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Confused Newlywed

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Old 04-26-2012, 03:40 AM   #1
Uncertain wife
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Unhappy Confused Newlywed

I'm in my late twenties and have been married for 11 months. In total, I've been with my husband for about 8 years. While we were daiting, my husband was very hard-working, generous, ambitious and had a great job. He's about 9 years older than me and although he wasn't where he wanted to be career or school wise, he had great plans for himself and knew what he wanted. I have to admit that there was always something at the back of my mind that was telling me he wasn't 100% "The One" but he had so many great qualities and he was somewhat of a safe choice. My sexual attraction towards him has always fluctuated. There are certain aspects of his personality that have always turned me off. They're easier to deal with a certain times more than others. He uses humor to make up for his insecurities and it can come off as inappropriate and socially awkward, bordering on annoying especially in social situations. His family is very disfunctional, but they've always been very kind and accepting of me. I think these issues are what got in the way of me ever being completely sure of him. In the end, he proposed and I thought he loves and adores me so much, I'd overlook these issues and he would be a great husband.

A few months into the engagement, he lost his job. Since the last few months of being at this job were so stressful, he decided he would take some time to de-stress and figure out what his next step would be. This went on for weeks, then months. I would ask him if he was going to start looking for a job but he gave me excuse after excuse as to why he couldn't-still destressing, unsure of his next move, he still had lots of time to be receiving unemployment. I would always argue with him about this, but at this same time, I was working full time, going to school full time and planning the wedding. I know that part of me was ignoring this big issue of his lazy excuses but the other part of me barely had time to think of anything other than my busy schedule and obligations. A few months before the wedding, I was fed up and asked him to promise he'd find a job right after the wedding (at this point he was using all of his time to finish remodeling the house in preparation for the wedding). He agreed and we got married. One month after the wedding, he had still not looked for a job. After pushing him and spoon feeding him resume resources, it took him about two months and finally finished his resume. At times, he was aggressive with the job search and other times he was not. All he ever did was sit around and watch tv. He didnt help out much around the house and I'd be working all day. Instead of continuing his path towards a pr degree, he was all over the place talking about pursuing a degree in all kinds of random, unrelated fields. My feelings snowballed-disappointment, resentment, anger and sadness. Whats worse is that he didnt own up to how bad things were and how this was all of his fault. I had to hide these issues and feelings from my family and friends out of embarassment. We hadnt been married a year and were already having such severe issues. I was like this for months and was so tired of feeling this way that I became numb. He finally found a job then was laid off a month later. Another disappointment. This anger led me to think of all the other bad things about him, all the issues I've ever had about his personality, strange family, lack of sexual attraction). All of the good things about him no longer mattered and werent enough for me. This made things worse and I wanted out of the marriage. I eventually opened up to my siblings and parents who suggested marriage counseling. Around this time, he started to realize how bad things were and made a change for the better. He became completely focused on finding a job, helping around the house and picking himself off the couch. Plus he was offered two decent jobs. My problem now is that I feel as if it's too late. We haven't had sex in about 5 months and I have no desire to with him. I don't have much respect for him and although it's endearing to see how badly he wants to improve the marriage, I no longer want it. He's still all over the place with his career path and education. I was there once but in my early 20s. I understand that hes entitled to explore different options, but I hate the idea of being with a 36 year old who doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up. That's not what I wanted in a husband. This plus all of other issues and doubts I've ever had about him... I'm so confused and don't know what to do. Im going to continue marriage counseling with an open mind but I really dont see how it will help the marriage but Im hesitant to give up because it hasnt even been a year. Any advice or insight would be appreciated!

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Old 05-01-2012, 06:42 PM   #2
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Re: Confused Newlywed

I'm guessing he is fully aware of your concerns since he changed his behavior and you both are going to counseling? I would try and remember what is was that you fell in love with. Everyone has little quirks and idiosyncracies and depending on what they are, if they aren't unbareable, I would really try to take your focus of all of them.

Is it possible maybe your husband is experiencing some depression? I'm sure he is feeling guilty for his lack of motivation, and I imagine it's probably taking a toll on his ego, whether he even knows it or not. If his knows he's not being the man of the house that he should be, it may be overwhelming and depressing, which is probably sinking him further into feeling worthless, and even more depressed. You may want to ask him about this. Sometimes it is hard to love and to be encouraging, and you have to (for lack of a better word) "fake" it. Try to be encouraging. Even when you want to ring his neck. Start putting little notes around the house. "I love You", "I miss our kisses", etc. Even if your heart isn't in it, his response may be surprising. The more you try to make HIM happy, the more he will want to make YOU happy. It may motivate him to get going on things. It could be worse. You could have a man that doesn't love you, doesn't come home at night, is abusive, or cheating. I wouldn't throw the towel in just yet.

Old 08-10-2012, 03:18 AM   #3
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Re: Confused Newlywed

I'm stuck in a marriage I dont really want because of the system, which is crazy but the system is. Try to get out of your marriage while your fairly young. I'm in my fifties.It's hell living with someone you dont want to be with. I have developed a drink problem because basically I wish he'd leave but he wont. He wants a pay out! I'm tired of being a kind mother instead of a wife.He wont leave because he's no job (illiterate) and is on a good deal really. Mother who pays for everything. At 50 many people dont have the balls -ops are a bit less. leave asap dear. it sounds easy I know.

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