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Just looking for support

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Old 10-31-2011, 12:29 PM   #1
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: KY
Posts: 2
deepestgold HB User
Just looking for support

I'm 33, wife is 30. 7 yr old daughter, 9 year marriage.

I just feel so alone. I'm by no means a social creature. I go to work, I go to school, I come home. Don't go to clubs, don't go to ball games or poker nights or concerts or anything really. When I'm not in class or at work, I am at home with my family. I'm content with this. But, despite the fact I had no intentions of this happening, I've apparently lost most of my contact with friends and I just don't have anyone else. My wife and daughter are, quite realistically, ALL I have. I've been perfectly content with this.

Marriage has had numerous problems. Caught her cheating in '05. She moved out (on christmas day, no less) in '06. Marriage counseling in '08, which didn't work because she was cheating WHILE we were in counseling. She moved out again in '09, while simultaneously "cheating" (we were separating. I still consider it cheating, but maybe some folks dont).

Wife is not a social creature either. She has historically had very few friends, and has had plenty that were close at one time eventually abandon her altogether. Three of her four bridesmaids in our wedding, including the maid of honor, are no longer in her life at all.

Anyhow, as you can see, lots of infidelity on her part. Which over time created a horrible monster of a jealous husband in me. But we worked through it each time. Obviously we never addressed the root problem, but throughout all 9 years I remained in love with her and each time an "episode" occurred, we worked through it.

This past August, just days before our daughter's 7th birthday, another infidelity episode. I'd agreed to let her pose nude for some artful photographs (she is a photraphy artist herself). The photographer was a fried of hers, not close friend but someone she met in her photography circles, and she came to me first and asked if I was ok with it. At that time, things were very good between us. Trust had been mostly rebuilt, we were happy, she was caring and affectionate... I agreed to it. Weeks later, the episode happened. I spent many years reading her txt messages and ******** chats, etc, but had since given it up. However, this one night I must've had an intuition or something. All I intended to do was get the phone out of her sleeping hands and set it on the table next to the bed since she was snoring away already. But something inside just prompted me to look. They didn't sleep together, but their phone conversation consisted of her telling him how she wished more had happened between them, how she wanted him to touch her all over.

I of course blow up again. Another episode cycle occurs, she apologizes, I'm weak and decide to not leave her, and she begins treating me like a king. Profesing her love for me every chance she gets. She even enrolls us into marriage counseling again, saying she wants to actually fix the root problem and heal our marriage and stop being unfaithful.

During this recovery phase, our lives are for the most part normal. I'm not holding it over her head, we're not fighting, its almost like nothing happened. Except for one thing: I cannot bring myself to tell her I love her. I reason that its my ONE way to show her that things are not all ok again. See, I did still love her the whole time, and my actions showed it, but those 3 words I just wasn't speaking. Eventually I felt bad about it. I had a moment where I thought, "If I die tomorrow, she'll forever think I didn't love her anymore". The whole time I was withholding those 3 words, I could tell it was deeply affecting her. Well, I started saying them again. I thought this would make her feel much better.

No, what happened instead was she'd emotionally detached herself from me. This also occurred during the same time period that her classes at college resumed, and suddenly she has lots of new friends who she connects very strongly with. So out with me, in with the friends.

Keep in mind, this is occurring about one month after I discovered that phone conversation. Trust issues are running wild at this point, and I'm looking for the slightest hint that something bad is happening with one of her new friends. She spends 24/7 texting him, they are never not in communication. She even woke me up in the middle of the night one night to say that he was drunk and needed a ride home, so she was going to go be his DD. Like not even our sleep time together is sacred. Nothing is sacred anymore. So there's MAJOR friction. Even despite me telling her I love her, she's growing further apart from me at an alarming rate.

In a matter of 3 months, things went from being fine, to marriage counseling and she loves me dearly and can't live without me, to I'm not IN love with you anymore but don't worry I'll find my way back, to her flat out saying she wants out of this marriage and can't wait for it to be over. She has given up.

All I ever did was love her. I never cheated, never abused. I definitely kept her on a short leash though, read her journals and chats and txt messages. She did not have much privacy at all. I'm not very proud of that, but I also feel at least somewhat justified given how many times she was unfaithful in the past.

Now every single conversation is an argument. She doesn't want to talk about our marriage issues, and I can't talk about anything else because it's the ONLY thing on my mind. She says she's emotionally exhausted. She wants me to pull the plug.

I'm lost, sad and lonely, and I have no one to talk to about it. I dont know what to do, I'm trying to keep our daughter at the forefront of any decision I make. Its not fair, my daughter shouldn't be punished for her parents' failure.

The following user gives a hug of support to deepestgold:
belle005059 (11-11-2011)
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Old 11-11-2011, 02:00 AM   #2
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: New Zealand.
Posts: 37
belle005059 HB Userbelle005059 HB User
Smile Re: Just looking for support

Hi Deepest Gold..

