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"Am I selfish or unreasonable"

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Old 01-06-2012, 12:19 PM   #1
Join Date: Jan 2012
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"Am I selfish or unreasonable"

I have been married to my wife for twenty six years.We have two twin girls,They were born prematurely.We went through a lot together one of the twins was born with multiple congenital anomalies,She had a cleft lip and palate,Clubbed feet,and CP.I was the only one working my wife spent the first six years as a stay at home mom.When the twins started school my wife went to work.when I was 30 I fractured two vertebra in a work related accident.I discovered during the test that I had a disease called ankylosising spondilosis
a severe and chronic spinal disease.I was totally disabled. this was eight years into our marriage.I returned to school and got a degree in IT and went back to work .eighteen months later I was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer.I also started having seizures I was again forced to go on disability.three years later I had a heart attack Main Ascending.I am not one to give up and keep a positive outlook.I noticed my wife becoming withdrawn from me.She stopped having any intimate contact.We lived together for ten years in celibacy.We separated a year ago.This past month I moved back in.She could not afford Christmas for the kids,The car,fridge,washer all broken I fixed everything.
I am afraid we still do not have an Intimate relation.She say's she loves me ,but I need more I don't think she realizes how important intimacy is to a man.My confidence is gone,I feel inadequate,depressed and being disabled doesn't help.She will not seek help for her lack of desire.This causes me to feel jealous.and threatened by other men she comes in contact with.I keep all this inside ( I hate a controlling man and refuse to be one).I love her with all my soul,but I don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life.I ask her what her doctor said about her lack of desire her reply"my doctor said all women over 40 lose their sexual desire"." I am normal you are the abnormal one .she is 49 and I am 54 .I feel like she needs me ,but am in doubt if she really wants or truly loves me.(Am I selfish or unreasonable to expect her to fulfill my human desires?)

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Old 01-14-2012, 10:15 AM   #2
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Re: "Am I selfish or unreasonable"

Sounds like your wife has more than a "plate full" to handle at this time. Give her some slack, it is hard to shoulder so much responsibility, work full time, and have energy for intimacy.

On the other hand, you have health problems, unable to work, have loads of time to only think about intimacy. With your health problems, how would you have the energy for intimacy? Is it all in your head and you are not physically up to that much physical activity? If you are up to that much activity, you are physically able to work at something. There are many jobs that can be done on computer working from home. That would help with the finances and take some pressure off of your wife.

Have mercy on your wife, she is dealing with a tremendous responsibility.

Old 01-14-2012, 07:52 PM   #3
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Re: "Am I selfish or unreasonable"

Ask her on a date. Yes, she has a lot of things to worry about, and so do you. But I think to keep your relationship going ( I assume you're not divorced and are trying to work it out? ), you both should put some work into getting intimate again. Where did you first meet or have your first date? Go there if you can, or emulate it the best you can, and just have a few hours alone. Talk with her and be honest about how you feel, including the jealousy, how you feel as a man, everything. Let her know that you still desire her. Even if she doesn't feel like she wants sex right now, that may change later on if you start "dating" again. If you can and you both want to, just start out all over again with kissing, cuddling, holding hands, and later on you could get to fool around. ( If it gets that far again, I would definitely make it fun like when you were young, doing things you're "not supposed to do" in places you might get caught, things like that ).

I think that she has just accepted that things are tough, and so sex got put on a back burner. Find out if she still wants you and is attracted to you, and be romantic or goofy or whatever you did to attract her in the first place. Give her compliments, cards, flowers if she likes them, thank her for everything she does and most importantly - tell her that you love her, every day. Let her know that you're still attracted to her. I don't think she's dried up down there, she just needs a little sweetness and romance to get her going. Give her a kiss every day if you can, and maybe that will lead to a squeeze or more later on. If you're adventurous enough, you could send her some cheeky texts, just make 100% sure you have the right number before you send it!

This is going to be a long process, don't forget that. Don't ever force anything on her, and don't get angry or upset if she says no. That shows her respect, and she will respect you for it. I wish you all the best, and hope that your family all gets through the tough times.

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