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    Old 11-23-2010, 08:18 AM   #16
    Sunsetnan
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    Re: How do holidays work with a separation?

    I had my first counseling session yesterday. I really like the woman, but she is 1 1/2 hours away. She did say that she was available by phone, so maybe we can work that out instead of the trip. It just so happened that the atty office called and needed me to sign another form. So, I didn't have to make another trip. So, now all the temporary custody paperwork is done for the moment, and will be submitted and we will just be waiting for a court date. I don't even think that I have to show up, just my atty. I feel good that this portion of the process is completed.

    My STBX actually asked if I was going to serve him or have someone else serve him the papers. I asked him which he preferred. He thought that if I served him, it would save money. This is coming from someone who spent all of our money!

    I was reading on the relationship board, and recognized some of the behaviors that one of the posters was talking about in his girlfriend who he thinks is a sociopath. I looked it up and sure, enough, my STBX has nearly all the symptoms! Wow! His symptoms are a bit milder, but I really don't know what is going on in his head. Since they are able to lie so well, it may be worse than I thought. This guy really is insane! For the sake of my children, I wonder if it is hereditary or treatable?

    I'm hoping this week and weekend will be a respite from all the drama at our house. The kids will be free to have fun and forget things for the moment. I think you are right about my youngest. We had a lot of fun on our trip yesterday, and I think he's realizing just how "normal" things will be once we get away from his father. My husband has been trying his hardest to separate the kids, even suggesting that he take custody of my youngest, but I think my sons are actually forming a closer bond. They've been playing games together- not without some bickering or fighting, but actually having fun and laughing together. It does my heart good to see this. I hope things will be better in the end for all of us.

    Hope you have a safe and happy Thanksgiving with your daughter.
    Best Regards,

     
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    Old 11-30-2010, 12:37 PM   #17
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    Re: How do holidays work with a separation?

    Hi Sunsetnan,

    I hope the holiday work out well for you and the boys. My daughter and I went to my brothers house. All is well.
    I just found out that the stress of this separation and impending divorce is taking a toll on my body. I have had minor cardiac issues for the last few years, and yes I believe they stem from dealing with the husband. Well I went to his cardiologist this morning, love his doctor, met him when my husband suffered a heart attack a few years ago. To make a long story short, my blood pressure was high and he has prescribed a blood pressure medication. My heart was beating to fast, so I am having a heart monitor placed tomorrow afternoon. I need to wear this monitor for the next 30 to 45 days. He is also ordering a couple of other tests that he wants completed before I return to see him in two weeks. This kind man told me that divorce stinks (used another work, but I think I violate rules if I type it) he went through it 4 years ago and his exact words to me were "Hang in there, there is an end to this nightmare, You can not see it yet, but it really is there, not around the corner, but it is in the near future."
    So I have it now from an experienced medical doctor, we can get through this nightmare, we do have to watch our health and seek attention when we notice any physical signs. He did say that even though a lot of doctors tell you that stress is causing the problem, stress can cause damage and he is going to try and help stem the flow of damage. He also told me that as my husband's treating doctor, he honestly does like my husband, think is a great guy, however, he also told me that he does have some issues that do need to be addressed and that he has watch me care for my husband and he knows that I would not have left for any other reason except for an extreme reason. I requested that he not write in the record the reason for my cardiac problems and he said nothing will be written. What a guy, I felt so relaxed and relieved when I left his office.
    Are you doing alright?
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    Old 11-30-2010, 11:25 PM   #18
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    Re: How do holidays work with a separation?

    Brenda:
    Had a nice Thanksgiving with my family at my sister's husband's nephew's house. I made sure that both boys were with me. They spent some time with their friends in the city where we used to live, and my youngest had a lot of fun being with his cousins. I didn't get anymore complaints from him after that first one in front of his dad. You were right, I think he just said that I was "forcing" him to come with me for his dad's benefit.

    I caught a lot of flack from my husband when I got home, however, and I ended up calling the police again. He didn't like it that I took the boys for Thanksgiving and was harassing me and saying that now he would have them for Christmas. I thought I had him convinced to leave and was heading to bed when he started harassing me again. I threatened to call the police, and yet, he did not leave. After I hung up the phone, my husband went and hid in the trailer and refused to open the door when the police knocked.

    In the last several days, he has been better, choosing to stay away or coming in briefly and then leaving. It will be okay for awhile, and then he will start up again, no doubt, like he's been doing. He even made some excuse about the propane tank being empty, and that he would freeze in the trailer- just an excuse to get in the house. It isn't as if he doesn't have lots of places to go. His parents own about 15 houses or more- rentals and I know for a fact that there are some empty. Or he can rent an apartment with the money he isn't paying for the mortgage.

