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    Old 04-09-2007, 08:23 AM   #61
    Nina000
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    Jim, can you not just go away for a vacation for a couple of weeks with your son? You will also have a complete break from her. Remove yourself from this environment where you are constantly reminded of her.

     
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    Old 04-09-2007, 08:48 AM   #62
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    Not that this might be of much help but think about your future.

    What I mean by that is... a few months down the road you'll be ready for new things, new people, new love (meaning, dating). I wait about four months before asking a girl out on a date. We went out, had a good time. Shortly after I got to be with another woman for the first time in 12 years. It was amazing and so much fun. She is smoking hot. Sorry, losing track of my thoughts

    Anyway, what I mean is there is so much out there you can experience. So many fish in the sea. You think (right now) that your wife was the one for you... but she is not worth your time... and in a few months you will look back and see that she was just that. You'll question why you tried so hard with her. You'll see she wasted your time and she didn't deserve even that.

    Hell, go out this weekend with your friends. Go to a club, bar, etc. Have fun. I promise you it CAN be fun. You CAN look forward to your future as a single guy while she will be a dark, evil person that will never be happy with anything or anyone. There is a special place in hell for people like that! (Helps me sleep at night )

     
    Old 04-09-2007, 09:29 AM   #63
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by tarheel247 View Post
    i left early on friday so didn't get a chance to reply back. and there has been sooooo many post on this thread i can't read them all..lol anyway..

    first of all did she cheat on you before she moved out? i keep reading that she is a cheater. but if she has moved out and filed for a divorce she is not cheating with the other guy. even if she hasn't filed for a divorce she's not cheating. you two are no longer together. how can that be cheating?

    i don't see it as she's leading you on. she's trying to let you down easy i guess by saying she will think about things. she's telling you that this new guy is "the one" and it looks like she's not going to give that up. but i'm sure she has a heart and doesn't want you to hurt so bad. so she tells you little things to try to ease the pain.

    when my ex did come back after the gf it was bitter sweet. i had may family back, but at a high price. things just weren't the same. how can things be the same after your spouse has been with someone else? that will eat at you every time you are together. and the trust is gone too. even if she didn't cheat before she moved, it will have the same effect if she returns. you will always wonder where she is when she lv's the house and you are not with her. you will wear her down with question on where she was and who was she with when she was gone. you will not even see what you are doing. it will just happen. you will always wonder if she's thinking of him while she's with you. i think once a spouse steps over the line and into a physical/emotional relationship with someone else during a sep. that is the end of things. its hard to get over once you are back together. that's what caused most of our arguements once my ex came back.

    your story sound soooo much like mine its not even funny. i wrote what i call "novels" to my ex on how i did wrong and how i would and have changed. and how things would be perfect if he would just give me one more chance. i talked till i was blue in the face and his ears were numb on the same stuff. i just wanted my family back. we spent the next six years "working" on things. but looking back i think the last two to three years were spent on him letting go. he says that he loves me because i'm his kids mom. but he doesn't love me like a husband loves a wife. i think thats prob what your wife is telling you. she loves you but not like a wife should love a husband. you will always have a bond because you have a kid. but not like you should if you were head over heels for each other. its a hard pill to swallow, but you got to anyway....

    a few months before my ex moved out i found out he was spending a lot of time with a co-worker. they have worked together for like 8 years and she was going through a divorce too. i found her work and cell number. i called her at work to see what the relationship was that she had with my husband. she said they were just old friends. that call made things worse for me cause my ex was furious. just like you wife will be if you write her bf an email. it only makes things worse so don't do it. it will not help you. it will prob only make them closer because you will be the crazy ex and she will be the victim.

    i would stay away from her family too. even if you guys are close it will only make things worse. i was very close to my ex's family. and it was hard letting them go. but i think it made things worse on me for hanging onto them.

    last march i felt like my life was going to end. my ex moved out at the end of march. i was so upset. my kids moved with him until i could get over the whole thing. i was a mess. the co-worker friend turned into the gf. that was hard. but nothing i could do about it. i know its hard to think about meeting anyone else right now. but you will not be able to move on until you find someone. even if just a friend to hang out with. i did meet someone a few months after my ex moved out. and man did it help. for once i felt like there was life after the ex. i didn't want to die every other second. i said i would never fall in love again or even consider getting marired again. but that changed too. i know its not the same for everyone, but sometimes it takse the attention of another to show you there is light at the end of the tunnel.

