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Husband says spark is gone. Wants to split.

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Old 05-31-2012, 08:16 AM   #1
Join Date: Mar 2012
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sophiedaphne HB User
Husband says spark is gone. Wants to split.

Hi everyone.
I am 24 years old and my husband and I have been married for two years. We've been together for a total of four years. He is from Australia, and we admittedly got married earlier than we would have liked so that he could stay permanently. He did NOT marry me to gain US citizenship.

We have had, in my opinion, a relatively good relationship. I do realize that I am an over-emotional person at times and he is very stoic and non-emotional, which is where the issues sometimes lie. I also think that neither of us are particularly good communicators. He doesn't know how to express himself verbally, and I just cry and get confused and it never works out well. In any event, we have gone through some tough times, we both have jobs we hate, he misses his family and his home greatly, and I think he is depressed, in general.

About a two months ago, he admitted that he felt like our relationship had diminished. We barely had any physical contact, we didn't really talk about anything other than superficially, we didn't do anything together. We just came home, chatted, played on our computers, and went to sleep. He felt the spark was gone. I tried talking to him about it, told him that it was normal, sparks fade, new feelings arise. I felt a bit bored, but I felt comfortable having him around and I love him deeply and care about him more than anyone. We had a few days of no contact, and he decided that it was worth fighting for. We were honest with each other, our sex life was great, we were talking, doing things together. He seemed a little down, but overall, things were picking up.

We had a minor argument on Monday, during which I was upset because he was paying little attention to me. He blurted out that she still didn't feel the spark, and didn't think he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He cares about me more than anything and loves me more than anything, but doesn't know if that's enough.

I know I have made mistakes. I know I could have been more emotionally supportive. I know that I could have expressed my appreciation more. I should have told him how much he means to me. I took him for granted. I know that. He did so much for me. And I have learned that men express their feelings by DOING rather than by the way girls think it's right to express their feelings. He was truly a provider, and I think I emotionally wore him down. He wasn't always emotionally there for me, and that is difficult to deal with, but I think he did his best, and I feel like I was too needy. I expected him to always know what I was thinking. I expected him to be at my beck and call, and got upset when he didn't immediately respond to me. I was emotionally draining. He was, too. I wanted him to do more. I wanted him to do things with me. He wanted to sit at home and play on his computer all night. He didn't like "activities" but I just wish he would try new things with me. He used to like doing that stuff with me. I wish it wasn't too late.

We were going to move to Australia in December. We were working on getting my visa. I was going to go to school. We were going to be closer to friends and family. The stresses of life and work here were going to alleviated for the most part and he wouldn't be homesick anymore. I was thrilled and was doing it not just for him, but for me. I wanted to go back to school. I wanted to be near his extremely supportive and kind family. I wanted to live in that country. And now, even though we have gone through this process, he doesn't think it's a good idea. He doesn't want to "lead me on" or cause me to do something that will make me across the world. I am devastated. I feel like I have lost my world and my future.

He wants time and space to think. I am going to visit with my parents in Arizona for a week. I know that that's probably not enough time for him to make a decision, but maybe he'll see that I am willing to do what needs to be done. I am willing to fight to make this work, and he knows that. I just wish he felt that way, too. I am so emotional right now and I have been crying non-stop. I feel lost and dead and empty. His family feel that he will change his mind, but he refuses to talk to his mother or his sister, and I think he just needs another perspective. A lot of people go through this. Relationships lose their spark, but we still feel for each other.

How do I get through this?

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Old 07-16-2012, 12:09 PM   #2
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: illionois
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ashb1123 HB User
Re: Husband says spark is gone. Wants to split.

Hey Hun, I'm right there with you. I'm 24 me and my husband have been together for 6 years and been carried 3 of them... He told me 2 weeks ago he's done and isn't happy and will never be happy with us again... I am finally realizing its not my fault it is his.... Were not loosing something there loosing.something great... The only thing I can say is go out and hangout with friends and family.... If you want to talk keep communicating with me and we can get threw this tough times together.

Old 08-01-2012, 06:42 AM   #3
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Re: Husband says spark is gone. Wants to split.

I think the both of you should work on your marriage before ending it. In relationships there are stages and phases. Yes, the spark might be gone but other things arise like you said. But if he's truly that unhappy and you've tried your best then there's not much else you can do. You can't be in a marriage if the other person isn't happy and won't be happy with you no matter what changes. You're cheating yourself out of happiness.

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