    He's forced me to get a restraining order. I filled out the paper work and will go sign it tomorrow. It's as if he is pushing me to do this by his behavior. The attorney's office called and said that they filed the temporary custody papers and will serve him with the notice sometime soon.

    Every once in awhile, when my husband is away and not bothering us, I get a glimpse of what it will be like when this is all done and over. The kids and I laugh and are our old selves. I think the boys and I are becoming closer through all of this. You're right. We need to look to the future. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

    My health has been affected by the stress for a long time. I have Lupus and Fibromyalgia and had a stroke 5 years ago. Stress and infections make them flare. I went to a stress reduction program that teaches mindful meditation and yoga exercises. When I get all caught up in this, I forget to practice, and that is when I need it the most. I have been having some heart palpitations lately. They had checked out my heart when this happened before, (halter monitor, echocardiogram) and it was fine. I started taking some magnesium- suggested by a friend who is a medical professional, and my doctor okay'd it, but haven't noticed any change. I really need to get back to the meditation. Also, they found some nodules in my lungs that are growing and multiplying, and the valley fever test came back slightly positive. So, they are going to repeat the test in a couple of weeks and will do another CT scan in February. So, yes my health is affected.


    I certainly can't say that my husband is a great guy at this point in his life. I told some mutual friends that just because of our situation, I didn't want them to think bad of my husband, but they said that they knew how he treated me and made their own conclusion. I didn't know it was so apparent. I guess I had adapted to the emotional abuse. I didn't even mention the cheating part or the lying or the stealing. They figured the emotional abuse was enough of a reason.

    I have family and friends who are praying for me. It is so good to know that I have such support behind me. For so long I have felt so alone in my situation. But, I actually feel guilty for getting so much attention from everyone. I guess it's the mentality that I have been living with for so long.
    Hope you are "hanging in there!"
    Best Regards,

     
    Old 12-09-2010, 06:18 AM   #19
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    Re: How do holidays work with a separation?

    Well, here is a bit of an update. I may end up posting on the teen sight or a separate post. This is a long story. The divorce papers were served to my STBX and he had the gall to call the police on the process server! He did it just to be a jerk. Three cop cars came out. How embarrassing!

    Then, the next day he called the police on my eldest son. I had sent my youngest son to his room because his behavior was way out of control- most probably due to some mental problems he inherited from his dad or rebound low blood sugar. He was told not to come out until I had determined that he had calmed down. Within a minute, he had come out of his room and was continuing to rant. His older brother, who was losing his patience along with me, physically forced him back into his room. I saw the whole thing. I explained to my eldest that I would be the disciplinarian and that pushing his brother was inappropriate behavior. It was forceful, but he seemed in complete control.

    Well, the shoving into his room by his brother only angered my youngest who was still out of control. Then, he verbally attacked me by saying that I wasn't going to do anything to his brother for his actions. He started choking me in an effort to show me how his brother acted. He did this 4 times. I calmly explained that I would handle the disciplining of his brother and that I was more concerned about his behavior. I tried to talk to him but he was so emotional and having a fit that I had to leave the room. I explained that he was to remain in his room until he had calmed down. (A neighbor friend of his was visiting at the time- and I had to ask him to leave because of the youngest's poor behavior.)

    Well, without my knowledge, my youngest snuck out of the house and told his father a very different story, and his friend, who didn't see what had happened, sided with my youngest. Remember my STBX is the man who came back after separating and refused to leave and is squatting in the side yard in our trailer.) I went outside and told my STBX that my youngest was still in "time out" and that he needed to return to his room. He said he wanted to talk about my eldest's actions and I explained that I would talk with him later (not outside in front of the whole neighborhood) because I wanted to talk to my youngest first and get him situated back in his room. I brought my youngest back to his room and talked to him. In the mean time, my STBX called his parents and called the police on my eldest.

    So, my mother-in-law came over and started ranting to the cops about my eldest. They are just mad at him because he has taken my side in all this and are trying to get back at him. I apologized to the police for their behavior and explained the situation to him. I explained my mother-in-law that I had seen the whole thing and that their actions were not necessary and told her that his dad and I would handle this and she need not interfere and strongly urged her to leave. Of course she said some nasty things back to me.

    This all leads to yesterday when I had the police and the process server serve restraining orders to my soon to be ex (STBX). Of course, it was made into a big ordeal. My youngest was sent to a friend's house and then to a party and I was glad that he wouldn't be there to witness this.

