007, 12:14 PM   #28
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    Jim, I can totally understand your need to "fight for your wife," but, man, the time for fighting would have before she slept with another man, you know? Like in a marriage counselor's office or something.

    Like a PP mentioned, let's say she snapped out of this tomorrow and came crying back to your doorstep. Seriously, what kind of marriage do you think you guys would have? As soon as the tough got going, she had an affair. I can almost sympathize with couples who've been together for 20, 30 years and have some some one-time fling and decide to work past the infidelity, but you guys were just on the start point of your map of your lives together! Would you ever be comfortable letting her out of your sight again? Would she ever be able to enjoy a "girls' night out" again? Would you ever be able to really live your life without walking on eggshells wondering if she's just going to bail on you and do this again?

    I truly feel awful for you. You sound like an incredible dad and husband. Yeah, you were down on your luck with work -- who hasn't been at one point in their life? Did you lock yourself into a room of doom and gloom? No. You picked up the slack in your relationship and family in other areas, by becoming a Mr. Mom, doing the shopping, the cooking, the cleaning, packing her lunches.

    Tell me something. After a day of housework, shopping, taking care of the kids, cooking, laundry, putting out all the fires that a SAHM (or dad in your case) has to, how "wanted" did she make you feel? How appreciated did you feel for what most consider to be the hardest job in the world? I mean, after all of that stress, plus the worry of finances, the rental home, finding the perfect job, did you go out with your guy friends and dip your wick in some flirt you found? No.

    Do you realize how many wonderful women there are out there in the world who would cut off a digit for a guy like you? I know you think it's probably real easy for us to sit on our ends of this forum and type away, but all of us have had our hearts ripped out before. You will get through this -- hopefully sooner than later. But you really deserve much, much better than this. You deserve a woman who fights for you equally as strong as you are right now. And you deserve a woman who finds console in your arms, not in the arms of her fling.

    You will never heal yourself and find her as long as you're allowing your wife to manipulate you and turn you into a puppy dog. File your response (or whatever's done where you are), start the healing process, continue to be the wonderful father you are so that the real Mrs. Jim1961 can find you.

     
    Old 04-06-2007, 12:32 PM   #29
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by StenoLady1 View Post
    Jim, I can totally understand your need to "fight for your wife," but, man, the time for fighting would have before she slept with another man, you know? Like in a marriage counselor's office or something.

    Like a PP mentioned, let's say she snapped out of this tomorrow and came crying back to your doorstep. Seriously, what kind of marriage do you think you guys would have? As soon as the tough got going, she had an affair. I can almost sympathize with couples who've been together for 20, 30 years and have some some one-time fling and decide to work past the infidelity, but you guys were just on the start point of your map of your lives together! Would you ever be comfortable letting her out of your sight again? Would she ever be able to enjoy a "girls' night out" again? Would you ever be able to really live your life without walking on eggshells wondering if she's just going to bail on you and do this again?

    I truly feel awful for you. You sound like an incredible dad and husband. Yeah, you were down on your luck with work -- who hasn't been at one point in their life? Did you lock yourself into a room of doom and gloom? No. You picked up the slack in your relationship and family in other areas, by becoming a Mr. Mom, doing the shopping, the cooking, the cleaning, packing her lunches.

    Tell me something. After a day of housework, shopping, taking care of the kids, cooking, laundry, putting out all the fires that a SAHM (or dad in your case) has to, how "wanted" did she make you feel? How appreciated did you feel for what most consider to be the hardest job in the world? I mean, after all of that stress, plus the worry of finances, the rental home, finding the perfect job, did you go out with your guy friends and dip your wick in some flirt you found? No.

    Do you realize how many wonderful women there are out there in the world who would cut off a digit for a guy like you? I know you think it's probably real easy for us to sit on our ends of this forum and type away, but all of us have had our hearts ripped out before. You will get through this -- hopefully sooner than later. But you really deserve much, much better than this. You deserve a woman who fights for you equally as strong as you are right now. And you deserve a woman who finds console in your arms, not in the arms of her fling.

    You will never heal yourself and find her as long as you're allowing your wife to manipulate you and turn you into a puppy dog. File your response (or whatever's done where you are), start the healing process, continue to be the wonderful father you are so that the real Mrs. Jim1961 can find you.
    Im so sorry to read what you are going through

    I know its difficult for you to think rationally now, because of the hurt and emotional difficult you are going through, but what StenoLady1 is saying.

    I can relate somewhat to how you are feeling although I am not married and havent had a deep relationship such as yours with your wife, but my boyfriend broke up with me to be with another woman. I did my all to get him back...i feel so ashamed now. I called him, told him i loved him, needed him, would do anything for him etc etc but he ignored me, and was pretty nasty, and didnt tell me he was seeing her. Eventually she broke up with him and about a month later we got back together, he said it was me who he wanted and was so emotional, confused etc he had a rebound with that girl etc etc blah blah. I was so happy because for months I was heartbroken, depressed and i was walking around like a dead person- it was great to have him back because all the pain went away. my love was back. But now things arent the same. I am so sensitive and do not trust him even after so long. I get very jealous when he is with other girls- and i never, ever use to be a jealous girl. Now I wish I hadnt have got back together with him because I was on my way to getting over him but i opened the wound by getting back together with him even though it was what i wanted at the time. looking back i shouldnt have. if he truely loved me, he wouldnt have done that.

    you made mistakes, everyone does, like i did with my boyfriend, but there is no excuse for cheating, no excuse for that kind of behaviour. Utter disrespect.

    If your wife decided to come back to you, even though its the only thing you want and think about, once she comes back and you know she is yours again, you will not get over what has happened in my opinion. and why should you? i know its the one thing thatll make the pain go away, but i think you should ride it out...get over it...because in time, i PROMISE you, you will look back and you will not regret moving on because you will see this is not how you should be treated and there is somenoe better out there for you even though you will not be able to see it now. Itll be tough getting over it all, but itll be worth it, despite how much pain you feel now.

    I wish you all the best

     
    Old 04-06-2007, 12:51 PM   #30
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Jim1961 View Post
    She has cheated before on her last marriage so I guess I shouldn't be too surpised....once a cheater always a cheater. I'm still hoping for the best.
    Hmmmmmm....do you know that the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior? She married husband #1, cheated on #1 (and I'm hoping it wasn't with you), got divorced from #1, married husband #2 (you), cheated on #2 (you), filing for divorce from #2, is talking marriage with man/potential husband #3.... Do you see a pattern developing?

    I'm sorry because I know I sound like a total &itch here! But let me ask you a couple of questions. How soon after her divorce did you two get together or were you in fact "the other man"? How soon into your relationship did you meet her daughter? If there are a lot of similarities between the beginning of your relationship and what is going on in her world now then you really need to snap out of it.

    She checked out of your relationship long before her affair. That is obviously how she operates, look at her track record. Something doesn't sit well with her so rather than communicate like an adult she just moves on to "the next best thing of the moment". What she is doing is very harmful for her children.

    Listen to what onyR is telling you about documenting everything. You may not see the need right now because you are still very clouded by your hurt and your feelings but it is better to have this just in case. I'm not trying to be judgemental but she is really doing wrong by her children. You need to protect them from the string of men she may very well parade into their lives. I know you may not have any say about her daughter, but you certainly do about your son. You need to get some custody and child support orders in effect. Her priorities are all out of whack and it's time you make her take some responsibility.

    I have been through the whole divorce thing so I do speak from experience here. The only difference is it was on my terms and we had a lot more issues then you do. Don't let her call the shots. She doesn't want to be with you and if you're not careful she is going to completely screw you.

     
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