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    Old 09-15-2008, 11:03 AM   #16
    pendulum
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    Re: Marrying a divorced woman?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Argamemnon View Post
    Yes, but on the other hand, I strongly feel that she views my inexperience as something positive. She is looking for a 'nice guy', like me, who won't leave her like her previous jerk husband. I also feel bad because of this.
    Excuse me, but you feel bad because of what? Because of your little experience with women? This may be the case, but I don't think you have lived your youth entirely in vain. You probably had different experiences that have also enriched your life in particular ways. You may not know an inch about practical sex, but perhaps you have a deeper understanding of the human soul, more empathy and more compassion towards the other gender, who knows? These are your assets. I tell you that you can learn the essentials of sex in one session: you just allow her to show you. That will be a unique opportunity for her, and I hope she can welcome it. No, I am not telling you to go and have sex with her straightaway. Just do that when the right time comes. I am just trying to address your preoccupations about having no sexual experience and having thus lost your youth. That is not true, unless you have been sleeping in a cave (was it a cave?) like Rip van Winkle for twenty long years.

     
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    Old 09-15-2008, 12:20 PM   #17
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    Re: Marrying a divorced woman?

    In this day and age it is going to be difficult (not impossible) to find a woman that has no baggage and/or is a virgin. I think you are viewing your inexperience in a negative way and you shouldn't be. Just because you haven't had a relationship doesn't mean you don't have some wonderful things to offer a woman.

    So she is nice person? You find her attractive? You enjoy her personality? So what's the problem? Lets say you let her go in your quest to find that ideal "virgin". You find her and she isn't half the woman you are now interested. Then what? You will be kicking yourself for not taking this opportunity.

    Date her and get to know her. I understand that time seems to be of the essence for you, but don't allow it to be. I am a divorced woman and the man I am married to now is all I have ever wanted. I made my "mistakes" and I learned from them and have become a better person because of them. Give her the benefit of the doubt. If you have so much in common and enjoy eachother's company you shouldn't let your insecurities rule you.

     
    Old 09-15-2008, 02:09 PM   #18
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    Re: Marrying a divorced woman?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by happymom28 View Post
    I am a divorced woman and the man I am married to now is all I have ever wanted. I made my "mistakes" and I learned from them and have become a better person because of them. Give her the benefit of the doubt. If you have so much in common and enjoy eachother's company you shouldn't let your insecurities rule you.
    Was marrying your first husband a mistake, or do you mean that you have learnt from the mistakes you made in your marriage?

     
    Old 09-15-2008, 02:10 PM   #19
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    Re: Marrying a divorced woman?

    I've read a couple of your other posts and I'm a little confused. In other posts you say you don't have a girlfriend, however you are contemplating marriage with a woman. If you are not in a relationship (a "girlfriend") then how is it that you are planning to marry this woman? Have the two of you dated? Are you in fact in a relationship with her, and the two of you have discussed marriage?

    If you are simply thinking about dating, worrying about marriage is kind of jumping the gun. You mentioned that your families know each other, but you say you don't know her well. How is it that you are thinking about marrying her if you don't know her well?

    I don't mean to be rude with all the questions, but it seems like you are having anxiety over something that maybe you don't need to be. If you think this woman is the type and person you'd like to get to know better and spend time with, it would be better to do so without worrying about marriage before it's really necessary. It's hard to enjoy spending time with someone if you're all stressed out about something!

    I'd recommend spending time with her doing activities you both enjoy, perhaps church sponsored activities. Then go from there.

     
    Old 09-15-2008, 02:30 PM   #20
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    Re: Marrying a divorced woman?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Redneon82 View Post
    I've read a couple of your other posts and I'm a little confused. In other posts you say you don't have a girlfriend, however you are contemplating marriage with a woman. If you are not in a relationship (a "girlfriend") then how is it that you are planning to marry this woman? Have the two of you dated? Are you in fact in a relationship with her, and the two of you have discussed marriage?
    I'm not in a relationship, but I have known her almost all my life. Her parents and my parents have known each other for decades. Basically, our parents want to set us up. I know she is very interested (she obviously wants a 'nice guy' like me, after her jerk husband left her for a ten year older woman).