    I asked that my STBX not take the car I was intending for my son to drive- it had been mine before I bought my new car and before all this it had been designated for my son to drive. Otherwise, we would have sold it. My STBX had his truck to drive. There was no reason he couldn't use that. But, he still took the car, more than likely to get back at our eldest son, and I knew it would be a big issue if I protested. In fact, one of the policemen said that I should allow it because he wanted to expedite things. Well, it took nearly two hours from the serving to him leaving.

    I was told to change the locks, etc... But the real issue now is that my youngest blames me for the fact that he can't see his father. He was so dramatic last night when he returned from the birthday party and said some terrible things to me. I know it is hard on him, but he's old enough to understand what is really going on, and he doesn't see his father's manipulation. I'm afraid he has the same mental conditions that his father and grandmother seem to have and that is keeping him from seeing the real picture.

    For awhile now, he has been talking to me as if he is my equal in age and authority. He can't seem to follow limits and rules. He tells me he is going to do something, and does not ask. If he wants to do something, he makes sure that he gets to do it or he has a fit until someone relents or he does it without my permission. Everything seems to be a battle, from brushing his teeth to eating his vegetables. He has been giving me the cold shoulder when he's angry with me and keeps a grudge for a long time.

    I looked into counseling and psychiatric evaluation for him and it will be costly. I am trying to save money for when we will have to move from the house because we haven't paid the mortgage because my STBX is still refusing to pay. Our insurance doesn't cover psych. very well. We will move out of town, and what happened this weekend just proves the need to get away from his parents and my STBX. There are a lot of choices in the other town for mental health care.

    Any suggestions on how best to handle my youngest during all this? He said he didn't want to go to school tomorrow (today) because he is so upset. We will see if he thinks differently now that he has calmed down overnight. I expect the cold shoulder today. I really thought we were getting back to being closer over Thanksgiving. He is so hot and cold. He shirked me off when I tried to hug him. We'll see.
    Best Regards,

    Last edited by Sunsetnan; 12-09-2010 at 06:31 AM. Reason: corrections

     
    Old 12-09-2010, 01:02 PM   #20
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    Re: How do holidays work with a separation?

    sunsetnan,

    Oh the hot and cold moods. They are happy when you always say yes, but when you say no or must disipline, wow what an attitute they develop. This is the game they play, which parent can the manipulate. Now that your SBTX is no longer on the property, you son does not have an outlet to get his way.
    I just had that small issue last night--my daughter wanted to go to the old country buffet for dinner, well I told her that it was too late because we were at the library finishing her english homework and that I did not know how much money I had left in the bank. (thank god tomorrow is payday).
    No matter what the therapy costs, you really need to get both boys some help dealing with the issue. Is there any type of counselor at either boys school. This may help with the costs because in school counselor do not charge for their services.
    Shame on the police officers--they are required to remain on scene until your STBX has left the premises. They are also not suppose to take sides. If the car was your property and you could prove ownership than they should not have permitted him to take the vehicle. You could cause some real issues for him and report the car stolen or cancel the insurance. Which you should still cancel the insurance, why should you pay for something that you do not have.
    My STBX is mad because he is going to be forced to pay child support guidelines if he signs our divorce agreement that has been prepared by my attorney. He told me that he was going to declare bankruptcy and let them forclose on our house and if he does that than the bank will come after me for the mortgage and my credit will be ruined. Last time I checked my credit was ruined a year ago.
    In terms of your mother-in-law--tell her to stick up her (you know where). She has no business interferring and shame on her son and the police for allowing her to voice her opinion.
    In terms of how the police handled the whole situation, well, I think you should contact your attorney and have him speak with the police chief to discuss their policy and procedures on handling family domestic issues. I think they may need some additional training.
    Please do not jump to conclusions that your son has some mental health issues--he is just not able to channel his anger and frustrations about the situation and he is still trying to figure out where he fits in the equation. Remember, he maybe getting some information from kids at school who "have been there done that". I know my daughter has come home and told me what some of her classmates have told her about the divorce process and what the courts have made them do.
    Maybe he is really angry at his father but is afraid to tell him, so LUCKY YOU---YOU GET IT.
    Just try to love him and give him extra hugs, let him have some space to cool his temper. Maybe when he is calm, you two can talk and make a plan that when he is out of control and needs some time, he will go to a particular part of the house and you will agree to leave him along until he is ready to talk. You also need to tell you oldest about the arrangement you have made with his brother.
    I am so sorry you are going through this time. My cardiologist actually told me last week (after of course he flipped when he saw my ekg and took my blood pressure) that he will get me through this with as little physical damage as possible. He told me that "you can not see the light at the end of the tunnel because it is not there yet---but it will be there---hopefully soon but most likely not soon enough". Now I am wearing a cardiac monitor 24/7 and must do a cardiac stress echo on Monday and see him again on Tuesday. So I am saying the same thing to you--"the light will be there for you soon, it is not just yet". That is why this board is here to help us both get through this horrible chapter in our lives.
    So please VENT VENT AWAY---I know it is really helping me and I hope it is helping you. <hug--tight and long>. Now breath and hugs those boys.
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    Last edited by shisslak; 12-09-2010 at 01:05 PM.

