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    Old 04-07-2007, 09:21 AM   #46
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    I say that he could have caused her to leave by not being a good husband. Sure having an affair isn't the "right" thing to do but some of us make mistakes and don't always do the "right" thing. He's trying to change now and that ain't gunna work. He had 5 years to change and make it work but he didn't....Jim, it's too late now, she's in love with someone else! Sometimes after a while we just give up on the partner(like my EX wouldn't ever stop drinking!) and move on...some of us won't do that until we find someone else to move on with. This is what happened with your wife...she found the motivation to move on with another man. Unfortunately you didn't take her seriously and now she's gone!

     
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    Old 04-07-2007, 12:43 PM   #47
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    Yep, she's gone alright. I've done a wonderful job of seeing to that by letting my frustrations get in the way and begging her for another chance just now on the phone. She says the more I ask her the more she is likely to consider it but at the same time she says that she was done a couple of months ago before she met this guy. But now she's practically living with him already. She said the other day she would consider a long hand written letter i sent, however, she says the same time that this guy is "the one" and she can't change her feelings. Yep,


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    I had many chances to fix it but it's "too little too late" according to her. How I go on from here, I don't know. I'm certainly in no shape to want to be with anyone else right now and who in their right mind would want to be with me? No body likes a looser and I'm one with a capital "L". Well they say some woman just like to "fix" their men...here I am ladies, fix me!

    Last edited by Administrator; 04-11-2007 at 09:54 AM. Reason: NO cussing!

     
    Old 04-07-2007, 12:51 PM   #48
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    if I was a single woman I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole for about 2 years...HAHA! You just need to get busy getting your career in order and work on the things that you knew all along there not right and all the other things will work themselves out. A divorce does not make someone a looser...if so then half of us are loosers!

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    Old 04-07-2007, 12:55 PM   #49
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    Jim,

    I went through somehting similar.

    (altered message)

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    Old 04-07-2007, 01:14 PM   #50
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    Hi,

    You might have, as you are saying, pushed her away by your actions but here is a question for you: Have you ever had an affair or done something equally hurting? If the answer is no, then she has gone way overboard in her reaction...
    You have to ask youself whether you will be able to live again with someone who punished you with AN AFFAIR.

    She sounds happy with the damage that she is causing you: she is happy to reconsider reconciliatin the more you beg and plead but in the meanwhile she is happy to LIVE WITH someone else and report the details of her excitement to you. She is WINDING YOU UP on purpose. I don't understand why she has to hurt you by telling you what is happening between thewm. I think that she wants you to fight back for her. Any woman who is serious and wants to maintain her pride and her "ex" unnecessary hurt would have left without feeding back reports about how happy she is with him, how they sleep together, etc....She wants you to get jealous.

    Tell her that you are not interested in listening to this, that you are sorry but give her a deadline for accepting your proposals, and if she ignores you, then you have to play her game.

    Last edited by Nina000; 04-07-2007 at 01:35 PM.

     
    Old 04-07-2007, 01:24 PM   #51
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    By stringing you along...she's giving herself an out just in case things don't work out with the new guy.

     
    Old 04-07-2007, 01:53 PM   #52
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    I'm still sobbing after reading that. Thank you for sharing. I'm so sorry you went through this crap, ITS NOT FAIR!! I wake up every day also trying to shake the images of her being with this other guy, it's so incredibly painful. This is the woman I still love. How long does it take to move on from such an ordeal like this? I know it's different for everyone but minutes seem like hours then when you get up in the morning, it's like a nightmare over and over again. How did you cope? Again thanks for share that.

    Last edited by Administrator; 04-11-2007 at 10:40 AM.

     
    Old 04-07-2007, 01:58 PM   #53
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ILYF View Post
    By stringing you along...she's giving herself an out just in case things don't work out with the new guy.
    Some people have said, 'you know, don't be surprised when this thing doesn't work out with this guy after all and she comes knocking on your door'...honestly, in this particular case, I really don't see that happening unless maybe he started abusing her or something extreme like that....but honestly, I don't see that happening. She's stringing me along to appease me and make it for a smoother transition as we head to finalizing the divorce. She's in love with this guy and it looks like the feeling is mutual. Sadly for me, it looks like this may stick for her and I've got nothing to hope.

     
    Old 04-08-2007, 09:15 AM   #54
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    Then there's your answer, Jim. It is the same answer I've come to in my life. It is painful, but you will adapt. . . . you will move on. She's taken so much of you already, . . . don't give her anymore of you. It does nothing for her, and just causes YOU more hurts.