    Even though I like her, I have one problem. I'm unemployed (haven't worked in years due to social anxiety and depression) and have to find some (crap) job in the next few months. I want to do some course once we are married. It will be difficult (marriage, job and training). Unfortunately, I had left college due to social anxiety.. if only I knew what I wanted to do, I would be much more motivated.

     
    Old 09-15-2008, 02:48 PM   #21
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    Re: Marrying a divorced woman?

    Do you live with your parents? Can you do the course work now, before you do anything else?

    I know most people on here will recommend that you get things going before you get married, i.e., find work or finish school then find work, get your own place (if you do in fact live with your parents) and get established. Then you will be ready to take on the responsibilities of a wife and family (if you plan to have one). Treatment for your anxiety issues would probably be a good idea too.

    Marriage is work enough without the added stresses of trying to get a career going and/or going to school. Plus, you can use this time to get to know this woman better and find out if the two of you are suited for marriage. The nicest two people in the world may not be compatible for each other, so spending time together is crucial. I know a couple of very nice, very "suitable" men who I am just not interested in for romance. So spend time with her, maybe attend church together or invite her to a family gathering and see how things go.

    Last edited by Redneon82; 09-15-2008 at 02:49 PM.

     
    Old 09-15-2008, 03:13 PM   #22
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    Re: Marrying a divorced woman?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Redneon82 View Post
    Do you live with your parents? Can you do the course work now, before you do anything else?

    I know most people on here will recommend that you get things going before you get married, i.e., find work or finish school then find work, get your own place (if you do in fact live with your parents) and get established. Then you will be ready to take on the responsibilities of a wife and family (if you plan to have one). Treatment for your anxiety issues would probably be a good idea too.
    Thank you for your reply. I live with my parents. The girl has her own house, she is a secretary. I've recently started looking for jobs. I don't want to lose time so I want to marry her as soon as possible (after finding a job, but most jobs are temporary nowadays). She also wants to marry me as soon as possible. As to attending church; I'm a Muslim, lol.

    Last edited by Argamemnon; 09-15-2008 at 03:17 PM.

     
    Old 09-15-2008, 03:18 PM   #23
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    Re: Marrying a divorced woman?

    Oh, ok! Sorry for my lack, but I don't know much at all about the Muslim culture. I'm guessing that it's a little different marriage-wise than some other cultures (such as Christianity).

    I recommend finding a job and getting settled in, along with spending time with her, perhaps at family gatherings. Then, once you are settled in and you both are marriage-minded toward one another, you can begin planning your future.

    I don't think the simple fact of being divorced will bear much on your marriage, unless there are circumstances that are extreme. You both are young enough that you have many years ahead of you to build on.

     
    Old 09-16-2008, 05:48 AM   #24
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    Re: Marrying a divorced woman?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Argamemnon View Post
    Was marrying your first husband a mistake, or do you mean that you have learnt from the mistakes you made in your marriage?
    Oh, I mean marrying my exhusband was a mistake. Of course I made mistakes in the marriage given that I never should have married him in the first place. But I have to hold onto the fact that that experience shaped me into the person I am today.

    I had a feeling you were Muslim and your parents were nudging things a bit but I didn't want to assume. I agree that trying to take some classes and better yourself would be a start. Have you seen anyone about your anxiety/depression? Perhaps talking to someone and simple medication would do wonders for your situation?

     
    Old 09-16-2008, 06:23 AM   #25
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    Re: Marrying a divorced woman?

    If you rush into marriage you may find yourself divorced in the future. Then what? You are going into this marriage out of love and desire to have a future with this woman.

    What if your marriage is unhappy and doesn't work out? Does that mean that you will then have baggage and are undeserving of a another chance at a healthy marriage?

