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Violet386 09-24-2012 10:59 AM

Thinking of leaving my husband... feeling sick, not sure what to do
My husband and I have only been married for 2 years and I am beginning to feel like it's just not going to work out.

We have two small children under the age of four. I know that alot of our issues are the result of having a baby (8 months) and that babies put a huge strain on marriages. I know that a lot of people can work through that stuff...I don't know if I can.

I have become the typical frustrated mother/wife stereotype: I am exhausted because I do all of the housework (cooking, cleaning, laundry, groceries, etc) and I also do the bulk of the child care (bathing, clothing, feeding, dropping off/picking up at school, daycare, etc). I am usually up with the baby several times in the night, and then the next day have to muddle through my job (I work full time at a new job that I am still trying to learn, but I feel like a moron most days because I can barely follow what's happening around me), housework and child care on only a few hours of sleep.

I get so irritated with my husband for not helping out, or doing as much as I do. He gets mad back and then tells me that he's willing to help out, I just have to tell him what to do...if I'm exhausted or upset, it's my fault for not asking for his help. I would ask more, but by the time I'm in the thick of diaper changes, crying baby, temper tantrums and barf, he is out in the garage working on some imaginary project, obsessively watering/weeding the lawn, taking a smoke break, sleeping, whatever. I don't have the energy to chase him down and argue with him. I just do what needs to be done and the resentment grows. When I get so exhausted that I completely break down physically and emotionally, he will do a night shift with the kids so that I can get a full 6 or 7 hours. It is usually just enough to let me function at a basic level, and so that he can say he's "helped". To him, this makes him a hero and invalidates any argument that I can make about him not helping out ("oh right, because I NEVER do anything around here, right??" is his usual response). He tells me that I'm lucky that he doesn't treat me as badly as his friends treat their wives (his friends are pretty bad).

The worst part is, my husband isn't exactly a terrible guy. He's a good provider, doesn't gamble our life savings or cheat on me or hit me. He is educated, funny, and really does care about me. My family thinks he walks on water. But they don't see him when he drinks...he can be an ugly drunk.

We fight constantly. I know that I pick fights with him out of exhaustion and frustration...he usually shouts over me until I back down, or he will walk away and hide/drink in the garage until he feels like coming out.

I hate the person that I have become since I married him. I am a shrill, angry, passive aggressive, nagging b!tch who never lets him have any fun. I hate myself, the way I look, act and feel. I feel like I am dead inside.

I feel awful most days. I am anxious, tense, tired, sad. I get migraines, knots in my neck, shoulders and back. I try to eat right and excercise, but my appetite sucks, and I keep losing weight. My hair is falling out. Sometimes I am sick to my stomach. I cry all the time. I have no feelings of joy, I feel like I am just going through the motions of living.

He really does love me and the girls...but I don't think I love him anymore.

The worst part is that our oldest daughter sees us fight all the time and I know that this damages her. I grew up in a house with two parents who hated each other and screamed at each other all the was awful. I know that when I am mad at my husband, I lose my temper with my oldest daughter...something my mom did to me on a daily basis and one of the main reasons why I resent her to this day. I don't want that for my daughter.

I want to be a good, strong, happy mom for my girls....I don't know if I can be that person and also be in this marriage. I just don't know what would be worse for them...having parents who are divorced, or growing up with a miserable mother, and witnessing all of the screaming and fighting. I'm pretty sure that I would be able to do a decent job of supporting them on my own, financially. I think I would be a happier person without my husband. Is that a good enough reason to leave??? Is that fair to the kids??? They deserve to have a normal family with a daddy who is around....why can't I be the person that they need me to be, AND give them the family that they need?

I know that counselling is probably something that I/we should do...thing is, I just don't think I love him anymore...and all the counselling in the world can't change that. I have been to counselling in the past for other issues (childhood abuse) and I know how helpful it can be, but I also know how draining and time consuming it is...I just can't even imagine taking that on right now when I am just barely treading water as it is.

rosequartz 09-24-2012 11:16 AM

Re: Thinking of leaving my husband...feeling sick, not sure what to do
before you do anything this drastic, I suggest that you sit him down and TALK to him.....really lay it all out on the line about how serious this situation is becoming and how you're actually thinking you don't know if you want to do it anymore......make him take you seriously....maybe he doesn't realize how drastic it's gotten to.....

renko 09-24-2012 12:59 PM

Re: Thinking of leaving my husband...feeling sick, not sure what to do
Hi, I agree with the other responder. I had three children every two years and my ex-husband and I did not get along either but he did take the children and cared for them when I had enough and had to get some fresh air. You need to get some medical attention and find out if you have a physical hormonal problem and get that addressed and then you will feel better. You also need to go to Al-Anon and find out how you can change in your relationship with your alcoholic husband. You need to see if this marriage is worth saving with your husband and ask him if he wants to invest in getting help. Do you have any friends you can get support from or go out with. Fighting in front of little children really is hard for them and they feel really scared. You don't need to copy the emotional turmoil you went through with your children. My sons still remember the yelling my ex and I did and it makes me feel bad. Children need loving parents who love each other and want to work as a team to raise them. Please get help. Best wishes.

noevr 09-24-2012 01:46 PM

Re: Thinking of leaving my husband...feeling sick, not sure what to do
hi, so sorry you are going thru this. I agree with what the others have said but would like to add something.

