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Not sure how or if i can leave. Married with children.

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Old 09-19-2012, 10:52 AM   #1
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Not sure how or if i can leave. Married with children.

Been with my wife 15 years married 10. I am 33 years of age and we have 3 children 6/9/12. Caught my wife in an online relationship with another married man. Wife told me she loves me but is not in love with me no more. For the last year i have been trying very hard to please her and make every attempt to help this marriage. Counseling, romantic getaways., just being there for her like i have been everyday since we been together. . But she keeps going behind my back with this man. Telling him she loves him , that she is not happy. Sending him inappropriate pictures of herself. Talking to him on the phone . Writing him letters in the mail. I just cannot win against this man. She choooses him over me everytime. I know i need to leave and stand up for myself but i feel very guilty about doing it. She is in the middle of nursing school. If she was a RN nurse already i woudnt feel as bad. But she does rely on me financially. I would of course give her childsupport but that only takes u so far. She and my children are use to a certain lifestyle. Also how do i tell my kids that dad is leaving them? I am so scared to will blame me. Because i am the one who is leaving. I feel very afraid to leave . My wife claims she wants to make this work. She wants another chance for the children. But now i do not trust her at all. I always think she is hiding something from me. The last time i caught her was on Sep 2nd. And she they were emailing while i was asleep. Telling each other how much they miss one another and love each other. I am so hurt that she chooses him over me. I love her so much and feel like i will never be the same without her . i can stay in this marrage and pretend like nothing is wrong or i can standup for myself. Will my kids hate me? As a father is it my responsiblty to stay in this marrage until they are older? I cannot even imagine beibg without my kids . They are my world.

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Old 10-25-2012, 02:37 AM   #2
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Re: Not sure how or if i can leave. Married with children.

Hey there again Tony,

I appreciate your words of advice to me from the other board. What I can say to you is this, I applaud you for giving *** you can to save your marriage and family. Not a lot of people try any more. Just know you tried you hardest but you cant change the way someone feels. I think a separation would be good for you two for a while, because it might make her realize what she has after its gone. Just always be there for your children do what you can and tell them you love them every day! Plus, if you can find any of those emails from your wife and that other guy save them, you can use those when she tries to get you for child support and custody. Stand up for yourself! It'll just make you that much more stronger in the end!

It's so much easier giving advice to someone else! Nice to have these boards to talk to other people who are going through it. I have felt so alone now for months! Hope I helped a little for u

Last edited by Synbub2012; 10-25-2012 at 02:40 AM.

Old 10-27-2012, 09:22 PM   #3
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ShortAmy HB User
Re: Not sure how or if i can leave. Married with children.

Why are YOU contemplating leaving? Your wife is the person who broke your trust & your marriage vows - SHE needs to leave.

I have been in very much the same situation (my husband is bipolar & had an affair while in an "episode").
We tried to make our marriage work after the affair. I am heartbroken, bitter, & angry.
I wish I would have felt anger right away instead of sick & shocked.

Test their "love" - throw her out & see if her lover comes to her rescue. If she were feeling any of the moral or responsible things you are thinking about, she would have never risked her security in your marriage. She is using you & still having her excitement & rush of "new" love with this other man. Once they have to deal with each other on a day to day basis - his glimmer may fade pretty quick. easy to be perfect & lovely when you don't have the stress of grown-up concerns (bills, & kids, & day to day problems).

I regret taking my cheating husband back every single day. If I had it to do over, I would have had more self-respect. I deserved a faithful spouse & you deserve the same!

Old 11-04-2012, 02:51 AM   #4
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Re: Not sure how or if i can leave. Married with children.

Your wife has already left you. She is not mentally or emotionally in the relationship.

You should stand up for yourself. What other choices do you have? Paying her way through nurse school so she can leave you when she can provide for herself?

You should ask her to leave. You should keep the children with you. After all she is the one having an affair (they've done everything lovers do except maybe having sex. Why wait around for that to happen?).