     
    Old 12-15-2010, 08:14 AM   #21
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    Re: How do holidays work with a separation?

    Hi Sunsetnan,

    Just checking in to see how you are doing.
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    Old 12-15-2010, 12:21 PM   #22
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    Re: How do holidays work with a separation?

    Hey, Brenda. I was just thinking about you and posting. With my STBX gone, there is much less drama.
    Got the locks changed at a reasonable rate. Got a post office box. Changed my passwords, changed my kid's cell phone numbers and put them on my phone plan. It's expensive to do all these things.

    Cleaned out the trailer that my STBX was living in. Found a receipt for two hair cuts and a foil job. Wondering who he is paying for to get a haircut besides himself and would need a foil treatment? Especially since the liar said that he wasn't having any contact with this other woman. Don't think his white-haired mother or father would be needing a foil treatment, right? Found a ticket he got for unsafe passing. This just further proves his recklessness.

    My son was doing his homework and was asking about what a haiku was. I explained and came over to him to see how he was coming along when he said, "Quit snooping!" I explained that I was wanting to help him with his homework and it wasn't considered snooping. He was using his iphone and accessing the internet to find the definition. I asked him about plagiarizing and he said he wasn't, but persisted with the snooping thing. My eldest overheard the conversation and agreed that my youngest seemed as if he was guilty of something. Finally, things died down but I wonder if he was having any contact with his father. I did ask him and he denied it.

    I found out that my STBX went to (another) church with his father on Sunday. He couldn't attend at our church on Sunday because my son serves at church and we have the restraining order. He could have gone to the Saturday mass, I suppose. This is the guy who I had to push to attend with us. No doubt he is trying to prove that he is a good church-going Christian, but I know better.

    Other than that, we are doing well. I'm trying to enjoy the holiday season. I have the fireplace on, the Christmas tree lights on, and Christmas music playing in the background. Baked some cookies, did some shopping. Enjoying the calm.
    Hope everything is going well with you. My court date is two days after Christmas. Will keep you updated.
    Best Regards,

    Last edited by Sunsetnan; 12-15-2010 at 12:24 PM. Reason: correction

     
    Old 12-15-2010, 01:11 PM   #23
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    Re: How do holidays work with a separation?

    sunsetnan,

    Started to reply and I had to stop, my daughter was live chatting me from the library--you think boys are bad--14 year old girls are just awful (happy one minute and biting you head off the next).
    I am glad that the drama has ease a bit. I am afraid mine may be beginning again. My attorney mailed out our proposed settlement agreement and I am requesting an increase in child support. He is currently paying 500.00 a month, however the state guidelines are that he should be paying 1000.00 a month. My god a thousand a month, I may actually be able to pay my rent and buy groceries along with all the other must have things that teen girls just have to have or they will not be able to face their peers in school.
    My daughter and I did buy our Christmas Tree last night so now I need to find decorations to put on the tree. I did buy her an ipod touch. She also wants a digital camera and the eclipse movie. I hope to be able to purchase the remaining items within the next couple of days.
    You can always know who your boys are calling or texting by going on line and checking. Typically, if you sign up to view your account online, there is usually an option to view the usage of all the phones on you plan. If your son is texting you STBX than stay in the backround and if your STBX mentions anything in Court about his son choosing to text him, than inquire why your STBX is responding back. (make sure your attorney has the heads up before he goes into court, so that he can print the phone records if he needs to prove communication by your STBX and your son.)
    Good luck in a couple of weeks, I go back to court on January 10. Hopefully, my STBX will sign the settlement agreement and this part of the nightmare will be over.
    Enjoy Christmas if I do not hear from you before.
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    Last edited by shisslak; 12-15-2010 at 01:12 PM.

     
    Old 12-15-2010, 05:44 PM   #24
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    Re: How do holidays work with a separation?

    Brenda,
    Here comes more drama. I pay $200 per month toward my son's and STBX's dental bills for their braces. I agreed to continue to pay as long as I received reimbursement from our Health Savings Account that comes out of STBX's check. He okayed for me to submit for reimbursement in his name. It comes out of his check automatically and can't be changed. If we don't use the money towards medical and dental bills, the company gets to keep it. I have been making payments and receiving the reimbursement since it's inception.