    as for the ex and his new gf they are fit for each other. she has a son that is the same age as mine. she is very good to my kids and the..*gulp*..love her. thats hard to say.. but it could be worse. she could be some gold digging bar rat that hated my kids and didn't want them around but put on an "act" till she snagged the dad. but she's nothing like that. and now my daughter lives with me and my son lives with the ex. i'm about as happy as i ever thought i could be with my bf and his two kids..

    sorry for the "novel". just wanted to get my 2cents worth in. there is life after divorce and heartbreak. what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger...and more determined...
    Yes, she did cheat on me before moving out with this guy. And for all I know when took a trip to Colorado a couple of months ago to take her daughter to her Dad's house, she left for the weekend to go visit a girlfriend and told me stories of bar hopping, puking in her car and massive hang overs. One thing about that weekend that my brother-in-law reminded me of yesterday was "didn't she meet with an old boyfriend one night"? which he was right. I completely forgot about that, she told me that she met him for dinner at a resaurant, but for all I know she could have cheated on me with him or some other guy while she was getting drunk at bars with her girlfriend....problem is I'm such a trusting person and took what ever she said as gospel. Well, there I go again going off on tangents to answer one little question....in short, yes she did cheat on me before she left and now, yes, she is reminding me that NOW she isn't cheating because she's filed for divorce and it's all in the open...but it wouldn't be had I not found out about it and confronted her with it...she would still be trying to hide it to "save my feelings".

    Yes I agree with you she's not leading me on anymore she's just trying to let me down easy.

    Yes, I agree if she did come back I would always be questioning who, what, where, when...and I would drive her away again because I'd always be wondering. I know you don't think so in the long run, but you were really lucky to have had that second chance...I know I'm contadicting myself but I still wish she would come back not only to give me the chance to redeam myself but just to have my family back together again.

    Her family has even said, I hope that you don't act like "so and so" my ex husband, he just won't have anything to do with my family anymore and is just a real ***. I do love her family and they apparently love me and want me to come to family functions in the future (although they didn't invite me to their Easter get together yesterday...hmmm) but I don't want to be looked at as Jim the bitter ******* that won't talk to us anymore.

    Yes, I understand what you're saying about how she still loves me but not like a wife loves a husband anymore...that's gone and that was painful for me to read. I wonder if that feeling can ever come back but I imagine that it most likely will not...not after she's been with this guy. Yes, a very hard pill to swallow.

    Thank you for your input, it evoked quite a bit of emotion from me and, yes I do so the similarity in what you went though...it helps. And by the way, I actually considered again emailing this guy last night...glad I didn't, you're right, it would only make it worst and put the closer together and make me the crazy person. Thanks, no emails, no contact with him..EVER!

     
    Old 04-09-2007, 09:37 AM   #64
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    Yeah - Don't contact the guy. Granted he messed around with a married woman, but it's her that you are married to. Not him. He is not the reason your marriage is over.
    Besides, if this is the way she does things, he will find out on his own down the road when she dumps him for someone else and moves on.

     
    Old 04-09-2007, 09:37 AM   #65
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Nina000 View Post
    Jim, can you not just go away for a vacation for a couple of weeks with your son? You will also have a complete break from her. Remove yourself from this environment where you are constantly reminded of her.
    Money is pretty tight right now so, no, I wish I could. The house is on the market and we have a dog...i would love to get a way but it's not doable right now.

     
    Old 04-09-2007, 09:51 AM   #66
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by onyR View Post
    Not that this might be of much help but think about your future.

    What I mean by that is... a few months down the road you'll be ready for new things, new people, new love (meaning, dating). I wait about four months before asking a girl out on a date. We went out, had a good time. Shortly after I got to be with another woman for the first time in 12 years. It was amazing and so much fun. She is smoking hot. Sorry, losing track of my thoughts

    Anyway, what I mean is there is so much out there you can experience. So many fish in the sea. You think (right now) that your wife was the one for you... but she is not worth your time... and in a few months you will look back and see that she was just that. You'll question why you tried so hard with her. You'll see she wasted your time and she didn't deserve even that.

