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    Old 02-18-2004, 04:16 PM   #1
    Roxie Hart
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    What's the point?

    Well, the title kind of sums it up really. I have just been having 'one of those days' when you feel even worse than normal, but it has lasted 6 days so far. I don't know why I have been feeling worse, nothing has happened, but I have just been feeling terrible. I seem to have completely lost my strength to fight. I don't care anymore. I don't care if I get better or not. In one way I would rather I got worse, so I could lose more weight. I just can't be bothered to keep trying, when it isn't getting me anywhere. I don't see the point in living when the things that are most important to me just stop seeming to matter. I don't enjoy doing anything at all at the moment, even performing, which has always been the one thing that can make me feel better. The only thing I seem to be able to find enough energy to do is eat and then make myself sick. I just want to stay in my pjs all day and not go out the house. I feel like I have done everything I can do, and it hasn't got me anywhere. I admitted I have a problem, and have spoken to people about it. That hasn't helped. I have tried counselling. That didn't help. I went to the doctor. That made me feel worse. I have been on anti-depressants for over a month. They haven't helped. I don't know what to do now, and I don't honestly know if I care. I am about ready to give up. I just want to be back how I used to be, and I don't think I will ever manage that.

    Sorry for such a self-indulgent, over-dramatic post, and thank you for reading if you got this far. I hope everyone else is ok

    Thanks everyone xXx

     
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    Old 02-18-2004, 08:14 PM   #2
    itsjustmeLR
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    Re: What's the point?

    I'm sorry your having such a rough time. I've been feeling pretty bummed lately too so i understand. I'd like to share with you some inspirational quotes one of my friends once gave me when I was depressed. I don't know if you are a Christian or not but alot of these quotes are Christian so please don't be offended by them.

    "To the world you may only be one person, but to one person you may be the world"

    "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" Phillipians 4:13

    "Blessed is the man who persevered under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will recievethe crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." James 1:12 -there is a reason that God allows hardships in life, we wish he wouldn't but he finds a way to work all things for good in some way or another so don't give up because you are here for a reason and God loves you no matter what size you are lean on him and he can may not make the ed dissapear but he will comfort you when you seek him.

    Sorry this was so long, and again- sorry if I offended you but long story short, don't give up- its worth the fight. I no its cliche but if you feel you have no reason left to fight for yourself, fight for your loved ones- and lean on them for help too. And of course, we are here for you too.

     
    Old 02-18-2004, 11:02 PM   #3
    Aurora
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    Re: What's the point?

    Sweetie don't give up now. You have come so far. You have been so brave. You CAN do this. You CAN get better.
    Why let this problem ruin your passion in life of performing? If performing is what you love you will feel better about it again soon. Have you been feeling so empty since they upped your meds or were you like it before? Only it seems that it would have coincided with your second trip to the doctors.
    And while we are on the subject why let this ruin your LIFE?
    Roxie you are such an amazing person, smart, caring, attentive to others. Why would you want to risk depriving the world of your lovely self?
    Write that list of all the things that can make you happy such as your friends, your family, performing, sun shining down on you. Keep it with you always, in your diary, on your bedroom wall. Don't ever allow yourself to lose sight of all the good stuff in the world. There is more, so much more, to life than this bulimia. So let yourself have a chance to live your life and not just live your bulimia.
    Come on you know you want to... you CAN do this. We are backing you every step of the way.
    All the biggest hugs
    from Aurora xoxo

     
    Old 02-19-2004, 02:26 AM   #4
    eminemworshipper
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    Re: What's the point?

    Hey Roxie!!
    ....people who try to lose weight find themselves in the same frustration as they do with people who are desperately trying to get better from EDs. They say 'how can it be harder to put it on???!!!! It's so easy to put weight back on'...that's b****** coz it really is the worst!!! U aren't over-dramatising...I think u r more like me in the way in which u want to be recovered or u want something to drastically change NOW...THIS MOMENT...and for the better..because u r just sick and tired of fighting. I have felt the same...and if it is any comfort...I still do feel that way (probably every day). Counselling with someone I knew (she was a previous teacher at my school)...helped me 'talk'..but in the end...after being referred to other people..I just found myself saying 'well, im back at square one'. I mean...my counsellor did help me forget painful memories...but I dont know why I expected more than that. I dont wanna change.....Well...I do...but I dont. Anyways, Im babbling on...and although it's easy said than done when i say 'dont give up just yet'.......ull regret it another day if u do give up.

