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linda38 10-04-2007 02:58 PM

he's still not divorced
My life is straight from a soap opera. I am 38 yrs. old, divorced with 2 children and dating a guy for about a yr. and he still isn't divorced. If I told you every detail from beginning to end you would wonder why I am still with him. I know he loves me and that he doesn't want to be with his wife, but the excuses that why he is not getting the divorce done is really getting old. We have been living together for a year and he talks about our future together and we get along Great! Everything is perfect, except for this. I read another readers situation on this message board yesterday and she has the same situation I have and I know what I need to do, but I've been trying to make my self go threw with it, but I just can't, it's so hard. I need some advice on what I should do, someone please help.

Larrylou'smom 10-04-2007 04:38 PM

Re: he's still not divorced
this is a hard one, but I think the only thing you really can do is look into your future, and ask yourself what you see, what you really want to see. You are in charge of what takes place to a large degree, and the choices are yours. Do you love this man enough to be with him whether or not you have the piece of paper making it official? Or do you want commitment, stability, the wedding day, the white dress, the cake, the "real" home, etc. whether it's with this guy or someone else? Prioritize, decide what's most important to you and go after it. If you love this guy, and being with him now is worth the risk of him deciding in 5 years that he'd rather marry someone else, and you think it's worth the risk of being what I call "Rod Stewarted" (he never married Kelly Emburgh, she gave up her modeling career for him, he claimed "we don't need apiece of paper" etc. then when she was 35 and too old to go back to modeling, he dumped her and was married to Rachel Hunter within 6 months. Is being with this man worth taking the risk of having that happen to you?) or perhaps he would never do that to you, who knows? But keep in mind, he's been married before, therefor he's not that adverse to the institution. I'm pretty sure the day will come, the woman will come, that he will want to marry again. The question is, will it be you? If not, how much time are you willing to sacrifice to him just because you love being with him, even if it has no future?

But keep in mind that whatever happens, you must take the responsibility for the choice you make. I dont' think made it any easier for you. This is just really a hard, hard situation. It's really easy for me as a perfect stranger at a computer keyboard to say "If he really loved you, he'd be divorced by now and ready to move on with his life with you" but I know in your heart it's not that black and white. I guess you just have to think long and hard and ask yourself "what do I really really want, and am I ever going to get it from him?" Good luck to you.

happymom28 10-04-2007 05:13 PM

Re: he's still not divorced
I kind of wonder what is making him drag his feet. I mean, when I was going through with my divorce I couldn't wait for it to be official. My ex on the other hand was dragging his feet in some lame attempt to win me back.

I just think that if he really wanted to get divorced he would be. He is living with you, so what is stopping him? You have two children living with you (I'm assuming of course) and he is just as much a part of their life as yours.

You are in a very tough predicament. It is very easy for me to tell you to do this or that, but I am not emotionally invested in this situation. I would just think that if this guy loves you like he says he does and talks about a "future" with you that he would be able to put an end to his past. It really seems that simple to me.

I guess you really need to talk to him and tell him how you feel. I don't want to say to give him an ultimatum, but I don't know what else is going to get him to finalize the whole thing.

I'm sorry, I probably wasn't much help at all.

linda38 10-05-2007 09:07 AM

Re: he's still not divorced
Thank you so much for writing me back. You have know idea how much it helps. When I was getting divorced I wanted it done and over with. My ex and I used the same attorney and we didn't fight over anything, the only thing that mattered was the kids, material items meant nothing. And within 30 days our divorce was final, and it will be a year in October. Well he has the same attorney I had and he keeps saying that the attorney doesn't call him back or hasn't moved on the situation. Well I am tired of hearing that. Cause if he (the attorney) could get mine done right away, why not on his. I do want a future with him and we are good together and I know he loves me but I feel that there is one thing missing that I may not give him. But I would like to give you an idea of what type of woman I am dealing with. His wife is a liar and manipulator. For close to two years she has told him that she has breast cancer and says she is dying. She has never received any treatment for this condition. And then came to him in March of this year and says that she has 6 months to live, which gives her to Nov. And still no treatment. Now during this time she has spend alot of time in the bars around town and doing physical work, and has worked out. Now I told him to supoena her medical records to see if she is telling the truth. Because I would think that if you had this condition you would do whatever it takes to be here for her daughter. (they have a 13 old together) and the daughter has no idea. He was also told by her ex-boyfriend that she is seriously mental and seems like she is bi-polar, her moods change like the wind. And she will ask different guys for money cause she doesn't want to work. And she still calls him too. Now I ask you, wouldn't you want to get the divorce from someone like this when you found someone who treats you good, you getting along with, have so much in common and who does work hard. So I just don't know why he is dragging his feet.

rosequartz 10-05-2007 09:14 AM

Re: he's still not divorced
maybe he's dragging his feet because he realizes how much it's gonna cost him.......