    Hell, go out this weekend with your friends. Go to a club, bar, etc. Have fun. I promise you it CAN be fun. You CAN look forward to your future as a single guy while she will be a dark, evil person that will never be happy with anything or anyone. There is a special place in hell for people like that! (Helps me sleep at night )
    Yes, I've actually tried even recently to put myself out there on an internet dating site with little success. I'm a smaller than average guy (5'5", used to be 133 but now I'm 116) and most woman aren't interested in a guy my size, they're looking for a big guy like you so my prospects are VERY limited. Yes, I do agree a that looking towards my future is a good thing to think about, that there are more fish in the sea....it's just that the odds are harder for my situation. Also I don't have a job, still looking. I'd like to do something from home, like an internet based company like an ecommerce site but there are so many scams out there I don't know to do. You mentioned that you work from home, would have any suggestions for me on what types of business I can get into to that would enable me to make good money like you? I'm open to suggestions, anything really at this point. I need to make some money and the job interviews and resumes that I've been sending out have been fruitless. I'd love your input on this! Maybe an affiliate program that really works...if I had work to throw myself into, I could stop my mind from spinning out of control with this thoughts of her and him and my self pitty.

    I've been trying to look for groups to meet with but, quite frankley, I'm just so depressed at this point, I think I would be a wall flower at an event like this and just look like a crazy person in the corner watching everyone. ...I'm just not there yet, not ready to venture out and socialize.

     
    Old 04-09-2007, 11:08 AM   #67
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Jim1961 View Post
    Money is pretty tight right now so, no, I wish I could. The house is on the market and we have a dog...i would love to get a way but it's not doable right now.
    Well dont go away but you should def take up a new hobby/keep busy.
    is there someting youve always wanted to do? to take up? have a browse on the internet....books? new sport? crafts? anything at all thatll keep you busy and youll enjoy...
    perhaps organise a holiday for the future?

    keep exercising as well, it help SOOO much with stress relief and youre alwasy left feeling great afterwards

    youll get through this
    im so excited for you, itll be a new life doesnt sound so good but give it time youll be looking back at all this and laughing at how you cried your ex...youll see

     
    Old 04-09-2007, 11:15 AM   #68
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    Jim, there is something else that I would like to add re the dating world: stay confident. A break-up like yours can bring your self-esteem really down and make you dwell on all the negatives. But you have to have faith in yourself.

    Apple is right, exercise is a great way to keep your spirits up, I know that you couldn't care less now but trust me once you start, you will feel the difference, even if it is slight. TRy to force yourself to do so.

    Definitely don't descend yourself to the level of this moron, don't give him the satisfaction, you are higher than that.

     
    Old 04-09-2007, 12:41 PM   #69
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by apple_juice View Post
    Well dont go away but you should def take up a new hobby/keep busy.
    is there someting youve always wanted to do? to take up? have a browse on the internet....books? new sport? crafts? anything at all thatll keep you busy and youll enjoy...
    perhaps organise a holiday for the future?

    keep exercising as well, it help SOOO much with stress relief and youre alwasy left feeling great afterwards

    youll get through this
    im so excited for you, itll be a new life doesnt sound so good but give it time youll be looking back at all this and laughing at how you cried your ex...youll see
    Thanks apple, yes I have been exercising a bit, push ups and sit ups that kind of thing and I do feel a little better...getting a little muscle tone back in my upper body. Trying to take a up new hobbie is hard, I play acoustic guitar and I guess I could pick that up again but the spirit to sing just isn't there right now. Thank you for your optimistic thoughts about my future. I did join an internet dating service and have recently connected with one woman who I've exchanged several emails with and recently spoke with her on the phone. She's nice and said that I was "a delight" to talk with...whether or not this works out between us is unknown but just having someone to chat with that could lead to romance is a little exciting. It would certainly take my mind away from my wife and her bf. I'm trying.

    I have a day planned to take my son out on a Daddy and son trip in mid May but nothing before then. I'll try and arrange something.

     
    Old 04-09-2007, 12:55 PM   #70
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    That is sounding great!

    Maybe try running or doing sports outside? That really brings me back to life...the fresh, cold air in my lungs....wonderful.

    so, what is this new lady like?

     
    Old 04-09-2007, 12:55 PM   #71
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Nina000 View Post
    Jim, there is something else that I would like to add re the dating world: stay confident. A break-up like yours can bring your self-esteem really down and make you dwell on all the negatives. But you have to have faith in yourself.