    Loads of love!
    Caroline x x x

     
    Old 02-19-2004, 04:10 AM   #5
    Nikkita
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    Talking Re: What's the point?

    hi roxie
    Im feeling pretty hopeless right now as well.I feel ive lost the last bit of energy i had. I know im very sick but i have little enthiusiasm to get better. it seems we become so entrenched with our EDs and in the end its not us in control anymore, its definetely the ED.
    all i can say is tomorrows another day.Just try and hang in there somehow.We can both do this.
    take care
    Love Nikkitaxxx

     
    Old 02-19-2004, 07:41 AM   #6
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    Re: What's the point?

    first, nikkita, we love you... i am praying for you constantly. you will find strength, i KNOW it.

    now back to the original post, i just wanted to mention one thing... you said that your ADs aren't working and you've been taking them for a month, but sometimes it takes a little while for you to be able to tell. don't give up on them just yet, or if you think they won't work, tell your doctor so they can think about giving you something else...

     
    Old 02-19-2004, 01:21 PM   #7
    Roxie Hart
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    Re: What's the point?

    Thankyou all so much for your replies. It is so good to know that there are people here who understand. I just don't feel like I am ever going to get better, and I have lost the energy to fight now.

    itsjustmeLR, I was not at all offended by your post, I thought it was lovely. I am sorry to hear you have been low lately, it is so hard isn't it? I don't think I have spoken to you before, so it is nice to meet you!

    Aurora honey, how are you doing? And I want an honest answer! I know you are right, and that I should write a list or something of things which make me happy, but at the moment nothing seems to make me happy so I don't really see the point. I know that I love performing, but I just can't get enthusiastic about anything. I really do just want to stay at home in my pjs all the time and just sit around. For a start I am too tired to do anything else, but I also just really don't want to. I feel safe at home, and I don't want to leave that. This is quite a new thing really, I haven't really felt like that before, it seems to have been this week really.

    Sorry you are feeling bad Nikkita. I know exactly how you feel with the energy thing. Am I right in thinking you started ADs around the same time as me? If so are they doing anything? Has your GP suggested anything you can do? Are you seeing a therapist or anything? I really hope you are ok.

    Caroline, you are so right. I just can't be bothered to fight this anymore. I feel like I don't care what happens, and I realise that is not a good attitude. I also completely know what you mean about the back to square one feeling, it is awful when you just feel like you have done everything you can and it has got you nowhere. I haven't spoken to you much before, how are you? So what stage of recovery are you at and what have you done to get there?

    Notorious b, I know I do need to give the ADs longer. I was on 20mg for a month, and they didn't seem to do anything, so I am now on 40, but I only started them sunday so I know I need to give them more of a chance. It is just hard carrying on taking them and not doing anything else to help when you feel really bad. But I won't stop taking them.

    Thank you all so so much for your replies, I think I needed them! You are all such lovely, thoughtful people, and I hope you are all ok (or as ok as you can be under the circumstances!).

    Lots of love

    Roxie xXx

     
    Old 02-19-2004, 01:32 PM   #8
    eminemworshipper
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    Re: What's the point?

    Hey Roxie!!!
    Um, well...it's hard to explain. I am not 'recovered'..but...i dont really know. Im just plodding away with life......my story is rather long...it starts when I was like 13 or before....but I have posted here for absolutely ages. So, if u want to ever read posts on what's been happenin etc just search and see the furthest that they go back. They should give u a bit of an idea.
    I aint really all that good at explainin...xx

     
    Old 02-19-2004, 11:05 PM   #9
    Aurora
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    Re: What's the point?

    Hi Roxie do you really want the honest answer? Well in truth I feels so physically ill now that I feel like I am dying. And the strange thing is I think I actually don't care, at least then I would be released from this hell hole of a life......in fact it sounds quite a good option now.........
    But don't you dare give up sweetie because I won't allow that.
    Hugs always
    A xoxoxo

    Last edited by Aurora; 02-22-2004 at 07:20 AM.

     
    Old 02-20-2004, 03:28 AM   #10
    Nikkita
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    Red face Re: What's the point?

    Yea Roxie
    I think i did start ADs the same time as you.Im on trazadone. I started on 75mg and then last week my dose went up to 150 but to be honest my low mood just hasnt shifted at all.The only good thing is that they kind of knock me out when i take them at bed time so im sleeping better and because im so sedated im not b/ping so much at night(which is when i usually sneak downstairs)
    How you feeling today?

    Aurora
    Im so sorry you are feeling so low right now.Are you seeing a therapist yet?PLEASE just hang in there.
    Love Nikkitaxxx

     
    Old 02-20-2004, 04:27 AM   #11
    Roxie Hart
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    Re: What's the point?

