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    Old 08-25-2004, 03:59 PM   #1
    stasiaface
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    should i date a recovering heroin addict?

    i met this guy, and he and i hit it off right off the bat. i have only known him for two weeks, but we talk every day for hours. we have been completely honest with each other from the beginning. he told me that he is a recovering heroin addict. this scares me. he swears that he hasnt used for a year. and he NEVER will use again. but ive been researching and reading about recovering heroin addicts...and it seems like they always have a high chance of relapsing. im not sure how hard it is to date a recovering addict. does anyone have any advice??? im concerned for him, and i dont want to stop talking to him because of this...but am i putting both him and myself in danger????

     
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    Old 08-27-2004, 02:58 PM   #2
    vamp36
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    Re: should i date a recovering heroin addict?

    You should post this on the Relationship issues board. You would get many views on this from there. It's a really hard call. My ex husband was a recovering alcoholic when I met him & married him. Then after 4 years of marriage he started drinking again. Thats why we are now divorced. You need to decide if you want to take the risk and date him. He may use again , he may not. There is no garantee.

     
    Old 09-29-2004, 05:01 PM   #3
    DnutDman
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    Re: should i date a recovering heroin addict?

    i dated a girl who told me that she usto use meth but not anymore. after a couple months she admited shes been using since weve met. i gave her a chance not to do it again. after a month of being clean i left for a trip for 3 months and she started using it again. were not together anymore but i learned my lesson about hard drug users. once a user always a user...

    Last edited by DnutDman; 09-29-2004 at 05:02 PM.

     
    Old 10-01-2004, 05:07 PM   #4
    sivyaleah
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    Re: should i date a recovering heroin addict?

    Ok, I'm going to be really open and frank with you here.

    About 5 years ago, I met a guy and we too hit it off really well. Our first date was great and we had a lot in common and were attracted to each other as well. The second date, he told me that he had something to tell me which he felt he had to share with me, as it might affect my wanting to go ahead with continuing to see him and he told me that he was in Narcotics Anonymous, had been a long-term heroin user.

    Ok, well, I'm NOT a very judgemental person and; in my younger days certainly did experiment more than a bit with drugs, tho had given that up for several years already (grew out of it and I will add I NEVER did anything like heroin). I figured, if anyone could handle this it was me. Knowing he was (sopposedly) in recovery and working on the problem made me comfortable and I gave him a lot of credit for being so honest with me.

    We contined to date but something felt "off" about him. He'd forget to call me - would practically stand me up at times, showing up later than he should have, would be hard to get hold of, etc. I asked him if he was really interested in me or not because at that point I had no reason to suspect that his behavior might still be drug related. He swore that he really was interested in me and that day we went out for a very romantic dinner and, lets just say things became intimate at that point (very SAFELY tho - as I was not about to be that stupid with someone who admitted he had used IV drugs, let alone for the usual smart reasons).

    Things were ok, but I still got the sense something was wrong. He had some very perculiar habits, worked from home and for some reason, all the windows in his apartment were boarded up. He also suffered from some other health problems, some born from the old heroin habit (such as a heart problem). He also had trouble sleeping and took a HUGE amount of sleep medication which basically made him comotose. Again, this all seemed strange but you know, in the first flush of a new relationship it is amazing what you can just pretend isn't happening.

    Ok, so about 1-1/2 months later, it was Valentine's Day. We went out to a club, where he knew the owner. To make a long story short - he was being allowed to tape the live performance that night. He had made pot brownies (what WAS I thinking that I thought it was ok for a recovering addict to eat pot or smoke it? He shouldn't have been doing any drug whatsoever) and was very high and really messed up their sound system. Then, when we went back to his place, I think he may have slipped off and taken something else because he suddenly became very slurred, very very strange and started asking me if he could videotape me and him in bed. I was appalled! Then he starts telling me that he has all these tapes of his ex-girlfriend and him that he'd love to show me! I told him I wasn't interested and eventually I think he basically passed out.

    The next day I went home and I suddenly had an ephiphany that this person was NOT following the NA program at all. I called him later the next day and couldn't get hold of him. Finally, he called me and tried to sort of blow me off BUT I had to go there because I'd left a very expensive sweater at his place. I was so angry the cab ride over because I knew I was going to have to confront him but good.

    Got there, confronted him, there was a mild scene (I think he was stoned at the time), got my sweater and left. I was hysterical crying and then suddenly realized what the hell was I crying over? The guy was a total screwup and I was lucky to have realized it only 2 months into the relationship, before I had invested my heart into him.

    I later got an email from him, apologizing for his behavior and actually THANKING me for confronting him, because it gave him the kick in the head he needed to make him realize he still had ALOT of work to do on himself.

    So, it was goodbye and good riddence and I got over it quite quickly.