    I'm not sure what your faith is, but I would suggest going to a good church in your community and getting involved. There you can find hope to your life.
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    Old 04-08-2007, 10:49 AM   #55
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    pick yourself up, snap out of this, better yourself, sort your career out, concenrate on that and your son, grow, start new hobbies, perhaps organise a holiday for you and your son once your house sells and you move. doesnt have to be expensive, even a weekend get away will do.
    ....stop begging her back!
    stand up! be a strong man! dont take this rubbish! youre not weak!
    look in the mirrow and stop this, youre better than this
    she is the wrong one...not you! do you really want somebody who will treat you like that????? someone without a single decent bone in her body?
    itrust me, give it time, keep busy, it aint gonna be easy, but force yourself. go for a run every morning...get up early, beforeyou go to work, its refreshing and youll feel good....
    you need to start to look after yourself and stop falling into a hole of self pity
    in time, she'll get screwed over, and i bet she'll come knocking on your door, but by that time, you'd have grown better and i bet youll find her replusive...
    youre not thinking clearly now, things are hurting too much, but i promise you when you look back, youll wonder why you ever even shed a tear over someone like her....

     
    Old 04-08-2007, 12:22 PM   #56
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by apple_juice View Post
    pick yourself up, snap out of this, better yourself, sort your career out, concenrate on that and your son, grow, start new hobbies, perhaps organise a holiday for you and your son once your house sells and you move. doesnt have to be expensive, even a weekend get away will do.
    ....stop begging her back!
    stand up! be a strong man! dont take this rubbish! youre not weak!
    look in the mirrow and stop this, youre better than this
    she is the wrong one...not you! do you really want somebody who will treat you like that????? someone without a single decent bone in her body?
    itrust me, give it time, keep busy, it aint gonna be easy, but force yourself. go for a run every morning...get up early, beforeyou go to work, its refreshing and youll feel good....
    you need to start to look after yourself and stop falling into a hole of self pity
    in time, she'll get screwed over, and i bet she'll come knocking on your door, but by that time, you'd have grown better and i bet youll find her replusive...
    youre not thinking clearly now, things are hurting too much, but i promise you when you look back, youll wonder why you ever even shed a tear over someone like her....

    Thank you both, EDCLight and apple juice, you're right. I'm coming to the realization that she's just gone and just doesn't want anything to do with me romantically...and even after all the lies and the deception and the hurt she's caused me, there's still a part of me that wants her back...I know it's just stupid but I cry everyday, even as I write this, because I just miss her companionship and her love and the dreams I had of us in the future. She was almost always the one to appoligize after a fight and now she's just not even here to make it all better, to hold me, to work it out. I'm still not quite there yet, I wish I was, I just go back and forth from day to day.

    My brother-in-law (her sisters husband) was just here last night and he even is discusted by what she's doing. He gave me some history about her that I didn't know before I even knew her and her relationship patterns. She did almost the exact same thing with her first ex husband. Cheated on him with a neighbor and told him that she wasn't "attracted" to him and there was no chemistry. She has gone through men in the past like changing her clothes. 6 months here, 3 months there...he even said that he didn't think, because of her past, that this thing would last with this new guy, but I'm not sure about that...they seem pretty tight. I'm all alone today because they're all together at his house in the mountains with my son, stepdaughter and his little boy all playing as a new little happy family. It makes me sick to be here all alone knowing she's just simply plugged into this guys life and, viola, instant family. They say it won't last but with my luck it will. I want so badly for karma to get back at her and have her get hurt to the point of what I've been going through. I can only hope. Yes, maybe she will come back to me but buy then maybe I can rain karma back on her directly by kicking her to the curb like she did me, that would be ironic and be the perfect revenge.

    Yes, I've told myself I wouldn't beg for her back again, but I did it a few times on the phone yesterday and it exhausted her probably to the point of my pushing her away even more. I will stop doing that. I must. I will see her on Monday and while she's here, call a private mediator to set up an appointment so we can settle this whole thing legally sooner than later...maybe that will help me move on faster.

    My brother-in-law also agreed with me in saying that she's really being selfish with brining the kids into his world so soon. I'm just sick about it. My first priorety is to my son and yes, I'll try and channel all my energies into him and try and keep him as well adjusted and happy as I can though all this. A Daddy and Son weekend out would be a great idea.

    I hear what your saying about taking run everyday, I've been trying to do excersies in the house, pushups and running up and down the stairs, that along with downing multiple protien drinks to try and maintain my weight and even, maybe, gain the 17 points that I've lost (i'm down to 116, I'm not a big guy) so I've been trying to take care of myself. Running actually tends to burn to many calories and makes me loose weight...but I'm trying to get healthy.