    I called today to find out that my husband told the HSA company that he did not authorize me to get reimbursement for the last two months and that I was not to be given any information about the account. How underhanded is that?

    Of course, the dentist doesn't care. They just want their money. And, the thing that gets me is that I know the dentist and his wife personally. They are old friends of mine. So, I have to be the bad guy and say that I can't pay. I already wrote the checks and gave them to them- so in effect, I am responsible for them until I can get the court to order anything different.

    Then, my mother-in-law calls. I talk to her- maybe I'm stupid but I don't want this lady on my bad side. She asks to speak with the kids. I say I don't think that is a good idea considering the situation, but I relent. I told her that she could get my STBX in trouble because it could be considered a third party contact and going against the restraining order. She argued the point. She talks to my eldest and he puts it on speaker phone so that I can hear. She starts talking about other things that don't have anything to do with him and I take the phone. I talk to her about what her son is doing with the HSA and she starts arguing the point. I wonder if she is behind some of this. Her discussion starts getting close to harassment, and I kindly end the call.

    I don't trust him or his family any farther than I can throw them! I feel like I'm in a battle that I didn't start. He and his family are so mean- spirited! And, we moved here so we could help them! And this is what I get for the trouble!

    I specifically asked to block my STBX's phone number on my youngest's phone but there was something wrong with the system at the time and they couldn't get it to work. They were supposed to call me to arrange it, and they haven't, so I guess I will have to see to that.

    I won't get nearly the amount you will get. And, I've got two hungry teenage boys. Most of the money I may get will go into their stomachs! lol I don't see my husband paying anything willingly. They will have to take it out of his check, or I won't see it.

    Thank you so much for your advice. It's great to be able to vent to someone in the trenches. Hopefully, the law will be on our side. I am looking into a part- time job. It will mean extra income that will help pay the attorney's fees. I just hope that it doesn't make my illnesses flare as it will be an added stress. Maybe it will get my mind off of things. If I get the job, it won't start until the beginning of the new year. I guess we will see how things progress.
    Take Care, and Merry Christmas if I don't hear back from you before that,

     
    Old 12-16-2010, 08:28 AM   #25
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    Re: How do holidays work with a separation?

    sunsetnan,

    Notify your attorney as to the change that your husband has made on the Healthcare Spending Account. Here is Massachusetts, nothing can be changed once court action has been instituted, so what he has done is illegal.
    In terms of child support, you may be surprised as to what you are entitled to collect. Your attorney should be able to calculate the guidelines for child support in California. Your attorney will need a financial statment from your husband along with a financial statement from you. The information contained in the financial statement is what his stated income is and what he pays for expenses and your stated income and what you pay in expenses. The calculation takes both incomes and expenses and uses a calculation as to how many children are to be supported and comes up with an amount. I have the money taken directly from my STBX paycheck and the money is direct deposited into a new bank account I set up for my daughter. The paper work and enforcement is handled by the State Department of Revenue. I am sure that California must have a similiar program. In terms of your mother-in-law, her calling and talking to you or the boys is a violation of the restraining order and you should make your attorney aware. If your mother-in-law does call again, nicely but firmly instruct her that she is not to contact you or the boys again or you will be force to notify the police who will have the authority to arrest her son for a violation of a protective order.
    In terms of your cellphone carrier, call them today and tell them if they can not manage to block your STBX number from you sons phone, than you will have no choice but to cancel the service and obtain service from another provider who is able to service your needs as a customer. I bet their system will some how work and they will be sucessful in placing the block on the phone.
    Stress is such a contibuting factor to illness. I returned to my cardiologist on Tuesday and he was happy that my blood pressure is down, however, my reading on my heart monitor are still high. My stress echo shows that my heart is pumping fine, I do have some heart muscle thickness and he tells me that is due to the high blood pressure, so I will have to remain on blood pressure pills until my pressure is under control. He also very tactfully told me that I needed to loose some weight. He so very nicely told me that menopause was not my friend and that is one of the reasons that I have put on weight (never had weight problem), however, I also need to begin a serious excercise program. He thinks that if I loose just 10-15 pounds, that my blood pressure issue will resolve itself, he also said that once the probate situation was settled, that too would help my physical health. So I have six months to slim down and channel my stress and get off these awful pills.
    So Christmas is next week and I still have to figure out how to purchase a digital camera. I am thinking that I may promise to take her to pick out the camera on January 10, first paycheck after Christmas, this way I can pay the rent with next weeks check or I may just buy the darn thing with the small amount of extra money I have from the last paycheck, I did see a camera on sale at Walmart for under a $100.00 that included the card and a carrying case.
    Enjoy Christmas with the boys.
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    Last edited by shisslak; 12-16-2010 at 08:30 AM.