    Oh Aurora darling, please don't give up. And of course I really want to hear the truth, there would be absolutely no point in you saying everything was fine when it so obviously isn't. Would you please consider getting help? I know how difficult it is, and how easy it is for us to suggest it, but please consider it. You do sound like you are in desperate need, and you are not going to be able to rrecover unless you do seek help. I am so worried about you! Your GP would be able to refer you to somebody who can actually help you; you know you don't want to stay like you are, just keep fighting this because we all know that you can beat it. I am thinking of you.

    Nikkita, to be perfectly honest I don't think I know how I am feeling. The problem is, I do think that I want to lose weight more than I want to get better. I am thinking that I don't really care if I get better or not, because even if I stop b/ping, I will still have depression, and therefore still not enjoy or care about anything, so what's the point? Have you ever been on ADs before? If so did they do anything then? I am sort of thinking that they are only going to have a limited utility for me, because although they may lift my mood, they can't change how I think, which is obviously the main problem. I am glad you are sleeping better and not b/ping as much, but it is a shame that the reason for that is that you are so sedated rather then because you are any happier. What are you planning to do more long term though? Are you having therapy or what? Do you live in Scotland, or am I totally making that up?!

    Caroline, I did have a wee look at the past posts, but I couldn't find any going back far enough! Oh well, never mind! I hope you are ok even if you are not 'recovered'.

    I have to say, I do think these boards are so great because we all need support, and it's so good knowing we can find it here.

    Loads of love

    Roxie xXx

     
    Old 02-20-2004, 09:14 AM   #12
    Nikkita
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    Unhappy Re: What's the point?

    Ive been on ADs on and off over the years because of post natal depression and yes i did feel they helped but i think my moods just too low right now.Nothing short of a miracle is gonna lift it.
    Im on the waiting list for therapy but its nearly a year away. Apart from that theres just the usual psychiatric care, nothing specialised. I really think i need to be IP at the moment.
    tomorrows another day.
    take care
    Love Nikkitaxxx

     
    Old 02-21-2004, 04:59 AM   #13
    Roxie Hart
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    Re: What's the point?

    That is terrible Nikkita. They can't just leave you for a year, without help. If you feel like you need to be IP can you not pester your doctor for a referral? If it is really that serious something needs to be done about it, it is ridiculous expecting you to just carry on like this for a year, and only give you anti-depressants for help! I get so angry with the NHS! Please go back to your doctor and really emphasise just how bad the situation is, and tell him you really can't wait a year for help. I am quite appalled by that! You are right, tomorrow is another day, but it never seems to be any better than the previous day I find! Most of the time it's worse.

    Lots and lots of love, and please take care of yourself
    Roxie xXx

     
    Old 02-21-2004, 07:52 AM   #14
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    Re: What's the point?

    Hey Roxie. I am thinking I need to take my life back. Anyone care to join me in this event? I wasn't being melodramatic by saying I felt like dying. Physically I am doing badly at the moment, and today I almost got rushed to hospital because I collapsed at work. But I refused to let the ambulance crew take me. So now I know that I am doing badly but after having read your posts on here I know how you are all feeling bad too. What gives me the right to give up when all I tell you lot is to keep fighting?!
    Ok so I was seriously thinking of suicide even up till this morning but now I don't want to. I want to get back some of the fun I used to have. I think I misplaced it somewhere along the line..... Anyone seen it? I used to have a lot of fun so it shouldn't be hard to spot!
    So anyone got any ideas how I can do this? Anyone coming along for the ride?

    Please we can get through this with a little help from our friends (thats all you lot by the way!)

    Take care of yourselves,
    Love from Me xoxoxoxo

    PS Rox d'yu think I wouldn't notice your post about diet pills just cos it ain't in this section. Don't do that to yourself please!
    Nikkita I read your reply about trauma and eds. I hope you are taking your own advice and getting help to work through the after effects of your experience.

    Thankyou all for your support.

     
    Old 02-21-2004, 09:37 AM   #15
    Roxie Hart
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    Re: What's the point?

    To be honest Aurora, it sounds like it's getting to the point where you are going to end up in hospital soon whether you like it or not. So surely it would be better to try and get some help on your terms, before you don't have a choice? I know exactly what you mean about dying, I feel the same way a lot of the time, but please please don't let this beat you. I know that I only know you from what you say on here, but you seem like such a fantastic person, who I would love to know better, and I don't see why you should have to let this thing beat you. When you start recovering you will get your fun back, and eventually you will be able to get your life back to how you want it, and not be thinking about food and diet 24/7. I know I keep saying this, but please consider going to your GP, I am so worried about you.

    Aurora, what is wrong with diet pills? Are they dangerous? I had this (probably stupid) idea, that if I could lose weight some other way, it would help me to recover from my Bulimia because I would be as desperate to get rid of whatever I had eaten. Bad idea?

    Please take care of yourself
    Loads and loads of love
    Roxie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

     
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