I am a 59yr old divorced woman, who did nothing except loved my husband of spite of him having led his own life for many years.. Hunting..

I had been faithful all our married life..bringing up 2 children,;
but the down side was He Cheated after I went to hospital for 3 big Spinal operations.. I'm now in a wheelchair..

We went thru Relationship Counselling, a necessiity before going to the courts but he pulled out after 3 times..

Little did I know he was actually already cheating.. The following months and years were nothing but Horrendous .. like a nightmare..

I was glad in the end when we filed for divorce.

So please accept my sympathies ..

from someone who's been there, done that also..
I'm now with a new guy who treats me like a Queen..

It can happen.. just believe it..

and most important of all ..forgive yourself...

Kind Regards.. belle005059..

Old 11-17-2011, 01:34 PM   #3
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: KY
Posts: 2
deepestgold HB User
Re: Just looking for support

An update on what's happened since my original post. I tried getting the wife to go back to marriage counseling. Every single day I felt her losing more and more interest in me, and I figured counseling was our one last hope. Ironic how she was the one who really wanted the counseling in the first place, and there I was practically twisting her arm to go back.

Anyhow, I did everything in the world I knew of to keep her. When I asked if I could hug her, she said she wouldn't be comfortable with that. So I drew one for her, on a piece of paper with two stick figures. I gave it to her, and though she did offer a real hug, my drawing was discarded.

Ultimately, when she refused to go back to counseling, I knew there was nothing left. I gave her another hug and told her I love her and begged her to please don't give up on me. She already had.

It became crystal clear one night on the phone, in the midst of an argument regarding her wanting to go out to a party. I gave her my blessing, but asked her to at least tell me when she'd be back home. That was the final catalyst. The things that were said after that point were proof positive our marriage was over.

She's now moved out and has her own apartment. She immediately ran into some financial trouble, and I helped her out (just as I'd done the previous TWO times she moved out). She also ran into a rut with one of her newfound friends.

But....then she comes to me and tells me it was all a mistake. She regrets it. She wants to come back home. She even actually told me she doesn't remember our "final" conversation, wherein we agreed it is officially over. I have nightmares about what was said, even still, and she doesn't even remember it?

But I still love her. I don't know if I'm making good decisions now. I had slowly begun to accept that we are better off apart, but her wanting to come back without me twisting her arm has thrown me off. I'm weak, I want my family back together. But I fear its just going to fail for the same reasons it's failed numerous times before. I know what I want my marriage to be like, but I have lots of doubts that she's able to provide that for me. She's had so many chances to be the wife I, at one time, thought I had. I'm not so sure she even knows how to be that person. Maybe its possible she's just not capable of it, and I shouldn't hold her to that standard?

I don't know what to do. Some days I hear the voice on my right shoulder telling me "save your family, you can't turn her down when she WANTS to come back home. What if she's right, what if she really DOES still love you?". And then there are other days when I hear the voice on my left shoulder telling me "You've been fooled by her like a hundred times now, when are you going to learn? SHE gave up on YOU, not the other way around. You did everythng in your power and more to save that marriage, your conscience is clean, and you know you're better off apart. Its time to move on"

The following user gives a hug of support to deepestgold:
belle005059 (11-18-2011)
Old 11-18-2011, 01:25 AM   #4
Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: New Zealand.
Posts: 37
belle005059 HB Userbelle005059 HB User
Smile Re: Just looking for support

hello DeepestGold

I'm glad you found the time to reply to all of us on here..

Only YOU will know in your heart if the chances you have given your wife
have been enuff ..

You are thinking about your little daughter..
well she will always be there for you and you will be there for her ..

Little girls always need their matter what! ..

But to me you have given your wife EVERY CHANCE and MORE ...

And it appears she has turned to other men, she moved out .. then came back..
You helped her out again and again...

Don't you think you deserve more in your life ?

something worthwhile and everlasting ?...

.. Be HONEST with yourself.. Does your wife do that for you? ..

If not ,... then walk away and don't budge..

You'll take a long time to heal your broken heart ..

but you'll be TRUE to YOURSELF ...

There'll be another lady out there somewhere when your'e ready, but until that time comes .. keep your self busy .. do things maybe you wouldn't normally do.. that make you HAPPY...

Keep in contact with your little girl as much as you can...
But be STRONG !! .. Don't give in to your wife... !! ...

Do things differently than you did before.. and see where it takes you.??.

You might be lonely for a while.. Like I was , but believe it will turnaround..
and one day . you'll find yourself back in a Peaceful Place..

Satisfied.. and with a genuine feeling of Happiness ..

I hope you find it... DeepestGold.. Best wishes .. Belle xx

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