     
    Old 12-17-2010, 05:44 PM   #26
    Sunsetnan
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    Re: How do holidays work with a separation?

    Well, I was hoping to have a nice quiet evening with the family, when my eldest son came home from school to tell me that his dad (the one with a restraining order against him) was at our community mailbox taking mail from it and encountered him. It is in obvious violation as it is less than 100 yards from the house and of course me and my children. He only said, "hi," to my son (eldest) and continued to take mail out. He also knew that my son would see him because he knew exactly what time he gets off the bus from school and walks home. He also had a friend in a vehicle parked across the street. Don't know why yet but this guy just got a divorce last year, so he may have instigated this, knowing how it would play out. I called the police and of course he said that he could put it up to the district atty but it would be thrown out. I have no doubt that now he knows he can get away with it, he will do it again or something worse. The only comfort I get out of this is that it will only show how defiant he is and his pattern of noncompliance to authority.

    We haven't been able to get into our email account, so I suspect that he is behind it, too, but don't know for sure. You tend to end up being paranoid because of his constant attempts to harass.

    Got results back from lab and it looks as if I have had Valley Fever at some point. My ACE levels were higher, so that is a concern as well. Will get tested again in three weeks. Been having heart palpitations. I know this stress does not help anything.

    My best to you and your family,

     
    Old 12-18-2010, 11:57 AM   #27
    shisslak
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    Re: How do holidays work with a separation?

    sunsetnan,

    I think the police will not do anything because they did not witness the encounter. You may want to instruct you son to stand in front of his father and call the police so that they will repond and witness his presence--make sure that your son has the order in his hand to hand to the police officer. You also need to document every occassion where things have been changed since the divorce action was filed. Has you lawyer been at all helpful in these situations or is he just waiting to get into court to bring the issues to the courts attention.
    Does the district attorney's office has victim witness advocates. I could also suggest that you go to the district attorney's office an speak to one of the assistant da and let them know the situation and find out what is available to you to inforce the restraining order. You may not be getting the correct information from your local police. Here in Massachusetts, you can go to your local district court and request a complaint be filed and have a magistrates hearing. The magistrate listens to the evidence and decides if there is enough evidence to warrent a criminal complaint.
    I am sorry to hear that you are now experiencing physical symptoms from this whole process. I have decided that I am just going to deal with the present days event and not think of the day befores or what may transpire the following day. I joint the local gym and am going to take the suggestion of my cardiologist and begin to excercise. I can not let this divorce get the best of me, and neither can you--you have two boys that rely on you so if your STBX is going to play dirty, then you need to step up to the plate and play dirty legally. Find out all of your available rights and start using the judicial system, if he keeps violating the order, than you call your attorney and tell him that you want something from the court immediately and you do not want to wait till the next hearing date. Tell him to request an emergency hearing. Your STBX thinks he has the best of you because he thinks that you are just going to sit back and let him get away with annoying you, well show him the real you and take action. Maybe spending a day in jail will make him think about following a court order. I can tell you that no judge likes it when someone ignores their order--in their minds, the violator is waving the order in the judges face as if to say--Ha, I do not have to follow your order. I work with judges, and you really do not want to annoy a judge.
    Try to do something for yourself to help you relax, I have begun to read books a few hours every night and this help calm me down. I can suggest books written by James Patterson and Michael Connolly. Great books that keep you engrossed and they do not let you know who done it until the end.
    I hope the rest of the weekend ends better than it began.
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    Last edited by shisslak; 12-18-2010 at 11:58 AM.

     
    Old 12-31-2010, 06:27 PM   #28
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    Re: How do holidays work with a separation?

    Hi Brenda,
    Thought I'd give you an update. My sister accompanied me to the restraining order hearing, but it was continued. My attorney said that my STBX's attorney couldn't make the hearing and another attorney came in his place to ask for a continuance. The restraining order still stands, so I am happy.

    But, I found out that it was continued also because he has another court case pending and they didn't want him to accidentally incriminate himself in the restraining order hearing and have it used against him at the other court case.

    I found out that the district attorney is pursuing a charge for an incident that happened at our house in May of last year. I wasn't there so all I know about it is from the crime report. My mother had broke her hip and was having surgery so I was out of town. I wouldn't have known about it except that I happened to return and the police came to investigate.

