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Newly Separated Again...lonely, fearful

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Old 02-17-2012, 07:10 AM   #1
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Question Newly Separated Again...lonely, fearful

I have made ALL of the mistakes about getting my husband back...the hurt, angry, begging, accusing messages on his cell phone. The begging, pleading, accusations of betrayal, the, "Divorce me NOW", "I need your help", "I miss you, come home", " PLEASE, call me!"
I contemplated our years together and how I made mistakes ( no infidelity on my part, however, I was trying to show that I am willing to accommodate him), I will change, what about your responsibilities to our home and animals (we have no children)...
Promising not to contact him and give him space and then I do....

I feel insane. I am so heartbroken. On New Years morning he told me He did not love me anymore and wanted a divorce. He left, he came back and was cold and avoiding any time with me. He wanted dinner at 6 pm. He would withdraw when I tried to hug him.

He was a house husband for all of his years with me until I was forced to retire last year due to the removal of 1/2 my cancerous large intestine. He just got a new job and a promotion. I called him at work and his boss told me that he did not work on Mondays and that he was told by my husband that we were already divorced. He says he has taken care of me all of these years and now it is his time to start over. He lives on his brother's floor with dogs that urinate on his clothes and shoes. He has no money- bought an expensive car and can't afford a place of his own.

How can I stop making all of these stupid mistakes? I am a successful artist with a giant new project. I am a new Grandma. I have so much but feel so shattered I can hardly ever stop crying.

I keep a schedule, groom every morning, keep my house beautiful and TRY to eat- which has always been a problem but is worse now. I eat for my daughter, grandbaby and clients who depend on me.

So I want him bacK/ Do I want to walk on eggshells again and face his constant anger with me ( over EVERYTHING, ANYTHING)...he started getting in my face and pushed me once. I called the police to have him escorted out last week. He said it was actually a good thing because he says he was out of control. He does not drink or take drugs. He got a job which put him in a position of great authority over others. Before he was a house husband he was a custodian.
Has he lost his mind?

I have had a lot of counseling in the past- plan to go back. I do not want meds. I was on meds for years due to panic/anxiety/depression related to my dread diseases.

When will this pain go away?
I am lost with him and without him.

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Phoenix (02-17-2012)
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Old 02-17-2012, 03:07 PM   #2
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Re: Newly Separated Again...lonely, fearful

Originally Posted by Jeniffer Thomas View Post
When will this pain go away?
I am lost with him and without him.
Hello Jeniffer Thomas,

The pain will lessen when you have carefully thought out what you want out of life.

You have to ask yourself what you desire to be truly happy and then generate a plan of action that you are prepared to stick by.

It may be difficult at first but with time,patience and perseverance,you'd be surprised at what you can accomplish.

When in doubt, post it out.

Last edited by Phoenix; 02-17-2012 at 03:14 PM. Reason: sp.

Old 02-19-2012, 10:53 AM   #3
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Unhappy Re: Newly Separated Again...lonely, fearful

Thanks for the out reach.
I am finding my body and head in soo much pain lately.
I feel like I am made out of lead.
No drinking or drugging, just the blues.
Talked to my potential future ex yesterday- I called- he answered. He is going to be here ( he says) when I have some workmen doing some new door installation.
He said he still loves me- needs space and time. Says he thinks about me all the time . We agreed we cannot go through getting together and breaking up over and over.
I hope he will be open to counseling.

The unknowns I have gnawing at me are the : Is he dating?
I am not. I am still a married woman.

If he is, how will I deal with it and be okay?

I don't want to be so forgiving it opens up a dirty door for him...if he is experimenting...
If he has been sexually active- I want STD testing before we resume physical intimacy on that level....

Best part of yesterday...I ate 3 meals, got my credit report and score, started refinancing the mortgage on my home....just in case he is stringing me along because he doesn't want to feel guilty or man up to the fall out....

When and if he comes to be with me, I did talk to him about the hours of research I have put in about separation/ divorce and that we need to have an agreement with parameters for our separation, personal goals for growth, identifying what was our problems and how we can better handle them in the future...much my journal but I don't want to dump everything on him at once.

Firstly, we need to write down why we fell in love with each other to start with.... I have already done this and it felt good...letting go of anger to remember life before I had cervical, breast and colon cancer...when we were in our 30's and having so much fun together..... oh no, here comes the tears again.....

Part of my ordeal is that I am afraid that I will die soon. My last surgery was a year ago on Feb 22. I am just beginning to get some normalcy back but suffer fatigue and lack of desire to eat, and occassionally, the desire to drink way too much wine by myself. I have stopped the wine---it just makes me hate myself and it takes days for me to get over the hangover. It does NOTHING for depression but anatagonize it.

I am afraid of dying unloved and alone. I am a very tender, caring person, and God has preserved a youthful appearance in me in spite of my physical perils. But I had planned on being with my man for the rest of my days. I never want another man and no other man in his right mind would want me.
So far, my experience of being alone has turned male neighbors and friends into filthy lecherous creeps. It disgusts me on many levels- especially that men can be such horn dogs that they would want to take advantage of a woman's broken heart for their own ego boost. Where are their morals?

Sometimes I think my man just got tired of having a very sick wife. My therapist told me it is quite common from her experience for men to want to start a new life with a younger partner after a wife has gotten bad news about the length of her life...

I am able to understand this,...but it makes me feel like a soiled tissue on the way to the wastebasket....
But I know in my head I have a life to live and no one can live it for me but me...
Oh no...headache time....

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