    Now, I'm NOT saying this is going to happen to you but what I suggest is take it slow with this guy, he has to earn your trust if he has addiction issues in his past and you too should look into why you are so attracted to him, knowing about his background. There will most likely be some struggles along the way and possibly heartbreak. But he also could be a diamond in the rough - someone who really does deserve a second chance at having a normal life. But it will take some time for you to know this. I don't remember if you mentioned how old you are but I'm assuming you might be on the younger side (I'm 45) in which case you haven't had enough experience to be able to access the situation correctly yet. Geez, I was 40 and still had troubles with it!

    Feel free to ask me anything else if you like. I'm not embarressed to talk about it.

    Laurie

    P.S. I am not married to a guy for 4-1/2 years, who has NEVER done one single drug in his whole life! How that happened I'll never know!

     
    Old 10-01-2004, 05:12 PM   #5
    sivyaleah
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    Re: should i date a recovering heroin addict?

    OOPS! I meant at the end to say "I'm NOW married..." (not "Not")!

    Laurie

     
    Old 10-04-2004, 01:09 AM   #6
    IceProdigy
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    Re: should i date a recovering heroin addict?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by DnutDman
    once a user always a user...
    DnutDman.. you are completely wrong here. I used to use hard drugs often.. Very often, I would spend all my money on them. Do I use now? No.. Will I ever use again? No. I am living proof that you are wrong, and that reply of yours really ticked me off to be quite honest. I was addicted to coccain for about a year. I also was addicted to meth at that time. I have overcome both, and yes I had withdrawls, I have been clean for along time now, and I have no thoughts of going back to these drugs. Please do not voice your opinion on something, when you know so little about going through this. It is a very hard thing to quit using drugs, and yes, many do go back, but if I were to meet a girl now, and want a serious relationship with her, That would only promote my decision to never go back. The other day, I was at an old friends house. We were talking, and he pulled out some coccain and started doing lines, he made out a fairly large line, and threw me a tutor (a hollow tube used to snort substances) he told me it was all mine.. I said no thanks, and he added to it.. and said okay here.. you know you want it........ My body immediately began driving me towards it, I wanted it so bad yes, I really wanted to snort it. I left the house and went home..I got home.. and I felt awesome.. I SAID NO! For the first time I said no. So yes.. I am proof that you are wrong about what you say.

    On the other hand, to the person who made this post. I would say if you really like him, to go for it. What hes trying to do is find a woman so that it will finalize his decision to quit using, you will really help him as a non user, and I think that if he likes you, you will be together forever.. I cant definately say that, because I have thought I'd be with a couple girls forever, only for me to be ending the relationship in a month or two, but those were far different situations. I'd say go for it, and good luck.

     
    Old 03-08-2005, 07:11 PM   #7
    slote
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    Re: should i date a recovering heroin addict?

    Find out if he used needles. A lot of people who share needles to inject drugs can get Hep C which is very serious. There is no vaccination or cure for Hep C. You can get it just from kissing. I would have the person tested.

     
    Old 03-15-2005, 07:26 PM   #8
    Sarandipity
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    Re: should i date a recovering heroin addict?

    Go to an Alanon Meeting, and decide what you want to do AFTER you talk to a bunch of people who are or have been through the same thing and have asked themselves the same questions... then you can make a decision and feel good about making the right one. It's a completely personal decision- Alanon will help you answer questions about addiction and recovery.

    Much Hope!

    -Sara
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    -Sara

     
    Old 04-12-2005, 10:39 PM   #9
    ael5129
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    Re: should i date a recovering heroin addict?