    So, my next court date is towards the end of January for the order to show cause, child custody, and child/spouse support. However, if my STBX is found guilty and given jail time, he may lose his job and there goes the child support. But, I won't have to worry about the restraining order, huh? Since this is probably his first offense, I don't see them doing that, but the father of one of the girls involved said he wanted my STBX to be punished to the full extent of the law.

    The judge asked that I hand in the firearms (I had them locked away) to the police station, so my sister helped me bring 6 hunting shotguns to them. While I was waiting, I found a pamphlet on domestic violence. I couldn't believe all the characteristics of an abuser that my STBX had.

    He was jealous of my relationships with family and friends, was dependent on me for everything, and was overly paranoid in taking everything as an attack on him. And he did almost all the things an emotional abuser does like calling me and the kids names, putting us down, blaming me for everything, trying to isolate me from family, playing mind games, yelling, criticizing, controlling me by withholding money, destroying property, withholding affection, discouraging me from going back to work, etc. Well, you get the picture.

    And, I couldn't believe that I had a lot of the victim's excuses for staying in the relationship like regarding the emotional abuse as normal, trying to keep the family together, believing his promises to change, and strong religious beliefs against divorce. Wow!

    It was like I never really saw what was going on. A friend who is in a similar situation and I were talking and we discussed how it was like the lobster that is put in the pot on the stove and it just feels like a nice hot bath... and it gets a little warmer, and you adjust to the temperature, and it gets warmer and you adjust some more... until you find you better hop out of the water or you'll get cooked.

    Well, I got so used to the water/ abuse, that I didn't even recognize what was happening. And of course on top of all that, he cheated on me... multiple times. What was I thinking staying with this man? I guess I just needed that last bit of heat to make me jump out of the water!

    Things have been quiet around here after the holidays, and I'm just fine with that. We had a nice extended visit with my mother and sister and her family. When I got back, I had the mailbox lock changed... again.

    I applied for a part time job to help ease some of the financial burden. Don't know if I can handle it but it's only 3 hours a day/ 5 days a week and the pay will probably be low enough so that I can still get my Social Security Disability. I sent a letter to the renters to pay up or quit. And, the mortgage company sent a letter to say that we were in default of our loan, and if we don't pay up, they will start foreclosure. (I expected this.) I talked to the home retention department of the bank this morning and she gave me some suggestions. She suggest that I get a boarder to live in the extra bedroom in my home. The person would have to be someone who I could really trust. I've had strangers living in my house before, and I didn't like it.

    I looked at some houses for rent in the other city and the prices are pretty steep, so really need the child support if I want anything decent. My sister said she would come sometime next week to help me box up some of my STBX's personal belongings.

    Hope things are going well for you and your daughter. How did she like the camera you got her for Christmas? You were right. My youngest is doing much better now that he is away from the manipulation of his father. What did the doctor say about your cardiac monitor readings? Hope the holidays weren't too stressful for you. You were talking about reading as a stress reliever and my sister got me a book on CD for Christmas. It's the first one of Stieg Larsson's trilogy. Plan to listen to some tonight.
    Have a Happy New Year!
    Best Regards,

    Last edited by Sunsetnan; 12-31-2010 at 07:44 PM.

     
    Old 01-03-2011, 07:38 AM   #29
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    Re: How do holidays work with a separation?