What I think you should do:

1) Make the decision not to be with her any more. You deserve better treatment. At least honestly. She is not giving you anything.

2) Have the children cared for by grandparents, so you are alone in the house. Tell her you want to talk. Sit her down, make some coffee and decide to be calm and adult about it.

3) Tell her that you are fed up with being her money machine while she is having an online affair with another man. She lies and cheats, and she can't possibly think that you will tolerate it. Tell her she has obviously made her choice and now needs to act the part. She needs to go.

4) Make arrangements about the children. Maybe you can take turns living in the house with the kids until she has found her own place and custody issues have been settled. Talk to her about what is best for the children.

You need to understand that you are not alone in this. Your children are caught up in it as well. They can feel the tension between you and your wife. Children see and hear a lot more than you would think.
You should also be careful that your eldest doesn't find out about his/her mother's affair by using the computer. At twelve (26 now) I was more handy with a computer than any of my parents, there's no reason to think this does not apply to your kid as well.

Your wife is using you as a bank, when in reality she has already left you. What you need to do is formalize it, so you don't have to hurt any more by being cheated on and lied to by your ex-wife.

Old 01-27-2013, 06:49 PM   #5
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jalynn07 HB User
Re: Not sure how or if i can leave. Married with children.

I am in the same boat as you are with your wife but mine is with my husband. We have only been married four years but together 7. Right before we got married I caught him chatting with other ladies are a dating/sexwebsite. He promised me it was a one time thing and he would never do it again. Well he did it a few more times. Nothing hurt like finding out that on the night after I had our youngest child he was at home chatting/sexting with a lady when he should have been taking care of our other child. This time I wanted to walk out. He did change or got better about covering his track since then. He is am avid video gamer and plays online with others. He met a girl back in November 12. He talks to her constantly either by texting or ********. It hurts because he cares for her more than he does me. I don't get it. Our kids will blame me if I leave so I don't know what to do.

I hope everything worked out for you.

Old 01-27-2013, 09:44 PM   #6
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Re: Not sure how or if i can leave. Married with children.

I encourage you to remember that only the children are your forever commitment. I would put her out, and keep the children with you. She will learn to regret her actions forever if she has any sort of a soul, and the children will always know you will always be there for them. This is her decision, she should be the one to suffer most. Not you or the children and financially you can retain all the comforts of home for you and your children. Child support should be her obligation, not yours. These days lots of dads have children and if you need a bit of help, you can hire someone or she can be responsible for them at your home if you trust her to be alone there.

Ask her to leave for a trial period to see where the children's needs are. Then adapt a new plan to make sure they are safe and comfortable. Let her go, she is the one who has left the family, not you, not the kids.

Best to you..

Old 02-25-2013, 10:27 AM   #7
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Re: Not sure how or if i can leave. Married with children.

Well, I am going to suggest a different approach.

I don't know the specific laws in your state with regards to child support and alimony, so get a consultation with a lawyer. You don't have to hire him specifically, but tell him you want to remain civil with your wife and you don't want to fight. You may can get a legal separation. My state doesn't have those, but some do.

Tell her you want a divorce/separation but you want to do it amicably.

In the papers, you state that you will help her finish her schooling and give her a time limit to get a job after the school is finished.

You will also help her to find a place OR you get a place and let her have your current one. The point is, don't keep living together while she is going to school. Go ahead and separate.

Being a good parent and being a good spouse are two distinctly different things. If she is not abusive towards the kids and is a good mother, then joint custody is a good idea. You both would share the responsibility of raising the kids and both have equal time with them.

Work out everything in advance of the divorce/separation and agree on it.

Be involved with your kids lives while being civil to her. This is key. Don't talk bad about her in front of them. Always be nice and polite, even when you don't feel like it. That will get easier over time.

I do understand what you are going through and have been in a similar situation before with my kids father. We did divorce.

You can be a big part of your kids lives whether you are divorced or not. You aren't divorcing your children. As the parent, it's your responsibility to maintain your relationship and involvement with your children and it's hers to maintain her relationship and involvement with the children.