    I rushed into my marriage. It ended badly, very badly. He used the "bait and switch" where he pretended to be one way and then after we married, I found out he was not exactly how he presented himself in our short courting days. Seriously, don't rush. A year is not much time at all. I wish I had of given at least a year.

     
    Old 09-16-2008, 08:43 AM   #26
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    Re: Marrying a divorced woman?

    It sounds to me like you feel that you feel you are settling for 'second best' with this woman because of her past experience. If this is the case, then do not subject this poor woman to your judgments. She deserves a husband who cherishes her for who she is, not somebody who looks at her as 'used goods'. If it matters so much to you, you will be miserable and so will she. I cannot imagine her being interested if she knew how you are thinking of her, as somebody you need to be 'desperate' to consider. Step into the twenty first century and accept that virginity is not a hugely important factor any more. It is not like she was promiscuous, so do not judge her for not being 'pure'. Sera.

     
    Old 09-16-2008, 12:02 PM   #27
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    Re: Marrying a divorced woman?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by happymom28 View Post
    Oh, I mean marrying my exhusband was a mistake. Of course I made mistakes in the marriage given that I never should have married him in the first place. But I have to hold onto the fact that that experience shaped me into the person I am today.
    I think most young people are like that. They are young, energetic and have a healthy sex drive etc. They don't really think about possible consequences, and are led by the excitement of the moment and instinct.

    Quote:
    I had a feeling you were Muslim and your parents were nudging things a bit but I didn't want to assume. I agree that trying to take some classes and better yourself would be a start. Have you seen anyone about your anxiety/depression? Perhaps talking to someone and simple medication would do wonders for your situation?
    I've had therapy in the past. I have actually started applying for jobs now. I feel motivated. And I'm against medication, antidepressants have all sorts of nasty side effects, and also kills your libido.. I need my (already low!) libido :lol:

    Last edited by Argamemnon; 09-17-2008 at 05:54 AM.

     
    Old 09-16-2008, 12:24 PM   #28
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    Re: Marrying a divorced woman?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
    It sounds to me like you feel that you feel you are settling for 'second best' with this woman because of her past experience. If this is the case, then do not subject this poor woman to your judgments. She deserves a husband who cherishes her for who she is, not somebody who looks at her as 'used goods'. If it matters so much to you, you will be miserable and so will she. I cannot imagine her being interested if she knew how you are thinking of her, as somebody you need to be 'desperate' to consider. Step into the twenty first century and accept that virginity is not a hugely important factor any more. It is not like she was promiscuous, so do not judge her for not being 'pure'. Sera.
    The truth is that it has to do with me, not her. I consider myself a loser that I'm still a virgin. Why haven't I been able to experience love and sex in my prime? How on earth could I wait 32 long years, while I craved love and sexual intimacy so much? These thoughts kill me and make me jealous of other people. I actually feel I don't deserve such a great and experienced person with self-confidence.

    Now that I do have the opportunity to experience all this, I honestly can't, since I feel very depressed, and lack zest for living. No energy, very low libido, nothing is left of me. I hope you all understand that it's not easy to be in this situation.

    Last edited by Argamemnon; 09-16-2008 at 01:22 PM.

     
    Old 09-17-2008, 05:22 AM   #29
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    Re: Marrying a divorced woman?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Argamemnon View Post
    ... I hope you all understand that it's not easy to be in this situation.
    No, it is not easy.

    Do you want to open your heart with us and tell us why and how you have skipped sex or intimacy for all those years? What have you been doing in the meantime?

     
    Old 09-17-2008, 05:49 AM   #30
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    Re: Marrying a divorced woman?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
    No, it is not easy.

    Do you want to open your heart with us and tell us why and how you have skipped sex or intimacy for all those years? What have you been doing in the meantime?
    Social anxiety kept me from being intimate with someone, and I couldn't make many friends either. I also left college due to social anxiety. So, to your question "what have you done in the meantime?", I would have to reply; mainly procrastinating and living in isolation, which I feel very very guilty about.

    Last edited by Argamemnon; 09-17-2008 at 05:54 AM.

     
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