The children are young now and yes its hard to get any rest but they won't be that young forever so try to remember that part, you WILL eventually get some rest and it WILL get easier to take care of them. Its just that they are so young and can't fend for themselves but soon the older one will be getting their own cereal in the am!

You do need to sit him down and let him know how you feel though. Sounds like there's some thyroid problems there too, not sure I'd get checked out, you've got to take care of yourself first for the children. Cathy

juner50 11-23-2012 08:00 PM

Re: Thinking of leaving my husband... feeling sick, not sure what to do
I've been married almost forty years and there are phases. But you have to work through them for God's sake. Two years and you want to give up?? Make a Drs. appt to treat your migraines and start a better health regimen because despite what you say, what you're doing now is NOT working for you. Make it a family project of fun and exercise to do together so you and your husband can do things together with the girls.

Give your husband a list of weekly chores. Men like lists. Start small so it's something he can handle. You can gradually increase as his confidence grows.
I think you get the picture here.

Just remember you made a promise to each other. Take those vows seriously....don't cheapen them! You have children to think of also.

anna2012 11-26-2012 12:42 AM

Re: Thinking of leaving my husband... feeling sick, not sure what to do
"He tells me that I'm lucky that he doesn't treat me as badly as his friends treat their wives"

Itís really not okay for him to say that to you. This kind of hints at abusive behavior. His drinking sounds like it might be out of hand, too, if you say he is an ugly drunk.

"I hate myself, the way I look, act and feel."

I know exactly how you feel. I spent most of my life depressed like this; it is an agony no one could ever understand if they havenít been through it. Always remind yourself: you are doing the best you can.

It does sound like you have depression. With all the stress in your life, it is totally understandable. It is also hard when you feel like you donít have any support from your husband. There are some things that have helped me immensely, gave me way more strength to cope:

1. Omega-3 capsules. Has to be the good stuff, the cheapo brands donít work. And it has to be fish-derived, not algae. I took Omega-3 capsules for ages before I finally read an article from a Harvard professor telling how to select the right ones. I use GNC triple strength fish oil. Another the professor suggested was Costcoís Kirkland brand. You need at least 1000 mg per day; should automatically be about 60% EPA and 40% DHA.
2. EEG Neurofeedback. Best money I ever spent, ever. It has changed my life. It got rid of the daily low-grade headaches I always had and I know another person (who started treatment after she saw what it did for me) who is migraine-free for 9 months now. For me, it brought me out of depression, improved my ADHD, lessened anxiety, helped me be less anti-social. The best part is, it works after 1 session- you will have instant relief.
3. Whey protein. Try it for a day and youíll know if it will work for you. Drink 2-3 Atkins shakes and that should do it.

"why can't I be the person that they need me to be, AND give them the family that they need?"

Because you are only human. All you can do is your best, and youíre already doing that. Donít be so hard on yourself!

It sounds like your gut instinct is that you should leave your husband. You are right, it is detrimental to kids to have their parents fighting all the time. Since you do have kids, though, have you considered moving out and just separating from your husband? With less stress and him at a distance (and him understanding how serious you are), the answer may become crystal clear. Counseling would be best; then at least you can say you tried everything you could.

Above all, you have got to be more realistic with yourself. In your words, I can hear you blaming yourself for not being the person you think you should be. But you are discounting all the other things you ARE. You work at a job, then take care of your kids and your home with little help. If you are still standing, you are kicking ***! One tough chick, IMHO.

MichNative 03-18-2013 03:56 PM

Re: Thinking of leaving my husband... feeling sick, not sure what to do
I too have been down the same road as you seem to be,
but here is the you have a really good support system in place? Will your parents/ family help you out with the kids? Do you have a job that will support you and the girls without waiting on his support?
Sometimes it is easier to fix the problem between you and your spouse than to take off......being on your own is not easy especially with two small kids. Only you can decide that.........but YOU need to see a doctor and get your health checked out, then look for a good counselor and start seeing him or her, and set aside some time just for you ......let something go and take a walk, or take the kids to the park.....or better yet invite your husband to go with you .....make it a family outing if only for a half hour. Sometimes we want to blame someone else when its really our attitude that needs to change. How did your family handle stress? Are you handling stress much in the same way? Two babies in two years is a LOT of stress, just think you and your husband barely had time to figure out how to live as a couple before you were a family of four!
Step back and ask yourself how you can change things then implement the changes as much as you can, sometimes just changing your attitude can have a domino affect, it will just change everything down the line. Dont throw in the towel yet, but pull yourself together and make sure you really want to give up and walk away before you do.

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