When you tell your children that you are divorcing/separating, emphasize that you BOTH still love them and they have done nothing wrong. Mom and dad just don't get along and it's best for them to be apart. If they ask if you two still love one another, you say we care about each other and that is why we need to be apart. It's better that way.

I know I am a bit late to this, but I hope this helps. You could get a divorce based on the infidelity. I chose not to go down this road with my kids father because it was easier on the kids not to do it that way.

Old 06-02-2013, 11:31 PM   #8
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MsAnnMarie HB User
Re: Not sure how or if i can leave. Married with children.


I am in an identical situation as you with 2 distinct differences, my case is 2 exes and a "friend", and we are in the early stages of a private adoption. I'm the bread winner and my husband is in school for engineering. I have literally just told him last night I am done, but I won't take our son away from him and vice versa. We're going to remain living together during the adoption, but I've agreed to support him through to schools end and we'll all relocate to wherever his career leads him and I will finish my degree from there and we'll do 50/50 joint custody. It's a gamble on my life, but I can't see a better route for our Childs well being. We're going to take turns sleeping in the room and get our son a therapist as soon as possible. It's going to be tricky and already is awkward but it is bigger than us. I wish you all the best, and would like to hear how it's going for you. I hope well!
Ms. Ann

Old 06-16-2013, 07:41 PM   #9
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Re: Not sure how or if i can leave. Married with children.

O my gosh. To the OP.I am in a very similar situation and boy does it hurt. i got hurt at work on the job 4 years ago next month. Had surgery last year and will have to redo part of it very soon. While i was having surgery she was having an online affair with a family friend who was married with 4 kids!! i caught them online together then emails and texts. She admitted they met outside of our marriage 4 times. 2 Times closed mouth kisses. Do i believe thats all they did? heck no. We have went to couples therapy and a "weekend to remember" with fmaily life ministries. Even renewed our vows together there.. Still in trouble. Divorce is coming. She wants to separate for a trial. i told her to hit the road. She wants to take our two daughters with her.. Heck no,that aint happening.. So she says i have her trapped? I am in hell. I hope you are out of your situation by now.

Old 12-13-2013, 08:06 AM   #10
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Mike42 HB User
Re: Not sure how or if i can leave. Married with children.

I'm in the same boat Tony. My wife has been having an affair with a man for more than a year. It's her second time cheating on me. I busted her texts last week and it was the final straw. I said I was moving out and never looking back. She of course scrambled, as she normally does, to keep me in the house. She's done this several times before. She does it to the guy too. Every time he threatens to leave, she throws out whatever he wants to hear to get him to stay with her. She's playing us both. She gets the emotional and physical side from him, the financial security, and family lifestyle from me. She knows she can't keep her lifestyle up without me, so she strings us both along. Now he's dumped her and she's all about working it out with me. She wants counseling and a chance for me to forgive her. But it's too late. All he has to do is call her and she's right back with him. Her options are down to one so I have become the default choice. We have a young child, and it kills me to divorce. I can't bare not seeing him each day. But in the end, you can only take so much humiliation. She will continue to go back to this guy if you don't take matters into your own hands. I have said for years, I can be unhappy in my marriage forever as long as I get to see my child everyday. That's all the happiness I need. But I was wrong. As soon as reoccurring infidelity on her part happens, it's like a constant kick in the gut. I can't take it anymore, and neither should you. Divorce/Separation is going to be tough. Lord knows I am getting ready to pull the plug on us after the holidays, but it's the right thing to do. I don't love her anymore for what she's done to our family. I will never trust her. If it's not this guy, it'll be someone else down the road. Sometimes you just have to recognize that marriages do end, but you can still get your life back and be happy. Trust me, after more than a year of going through exactly what you're going through now, I'm finally strong enough to make the decision that is best for our family. I will hate missing my son and only seeing him 50% of the time I do now, but I refuse to raise him as a man who will condone such actions from his wife when he gets older. Best of luck to you Tony. I know it's tough man, but be strong, you're not alone.

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