    Thank you again. Thank you for your input and listening to my utter ramblings and support...I'm not out of the woods yet but I'm struggling and stumbling and hopefully will be out soon...just have to stand up to her from now on and just not care about wanting her back...god help me cause that's the hardest part...she's so beautiful to me and the only woman I've ever wanted. I just have to learn that her beauty stops at her skin and that cold black blood runs through her viens.

     
    Old 04-09-2007, 07:02 AM   #57
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    Jim, . . . . you need to let go of your anger as well. It will do nothing but bring you down, and won't affect her at all. My wife is a person I don't know anymore, and has chosen to be cold, . . . however, I look at her future and have a weird sense of sympathy. I know that she will never be happy in the life she THINKS she wants. She'll go from situation to situation trying to find a happiness that will continually illude her. I feel badly for her, but sometimes you have to let people go make mistakes. You have to let them, as hard as it is, and while doing that, not hold any grudges for the pain they gave you.

    I will still pray for my wife (soon to be ex). I will still pray that she will turn her life around before it is too late.
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    Old 04-09-2007, 07:40 AM   #58
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by EDC_Light View Post
    Jim, . . . . you need to let go of your anger as well. It will do nothing but bring you down, and won't affect her at all. My wife is a person I don't know anymore, and has chosen to be cold, . . . however, I look at her future and have a weird sense of sympathy. I know that she will never be happy in the life she THINKS she wants. She'll go from situation to situation trying to find a happiness that will continually illude her. I feel badly for her, but sometimes you have to let people go make mistakes. You have to let them, as hard as it is, and while doing that, not hold any grudges for the pain they gave you.

    I will still pray for my wife (soon to be ex). I will still pray that she will turn her life around before it is too late.
    Thanks EDC, yes I know. My anger still stems from my incredible jealousy of her being with this guy and the fact that she is so happy now. That's something that 's hard to turn off when I do see her (dropping of our son) and even just talking with her on the phone. I really don't know how to let go of that anger but hope that time heals it sooner than later. Is there any other way? I'm an extremely sensitive person, maybe it's just harder for me to let go of these things than most.

    I understand what you're saying about feeling sorry for your wife and how she's just jumping from situation to situation trying to find happiness but something tells me, or maybe I'm just gullible has hell, that she's actually happy now with this guy and that this will last. My brother-in-law who was here the other day and who's seen her patterns with guys even said he didn't think it would last. The only difference now is that she's older, has children and has more responsibilities. There's still a part of me that wishes this thing would fall apart with this guy and she comes back. If that happens in reality I think it would be one of those things you would say "be careful what you wish for" because I of the huge amount of deceipt on her part....who am I kidding, she's never coming back.

    Yes, you're right I have to let go of the pain...but how? I"ve meditated, I've cried, I've talked to family, friends, counselors, received input from you all on this forum...it's just seems impossible for me to let go of the jealousy and with that, anger. I want her to be in my life, my bed, with my family at the dinner table, on vacations, family functions....I want her to be with ME not HIM!

     
    Old 04-09-2007, 07:59 AM   #59
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    i left early on friday so didn't get a chance to reply back. and there has been sooooo many post on this thread i can't read them all..lol anyway..

    first of all did she cheat on you before she moved out? i keep reading that she is a cheater. but if she has moved out and filed for a divorce she is not cheating with the other guy. even if she hasn't filed for a divorce she's not cheating. you two are no longer together. how can that be cheating?

    i don't see it as she's leading you on. she's trying to let you down easy i guess by saying she will think about things. she's telling you that this new guy is "the one" and it looks like she's not going to give that up. but i'm sure she has a heart and doesn't want you to hurt so bad. so she tells you little things to try to ease the pain.

    when my ex did come back after the gf it was bitter sweet. i had may family back, but at a high price. things just weren't the same. how can things be the same after your spouse has been with someone else? that will eat at you every time you are together. and the trust is gone too. even if she didn't cheat before she moved, it will have the same effect if she returns. you will always wonder where she is when she lv's the house and you are not with her. you will wear her down with question on where she was and who was she with when she was gone. you will not even see what you are doing. it will just happen. you will always wonder if she's thinking of him while she's with you. i think once a spouse steps over the line and into a physical/emotional relationship with someone else during a sep. that is the end of things. its hard to get over once you are back together. that's what caused most of our arguements once my ex came back.