Larrylou'smom 10-05-2007 10:22 AM

Re: he's still not divorced
Well, the bottom line is, I don't think it really matters WHY he's dragging his feet. That's not really the important thing. IF he really wanted to be with you, he'd move heaven and earth to be with you, no matter what. The bottom line is, he's just not emotionally available to be anything more to you for the forseeable future. You need to decide whether you're ok with that or not. that's really all there is to it.

amy2705 10-05-2007 12:47 PM

Re: he's still not divorced
This exact situation happened to my cousin. She's been with her bf for 15 years. He was married when they got together and he's still married. She's not the "mistress" on the side or anything - he's seperated and was when he began with my cousin. The point is that he's STILL techically married. Given that he and his wife have been apart for 20 years and the marriage is really only a technicality, you'd think it's no big deal. But it is. He had a heart attack last year. His WIFE was in charge. His WIFE is the beneficiary of his estate. His WIFE called all the shots when he was sick and will do so if anything happens to him. My cousin, who has been with him for 15 years and living with him for more than 10 was shut out. If he'd died, she would have basically been out of a home (the one that she's shared with him over a decade and put significant effort into) and left alone, with nothing, and no say in anything having to do with him. It's a pretty scary prospect.

Just make sure you protect yourself and your intersts - just in case he never divorces his wife (for whatever reason). My cousin's guy dragged his heals and had a million excuses. He finally (15 years later) came out with the truth - he just doesn't want to get a divorce. Strangely, he thinks it would upset his adult children. And he thinks he "owes" it to his wife -- so she can stay on his health plan, etc. That's fine for his wife (and actually pretty decent of him in a way) ... but it really makes things pretty tricky for my cousin. Make sure you don't get yourself into her situation. Even though my cousin is his stable, long term partner and he loves her, etc. - the reality is that she is technically and legally his mistress while his estranged wife is ... his wife.

linda38 10-05-2007 01:19 PM

Re: he's still not divorced
And you are right. His wife has a way of making him feel guilty. She is so good at manipulation. Everything I have told him about her has been right. I am the one on the outside looking in and he is still in that bubble looking around. I don't believe anything that comes out of her mouth at all. Even though he thinks I'm his girlfriend, I know I'm still the mistress. And it makes me feel so low of myself. I want him just to understand how this makes me feel and to put him self in my place. My ex has never caused any problems in our relationship and he has never had to deal with him. But I have had to deal with her all the time and the mind games she plays. This has stressed me out for over a year. And everytime I bring this up to him about getting it done or why isn't it done he seems to be on the defensive. And that is not a good sign. Everyone who has sent me their advice had helped me, I plan on having one last heart to heart talk to him and really explain why I feel this way, what I want for the future for both of us. My heart just feels like its breaking already. I feel so hurt right now and have felt this way for a long time. I hope he really realizes what he has and what he is about to lose.

robynomarc 10-05-2007 01:56 PM

Re: he's still not divorced
You are living with a married man, bottom line. It's wrong, he will never leave his wife. You are allowing him to have his cake and eat it too. You and your children deserve better than this. I would give him an ultimatum and tell him "you either leave your wife so that WE can become a true family or I'm gone." See what he does. It's amazing to me how many women are with married men and just don't get why they don't leave their wives....he has the best of both worlds right now. Best of luck to you....:)

linda38 10-30-2007 10:05 AM

Re: he's still not divorced
update: the court date for the divorce is Nov. 9th. In the last few weeks alot has been happening. he is fighting to get his daughter back. She was living with us since January of this year. Her mother abandoned her and never fought to get her back. She wouldn't call her on a daily basis and there was a time she didn't even see her for two months. She likes to go out to the bars and has seen several different men. She never once paid any money for support of the child. In August of this year the daughter who is 13 wanted to go back to her old school and in order for her to do that she would have to move back with her mom. I said no, due to the fact that her mother was never there for her. But he let her go back for two reasons. One that she could go to her school and the other was that the mother was claiming that she was dying of breast cancer. Well we just found out that she has been lying about that for over a year, has no job, and used that just to get her back for the child support. Her last boyfriend is coming to testify on my boyfriends behalf. She does not deserve this little girl, she needs to be with us and in a stable home. I had been telling him this for over a year that the mother was lying and now I wonder if he will give her what she deserves...nothing at all. I despise this woman for lying about something like that, when there are so many people who die from cancer. I told him he should nail her to the wall. But I do think that he still feels sorry for her. I guess I will wait and see what happens Nov. 9th

happymom28 10-30-2007 10:59 AM

Re: he's still not divorced
How sad linda! It's is truly amazing to me how some parents can act so irresposible. I hope everything goes well and you are able to get his daughter back into a stable home. I'm glad that things are going in more positive direction. Please let us know how it goes. :angel:

GenesBecky 11-11-2007 09:41 PM

Re: he's still not divorced
He can give you every excuse out there. but there is no real excuse for not getting a divorce if he really wants one. they arent that expensive, and if it is a contested one, if she refuses to sign the papers, then after a year its granted anyways. you need to buckle down and tell him he needs to make a choice. either he gets a divorce or he loses you. you might love him and think he loves you, or he might really love you, but the longer u stay with him while he is still married, the bigger the heartache you could be setting yourself up for.

elatedgiraffe 11-12-2007 02:19 AM

Re: he's still not divorced
If hes worth it to you, which It seems he is fight for what you love. I was just in this same situation. My live in b/f had been seperated for over a year. His excuse to not proceed with the divorce was always a financial one, and I beleived it cause I know how bad off he was financially. Bottom line is this. A man is going to do what he is going to do. He will move mountains to be with you if you are worth it to him. Fight for what you love, but MAKE SURE he is fighting for what he loves as well. Actions speak louder than words and there is no reason in the world that if a man wants to truely be with you, he will do what it takes; especially if he knows that not getting a divorce is hurting you. My boyfriend and his ex acted divorced. He payed child support; she had a boyfriend; he lived with me. His whole family knew that he was "divorced", etc. Bottom line is that he was never legally divorced. Neither party had even started the divorce. And guess what? He went back to his "psycho" ex this past weekend. So I have learned this lesson the hard way. Just protect yourself. Protect your heart. I am crushed and would have demanded for the divorce before he moved in with me; but I was in love and everything was so good and we were so happy that I let my emotions get the best of me and through the logic of the situation out the window. I didn't want to be the bad guy. I didn't want to stress him out more than he was. I beleived that he was done with her based on what he told me and everyone who knew me told me. I was wrong. There obviously was unresolved issues between him and her that only him and her knew about. Every situation is different. Yours hopefully will end better. Regardless, you have put yourself at risk. But I guess we all put ourselves at risk when in love. The important thing is to make sure you are ready for the possible outcome that he may never legally/emotionally leave his wife. Prepare yourself for that pain. It is hard. Best of luck to you.

linda38 11-13-2007 01:04 PM

Re: he's still not divorced
Well Nov. 9th came and went. The court date was postponed. He told me the judge postponed the date, but no word on the new date. Elatedgiraffe you have no idea how right you are. I haven't really pressured him about getting it done and when I do he says how the attorney isn't doing his job. She has called him during the day, but the calls are short 1-5 min. I don't even talk to my ex and when I do it is strickly about the kids. My bf has never had to worry about my ex. My divorce was final over a year ago. And I had the same attorney my bf has right now. So which makes me think he is still dragging this out. He tells me he is happy with me and loves me and talks about our future. But like you said how do I know that he won't go back to her. He has been with me for over a year and still not divorce and having this court date postponed just puts another knife in my back. I really do love him with all my heart and I do get a gut feeling that I will be hurt in the long run. I just don't have the self-confidence to tell him "either you have the divorce done in 30 days or I'm gone". I know I have let this go on long enough and that is my fault. And if he does love me and I am important to him and my feelings do matter he will do it. I am sorry that your situation turned out like it did. How can people play with your feelings the way that they do and not feel for what the other person is going threw. I am a true, honest, caring person and don't do the things to hurt someone because of the fact that it would hurt me if someone did it to me. Why does life have to be so complicated.

elatedgiraffe 11-13-2007 06:45 PM

Re: he's still not divorced
I have to say that it made me uncomfortable reading that you know he isn't going back to her. You NEVER know. My boyfriend said he was happy with me. My boyfriend said he wanted to have children with me. My boyfriend talked to me numerous times asking me that soon he wants me to go with him arcross the country back to his home state near his family. He told me he loved me more than he ever loved his wife. He told me that I am awesome with his children and they adore me. He said that I gave him hope in teaching him that there is more to life than his ex....blah, blah, blah. If you have a deep down feeling that you may end up hurt, PLEASE trust it. Wait this thing out. I did. Eventually he'll get the divorce or NOT. Eventually he will be with you years from now, or NOT. But prepare yourself for the worst; hope for the best. I am also that kind, giving, caring person. Next time, I would have not CARED so much. Trust me if the situation was reversed, he would make his needs and concerns about you getting a divorce very known. So stick up for yourself. Stick up for your needs. Stick up for what you want. Cause if you don't, who will? I know you don't want to push the issue; but if HE was doing things the way you have asked him to do so then there would be no issue to push. Maybe I'm cynical now. I just wish I would have protected myself more, and don't want to see you go through the same pain I am dealing with now, every minute of everyday. Regardless, we are always here for you no matter what happens or what you decide.

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