    Apple is right, exercise is a great way to keep your spirits up, I know that you couldn't care less now but trust me once you start, you will feel the difference, even if it is slight. TRy to force yourself to do so.

    Definitely don't descend yourself to the level of this moron, don't give him the satisfaction, you are higher than that.
    Nina, yes I have been exuding a positive attitude and staying confident with the dating thing...see the comment I just made in response to apple about the internet dating thing I'm doing. And yes, no contact the bf, no emails no calling him and cussing him out, no contact at all.

    The only thing I DO catching myself doing, like today when I called to speak with my son (who didn't want to talk with me, too busy playing) was telling my wife that this has been a hard weekend for me being without the kids, knowing they are there with her bf, the fact that I'm upset that she's even with the bf, upset that we're astrainged and just not happy about the whole situation...to which she simply said "I'm sorry".

    She is coming over here to the house tonight with the kids. We're all going to sit down (including my brother-in-law who's visiting and will be here after we eat) and have dinner and she said (which kind of surprised me) we can sit around and have some beers or wine and just hang out. I must be strong tonight, no begging for her to come back, no getting angry, asking about what they did....although I'm a bit upset that the bf bought my son some very special toy cars from the movie "Cars" that he really likes. He's showing me up with gifts to my son. I could wring his neck. I've got to be strong tonght though...how I'm going to accomplish this, I don't know...maybe a few ativan (anxiety meds).

     
    Old 04-09-2007, 12:58 PM   #72
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Jim1961 View Post
    Nina, yes I have been exuding a positive attitude and staying confident with the dating thing...see the comment I just made in response to apple about the internet dating thing I'm doing. And yes, no contact the bf, no emails no calling him and cussing him out, no contact at all.

    The only thing I DO catching myself doing, like today when I called to speak with my son (who didn't want to talk with me, too busy playing) was telling my wife that this has been a hard weekend for me being without the kids, knowing they are there with her bf, the fact that I'm upset that she's even with the bf, upset that we're astrainged and just not happy about the whole situation...to which she simply said "I'm sorry".

    She is coming over here to the house tonight with the kids. We're all going to sit down (including my brother-in-law who's visiting and will be here after we eat) and have dinner and she said (which kind of surprised me) we can sit around and have some beers or wine and just hang out. I must be strong tonight, no begging for her to come back, no getting angry, asking about what they did....although I'm a bit upset that the bf bought my son some very special toy cars from the movie "Cars" that he really likes. He's showing me up with gifts to my son. I could wring his neck. I've got to be strong tonght though...how I'm going to accomplish this, I don't know...maybe a few ativan (anxiety meds).
    I dontknow what other people think, but should you be sitting down to have dinnner with this woman? I know she is the mother of your child, but does she need to be around socializing with you?
    of course, you do need some kind of contact because of your son, but i think distance is the key to moving on....not having a family dinner so soon....
    any elses thoughts?

     
    Old 04-09-2007, 01:41 PM   #73
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    Dinner with the wife/soon-to-be ex is a GOOD idea IMO. Their son needs to see that, he needs to see that his parents still love him and are there for him. I think needs to be done every so often right now since this boy is so little.

    Jim, just be STRONG. Act like you don't give a rip what she does or doing. Don't let her smell the pain you are dealing with. If you act like you don't care, it WILL bother her more than you crying in front of her. And when you think of this guy who is with your crazy-woman... just think "Poor guy, he has no idea what he is getting into".

    Anyway, and YES! Keep chatting with this girl online. Go to ******* and sign up. Think you're too old? Never. I'm 32 and I have about 100 friends on there from HS and some people I just meet. It's a great place to find dates, maybe an old crush that would like to go out and have a good time with you. Sites like match.com, etc aren't that great. ******* is a really good one to visit.

    Have fun Jim, think of this as a new start in your life. It will be stressful at times, but the positives will outweigh the stress. Trust me.

    As for jobs? I worked in the online gaming industry for about 10 years. Worked with people who made BILLIONS. While I still deal with it.. it went from a $100,000/year job as almost a part-time deal to where it makes 1/5 that if I'm lucky. What I did was go back to school and finished my degree. I now work in Child Welfare for the state I live in. Finding a job online, it's not easy. I got into my business when the internet was just starting to pick up and was one of the first that did what I did. Now, it's died. That is too much stress IMO.