    Happy New Year Sunsetnan,

    I was just thinking about you--My daughter and I had a great Christmas. We went to my brothers house for Christmas Eve and than to one sister's house for Brunch and to another sister's house for Dinner. All that food is not helping with the Cardiologist weight loss order.
    I gave my daughter her I Pod Touch on Christmas Eve--oh my god, she downloaded all these Apps that one of her friends told her about. One of those Apps is a talk and text app--if she has access to wifi (which she does in our apartment) than she can text to anyone she wants, she is also able to use the camera feature to contact another online Touch users (her best friend--the expert on anything App) and they can talk and see each other. Try listening to two girls screaming and giggling for an hour. She also loved her digital camera, it is pink. She received from my sister a "stuggie" that she can wear while watch TV or doing her homework in our very cool apartment. I keep the heat low so that I do not have to buy oil as often. Unfortuately her vacation did not end as she had hoped--her father took her shopping yesterday, he bought her one pair of jeans and than made her use her money to buy a couple of shirts and a hoodie jacket. This is a guy who spent $1000.00 dollars on a diamond ring (he left the box out and I found it when I went to feed the cat) for someone and he could not spend $40.00 more dollars on his daughter. To make matter worse, his "girlfriend" called while they were shopping and my daugher flipped out on him. Poor kid, I now will have to replace her money.
    In terms of forclosure--relax, the house my STBX is still living in, we have not paid a mortage payment since July 1st and forclosure proceeding have not even begun, so it takes some time before the banks get around to formal procedures. It turns out that because these mortages are bought and sold so many times, the true owner of the note can not be determined, so the bank can attempt to call in the mortage note, however, they have to prove ownership first and sometimes proving ownership can be a challenge. We actually had two cases here that the homeowners are living in their home mortgage free because the mortgage company can not prove ownership.
    Definition of domestic violence--while I actually knew the defininition of emotional and physical violence (suffered both), I like so many women stayed in the relationship. I think that was the hardest pill to swallow--why did I stay so long and put up with all of his abuse.? PRIDE--DID NOT WANT TO BE A FAILURE--RELIGION (catholic), the only one of ten children who's marriage failed. FEAR-how would I be able to support my daughter. The fact is that I really did Love this Man. Now how could you Love a person who broke special possessions of yours, called you the most foul and disgusting names, hit me, threw me up against walls. Because I felt sorry for him, he came from an abusive home, his father beat his mother and sexually abused his sisters. His whole family has issues now, and like an idiot, I thought that if I loved and stood by this man through thick and thin I could change him and make him happy. Pretty dumb of me don't you think--but I guess no one can understand why abuse victims stay with their abusers. I always wondered why, but as the old saying goes--"do not judge until you have walked a mile in their shoes".
    My attorney send my STBX the settlement agreement papers a few weeks ago and he still has not signed them. Well as luck would have it, the Court rescheduled my conference date from next Monday (1/10) until Monday (1/24). Three more weeks of waiting until this whole nightmare is over.
    My cardiologist called me last week. He had drawn cholestrol levels on me a couple of weeks ago. Thought I was in the clear when I had not heard from him, well, I guess my cholestrol is elevated and he wanted me to start taking a medication. Hate cholestrol lowering drugs. I asked if I could try diet and excerise for six months until I see him again. He said diet and excercise for three months and then I must have my levels drawn again. He said that with my high blood pressure and fast heart rhythm, that my risk for heart attack and stroke is pretty high. Like I do not have enough to worry about with out the added pressure of having a heart attack or stroke. (I did not tell him that I have already had a stroke when I gave birth to my daughter)
    How was the Stieg Larsson's book? I am just finishing a Michael Connolly book. I will look up Stieg Larsson in the library and start taking out his books. Another great author is David Paterson. If you like mystery and crime solving, David Paterson and Michael Connolly write some decent books.
    I hope you week goes well
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    Old 01-04-2011, 12:47 AM   #30
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    Re: How do holidays work with a separation?

    My sister warned me that the book might be hard to get into at the beginning- when the characters and plot are set up, but so far it is interesting. I downloaded it to my computer, but it didn't recognize the CD's correctly so when you play it and get to the end of track 1, disk 1, it goes to track 1 of disk 2 instead of going to track 2 of disk 1. Crazy! I guess I'll have to figure it out later.

    We all know that if a parent is an abuser, there is a great probability that the children of that abuser will have learned that behavior and will treat/ discipline their children based on that. But, of course, if people refused to marry people based on their parents, mankind would cease to exist as we know it. lol.

    So, my STBX's sister-in-law warned me that my soon to be mother-in-law wasn't very nice. And of course she was on her best behavior the times I had met her, so I really didn't realize the extent of her poor behavior and genetic mental illnesses would have on my STBX, who was also on his best behavior.

    So, if I were to give advice to my children on picking a mate, it would be to get to know the person and the family until they show their true selves before you say "I do." But, how do you know? You can't always do that. I guess I'm just going to have trust issues for a long time with anyone, whether they are girlfriends of my boys or a future potential spouse. I saw a lot of signs, but I ended up ignoring them or I was just naive.

    But, in the end, second guessing ourselves, doesn't change things for us. It may help our children, or it will just cause trust issues with them.

    My youngest son's behavior is getting much better. He even mowed the back lawn for me today. My eldest mowed the front lawn. I didn't have to beg and prod. We all sat together watching a movie without any fighting or chaos. It seems as if we are all getting closer and life is better.

    Found out that I am one of three candidates for a part-time secretarial job. I haven't interviewed for a job in over ten years or so. Need some supplemental income since I'm not getting any of my STBX's paycheck, and if he's involved in another law suit, then he'll need all the money he can get to pay his lawyer. And if he ends up in jail, or loses his job, I can kiss any money goodbye.

    Do you know if I will be liable for payment of his attorney for this law suit? I was also considering getting a boarder to rent out my spare bedroom. What is your opinion on that?
    Best Regards,

     
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