    your story sound soooo much like mine its not even funny. i wrote what i call "novels" to my ex on how i did wrong and how i would and have changed. and how things would be perfect if he would just give me one more chance. i talked till i was blue in the face and his ears were numb on the same stuff. i just wanted my family back. we spent the next six years "working" on things. but looking back i think the last two to three years were spent on him letting go. he says that he loves me because i'm his kids mom. but he doesn't love me like a husband loves a wife. i think thats prob what your wife is telling you. she loves you but not like a wife should love a husband. you will always have a bond because you have a kid. but not like you should if you were head over heels for each other. its a hard pill to swallow, but you got to anyway....

    a few months before my ex moved out i found out he was spending a lot of time with a co-worker. they have worked together for like 8 years and she was going through a divorce too. i found her work and cell number. i called her at work to see what the relationship was that she had with my husband. she said they were just old friends. that call made things worse for me cause my ex was furious. just like you wife will be if you write her bf an email. it only makes things worse so don't do it. it will not help you. it will prob only make them closer because you will be the crazy ex and she will be the victim.

    i would stay away from her family too. even if you guys are close it will only make things worse. i was very close to my ex's family. and it was hard letting them go. but i think it made things worse on me for hanging onto them.

    last march i felt like my life was going to end. my ex moved out at the end of march. i was so upset. my kids moved with him until i could get over the whole thing. i was a mess. the co-worker friend turned into the gf. that was hard. but nothing i could do about it. i know its hard to think about meeting anyone else right now. but you will not be able to move on until you find someone. even if just a friend to hang out with. i did meet someone a few months after my ex moved out. and man did it help. for once i felt like there was life after the ex. i didn't want to die every other second. i said i would never fall in love again or even consider getting marired again. but that changed too. i know its not the same for everyone, but sometimes it takse the attention of another to show you there is light at the end of the tunnel.

    as for the ex and his new gf they are fit for each other. she has a son that is the same age as mine. she is very good to my kids and the..*gulp*..love her. thats hard to say.. but it could be worse. she could be some gold digging bar rat that hated my kids and didn't want them around but put on an "act" till she snagged the dad. but she's nothing like that. and now my daughter lives with me and my son lives with the ex. i'm about as happy as i ever thought i could be with my bf and his two kids..

    sorry for the "novel". just wanted to get my 2cents worth in. there is life after divorce and heartbreak. what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger...and more determined...

     
    Old 04-09-2007, 08:12 AM   #60
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Jim1961 View Post
    Thanks EDC, yes I know. My anger still stems from my incredible jealousy of her being with this guy and the fact that she is so happy now. That's something that 's hard to turn off when I do see her (dropping of our son) and even just talking with her on the phone. I really don't know how to let go of that anger but hope that time heals it sooner than later. Is there any other way? I'm an extremely sensitive person, maybe it's just harder for me to let go of these things than most.

    I understand what you're saying about feeling sorry for your wife and how she's just jumping from situation to situation trying to find happiness but something tells me, or maybe I'm just gullible has hell, that she's actually happy now with this guy and that this will last. My brother-in-law who was here the other day and who's seen her patterns with guys even said he didn't think it would last. The only difference now is that she's older, has children and has more responsibilities. There's still a part of me that wishes this thing would fall apart with this guy and she comes back. If that happens in reality I think it would be one of those things you would say "be careful what you wish for" because I of the huge amount of deceipt on her part....who am I kidding, she's never coming back.

    Yes, you're right I have to let go of the pain...but how? I"ve meditated, I've cried, I've talked to family, friends, counselors, received input from you all on this forum...it's just seems impossible for me to let go of the jealousy and with that, anger. I want her to be in my life, my bed, with my family at the dinner table, on vacations, family functions....I want her to be with ME not HIM!
    In no way would I ever say that this will be easy. I'm talking to myself as well. I deeply loved my wife! But you have to come to the point of saying that you will make it alone, and perhaps will find someone who will treat you the way you should be treated. As much as I'd love to be back with my wife, unless she changes, and begins to love me as I love her, . . . I wouldn't want to be back with her. If her heart isn't in it, then it won't work.

    How you can let go of the pain will be a process. Like in the movie Contact (with Jodie Foster), her dad said, "Small steps, Ellie. Small steps." Eventually your pain will subside. The key is being good to yourself. Holding onto pain will be counterproductive to you moving on with your life. So begin working on it. A new hobby. Spending time with good friends and/or family. Get involved in a group of people with similar interests. etc.

    Again, I'm preaching to myself here too. We didn't want this to happen, . . . but there can be hope for the future!

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