    BTW: I don't think woman care about how tall or how much you weigh. Look at Tom Cruise! A nice guy goes a looooong way IMO. A good dad goes a loooong way.

     
    Old 04-09-2007, 02:16 PM   #74
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    Oh great, joing the site and talking to a nice woman, but you should keep your options open. It will distract you to feel special and to talk to someone who cares. But try and not talk about your wife much to her.
    Good for your child having a nice gift but ..he can not give your son the love that you can give him, this is invaluable. His money can't buy it.
    I agree with Apple that you shouldn't have dinner with her. Don't set yourself up for freshening your hurt. It may be late to suggest this and hard to accept it now. Anyway, don't ask her anything personal, remember that she chose to do this to you so she doesn't deserve your care and love, save them for someone who appreciates you. Don't let her have her cake and eat it too. I feel (I hope that I am wrong) that she is enjoying hurting you.

    Good luck tonight.

    Last edited by Nina000; 04-09-2007 at 02:18 PM.

     
    Old 04-09-2007, 02:24 PM   #75
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    Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by onyR View Post
    Dinner with the wife/soon-to-be ex is a GOOD idea IMO. Their son needs to see that, he needs to see that his parents still love him and are there for him. I think needs to be done every so often right now since this boy is so little.

    Jim, just be STRONG. Act like you don't give a rip what she does or doing. Don't let her smell the pain you are dealing with. If you act like you don't care, it WILL bother her more than you crying in front of her. And when you think of this guy who is with your crazy-woman... just think "Poor guy, he has no idea what he is getting into".

    Anyway, and YES! Keep chatting with this girl online. Go to ******* and sign up. Think you're too old? Never. I'm 32 and I have about 100 friends on there from HS and some people I just meet. It's a great place to find dates, maybe an old crush that would like to go out and have a good time with you. Sites like match.com, etc aren't that great. ******* is a really good one to visit.

    Have fun Jim, think of this as a new start in your life. It will be stressful at times, but the positives will outweigh the stress. Trust me.

    As for jobs? I worked in the online gaming industry for about 10 years. Worked with people who made BILLIONS. While I still deal with it.. it went from a $100,000/year job as almost a part-time deal to where it makes 1/5 that if I'm lucky. What I did was go back to school and finished my degree. I now work in Child Welfare for the state I live in. Finding a job online, it's not easy. I got into my business when the internet was just starting to pick up and was one of the first that did what I did. Now, it's died. That is too much stress IMO.

    BTW: I don't think woman care about how tall or how much you weigh. Look at Tom Cruise! A nice guy goes a looooong way IMO. A good dad goes a loooong way.
    Thanks onyr,

    Yeah that's what I think, the kids will be better seeing us all together and getting along, hopefully, and showing them love and support. The only thing that I wonder about it if it's more confusing for them coming from a weekend with Mom and her new bf and their public displays of affection to coming home to seeing us (mom and dad) not being affectionate to one another like they were used to seeing all the time. That's got to be confusing to them, especially my son.

    Yes, I'll try and be strong, have glass of wine and just chill. I did tell her on the phone today that this weekend was very difficult, that I was upset about them being up there with her and the bf, the fact that I don't like her seeing this guy (admitting to my jealousy AGAIN) and the fact that I didn't want her calling from his phone to my house because it's upsetting to me just to see his name come up on the caller ID. She knows in no uncertain terms that I'm jealous and continue to be so acting like I'm not tonight, she'll know is simply an act and won't upset her at all. Did that whole thing make sense?

    The forum edited out the names of the dating sites beside match that you mentioned...don't know which one's you meant?

    thanks for talking about the job thing...yes making money at home using the internet seems to be an illusive thing. everyone says (ads that is) that it's easy and you can make a very comfortable wage doing whatever, selling, or marketing or whatever, but most are just scams to get your money. There's got to be something out there that's legit. If anyone knows of something I can look into, I'm soooo open to suggestions. I'm a college grad, business admin with computer programming and i've owned my own business for a long time but reached burn out and quite....been looking for something ever since.

    Well now Tom Cruise is Tom Cruise, rich, famous...seems like anyone rich and famous who is a little shorter than average never has a problem dating....me, not so much. I'll have to work it a little harder, way more of a numbers game for me.

     
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