    Hey...I dated a heroin addict before and all I have to say to you is that you shoudl give it some SERIOUS thought. When you go into relationships your problems aka baggage becomes theres and theres becomes yours. I am not by any means saying that anyones disease (because thats what addiction is) is baggage, but a addiction can hurt a loved one just as much as it hurts the person who has the addiction. My besfriend is a heroin addict. Im a sophomore in college and I knew him since my senior year of high school. We werent close, just associates. My girls and I would hag out at his place with his friends (who arent addicts just teenagers at the time) and drink before parties, so nothing serious at all. He was VERY flaky and had a bad reputation in school, but I was new to the area and new nothing about that I just thought hey he calls me all the time to see if i want to go out so why not, plus he was sooo nice to me. I thought, hey maybe this kid really wants to be my friend. We all new that he smoked pot occasionally pill popped but nothing that the average high schooler didnt do, later I found out that he was just a functional USER. I worked at a local coffee shop he would come in all the time we would talk about plans for the weekend, parties he heard and me too. One day he had lunch with me and I noticed something that my mom told me heroin addicts do. They scratch a lot. He was itchy as hell, and seemes tired, but he was eating, well not really, actually he was PICKING over all of his food, but he payed attention to the convo. Long story short, I noticed that he hadnt called me in like a week and that was unusual because we would at least talk on the weekends, to see where the parties were. So I called him and found out that he had gone to rehab, but i wasnt surprised. I had met this guy 5 times before he could remember who i was and we had the same group of friends not to mention he asked me for my phone number three out of the five times and when i woul dsay i gave it to you when i met you the last time, he would really not know what I was taling about. I didnt listen to my inner voice (which i know you are hearing), so the summer went by and I went out the country but I thought about him a lot. I thought why such a nice kid would go to rehab, so i left a message on his cell and told him to call me when he got out, didnt think he would but he did. That was the worst mistake that I could have done, because all I wanted to do was help him. Everyone else who knew he went to rehab laughed and was like oh well, I thought wow none of these people who acted like his friend are his friend, so ill be his friend. Basically we talked that summer and actually kind of got to know eachother. I went to college and he went to a new rehab where he had no contact with the phone for 35 days. He called me on the 36th day and since then we talked everyday. Even when he went to his other rehab, we talked three times a day. He said he needed contact to normalcy, he didnt want to talk about his addiction all the time and i was it. We got REALLY CLOSE. Once I got to know him it was just like talking to myself. He was me in a boy form. I saw him on all my breaks and it was fabulous, but once he officially finished rehab and we became official, all hell broke loose. He was irresponsible, sneaky, coniving, MANIPULTING, and so unreliable. Forgot to call, tells me that he saw a movie one night then the next night tells me he slept the whole night. He couldnt remember his lies. I cant even tell when hes high. We sould get into huge fights and after we made up like two months later he would tell me, hey remember when i didnt call u for 3 days and we fought, well, I relapsed. At first i would get sad and try to help, and he would cry and say how much he didnt want to ever do it again, and things we go well for a while, but this became a vicious cycle that tore me down because i care so much for him. He would tell me how much he loves me which i believe he does (but only to the best of his ability). I dont know about all addicts, but this one is not used to feeling things...because he feels his drugs, its easier than emotions. Another things about addicts...ITS NEVER THEIR PROBLEM. When things would happen, its never his fault, even when he would use, its not his fault. If we fought it was my fault, which was impossible. He came into town and we had plans since three days prior to hang out he said he had to shower and he would come get me. Never happened, he said he was coming three times, but didnt show once. THAT WAS MY FAULT TOO...when he wouldnt call me back, that was my fualt too. He said that I shouldnt have let him get to me, or that he wasnt supposed to call me, i was supposed to call him. Everything was because i was insecure and it came from inside my head...i would even make things up that i thought i heard but that he didnt say. he eventually admitted to the blame game, he said that he as an addict cannot accept the fact that hes done somethings wrong. The whole thing is about JUSTIFYING why what they are doing (drugs) is okay, and in their twisted brains, it turns out to be okay. Long story short, we had our ups and ups and VERY VERY low lows for about a year...then one day I just woke up and said wow...i dont like who i am when im with him, I cant do it...i cant be all about him (thats another thing, if its not good and about them, they dont want to hear it...they cant be there for you as nearly as much as you will be for them). I was torn down emotionally, i couldnt stand the relapses one more time. It got to the point where when i would call and he didnt answer I'd freak out..i jut knew he was using and he could have been but i didnt know hes not going to tell me, till he realizes he doesnt want to use agian...then there goes the cycle. When i say they, I mean Addicts in general not just heroin. Please believe that the guy that you are talking to has NOT told you everything, but it will come out. If you are ready for relapses, which he may say Ill NEVER do IT again (which may be true but 9/10...they dont know that) then go for it. Just dont do anything because you think someone needs you. An addict does not need you. Yes they need support, but thats different. When you start seeing warning signs and red flags look at them....listen to your little inner voice..i know its talking to you or else you wouldnt have posted this question...so the answer is no..i DO NOT think that you should date a recovering heroin addict...Im sorry...U can love them and support him without dating. I still consider this guy my bestfriend, I love him sooooo much and always will, but i had to cut him off, for now.

     
    Old 04-18-2005, 12:36 PM   #10
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    Re: should i date a recovering heroin addict?

    If you do start a relationship make sure you take your time. Keeps your eyes open and go with your gut. Get acquainted with signs and symptoms of use. I don't think there should be a definite yes or no. Just be careful.

     
    Old 04-19-2005, 09:06 AM   #11
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    Exclamation Re: should i date a recovering heroin addict?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by stasiaface
    i met this guy, and he and i hit it off right off the bat. i have only known him for two weeks, but we talk every day for hours. we have been completely honest with each other from the beginning. he told me that he is a recovering heroin addict. this scares me. he swears that he hasnt used for a year. and he NEVER will use again. but ive been researching and reading about recovering heroin addicts...and it seems like they always have a high chance of relapsing. im not sure how hard it is to date a recovering addict. does anyone have any advice??? im concerned for him, and i dont want to stop talking to him because of this...but am i putting both him and myself in danger????
    I am a recovering addict....it is hard enough to stay clean and have a relationship with a person that is not an addict. I suggest you re-think what you are doing.....he still is in recovery-hopefully.....we do tend to lie if we are not. I know you say you talk a lot.....ask him if he goes to NA....that's the question...I hope for your own benefit that you find a "healthy" person to relate to.....he is not. He may be not using but he has ISSUES...that is why he did use.....Kahlia
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